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Sex offender uncle

My mom has no family left other than her brother and his three children.  When he was in his early 20s, he went to prison for statutory rape.  My grandma was alive then, and she made sure to tell everyone that he was set up.  He was innocent.  What she didn't tell everyone was that he raped a girl before that, but the girl didn't want to go through a trial, so he was never charged.

He got out of prison in his late 20s/early 30s.  Nothing changed.  My grandma (who I adored) was a complete enabler.  He was her baby boy, and she believed that he was a good, innocent person.  She was blind to his actions.  He met his ex-wife shortly after being released, and they both lived with my grandparents and she became pregnant. 

My grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer shortly before he was released.  During her final stages of life, my uncle was stealing her pain medication.  He made her suffer while he became an addict.  I was 9 years old, and I knew that it was disgusting and wrong.  When she died, he and his wife lived with my grandpa who had been on disability for decades at that point.  He had a mental illness and received SS as well as my grandma's retirement benefits.  My uncle and his wife didn't take my grandpa to the doctor like they should have, and never bought his medication.  He had two minor heart attacks over one weekend, and they refused to take him to the hospital.  He finally had a massive heart attack, and was hospitalized for a month.  He survived thankfully.

After that incident, my mom took my grandpa (and his income) out of the home.  My uncle's wife had the nerve to say, "You are really putting us in a financial bind now."  Neither worked and they lived off my grandpa's limited income as well as government assistance.  The state was going to bring charges agains the both of them for elder abuse, but nothing ever came of it.

Shortly after this time, my uncle began to see another woman.  When she found out he was married, she broke it off.  He broke into her home one day and raped her and stole some things.  He went back to prison for about a year or so.  Great sentencing IL.

When he returned, he moved back in with his wife.  They conceived their third child.  Really smart.  A couple of years later, my uncle was in full addict mode again, and he attempted to rape his oldest daughter's little friend who was staying the night.  She was 10 years old.  The little girl was thankfully saved because she was smart enough to scream like hell and RUN!  He was sentenced to prision again for six years.  Once again, IL, you suck! 

My uncle is a manipulator and liar.  He tells people what they want to hear in order to get what he wants.  He did this to my mom his entire prison term (every prison term would be the better way to say it) by claiming he found God.  I told her he was manipulating her and that he was just setting up the bait in order to get money and have a place to live when he is released.  It worked.  I told my mom she was making a huge mistake.  Give him a week, and he will be back to normal. I told her he was dangerous.  He was going to rape a little girl.  Does she really think that he would not try to rape her or worse?  I told her that as long as he was there, my family would NOT be going to visit.  I have to protect myself and my family above all else.  I have never liked my uncle because he is a scumbag.  She was upset, but thought that she could accommodate us both when and if we come to visit.  I told her I would not be in the same room as him.  I never want to see him again.

Well, he moved in for a short time and left.  His first night home, he was on their computer looking at internet porn.  I told my mom that was a huge red flag.  The last thing a sex offender needs to do is be looking at sexual content.  He moved in with his ex-MIL.  He claimed that he was kicked out by the landlord because they don't allow sex offenders in their buildings.  My mom just found out it was because he was doing drugs again and tried to burn down the apartment.  Not just that, but he was stalking one of their neighbors  and looking through her windows.  It scared his ex-MIL to the point that she told him he had to leave.  She's absolutely terrified now.

He moved in with his 17 year old daughter and her friend.  He stole money and was kicked out once again.  He went to his ex-wife's house and threatened to kill her.  He was picked up by the police and they told him to just go somewhere else.  IL is really looking stellar, right?  He went back to my parents house.  The first night he was there, my mom woke up to the hallway flooded because he turned on the faucet and it overflowed.  He tried to enter her bedroom multiple times that night.  When she woke up, she saw whipped cream everywhere and a knife laying on the floor.  He said he was sleep walking.

My parents agreed that he had to leave TODAY!  When my dad woke up, he had poured bleach all over the place, including in their dog's water bowl.  He once again claimed that he was sleep walking.  He is a really hateful, spiteful person.  He is not sleep walking.  He is on drugs.  He is doing things to be spiteful because that is who he is.  My mom told him he had to leave.  She said she didn't owe him anything.  His response was, "And you owe your kids something?  Why not me?"  He actually compared himself to my brothers and I. (Dh and I are completely independent and have never asked for anything.  My brothers are a completely different story.  My mom enables them very much like my grandma enabled my uncle.  The only difference is that they aren't criminals. . .yet.)

My mom called me today crying because she doesn't know what to do.  She said that she feels sorry for him and is considering letting him back in.  I told her she is an idiot.  He is going to end up killing someone, and I am not convinced that he didn't intend to hurt her or my father the other night.  He had a knife and tried to enter her room on several occasions.  I told her this before he was released.  He is not on parole or anything, so he is completely unsupervised. 

He is a sociopath, period.  It is just a matter of time before he ends up back in prison, but who knows how serious the next crime will be.  My mom feels guilty, but she doesn't need to.  He had the same opportunities as her.  I told her that some people are just bad.  There is no reason other than that they are inherently bad people.  He's a sex offender.  Those type of offenders, IMO, DO NOT CHANGE!  His behavior has shown that he is not rehabilitated like he'd like everyone to believe.

She is scared to walk to her car in the morning because she's afraid he will be waiting for her, but yet she is still considering letting him back in the house.  WTF is wrong with her?  She believes he has a mental illness and that somewhat excuses his behavior.  He is all the family she has left, and she feels like her mom would have wanted her to take care of him like she did when she was alive.  That is the real issue here.  She feels like she will be letting her mom down.

How can I get it through my mom's head that she has NOTHING to feel sorry for?  If she continues to let him around her, she will lose all of her kids because we all refuse to be around him.  We all have kids and it is dangerous to be around him.  I guess this is more of a vent than anything, but I need to know what to say to her to make her understand he is dangerous and he will eventually turn his aggression towards her if she doesn't cut him off completely.  Everyone, including her pastor, has told her to never let him in her house again.  I don't know what else to say to her.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

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Re: Sex offender uncle

  • Wow!  That is really long. 
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  • Jesus.

    I think you and your dad should take her to a local police station and have her file a restraining order.

    Your dad needs to put his foot down and say that uncle isn't welcome in the house ever again. You need to tell her that you won't come to her house and she won't see her grandkids again until this is done.

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image ZestofLime:

    Jesus.

    I think you and your dad should take her to a local police station and have her file a restraining order.

    Your dad needs to put his foot down and say that uncle isn't welcome in the house ever again. You need to tell her that you won't come to her house and she won't see her grandkids again until this is done.

     

    I live 1000 miles away, so I don't think she is really considering the implications as much as she should.  One brother lives locally, but the other lives a couple hundred miles away as well.  I can say that my local brother hasn't been around much since he came back. 

    I think my dad should do the same thing.  He says that he isn't welcome and then says he is.  I think he feels just as guilty with regards to my grandma.  She did a lot for my family when she was alive, and she always took care of my uncle.  It has almost been 20 years since her death.  20 years ago, she would have wanted him to be taken care of no matter what.  I wonder what she would do if she was still alive today though.  He tried to rape a child.  Could she really forgive or deny that?  If my mom thinks he is so mentally ill, she needs to try to get him committed for a time. 

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  • Ah, I didn't realize the distance here. That obviously makes it harder for you.

    Have you talked to your dad on the phone, when your mom isn't around? That might be one way to convince him that your mom's safety is at risk. If she can't even walk to her car without feeling afraid, I would think your dad would feel a desire to protect her.

    This is not about your grandmother. Your mom is still a good daughter and still loved her mother without allowing her physically abusive drug addicted brother into her home. Therapy might help with that.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image ZestofLime:

    Jesus.

    I think you and your dad should take her to a local police station and have her file a restraining order.

    Your dad needs to put his foot down and say that uncle isn't welcome in the house ever again. You need to tell her that you won't come to her house and she won't see her grandkids again until this is done.

     

    Agreed.

    Also, where in IL, I want to make sure I don't live nearby...

    Your first priority is to you and your DH and children.  Then you can worry about your parents and brothers.  But you can't stand up for your mom, or make her stand up for herself.  She needs to do that, and your Dad needs to as well.  If she won't, I suggest that your Dad get himself safe.

    Hope everything works out for you.

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  • image alecto819:
    image ZestofLime:

    Jesus.

    I think you and your dad should take her to a local police station and have her file a restraining order.

    Your dad needs to put his foot down and say that uncle isn't welcome in the house ever again. You need to tell her that you won't come to her house and she won't see her grandkids again until this is done.

     

    Agreed.

    Also, where in IL, I want to make sure I don't live nearby...

    Your first priority is to you and your DH and children.  Then you can worry about your parents and brothers.  But you can't stand up for your mom, or make her stand up for herself.  She needs to do that, and your Dad needs to as well.  If she won't, I suggest that your Dad get himself safe.

    Hope everything works out for you.

    It's just outside of St. Louis, on the IL side.  The criminal justice system is really quite disturbing, IMO.  I thought they had a 3 strikes rule, but I guess not. 

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  • image ZestofLime:

    Ah, I didn't realize the distance here. That obviously makes it harder for you.

    Have you talked to your dad on the phone, when your mom isn't around? That might be one way to convince him that your mom's safety is at risk. If she can't even walk to her car without feeling afraid, I would think your dad would feel a desire to protect her.

    This is not about your grandmother. Your mom is still a good daughter and still loved her mother without allowing her physically abusive drug addicted brother into her home. Therapy might help with that.

    I haven't talked to my dad because he is waffling just as much as she is.  She talked to her boss, her pastor, and a friend.  They all tell her the same thing.  PROTECT YOURSELF!  Don't let him in the house at all.  If he comes over, call the police.  She just isn't strong enough to do it yet, and it might end up hurting her in the end.

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  • yes i highly recommend she get an Order of Protection against him, he is a danger to himself and others at this point.  She needs to get some therapy herself to deal with her boundary issues.
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    Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
  • Honestly in this situation, I think I would be SCREAMING at my mom on the phone to protect herself. Honestly screaming.

    I would be so worried about her situation that I would probably lose all rationality and calmness.

    Where is your brother in this? He feels the same way? What if you and bro did a conference call with mom and dad and told her that her safety is the most important thing here?

    And, is her behavior changing? Is she still stuck in the same place or is she starting to bend on this?

    I think you need all the resources and help you can get in this situation.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Pretty much ditto everything that Zest has said.

    As for his location, thankfully not close to me, or I might be forced to hunt his azz down.

    However, that does put him close to some friends of mine...who happen to fly military planes for a living...hrmmm

     

     

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  • My brothers and I all agree that my uncle is dangerous.  However, both of my brothers' opinions matter very little, IMO. My mom and I are closer, and she trusts my opinion more because I have nothing to gain from it.  She still financially supports both of my brothers at times.  I told her she needs to take a good, long look at them and at her brother.  Her brother was enabled his whole life.  My brothers are 28 and 30.  It is time to cut the cord and let them sink or swim.  She is enabling them very much the same way my grandma enabled him.

    When I last talked to her, she said he left his cell phone at the house.  That is his ticket back in.  She knows that.  She said that she was going to try to get him a place to live.  Once again, financially enabling him the same way my grandma did.  He won't work, so the entire cost will be hers.

    She says that she doesn't want him back in her house, but she has already said that she will tell him he can come over for visits and on holidays, etc.  I tried to tell her she was making a mistake, and she burst into tears and said, "He's a human being.  He still deserves compassion.  How can I make him homeless?"  I said, "He hasn't been compassionate to his victims.  Think about that little girl he tried to vicitimize.  Think of the nightmares she probably still has.  He has gone against every rule you gave him in your house.  You owe him nothing.  You need to let him go."  She just cried.  She said he was a sociopath herself. 

    Honestly, at this point, I don't know where she stands.  I am becoming very frustrated with the entire thing.  I told her while he was still in prison it would be a mistake, and she didn't listen.  I told her it was dangerous.  She agreed, which is why she put a lock on the bedroom door.  I don't know what it is going to take to make her see the right thing here.  Everyone is telling her what she should do, but she still feels guilty.  He's a master manipulator.  I see through it though.  I always have, which is why he and I have never gotten along.

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  • I would talk to your Dad and then your Mom about getting some counseling. Maybe a neutral third-party who can give professional advice on drug addicts would be helpful to see what a danger he is to her and your Dad.

    I'm sorry that your family is going through this, he sounds like a terrible person. 

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  • Please suggest counseling to your mom (al-anon, narc-anon, etc).  And then I would totally disengage from this situation.  It sounds like this is driving you crazy.  I would simply state to you parents (both of them) that until they take x set of steps (restraining order, counseling for them, new phone number, change the locks, etc) to remove your uncle COMPLETELY from their lives, you will have nothing to do with them.  And mean it.  It really seems like this is your only option here.  Do some research, find a good list of local therapists that deal with co-dependence and addictive behaviors, and their local al-anon chapters, mail it to them and walk away.  You have to stop feeding this.
  • Ugh! I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I can sympathize- my BIL is a child molester, drug addict, and generally homeless criminal and my MIL enabes him like nobodies business. While my BIL doesn't have quite the history your uncle has, he's only 23, so I believe it's coming.

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final (I said the same thing to my MIL- you should have seen the fight that ensued. She thought I was crazy for not allowing BIL in my house, because of course he would never hurt his nephew, even though he had abused his own niece...). These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

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  • image annabelle.27:

    Ugh! I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I can sympathize- my BIL is a child molester, drug addict, and generally homeless criminal and my MIL enabes him like nobodies business. While my BIL doesn't have quite the history your uncle has, he's only 23, so I believe it's coming.

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final (I said the same thing to my MIL- you should have seen the fight that ensued. She thought I was crazy for not allowing BIL in my house, because of course he would never hurt his nephew, even though he had abused his own niece...). These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

    Months ago when I told her that I would not come around and visit if he was there, she broke down.  She wrote him a letter and said that he couldn't come there because if he did, she would lose her kids and grandkids.  He wrote her back saying, "Society will never forgive me.  My family can't even do it.  Don't I deserve a second chance?"

    My mom fell for it.  I told her, "Yeah.  Maybe everyone deserves a second chance.  The thing is, his second chance was 20 years ago.  How many chances in life does he think he should get.  Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior (thanks Dr. Phil, lol).  His behavior up until now has been consistent.  He has not changed and he will not.  If he wants another chance, it is on him to prove that he has changed."

    She agreed with all of that, but still let him move in.  I just feel like I'm being the only level-headed one here.  I'm the only one in the family looking at this objectively rather than from an emotional standpoint.  I just don't get it.

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  • image annabelle.27:

    Ugh! I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I can sympathize- my BIL is a child molester, drug addict, and generally homeless criminal and my MIL enabes him like nobodies business. While my BIL doesn't have quite the history your uncle has, he's only 23, so I believe it's coming.

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final (I said the same thing to my MIL- you should have seen the fight that ensued. She thought I was crazy for not allowing BIL in my house, because of course he would never hurt his nephew, even though he had abused his own niece...). These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

    I'm with Annabelle. You and your children come first. You need to remove yourself from this situation for your sanity and your safety, and if it comes down to cutting ties with your family until they get help and a reality check, then that's what you need to do. I'm sorry. 

  • image Lissa832:
    image annabelle.27:

    Ugh! I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I can sympathize- my BIL is a child molester, drug addict, and generally homeless criminal and my MIL enabes him like nobodies business. While my BIL doesn't have quite the history your uncle has, he's only 23, so I believe it's coming.

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final (I said the same thing to my MIL- you should have seen the fight that ensued. She thought I was crazy for not allowing BIL in my house, because of course he would never hurt his nephew, even though he had abused his own niece...). These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

    Months ago when I told her that I would not come around and visit if he was there, she broke down.  She wrote him a letter and said that he couldn't come there because if he did, she would lose her kids and grandkids.  He wrote her back saying, "Society will never forgive me.  My family can't even do it.  Don't I deserve a second chance?"

    My mom fell for it.  I told her, "Yeah.  Maybe everyone deserves a second chance.  The thing is, his second chance was 20 years ago.  How many chances in life does he think he should get.  Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior (thanks Dr. Phil, lol).  His behavior up until now has been consistent.  He has not changed and he will not.  If he wants another chance, it is on him to prove that he has changed."

    She agreed with all of that, but still let him move in.  I just feel like I'm being the only level-headed one here.  I'm the only one in the family looking at this objectively rather than from an emotional standpoint.  I just don't get it.

    I completely understand. My MIL does the same. My BIL kept pawning all her stuff, beating her up, stealing her money. She'd kick him out, he'd apologize and beg to come home, and do it all over again. Each time she swore she was done allowing him to treat her like that, but he'd cry and promise that he found religion (my MIL is very religious) and she'd give in. He's in jail right now for robbery; the time before that it was because he beat up the 16 year old girl working cashier while he was robbing the store. She still forgives him. We had such an argument when I told her he wasn't allowed to meet my son, and we've barely spoken since (almost two years later). I don't get it either. At all. Hang in there.

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  • image Lissa832:
    image annabelle.27:

    Ugh! I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I can sympathize- my BIL is a child molester, drug addict, and generally homeless criminal and my MIL enabes him like nobodies business. While my BIL doesn't have quite the history your uncle has, he's only 23, so I believe it's coming.

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final (I said the same thing to my MIL- you should have seen the fight that ensued. She thought I was crazy for not allowing BIL in my house, because of course he would never hurt his nephew, even though he had abused his own niece...). These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

    Months ago when I told her that I would not come around and visit if he was there, she broke down.  She wrote him a letter and said that he couldn't come there because if he did, she would lose her kids and grandkids.  He wrote her back saying, "Society will never forgive me.  My family can't even do it.  Don't I deserve a second chance?"

    My mom fell for it.  I told her, "Yeah.  Maybe everyone deserves a second chance.  The thing is, his second chance was 20 years ago.  How many chances in life does he think he should get.  Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior (thanks Dr. Phil, lol).  His behavior up until now has been consistent.  He has not changed and he will not.  If he wants another chance, it is on him to prove that he has changed."

    She agreed with all of that, but still let him move in.  I just feel like I'm being the only level-headed one here.  I'm the only one in the family looking at this objectively rather than from an emotional standpoint.  I just don't get it.

    But she still gets to talk to you. I would imagine that since you live 1000 miles away that you weren't seeing her all that often anyway, so while the idea of you not coming to visit was terrible, the reality of that threat really wasn't quite as terrible.
  • image annabelle.27:

    In my experience? There's nothing you can do. Your mom will do what she wants and you're not going to convince her otherwise. Just clearly tell her that you and your children will have nothing to do with the offender and thats final.  These people don't see sense.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's true. Just continue to protect yourself and your children. Maybe try appealing to your dad, see if he'll put his foot down. Good luck!

    Ditto this.

    The reality is that until your mom comes to the realization that supporting her brother and that making his needs more important than her childrens' and spouse's needs is damaging the family, nothing will change.  My aunt-in-law bled my GMIL dry financially to the point where GMIL has almost nothing left and AIL still comes around with her hand out.   It is sickening.  But GMIL has enabled her forever. 

    All you can do is keep repeating the message to your mother that you think this situation is unacceptable and you will not be visiting her or your father AT ALL until she severs her relationship with this violent, abusive addict.  This includes holidays, bithdays, vacations, etc.  No physical contact what so ever.  This means that even if they offer to see you away from their home, you decline since you are then enabling them to support her brother and still have a relationship with you (thus getting exactly what she wants).

    If that has no affect, you may need to sever contact all together since your mom may think that she will eventually be able to wear you down and get you to visit even if this jackhole is still in her home.   

  • After seeing your updates, I am thinking this falls under the "you can't change an addict and you can't change an enabler" pattern.

    You are the only one thinking rationally here, as you said.

    Unforetunately, you have done all that you can do. If/when mom or dad calls to complain, you can tell them your feelings again. But, you can't change your mom's actions.

    Sorry you are dealing with this, but you might have to step back from the situation some. Obviously when your parents' safety is on the line that isn't easy to do, but they clearly don't want to do anything different.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I'd also add that if you don't want to cut your parents out completely, I would at a minimum refuse to even speak to them about your uncle. Obviously your mom is getting something out of talking to you about him, so see what happens when that outlet is taken away. The next time you talk to her, tell her that you will not entertain any conversations about your uncle. If she starts up again with "Oh but he tried to enter our room with a knife", you say "Mom, I've told you that I have no interest in talking about uncle. If you choose to let him live with you, then you need to deal with the consequences of that on your own. Now do you want to talk about something else or should we hang up now?"
  • You are emootional, too.  You're angry and frustrated and outraged. You just haven't collapsed under the guilt and manipulation.

    Your mother really needs counseling. Her behavior is quite typical.  You've even pointed out the learned behavior and patterns, over and over.  As much as uncle isn't changing, she's not changing either.  Mom's been completely consistent.  You keep hoping and expecting mom to act different, do different, follow-through differently -and she doesn't.  Why do YOU expect her to change? 

    This seems harsh, but I think you have to give up on your mom the way you want her to give up on her brother.  Your part of your mom's cycle of worry and complaining and toughness and collapse. She turns to you and cryies to you and gets a great deal of emotional release/support from you and then does an about-face and caves.  

    I think YOU should say, "Mom, its clear that you are not going to change. That is very upsetting to me to admit and come to terms with but I can no longer be an emotional crutch for you while you choose to participate in this with your brother.  Your safety is at risk.  You are putting your neighbors and their children at risk.  You are supporting a violent drug user and I see no end in sight.  You are my mother and I love you.  But I can no longer be your counselor, I am simply not qualified to give you the support you need.  I have given you the best advice in the world and you have chosen to ignore it.  You have and continue to put yourself in harms way.  From this point forward, I will assume that you will continue to enable your brother, give him money, shelter and whatever else he asks.  I no longer want to hear about it.  I will no longer listen to it.  You are an adult and can make your own decisions, even if those decisions are dangerous.  I am an adult too, and I can choose NOT to be a part of any of it.  I will still talk about any other issue in your life, I will NOT talk about uncle and what you plan to do and are doing and ther damage he has done.  It's OVER.  I'm done.  I strongly encourage you to seek counseling and Al-Alon but I assume you will not.  I am done."

    You have to admit your mother is not going to change and act on it.  You have to.  Otherwise you are caught in the EXACT SAME cycle your mother is.  After all, you learned it from her, right? You can help a person, you can convice a person, you can love a person out of a dangerous situation, right? 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • First, That was long.  You have a lot on your mind.  You may want to consider counseling to help you work through this.

    Second, You can't get anything "through your mom's head" she is very CoDependent on him.  My guess is from a young age he has been needy and manipulative.  His parents set an example that he needed to be taken care of, and your mom is just enacting what she was taught.

     Don't be around when he is.  Have your mom to your house, but don't go to hers.  Punishing her for her involvement with him is not the answer.  Sounds like he is not only a sex offender, but a sex addict as well.  You and your mom might consider CoSA or S-Anon.  These groups will help you establish proper boundaries.  For you those boundaries are clear.  You don't want contact.  For your mom, cutting him out of her life may not be an option.  She may need smaller boundaries at first.

  • image livinitup:

    You are emootional, too.  You're angry and frustrated and outraged. You just haven't collapsed under the guilt and manipulation.

    Your mother really needs counseling. Her behavior is quite typical.  You've even pointed out the learned behavior and patterns, over and over.  As much as uncle isn't changing, she's not changing either.  Mom's been completely consistent.  You keep hoping and expecting mom to act different, do different, follow-through differently -and she doesn't.  Why do YOU expect her to change? 

    This seems harsh, but I think you have to give up on your mom the way you want her to give up on her brother.  Your part of your mom's cycle of worry and complaining and toughness and collapse. She turns to you and cryies to you and gets a great deal of emotional release/support from you and then does an about-face and caves.  

    I think YOU should say, "Mom, its clear that you are not going to change. That is very upsetting to me to admit and come to terms with but I can no longer be an emotional crutch for you while you choose to participate in this with your brother.  Your safety is at risk.  You are putting your neighbors and their children at risk.  You are supporting a violent drug user and I see no end in sight.  You are my mother and I love you.  But I can no longer be your counselor, I am simply not qualified to give you the support you need.  I have given you the best advice in the world and you have chosen to ignore it.  You have and continue to put yourself in harms way.  From this point forward, I will assume that you will continue to enable your brother, give him money, shelter and whatever else he asks.  I no longer want to hear about it.  I will no longer listen to it.  You are an adult and can make your own decisions, even if those decisions are dangerous.  I am an adult too, and I can choose NOT to be a part of any of it.  I will still talk about any other issue in your life, I will NOT talk about uncle and what you plan to do and are doing and ther damage he has done.  It's OVER.  I'm done.  I strongly encourage you to seek counseling and Al-Alon but I assume you will not.  I am done."

    You have to admit your mother is not going to change and act on it.  You have to.  Otherwise you are caught in the EXACT SAME cycle your mother is.  After all, you learned it from her, right? You can help a person, you can convice a person, you can love a person out of a dangerous situation, right? 

    This is truly excellent advice.

  • image Lissa832:
    Wow!  That is really long. 

    Ditto.

  • Is there any chance at all that your mother is less afraid of him when he's under her roof than when he's "out there" somewhere.  I know that guilt plays a part in it too, but she's dealing with a dangerous person and there's a good chance that he acts a lot angrier and a lot crazier (or a lot more sinister)  when he's ticked off, which I'm sure he is when he's turned away. 

     Maybe she's not voicing these fears, but perhaps the choices she feels she has is he's either pissed off at her and "out there" somewhere where he could take her by surprise - or - happier (or as happy as a sociopath can get) and under her roof where she knows exactly where he is.

     I don't know if there is a way you can convince your mom that she is safer without him there, maybe check in with the police for their records of domestic violence to show what the trend is or ask them what the safest course of action in this type of situation is.

     I have to respectfully disagree with the poster who said to give up on your mom.  She needs your support.  She needs you to reassure her that she  is not a horrible person for kicking out her brother and that you are concerned about her welfare.  Of course, I agree with not letting your kids(or yourself) anywhere near this guy, but don't stop letting her talk to you about the situation.

  • image ZestofLime:

    I think you and your dad should take her to a local police station and have her file a restraining order.

    Your dad needs to put his foot down and say that uncle isn't welcome in the house ever again. You need to tell her that you won't come to her house and she won't see her grandkids again until this is done.

     

     

    ^ this. 

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  • Your entire extended family needs to get a restraining order.

     

    You need to document EVERYTHING that's happened.

     

     You need to get extra locks, and extra supervision for everyone in the family even if it means hiring someone. 

     

    He needs to be put away. I don't know what else you can legally do, but he WILL kill one of you if you don't watch out. Be careful.

     

    I'll be thinking of you... I'm sorry this sociopath is in your life. 

  • So apparently, he signed himself into a mental health facility.  IMO, he didn't do it because he thinks he is mentally ill.  He did it because he can't go to a homeless shelter based on his sex offender status, and he had no other place to go. 

    My mom talked to him and told him that he IS mentally ill.  He needs to take it serious and get the help he needs.  She told him that when he is released, he can come to her house until they can get him a place to live.  She also said that he needs to try to get on disability, not for his pretend back injury, but for his mental illness.  He said he is working on it. 

    I told her that she is being stupid.  I said, "You said yesterday that you were afraid to walk to your car because you were afraid he might attack you."  She acknowledged that and said that she had my dad walk her to her car in the morning.  I said, "Then why in the hell would you tell him he could come back to your house?  What is wrong with you?"

    She said, "You're right.  I was afraid, and I know it won't change.  I just feel stuck."  I told her that he always claims that people deserve second chances.  He got his second chance about 20 years ago, and he reoffended.  Chances are over.  Even when he called her from the hospital, he complained about how everyone mistreats him. 

    I finally told her that I hope she and my father stay safe.  DH, DS and I were planning a visit in June, but will under no circumstances come to her house if he is there or has the possibility of showing up.  I have to protect my family above all else.  I told her that I am tired of hearing this BS.  If she is willing to put her safety in jeopardy, then there is nothing I can do about it.  I'm tired of hearing about the complaining, and I have enough on my plate right now.  I don't have anything else to give, so she needs to find someone else to talk to about it. 

    She was, of course, upset about it, but I won't be guilted into it.  She enables my brothers to be bums too, and I have already told her that I WILL NOT be following that example.  She won't be around forever, and I have no intentions to take care of anyone other than my own family.  I told her to figure it out.

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  • Good for you. It's hard, but there's nothing else you can do. You have to protect yourself and your child and that's what you're doing. Hopefully your mom and dad will decide to protect themselves.
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