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keep the peace or be honest?

Sorry this is a little long but I don't know what do do about my cousin who is getting married and now asking me for help, here is a little back story.....

  She's getting married in September to the father of her two young sons.  We were close growing up but have drifted apart especially since she moved in with him at got pregnant very young.  They don't have a clean home, they have a dog, two cats and the apartment smells of urine!  About a year after the first baby she got pregnant again!  Neither of them at that point had steady jobs, at this point he's actually been at the same job for over a year it's at a coffee shop but better than nothing.  She's almost done her maternity leave but will be going back to work sooner because staying at home with the two boys is hard work, no sh*t! 
  When she first got pregnant she told everyone it was an accident but I know for a fact it wasn't.  When she got pregnant the second time she said it was an accident, that they were using protection, I don't believe it!  I was pissed that she wasn't being responsible so we had a talk and I thought that she realised that they need to grow up and be responsible for their kids sake.
 
  Whats done is done but now out of the blue they're getting married in September,  a month after another relative of ours who have been planning it longer.  I'm pissed that they would plan it so soon after because our family isn't rich and it will be a financial burden.  What makes me upset the most is they're not paying for the wedding themselves.  My aunt is giving them over 6000$ (from a line of credit she has because she can't afford it)  because they chose an expensive venue they could not afford, his mom is giving 2000$ and they're putting in 2000$ of their own money, but don't think they actually saved up! Of course not! They're using money they got from the government for their kids!  I'm so disgusted and stupid because I'm still hopeful they'll wake up one day and be responsible but I don't think that will ever happen because they never really have to struggle because everybody always helps them!
 
When they got pregnant the first time they got all the clothes they needed from my aunt and my aunt's sister who was done having kids gave them a crib, stroller and a lot more!  When they got the money from the government they first thing they did was buy a new flat screen tv, dvd's and a lot more sh*t they don't need! They have a feeling of entitlement, it's maddening!   I've deleted her from my facebook because I can't take one more post saying what dvd they just bought or the concert ticket she just bought that cost 100$! 

 The problem is my family is very non confrontational and don't say anything although they feel the same way but are too nice and still try to help her.  I'm guilty of being non confrontational in the past until I finally had a talk with her but that was over a year ago.  I DONT want to go to this wedding but if I don't go it will cause huge drama but I just don't support what they're doing.  I'm fine with them getting married, that's 100% their choice but I'm not ok with them spending all this money on a wedding.  I talked to my aunt about it and asked why she was helping them so much but she said she wanted to, originally she was going to give them 4000$ but my cousin wanted a more expensive place so she figured whats another 2000$!?  STUPID!  Maybe it's my mistake to think that people should pay for their own weddings because I did.
  On top of me not wanting to go I get an email from her yesterday saying.........Do you think you could help me with this goddamn wedding planning? I don't have anything other than my dress and venue, and I only have 5 months left.  Any help would be very appreciated!

 WTF!?  GODDAMN  WEDDING PLANNING!?  I'm so pissed and just don't want to deal with this anymore.  I could be politically correct and just say I'm busy with renovations at my house but I want to be honest and just tell her that she can plan her own goddamn wedding!  They are so ungrateful, I found that comment so disrespectful!

I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut, I think they need a good dose of reality but I don't think she will talk to me again.  Why is it when it comes to family it seems like you can't be honest and have to be nice? 

So after all this, sorry I know it's long :P  I just want to know what should I do, keep the peace or be honest?

Re: keep the peace or be honest?

  • None of this is any of your business. So the answer is keep your mouth shut.

    If it pains you that much to go to the wedding, simply send your regrets and move on.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • Really simple solution: don't go to the wedding/showers.  Irregardless about how you or I feel about the rest of the situation and them being responsible, the only thing that you can do is not go.  Whomever decided to give them money was their own decision, stupid or otherwise.  These are all adults and they can do whatever they want.  Sounds like you are a little bit jealous since you paid for your own wedding, though.  Just be proud that you were responsible enough to pay for it yourself.
  • To whose benefit would it be if you confronted her?  Do you really think confronting her is going to change her behavior? (It won't.)  The only thing it will do is make you feel temporarily better until she talks smack about you to the family.

    The thing is, none of this really effects you. If your aunt wants to spend the money on her wedding, fine.  That's her right.  And if your cousin wants to obliviate her financial future, she's an adult, and can clean up her own mess.  If I were you, I would take a giant step backward.  Separate yourself from the situation. 

    Explain that you wish her well in her wedding planning, but can't be of any help.  Plan to go out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Don't go to a wedding where all you're going to be doing is estimating the cost of everything you encounter.  It's not good form.

  • MYOB.

    You may not like the fact that your aunt is helping them pay for the wedding, but it is her money, and therefore, her prerogative.

    None of this really has anything to do with you, IMO, except for the request for help and the fact that you don't want to attend the wedding in the first place. So, don't agree to help and don't go to the wedding. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Problem solved.

  • image susiederkins:

    None of this is any of your business. So the answer is keep your mouth shut.

    If it pains you that much to go to the wedding, simply send your regrets and move on.

    This.

    Why are you getting so pissed?  This isn't your life.  This isn't your money.  You aren't even the one getting married two months earlier.

  • image susiederkins:

    None of this is any of your business. So the answer is keep your mouth shut.

    If it pains you that much to go to the wedding, simply send your regrets and move on.

     

     I needed to hear that! I know it's none of my business, I'm just dissapointed in her.

     

  • image kelly-sean:
    Really simple solution: don't go to the wedding/showers.  Irregardless about how you or I feel about the rest of the situation and them being responsible, the only thing that you can do is not go.  Whomever decided to give them money was their own decision, stupid or otherwise.  These are all adults and they can do whatever they want.  Sounds like you are a little bit jealous since you paid for your own wedding, though.  Just be proud that you were responsible enough to pay for it yourself.

     

    I'm not jealous that I had to pay for my own wedding, I'm very very proud!  We spent a lot on that one day but we worked hard for it, don't have kids yet and could afford it!  If I wouldn't have been able to afford it I wouldn't have had a big wedding, I would never go into debt over a wedding.

      If I did go to the wedding I wouldn't go to the showers.  I just don't want to "fake" happy!

  • image Karen2905:

    To whose benefit would it be if you confronted her?  Do you really think confronting her is going to change her behavior? (It won't.)  The only thing it will do is make you feel temporarily better until she talks smack about you to the family.

    The thing is, none of this really effects you. If your aunt wants to spend the money on her wedding, fine.  That's her right.  And if your cousin wants to obliviate her financial future, she's an adult, and can clean up her own mess.  If I were you, I would take a giant step backward.  Separate yourself from the situation. 

    Explain that you wish her well in her wedding planning, but can't be of any help.  Plan to go out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Don't go to a wedding where all you're going to be doing is estimating the cost of everything you encounter.  It's not good form.

     




    I know it won't make me fell better confronting her.  I don't want to go to the wedding but my husband thinks if we don't go then they'll talk sh*t behind our backs and we'll end up looking like the bad guys.  What I originally wanted to do was say we're going out of town.  It's just that we see them once a month so this will make things awkward but I'd rather get teeth pulled then go to that wedding! 

  • Who cares if you are disappointed in her? You are not her mother nor her father.

    Who cares if you don't like their plan?

    Who cares who is paying for it?

    WHAT does any of this have to do with YOUR life??

    Really you have nothing else to worry about in your life? Must be nice!



  • image magsugar13:

    Who cares if you are disappointed in her? You are not her mother nor her father.

    Who cares if you don't like their plan?

    Who cares who is paying for it?

    WHAT does any of this have to do with YOUR life??

    Really you have nothing else to worry about in your life? Must be nice!

     

    I'm just looking for advice!  I don't think about this 24hrs a day.  I just wanted to know how to respond to the email she sent me.  I don't ask her about the wedding or pretend to be ok with any of it.

     

      Really you have nothing else to worry about in your life? Must be nice!

    Is that really necessary?

     

     

     

  • image kris_123:
    image Karen2905:

    To whose benefit would it be if you confronted her?  Do you really think confronting her is going to change her behavior? (It won't.)  The only thing it will do is make you feel temporarily better until she talks smack about you to the family.

    The thing is, none of this really effects you. If your aunt wants to spend the money on her wedding, fine.  That's her right.  And if your cousin wants to obliviate her financial future, she's an adult, and can clean up her own mess.  If I were you, I would take a giant step backward.  Separate yourself from the situation. 

    Explain that you wish her well in her wedding planning, but can't be of any help.  Plan to go out of town the weekend of the wedding.  Don't go to a wedding where all you're going to be doing is estimating the cost of everything you encounter.  It's not good form.

     




    I know it won't make me fell better confronting her.  I don't want to go to the wedding but my husband thinks if we don't go then they'll talk sh*t behind our backs and we'll end up looking like the bad guys.  What I originally wanted to do was say we're going out of town.  It's just that we see them once a month so this will make things awkward but I'd rather get teeth pulled then go to that wedding! 

     

    Think about it this way: the people who are talking about you behind your back (I assume your cousin and aunt) are people who: a) enable financial irresponsibility, b) take advantage of financial systems, c) mooch off of others, d) spend beyond their means, and/or e) are spoiled.  It's never easy to hear that you're being talked about, but considering who the source is, do you really care?  

  • Feel free to say no to helping her.  She sounds like an anus anyway.
    image
  • I guess it was as necessary as you writing 500 words judging someone else's life.

    You sounded like a spoiled jealous 2 year old. Yes, it was necessary for you to hear that. Actually, the other girls all said the same things I did. I guess you didn't like the delivery huh?

    Just don't do it. There is no need to judge every decision she has made in her life!



  • Ditto all the PPs, mind your own business.  Her life is not yours to approve or not.

    If she bothers you that much, wish her well but decline helping her with the planning & don't attend the wedding.

     

  • image magsugar13:

    I guess it was as necessary as you writing 500 words judging someone else's life.

    You sounded like a spoiled jealous 2 year old. Yes, it was necessary for you to hear that. Actually, the other girls all said the same things I did. I guess you didn't like the delivery huh?

    Just don't do it. There is no need to judge every decision she has made in her life!

     

    The delivery did leave little to be desired but you're 100% right that I shouldn't care so much about someone else's life.  I'm not spoiled at all,  I grew up with nothing and worked for everything I have and have never been handed anything in my life!  It's made me appreciate everything I have so much and I'm proud of what I've accomplished.  It just irks me that people who don't try get everything handed to them.

      I just don't know how to reply to the email she sent.  Do I ignore it?  Do the politically correct thing and say I'm too busy to help?  Or do I tell her to plan her own goddamn wedding?

  • Reply to the email, if you ignore it she'll just send it again or call you.

    Just wish her well and make a polite excuse as to why you can't be involved in the planning- you have a lot going on with work, you didn't enjoy planning your own wedding etc.

  • It's not your life, and you're letting this bother you way too much.

    Email her back and say something like "I'm sorry you're having difficulties planning the wedding. If it's so much trouble, perhaps scaling down the cost and complexity of the wedding would simplify everything for you. I'm currently very busy with X project, so I'm unable to help with your wedding. Best of luck to you."

    End of story. 

    If you get a shower invitation, RSVP that you will be unable to attend. Plan to be elsewhere the day of the wedding. Politely decline to participate. No one can force you to go to the wedding, and politely making excuses and avoiding it is likely to cause less drama than telling your cousin she's a lazy mooching whore. Besides, she isn't going to listen to you anyway, so why be the bad guy?

  • I totally get the feelings of frustration and anger that can come from seeing people display a feeling of entitlement, or an "I deserve it" attitude. I see it all the time and it makes me want to smack someone. But here's the thing - no matter what you say, nothing about her behavior will change. She will continue to behave as she is, and worse still, she will raise her children to have the same attitude that she has.

     

    But (here's the thing) --- You Can't Change Other People. You just can't.  You can talk to her about it till you're blue in the face, her attitude won't change an iota, and she'll start to badmouth you to her friends and your shared family. So really, what will it get you? Other than the side-eye o' hate from the aunt and other relatives, will it get you what you want? Probably not.

     

    What do you want to do? Do you want to attend the wedding? Go ahead. Would you rather skip it? Go ahead. Do you want to vent to your husband or your dear trusted friend (who doesn't know the parties involved and will keep mum)? Go ahead. But changing your cousin ain't gonna happen. 

  • Thank you so much for all the help.  I was quite upset posting my original message.  Perhaps I should have stepped back from the keyboard, taken a deep breath and not come across so darn angry Embarrassed.  I think you guys are right, my best bet is to politely distance myself from the wedding.  Thanks again Big Smile
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