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HELP/venting..

Kinda long so be prepared ladies.

Mk, well the FI just pissed me off yesterday over something stupid but he did it in a way that is so familiar. When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me) and I said, "well this march 5th it was quite warm, like 65." (still trying to be calm) him, "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings" I said, "well honey.. the temperature isn't super important since ladies will be taking their shoes off reguardless and this way they don't have to walk out onto the terrace or to have a smoke barefooted.." (!!!) his response? "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them". I got frustrated at this and he later said well I was just offering differing opinions and other ideas. But my point is.. he wasn't! He was just being rude and shooting me down like he freaking always does. He always claims we're having a debate.. and in my mind he's just being *** rude and has nothing positive to say. He also then later claimed that he said it was a good idea but he definitely did not. So I'm wondering if maybe he just doesn't realize he's being so negative? Idk but it's reallllly starting to get on my nerves.

Most of the time we argue about housework and sex. And these arguments always go the same. He just points out all the times I've turned him down or everything he does around the house.. which is uhm nothing. Maybe he'll put his dishes in the dishwasher after having to ask me if they're dirty instead of just looking in the dishwasher. (Why do I have to tell him they're dirty.. usually I don't even remember.. here's an idea.. OPEN THE EFFING DISHWASHER AND SEE!!!) And with sex I mean it's getting better but we used to have sex like 3 and 4 times a day and as someone recovering from an eating disorder whenever he turns me down all I can think is I'm a hideous mf-er and he must hate me or I'm doing something wrong. And when I tell him this, he's just like well I don't like to be turned down either.. I don't think he understands..

Our arguments are just so damn predictable. He sees everything so black and white (he's a software developer and has a very linear mind) and it seems like he has a very skewed tally mark contest going on in his mind and I just don't get it it.   I really feel like he wants to help, he just forgets and when he gets home from work he's too damn tired. I'm a student and I think he doesn't see it as as hard of a job and granted I do have more off time than he does and right now I'm actually taking a semester off. (Please don't call me lazy, believe me it was needed. Family and friends were concerned they were going to come home and find me hanging somewhere.)

I'm just so confused. Any of you guys have trouble getting through to your significant others? It's like arguing with a brick wall. And I'm really concerned I'm going to start reallllly resenting him.

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Re: HELP/venting..

  • I don't have any great suggestions except that you two work on your communication issues before you get married.  If you already feel like you are starting to resent him and you aren't married yet, it's time to step back and re-evaluate. 
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  • Thanks. It's really beginning to scare me. It seems like talking just makes things worse though which makes me just want to push it in the back of my mind and try to forget why I was mad. I know he loves me more than anything, and everyone I know is completely in love with him and can't understand why I'd ever be mad at him.
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  • Why will ladies be taking their shoes off, especially when going outside to smoke?  I do not understand.  I think flip flops are a strage wedding favor unless you are having a beach/beach theme wedding. 
  • I think it's aaadorable. I always take my shoes off at weddings because I insist on wearing cute high heels and then I just end up screwing myself. Then some people are weird about walking around without shoes. I just wanna make everyone as comfortable as possible and everyone else I've talked to loved the idea. Maybe I'm just a retard but I think it's cute and fun.
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  • Seriously, you need some professional help.

    I have to agree with your Fi about the flipflops.  If your wedding was being held in July, flipflops would be a lovely idea...March, not so much.  The argument, as you relayed it, seems like a reasonable exchange of ideas.  Your Fi thought that the weather would be too cold for them, you disagreed, he said "OK, but don't be upset that no one uses them" (obviously a frequent argument ender he has had to use before) and you are pissed because he didn't *gush* support and excitement about your idea.

    Your annoyance with him about the dishwasher is lame.  Frequently, especially if you rinse your dishes, it is not immediately apparent if the dishes are clean or dirty.  By double checking with you, he is saving himself the hassle of unloading the dishwasher halfway to find that the dishes were actually dirty or the irritation of having you rave at him for putting a dirty dish in with the clean ones.  And I bet you are a real raver.

    The fact that you no longer have sex 3-4 times a day is normal.  If you are feeling intense feelings of rejection due to the natural fact that as a couple's relationship progresses they will probably have sex with less frequency, you need therapy.  You mention the psychological impact of your eating disorder -- it is obviously ongoing and impacting your life currently.

    You guys need pre-marital counseling and   STAT.  You are going to make yourself crazy and make him divorce you if you stay on this unreasonable track.

  • Why are you marrying this guy if you are already having these predictable arguments?
  • Okay, now I understand.  Wedding planning is very stressful and causes a lot of stupid arguments.  Try not to take it personally.  If he is okay with the idea, just do it and don't worry about it.  My husband is honest with his opinions too and it does bother me at times.  I try not to take it personally, because I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings.  Also, I know I do it to him too and don't realize it.  Good luck :)  March 5th is my B-day by the way :)
  • Mk well now at least I know I over reacted about the flip flop thing. Thank you guys for that. Raving is kind of the opposite problem of what I have. I tend to just let things go until I just let something silly bother me. Obviously very unhelpful in any kind of adult long term relationship but I honestly feel like discussing things is just like beating a dead horse. I have issues expressing exactly what it is I'm mad about and he can't understand how I can't always articulate my feelings.
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  • Thanks catnapper! I never thought I'd be one to stress about wedding planning, I never even wanted to get married.. until I met him. He is just so dang honest sometimes it stuns me. And he has no understanding of kind of softening the truth a bit. And haha I'm going to have to send you an e card or something!
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  • imagedan_and_andrea:
    I have issues expressing exactly what it is I'm mad about and he can't understand how I can't always articulate my feelings.

    I'm sure the wedding ring will solve all of your communication problems.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • imagezitiqueen:

    imagedan_and_andrea:
    I have issues expressing exactly what it is I'm mad about and he can't understand how I can't always articulate my feelings.

    I'm sure the wedding ring will solve all of your communication problems.

    No but I am a work in progress, as is he. We are willing to work at everything we have and believe any relationship is hard work. I take a bit off offense to that statement. But I am far from the school of that that a ring fixes any problem, at all.

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  • imagezitiqueen:

    imagedan_and_andrea:
    I have issues expressing exactly what it is I'm mad about and he can't understand how I can't always articulate my feelings.

    I'm sure the wedding ring will solve all of your communication problems.

    If that doesn't work, a baby will fix it!

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  • mud mud, muddy mud mud.
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  • imageaurora123179:
    imagezitiqueen:

    imagedan_and_andrea:
    I have issues expressing exactly what it is I'm mad about and he can't understand how I can't always articulate my feelings.

    I'm sure the wedding ring will solve all of your communication problems.

    If that doesn't work, a baby will fix it!

    I know people who actually do think this. It's so sad, poor kids.

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  • Oh, for as much as I hate throwing a statement like this out there, it's the first thing I thought of when I finished reading your vent.

    I feel sorry for your FI.  I really, really do.  You sound like an impossible AW.  One who is always right, and who demands constant assurance of her self-worth.

    You ASKED him his opinion on your flip flop idea.  He gave it to you (and not that it matters, but I agree 100% with him).  You're mad that he didn't jump up and down and clap with excitement over your idea and proclaim you to be the smartest and most creative woman in the history of wedding planning.  Get over it - either you want his opinion and you want to plan this wedding as a true partner, or you don't. 

    Ditto Daring above about the dishwasher.  No, it's not always obvious if the dishes are clean or dirty.  Seriously - does it really bother you THAT much to just answer him when he asks you?  Mountain out of a molehill, you're looking for something to be annoyed over.

    Maybe having sex 3-4 times a day is normal for couples in the lusty infatuation period............but here's a newsflash for you - it's normal for the amount of sex to ebb and flow throughout a relationship, and it's normal for the amount to decrease a bit after that lust period fades and that pesky little thing called life gets in the way.  If everytime I turned my DH down for sex I had to listen to him rant and scream about how I don't find him attractive and I hate him, it would make me want to have sex with him even less.  I truly would start to hate him and be repulsed by him. 

    You're clearly not recovered from your eating disorder.  Are you in therapy?  Because even as a casual observer I can tell that you need it.  Stop basing your self-worth on your FI's sex drive.

    I will call you lazy.  School was just too hard for you, so you had to take a semester off?  Are you working at all?  I'd be beyond pissed if I had to carry a deadweight SO who couldn't handle going to school or working, even if they weren't doing them together.  If I got home from working all day and got pounced on by my worthless SAH SO for not doing enough to help out, I'd flip the fck out.  Big time.

    If you resent him this much, I can only imagine the amount of resentment that he has towards you.  Postpone the damn wedding, stop worrying about stupid flip flop favors, and get yourselves in to premarital counseling.  Your marriage sounds like a ticking time bomb to an early divorce.

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  • Maybride2, I pink puffy heart you.
  • Is this post for real?

    If it is....I might blame the stress of wedding planning, but whatever the cause you're being ridiculous.  You want his opinion, no?  Then if he says something obvious like "don't you think it might be cold for flip flops in march" then just take it as a constructive criticism, don't read into it to the point where you're getting angry over nothing.  The fact is, it IS cold in march usually and so flip flops do take SOME stretch of the imagination.

    Really though if I was you I'd go to a pre-marriage counseling class (we did this before we got married, and it was the best thing we could have ever done.  We hadn't been arguing but it still taught us a ton about each other and the way we think and fight.

    Try to relax a bit before you freak out.  Maybe in your mind think to yourself when you get all pissed off at him..make sure you're not mad because you're stressed. If it's for a real reason then TALK to him, don't yell, that solves nothing.  And really NEITHER of you should be bringing up past arguments during current arguments.

  • I am in therapy. And honestly we don't fight that much. I do have a job, two. Thank you for your honesty. I really am glad to know I over reacted.
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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    imagecatnapperJZ:
    Why will ladies be taking their shoes off, especially when going outside to smoke?  I do not understand.  I think flip flops are a strage wedding favor unless you are having a beach/beach theme wedding. 

    Flip flops are a very popular thing to offer guests at weddings now, regardless of the location.  Though, usually it's not a favor.  Usually there is a basket of flip flops available near the dance floor for the women who would prefer to take off their uncomfortable high heels.

    It's not as weird and out of place as it might sound.  It's actually pretty common nowadays.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • imageLil'BlackDress:

    Is this post for real?

    If it is....I might blame the stress of wedding planning, but whatever the cause you're being ridiculous.  You want his opinion, no?  Then if he says something obvious like "don't you think it might be cold for flip flops in march" then just take it as a constructive criticism, don't read into it to the point where you're getting angry over nothing.  The fact is, it IS cold in march usually and so flip flops do take SOME stretch of the imagination.

    Really though if I was you I'd go to a pre-marriage counseling class (we did this before we got married, and it was the best thing we could have ever done.  We hadn't been arguing but it still taught us a ton about each other and the way we think and fight.

    Try to relax a bit before you freak out.  Maybe in your mind think to yourself when you get all pissed off at him..make sure you're not mad because you're stressed. If it's for a real reason then TALK to him, don't yell, that solves nothing.  And really NEITHER of you should be bringing up past arguments during current arguments.

    Yeah I'm episcopalian so we do pre marital counseling. I am sorry for being ridiculous.. I don't know what's wrong with me.

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  • imageimoan:

    imagecatnapperJZ:
    Why will ladies be taking their shoes off, especially when going outside to smoke?  I do not understand.  I think flip flops are a strage wedding favor unless you are having a beach/beach theme wedding. 

    Flip flops are a very popular thing to offer guests at weddings now, regardless of the location.  Though, usually it's not a favor.  Usually there is a basket of flip flops available near the dance floor for the women who would prefer to take off their uncomfortable high heels.

    It's not as weird and out of place as it might sound.  It's actually pretty common nowadays.

    That's what I thought! And we live in SC so for example, right now it's 77 degrees out. And sorry for the confusion but yeah they'd just be by the dance floor with ribbon to match the decor tying the pairs together.

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  • in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me

    So, here's teh question.  Was it really in a snotty voice, or were you just hearing it that way because you were pissed he didn't agree?

    Really think about that, because for as much as you seem to be getting pissy at the advice here, this will be a HUGE downfall to your communication skills w/ your FI.

    If you hear everything in a snotty tone just because you don't want to hear it, it's not going to bode well for the future of your communciation skills OR marriage.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me) and I said, "well this march 5th it was quite warm, like 65." (still trying to be calm) him, "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings" I said, "well honey.. the temperature isn't super important since ladies will be taking their shoes off reguardless and this way they don't have to walk out onto the terrace or to have a smoke barefooted.." (!!!) his response? "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them".

    You're getting caught in a tit-for-tat and you know it.  This conversation would go MUCH differently if you stepped out of the spiral and SAID what you thought. 

    HIM: When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me)

    YOU SAY:  That sounds a little snotty. 

    (And don't try to 'calm' him when you are disagreeing.  Just disagree, nobody like to be played, even nicely.)

    HIM: "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings"

    YOU: Yes, March is a tough month for warm and cold weather.  It's just a favor gift.  I like it. If its warm enough, people may like using them.

    HIM:  "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them"

    YOU:  Are you really conserned about me getting mad, or do you just not like the flip-flop favor?

    At any point you would have had a MUCH different conversation if you spoke differently.  Why get so bogged down?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • imageEastCoastBride:

    in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me

    So, here's teh question.  Was it really in a snotty voice, or were you just hearing it that way because you were pissed he didn't agree?

    Really think about that, because for as much as you seem to be getting pissy at the advice here, this will be a HUGE downfall to your communication skills w/ your FI.

    If you hear everything in a snotty tone just because you don't want to hear it, it's not going to bode well for the future of your communciation skills OR marriage.

    I am honestly really enjoying the advice I'm getting on here that it is just me and I need to calm the f down. I'm not mad at all about what anyone has said, I am truly finding it very helpful. He does sometimes say things rudely and that time I think it is quite possible that he said it ruder than he meant to. I'm sorry if my responses sound at all snotty, it wasn't intentional.

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  • imageMaybride2:

    I will call you lazy.  School was just too hard for you, so you had to take a semester off?  Are you working at all?  I'd be beyond pissed if I had to carry a deadweight SO who couldn't handle going to school or working, even if they weren't doing them together.  If I got home from working all day and got pounced on by my worthless SAH SO for not doing enough to help out, I'd flip the fck out.  Big time.

    I second the throwing of the lazy card.  It's not unreasonable at all to expect a stay at home SO to do most of the household chores.  What the heck are you doing all day that you feel justified picking on your working FI about not doing enough?  Terrible.

  • *record screech* 

    3 & 4 times a day?? 

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    WEDDING PLANNING ISN'T STRESSFUL!  Want to know why?  Because it's a big freakin' party!  And I own a wedding planning business. 

    It sounds like you need to work on stress management.  Your family and friends thought you were going to hang yourself over SCHOOL?  That is not a normal reaction to school-level stress (i.e. lower stress situations). 

    And yes, you also need to work on communication within your marriage BEFORE you walk down that aisle.

    I would highly recommend individual counseling for you and relationship counseling for you and your FI.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • What's wrong with you is that you're stressed.  And you've decided to take out all your stress on your FI - who is only being himself.  If you can't handle the way he is or you can't handle this kind of stress, then perhaps you need to cancel/postpone the wedding. 

    TBH, a lot of what you've said in your OP just smacks of Bridezillaisms.  Don't take all this shiit so seriously!   Calm down!

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  • For what it's worth, I don't know if she intended the flip flops to be actual "favors," but a way for the heel-wearing girls to dance more comfortably.
  • imageEngineerAaron:
    imageMaybride2:

    I will call you lazy.  School was just too hard for you, so you had to take a semester off?  Are you working at all?  I'd be beyond pissed if I had to carry a deadweight SO who couldn't handle going to school or working, even if they weren't doing them together.  If I got home from working all day and got pounced on by my worthless SAH SO for not doing enough to help out, I'd flip the fck out.  Big time.

    I second the throwing of the lazy card.  It's not unreasonable at all to expect a stay at home SO to do most of the household chores.  What the heck are you doing all day that you feel justified picking on your working FI about not doing enough?  Terrible.

     I really don't yell at him. I hate yelling and I find it very disrespectful to yell at anyone we have calm discussions if anything but usually I just give up before solving anything. I do all the house work and I guess I just expect him to once he gets home say thanks or something.

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