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Is he unsure?

I was with my ex-boyfriend for over 6 years, we were engaged at one time, then stopped the wedding because we weren't ready. We stayed together for 4  more years but I never got another proposal and we talked about it. In the end he told me he wasn't sure I was the one for him and I felt the same way so we ended our relatioship. My new guy and I have been together for about 4 months. I knew pretty much from the beginning that I wanted to marry him. He acts like he does too but I don't know if I'm reading it wrong. He brings up rings, looks at tuxs, and talks about a wedding and getting married. It seems like when I bring up anything wedding related he totally freezes up and won't talk about it. I don't bring it up a lot, something small every few days and we are around each other all the time. Am I just being too pushy? I just think that if we are going to be married we need to talk about it and think about things. He won't commit to an estimate date for proposal or wedding. He also seems to be getting irritated with me more and more lately and says he doesn't feel well all the time. Do you think he is changing his mind?
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Re: Is he unsure?

  • I think you need to slow down a little bit. After being in such a long term relationship (your previous one), it can be hard to get back into new/young relationship mode. But for the sake of your current relationship, I think you need to give it some time.?
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  • Definitely slow down.  Why aren't you just enjoying the fun that comes with the beginnings of a relationship?  It's only been 4 months and even if you thought he was the "One" it's still too early to discuss these things!  Just enjoy being together.  And if you're bringing it up every few days that is a lot!  I can't say why he would think it's ok to discuss it but you can't.  What I want to know is in what context is he bringing up rings, tuxes, etc.  Is he saying, "I would want our rings to look like this," or "Do you think I should wear a tux or suit for our wedding?" 
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  • Whoa! hold on...four months is too brief a period of time to count on anything like possible marriage.

    He's jumping the gun one moment and the next he's not in the game. Think about that one.

     How long has it been since you've broken off with the other guy? I'm willing to bet it was fairly recently.

    And if this is the case, indeed take your time. YOu haven't even gotten a chance to get over the last relationship yet you're jumping into possible marriage with this new guy. Again, take your time.

  • Definitely SLOW DOWN.  I agree with pp's - you are cheating yourself out of all of the fun that comes along with a new relationship - the first few months/year can be incredible!  Of course you will be 'getting to know' your BF/FI/DH forever, assuming you stay together, but the beginning is so much fun.  Dh and I talk about this sometimes and have even re-created a few dates just for kicks.

    Regardless of the history that you shared, four months is probably too soon to be planning.  Wait it out, calm down, and enjoy the ride.  What's the huge rush to get married right now unless you have a downpayment on a reception site already?  :p  Just kidding. 

     Seriously...him clamming up every time you bring up wedding stuff should be a red flag to you that he isn't ready.  This doesn't mean that he won't be, but you guys are still getting to know each other.  He's *probably* talking about marriage in "what if's" - like, "I want to marry you someday", "we'll have a beautiful wedding (someday)"... and I don't see anything wrong with you taking your time.  I wish you the best of luck and happiness.  :)

  • Bringing it up every few days is a LOT.  Especially when you're only a few months into the relationship! 

    I hope you've had some time between previous, serious relationship and this one.  Otherwise I worry you might be in "rebound" mode.

    IMHO, you need to slow down and let it go for right now.  Enjoy the newness of the relationship!  This is the part that you'll reminisce about someday! 

  • I'd be getting irritated with you too if you were constantly hitting me over the head with marriage talk after only four months.

    I've got to know -- how old are you and when did your previous relationship end?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Four months? That's it?  Four.  You say that you wanted to marry him "pretty much from the begining" but that just means that you were ready for a commitment ... and this guy was quality ... but you didn't really KNOW him ... and you still don't.  And every couple of days, when you spend lots of days together is all the time.  Geez.  Four months is still in the 'best behavior' time of a relationship.  Why not spend some time getting to know him .. not just your idea of who he is ... really him ... before you lock him into a life-long commitment?  He's not a falling interest rate .... you don't have to commit before you loose your investment.

    I think demanding more means you are not happy with where you two are right now.  That was a good leson to learn 6 years into a relationship ... but it is mis-applied 4 months into this one. 

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  • I'm not going to be a hypocrite and tell you that you are talking about marriage too soon. DH proposed after 6 months and we are fine. We also had dated A LOT of other people (getting our exes our of our system, findind ourselves,blah blah blah) so when we found each other we were sure.

    That said, I wouldn't bring it up every couple of days! Wait until he says something,and then say "you know, we've been talking around this issue quite a bit. Is now a good time to talk about how where we see this relationship if headed in the future? I'm not asking for a commitment or a date, but I want to be sure we're on the same page." That way you can get it all on the table. If he doesn't want to, that means he is either not sure or ir just getting used to the idea.

  • He's not a falling interest rate .... you don't have to commit before you loose your investment

    This may be the most intelligent thing I've heard all day.  I like it.

    I too, agree that you should slow down...I'd advise you read the post on TIP "Update to my husband asking for seperate accounts" or something like that.  PLEASE take the time to get to know/trust him--there are men out there who are REALLY REALLY good at looking like a sure thing, only to turn out to be complete a-holes.

  • I agree with all the previous posters you need to slow down! Four months is very soon to be discussing rings and wedding dates and next steps. Your suppose to still be dating and having a blast and learning new and different things about each other.  I dont think he is losing interest but you are probably overwhelming him by bringing the idea of marriage up every few days.  SLOW DOWN, ENJOY the beginnings of what can be a fun great and AMAZING thing if you let it and let him get to that point when he is ready. 
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  • Ditto all of the previous posters.

    There is also a larger problem here. If you are this focused on the future, you're never going to enjoy life. It's all going to pass you by as you are trying to pin down tomorrow's plans.

  • Yeah... I'm w/ the majority. Slow down.  Honestly, I get the sense that your more in love w/ the idea of being MARRIED than you necessarily are w/ marrying THIS guy. 

    I'll say this- I have good friends who met, knew pretty much immediately that this was "it" and got married less than a year later.  Engaged I think after only about 2 months.  She is actually on these boards occasionally and maybe she'll catch this and can speak to her own experience with it.

    While they've now been married 11 years, are happy, have 2 wonderful kids- they'll even admit they are the exception to the rule. 

    Great, your BF has talked about marriage, but then he also freezes up.  This tells me that he is NOT ready and that he isn't 100% sure yet.  And that is FINE.  That doesn't mean you all aren't going to get married, but I'm sure it's on his mind that this might just be TOO quick. 

    As someone else said- why not just enjoy the RELATIONSHIP right now.  Focus on getting to know him better.  Totally shelve the talk of marriage for now.  For a LONG "now".  Give your relationship time to grow and mature, and give yourselves BOTH time to really get to know one another better. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • If you are this focused on the future, you're never going to enjoy life. It's all going to pass you by as you are trying to pin down tomorrow's plans.

    Can NOT "ditto" this enough.  LIfe is the here and now.  It's not the future.  If you only focus on the future, life WILL pass you by.

    Someone I used to be friends w/ was like this.  She met her BF and then it was all talk of getting engaged.  They got engaged.  Then it was all talk about the wedding (of coruse) and buying a house.  They bought a house and got married, then it was immediately talk about babies.

    it was ALWAYS about "the next step".  It was never about "wow- now that I'm married, I just want to enjoy our home and our marriage for awhile.  This is fun and I just want to soak it in.".  It was immediately "I want to get PG and have a baby before our 1st anniversary!". 

    While you should plan for the future and have an idea of what you want - at the same time, there needs to be a balance and you need to also focus on the here and now.    And you aren't doing that. It's ALL about marriage and "when" for you.  And honestly- that could chase this guy off.  While he may have gotten caught up in the "romance" of a new relationship a little, at the same time- if he isn't ready, he isn't ready, and bringing it up all the time most likely WILL make him back off even more and perhaps end the relationship. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • You have a wedding date in your profile though. What is that about?
  • Well, it's not even that you're focused on the future - you're focused on a wedding.  That means nothing.  Talking about rings and tuxes is not a good indicator that he is the right guy to make a lifetime commitment with - think about that.  If a wedding is all marriage means to you, you need to grow up some more before even considering marrying anyone. 

    Marriage isn't about a white wedding dress - it isn't even about romance or passionate love, necessarily.  It's about compatibility, communication, mutual respect, and dedication.  And 4 months is NOT long enough to determine those things about one another.  I don't know how old you are, but why the rush to get married to someone?  Maybe he is marriage material, but you're just going to chase him away with your actions.  It's OK to not be ready for marriage, and it's OK to admit that.

  • I know of couples that have met and married quickly and it all worked out wonderfully. However, I think that it takes a while to really get to know someone. I actually, for me, would impose a time period of two years. I think that's how long it takes for people to really show themselves for real (this is my personal timeline, not saying everyone needs to adhere to it).

    At the beginning, we are showing our best selves. It takes a while for our real habits and tendencies to come out. I got engaged after a year, married after two years. I can see now that there were things about my H that I didn't see. He wasn't hiding things from me but it just takes a while to really get to know someone.

    The fact that this guy is talking about marriage at all is a good sign that he cares for you and takes this relationship seriously. My advice for you would be to stop bringing it up. You're likely to drive him away with this premature talk.

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  • holy crap....4 months and you are pushing him down the aisle? damn im surprised he isnt gone yet!

    what the hell is your rush?

    id be changing my mind.

    STOP talking aobut ALL things related to marriage. STOP completely or i will guarantee he wont be around much longer.

    you sound very young...and very desperate to get married.

  • image littlefootann:
    I I just think that if we are going to be married we need to talk about it and think about things. He won't commit to an estimate date for proposal or wedding. He also seems to be getting irritated with me more and more lately and says he doesn't feel well all the time. Do you think he is changing his mind?

    I agree with the others--enjoy this journey and see where it leads. . .he may be just feeling things out out loud and when you say them he if feeling cornered and nagged.

    I know I'm one not to let a subject drop and you may unconsciously pushing him into a corner or away.

    Like a previous poster asked how long has it been since you broke up with the ex?

    This is a different person and you cannot base this relationship on another or rush it along b/c you may have invested so much time with someone else. Honestly you would be scaring ME away.

    Don't want to beat you up. . .maybe you need to have a heart to heart with a dear friend who is familiar with the situation and can help you discover having fun as an individual and not looking for him to fulfill you.

     

    Jennifer
  • There's a lot to consider:

     He hasn't been around druing a crisis  and hasn't been around for a long term crisis: you'll see how dependable he is if you have one.

    You don't even know how liquid he is or how he saves or spends his money -- that's also crucial.

     You probably haven't met his family or a lot of his friends -- his friends and family are also to be taken into account.

    Other things to consider: what kind of a relationship he's got with his family.

    Just an FYI. You can't get a toehold on all of these factors in four short months.

     

  • At only 4 months of dating, he should be unsure!  Do you even know each other's birthdays or middle names?
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  • image OMG Guinea Pigs!!:

    Well, it's not even that you're focused on the future - you're focused on a wedding.  That means nothing.  Talking about rings and tuxes is not a good indicator that he is the right guy to make a lifetime commitment with - think about that.  If a wedding is all marriage means to you, you need to grow up some more before even considering marrying anyone. 

    Marriage isn't about a white wedding dress - it isn't even about romance or passionate love, necessarily.  It's about compatibility, communication, mutual respect, and dedication.  And 4 months is NOT long enough to determine those things about one another.  I don't know how old you are, but why the rush to get married to someone?  Maybe he is marriage material, but you're just going to chase him away with your actions.  It's OK to not be ready for marriage, and it's OK to admit that.

    This is a really good point.  Are either of you actually even talking about marriage yet, or are you just talking about a wedding?  There is a huge difference.  I do think that sometimes 4 months can be long enough, under the right circomstances, but nothing you have said about your relationship leads me to believe that you are one of those rare couples who really get to know each other so well so quickly... a lot of what you've said actually suggests to me that you are not.

    I'm going to go against the grain and not suggest slowing down.  I'd suggest straight out asking him what his intentions are and why he keeps bring up rings and weddings yet freaks out when you bring them up.  If you can't do this or find it overly difficult, then that's a pretty good sign you are no where near ready to marry this guy.  And if he can't/won't give you a straight forward answer, that's a bad sign for him as well.  But the reason I say to ask is because I think only a first rate jerk would be leading you on in this way without the intention to follow through... and if he had the intention of following through, I think he wouldn't clam up when you bring it up.  I think this speaks volumes about his character and level of respect for you, and not in a good way.  I'd want to hear what he had to say for himself, but I'd be very warry of continuing the relationship at all.  I'd certainly ask him to shut his trap about weddings and whatnot until he really means it, and make it clear that I expect, above all else, honesty in my relationships. 

  • What's this guy's history, actually? ?Other posters have mentioned your being in a long relationship and engaged before, and how that has maybe primed you to be ready to find "the one" and get married. ?Does your guy have a similar background? If so, you guys might want to look at each other really hard and think, "Do I like this person, as they are, right now, and would be with them happily even if neither of us had ever even said the word "marriage", or do I just really, really want this to be "the one"?"?

    As far as his mentioning wedding-related things and you wanting that to mean there's a solid proposal in the future, etc.... I understand, I do. ?It drives me nuts when people hint at things, especially for a long time. I always want everything on the table- sort of an "Are you just saying that, or ?do you mean it, and if you mean it, let's talk it all out." But I think you have more to gain here by assuming, until he flat out says he wants to marry you and sets a date, that he's playing around with the idea, and treat it in kind. ?When he means it, you won't have to wonder. ?Until then, feel all fuzzy he thinks of you as someone he could marry some day and concentrate on all the fun stuff you guys are learning about each other and doing together now. ?

  • FOUR MONTHS and you're talking about rings, tuxes, etc? ?You're moving too quickly. ?I wasn't sure I wanted to marry FI until we'd been dating four years and every time he brought it up it put more and more pressure on our relationship. ?When he finally stopped talking about it, it gave me time to clear my head, think and figure out what my priorities were. ?That's when I decided I did want to marry him. ?It's a huge, lifetime commitment and its unfathomable to me that you could know someone well enough after four months to even contemplate marrying them.
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  • FOUR months. You don't even know what color a guys socks are after four months! Slow it the hell down. Get to know each other - and I mean really know each other.

    Right now, all you really know is that for the past 4 months this guy has been on his best behavior and you like it... See what a year or two brings. Have you even had your first argument yet? What's the rush if you two ARE going somewhere?

    And are you two discussing the actual MARRIAGE aspect of this whole thing... All I hear is you talking about a 6 hour long wedding... How about that lifetime that follows it?

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  • DH proposed to me after us having been together LESS than four months - so I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged or considering an engagement after four months.  However, constantly nagging him - and I don't care what you call it - its nagging - to get a proposal will get you no where.  Further, it appears to me that you have done a lot of talking about the PARTY aspect of it but what about the relationship itself?  When DH and I decided to get married we talked mostly about where we would live, how we would handle our finances while he was still in school, etc - only after the proposal did we discuss actual wedding stuff. 

  • MUD....she is not even replying.
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  • Holy crap, girl, relax. ?I knew DH was "the One" ?from Date No. 3... or at least I was pretty sure... and I don't think the word "marriage" even passed between us for the first year and a half we dated.

    Then we started talking about how we were going to raise our kids, how we'd manage both our careers, the dream house we wanted to build together. ?I think that's the stuff you have to be talking about now - planning the party is just not that difficult.

    We didn't start talking about the wedding until he proposed and we set a tentative time frame for it. ?We were married ten months later. ?And it was a damn good party, too, even with only ten months to talk about it. :)?

  • image oupinkkitty:

    DH proposed to me after us having been together LESS than four months - so I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged or considering an engagement after four months.  However, constantly nagging him - and I don't care what you call it - its nagging - to get a proposal will get you no where.  Further, it appears to me that you have done a lot of talking about the PARTY aspect of it but what about the relationship itself?  When DH and I decided to get married we talked mostly about where we would live, how we would handle our finances while he was still in school, etc - only after the proposal did we discuss actual wedding stuff. 

    That was totally us!  Even after the proposal, it was like the wedding "party" was an afterthought. We were more excited about how our lives would be better together. When we met with vendors they were surprised about how laid back we were about things. I guess they are used to bridezillas who care more about the wedding than the marriage.

  • image Mrs.Handy:
    MUD....she is not even replying.

    It would be better if she did reply. What's the sense of hit and run MUD?

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  • Oh, sure: I too know of a couple that met and got married in a hugely brief amount of time: six weeks.

     She was a blind date that his neighbor tried to fix him up with for eons. He decided to humor the neighbor and just go out with her...once. hehe

    Nice people. THey're married over 12 years by now. (and he was one of these guys who was single for years [was a widower] and he had his own independent life going and a slew of interests. Heh. Marriage was probably the last thing he was thinking of, probably with anybody. 

     

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