Relationships
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Smoker/Non-Smoker

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Re: Smoker/Non-Smoker

  • image hmarch:
    Most of us have been in a relationship with someone who may have been toxic to us in one way or another. It is easy for outsiders to say "just leave", but I think that once you are committed you should work it out.

    Umm, NOPE.  You'll never find the right guy for you unless you dump all the ones that aren't just right.  Dating is not practice for marriage - dating is weeding through the crap to find the one worth working for.

    Why waste your time?  You don't win an award, or have a better marriage, for sticking with someone who has glaring red flags or who LIES to you.

  • He isnt going to stop until he is ready to stop. With an addiction the person quiting has to WANT to quit, there is no forcing them.

    This is who he is...either take it or leave it.

    YOu can be hopeful he will quit eventually, but don't count on it.

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/ohj02s.jpg[/IMG]
  • image amanda1408:

    He says that he's going to stop someday, but I don't understand why he can't start cutting back now.

    He doesn't want to.  And you can't make him.

  • image livinitup:
    He uses tabacco.  It's a fact.  You can control what happens around you but not the rest of his life.  He'll quit when he wants to quit.  Not for you, not for anything but his own conviction. You can't convince him, stop trying.  If you can't live with that, move on.  If you can, let it go. Really, it's NOT about you. 

    I agree with this.  I also wanted to add that I don't see where he is lying to you.  I see that he is making an effort not to do it around you knowing that you would not like it.  If he continues to tell you that he will stop and hasn't yet..then from experience THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.  He has to want it for himself. If you are willing to sit, wait, and accept it then go ahead, but if it really is a dealbreaker then just walk out the door. 

  • I don't understand how you didn't know.  Even if he never did it around you so can smell it on someone who smokes.
    "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
  • That's a big deal.  Tobacco use is a difficult habit to break and he may not ever be able to quit.  You need to decide if this is a deal breaker now.    Will you be able to live with it if he never quits?
  • I' a non smoker but only because I'm allergic to the stuff - then agin if I wasn't I cant see me doing it to start with.

    hubby was a smoker, he stopped the day he asked me to marry him and since then he's only broken three times to have one, both under extrem stress.  

    I've gotten him to chew the gum as much as possible over having a puff ... which has worked fair well for helping him deal with high stress.  But he still has to use mouth wash and everything after chewing the gum or I have an reaction to him when we kiss.

  • You can't force someone who smokes to stop. It doesn't work that way. I suggest you decide if it's something you can live with or not. Otherwise, you will become a nag to him and your relationship will suffer.
    image
  • image OMG Guinea Pigs!!:
    image hmarch:
    Most of us have been in a relationship with someone who may have been toxic to us in one way or another. It is easy for outsiders to say "just leave", but I think that once you are committed you should work it out.

    Umm, NOPE.  You'll never find the right guy for you unless you dump all the ones that aren't just right.  Dating is not practice for marriage - dating is weeding through the crap to find the one worth working for.

    Why waste your time?  You don't win an award, or have a better marriage, for sticking with someone who has glaring red flags or who LIES to you.

    Exactly.  What you do win is a recipe for divorce or an unhappy marriage.

    And hmarch, at this point what are they going to "work on" anyway?  He uses tobacco and isn't ready to quit.  Counseling isn't the answer here.  Until he decides on his own that he is ready, bound and determined to quit, he won't quit.  And even then - he may not successfully quit right away.  

    OP, it's okay for this to be a dealbreaker.  We all have them.  If tobacco use is yours, that's okay.  I'm kinda shocked that you got serious with a man without knowing he smoked, but whatever, the point is that you have to decide what you are going to do because the only person whose behavior you can change in this situation is yours.

    image
  • You have to decide how important this is to you. Is it a deal breaker? Is there a situation in which you'd be okay with him smoking? My SO has an occasional cigarette. He doesn't smoke regularly, he never smokes in our house, and he doesn't smoke when he's around me. He usually decides to have a cigarette in a social situation with the boys. I know he does this but I could never tell you when he does because he always showers and brushes his teeth when he gets home. Sure, I'd prefer if he didn't because of the health consequences but because it's so infrequent and he respects me enough to shower and brush his teeth I'm okay with it. If you're never going to be okay with it under any circumstances just talk to him about it. Be up front. Better to deal with it now than 5, 10, or even 20 years from now.
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