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I spoke too soon... the vomitorium goes on

Holy sweet merciful crap I should never have posted on here about feeling better and not vomiting any more. I have clearly jinxed myself.

The following is not for the queasy, faint of heart or those having shephard's pie for dinner tonight:

So I felt freaking awesome, better than I have in MONTHS, so I go online and post about how great I'm feeling. Wonderful, right? We then go for dinner at my grandmother's for Shephard's Pie ( yum! ) and I'm feeling pretty good. 

Armed with leftovers from Grandma's, I head back to my mother's place to watch a movie ( Death at a Funeral. Nearly pissed myself watching it, funniest movie I've ever seen! ) and stupidly, dig into the leftovers around midnight.

About an hour later, I had a vicious rumbly in my tummy and, convinced I was about to crap my pants, darted to the bathroom to unleash my inner demons upon my poor mother's immaculately decorated ground floor washroom.

As I was sitting there sweating profusely and thanking god that I had made it to the toilet in time, another, more familiar rumbly started in my tummy - the shephard's pie was coming up! I tried to yell for a bucket ( the sink was too far away and the bathtub was a good couple of feet away ) but couldn't open my mouth for fear of what was about to come out.

I had to make a quick executive decision, thus I stayed where I was on the toilet and puked on the floor.

The problem was, there was a lot of vomit that came up in horrible, heaving waves. It splattered all over my jeans, the walls ( the nearby baseboards were pretty well coated in mashed potatoes and creamed corn ), the side of the tub a couple of feet away even got some shrapnel on it and there was puke splashes up to the door handle on the back of the door. It was a true exorcist experience.

I finish my business and, choking, sweating and half dead I crawl out into the hall to die. My mother, who had heard everything that was going on in there was laughing so hard that the only help she was able to offer was to spray my limp body sprawled on the carpet with a healthy dose of Febreeze and to text both my husband and my sister a full play by play as it was happening. My stepfather came to see what the commotion was, looked inside the bathroom and ran to the kitchen sink to throw up his own dinner, while also dying of laughter.

Once I recovered I was able to tie a pashmina around my face and clean up the bathroom, but it took a good 30 minutes and I'm going to have to buy my mother a new dustpan. Hers has now seen too much horror to ever be used again.

So yes. Since that day I've tossed my cookies every single day again ( but at least it's only once a day now, which is much better than it was previously ) and I solely blame my post on the IN board.

So I'm retracting that statement. I'm not feeling better. I'm still Linda Blair.

And I'm getting on a plane back to the UK in roughly 4 hours. Excellent.

Wish me luck ladies. 

image

Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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Re: I spoke too soon... the vomitorium goes on

  • Aww, that sounds awful. I hope you feel better soon. Good luck on your flight back!
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  • Oh no! Shephard's pie on the flipside doesn't sound great! Hope you get another reprieve soon!
  • Aw, that sounds awful. Poor Tofu :( Maybe the twins just really like airplanes? When you give them another ride maybe they'll give you another break! 

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  • Yikes, how awful for you! I seriously hope the trip back is completely uneventful and smooth for you.

  • oh dear

    well I hope it was just a leftovers fluke

    good luck for the flight!

  • honestly, you need to start a blog.

    also, you should read rantsfrommommyland - there is a morning sickness/corn poop post on there that is so funny I really did laugh so hard that I peed my pants. 

  • I'm so sorry.  I hope that you have an amazing birth.
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  • Oh my.  Good luck on the plane!!
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  • Praying your flight is vomit free.   

  • I hope that your flight back was uneventful.  I thought my morning sickness had passed a few times before it really did, and as soon as I said something it came back with a vengeance.  I hope that yours passes soon.
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  • Tofu, how in the world do you manage to make something so godawful sound so farking hilarious?!?!  Seriously, you need a blog, or a book, because you are too funny for words.

    That being said...I'm sorry your sickness is back!!!  At least you got a few days reprieve, and I hope that this bout is gone soon.  Hopefully the flight goes well...I'll be thinking about you!

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  • OMG Tofu!  I feel so sorry for you....but still think this would make a great book.  Your scenes are the pregnant version of gross Tucker Max drunken sexcapades from his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.  

    Feel better! 

    PS-Thanks for the movie rec :)

  • image oneslybookworm:

    Tofu, how in the world do you manage to make something so godawful sound so farking hilarious?!?!  Seriously, you need a blog, or a book, because you are too funny for words.

    This. But I do hope that you feel better soon. 

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  • image oneslybookworm:

    Tofu, how in the world do you manage to make something so godawful sound so farking hilarious?!?!  Seriously, you need a blog, or a book, because you are too funny for words.

    this this this! I laughed until I cried.

    And for what it's worth, I have been there before- at least the coming outta both ends at once place- many, many times. I bet, judging by her reaction, your mom has been there as well.

  • Poor you, I would honestly ask to be put down if this happened to me. Seems the twins like planes though, so fingers crossed the flight back is puke-free!

  • Poor Barfy and Pukey. 

     

  • LOL. Thanks girls.

    Turns out, it was a flight from hell. I even had 3 seats across to myself to lay down on ( I kicked DH out into another aisle ) and was still sick as a freaking dog.

    The airport was a bit rough, too, although a nice lady pulled us out of the customs line and we went up to a special area to go through customs, which was super nice. Then our 3 bags were the very first off the conveyor belt ( score! ) and we were sure that things were looking up for us, but on the way to the trains we were on a hugely long moving sidewalk and in about the middle of it I was about to puke again and was gripping the handrail with no escape route. It didn't help that DH was panicking and shouting "over the side, honey, over the side!"

    Yuck.

    So it's now 3am here and I'm up with both jetlag and nausea. And I have to work tomorrow. Awesome. Thank god there's a 4 day weekend coming up. Yay. 

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
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