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I am Betrayed

I am a food blogger. 

And yesterday, a reader posted a link to my site here on The Nest, in the What's Cooking Thread - or whatever it's called. I'm not a Nestie. Not really. Not yet anyway. After posting the link there, I was asked to post it here, by another one of you.  My post?

It wasn't about food.

My husband of 10 years, a man I still love, adore, and strangely enough - admire - broke my heart. He had a 5 month affair, unbeknownst to me.  I found out 4 days ago, when the husband of the woman called to let me know.

So I have been writing.

It's a train wreck. It's vile. The language? Graphic.  I wrote it for me. ME. But somehow, along the way, it made some people sit up and take a look at their own life, their own relationship

And maybe it helped. Someone, somewhere.

It may get uglier along the way. I feel sure it will. I'm still pretty numb.

But if you want to read it, you may.

The password is dobler. As in Lloyd Dobler, from Say Anything.

Here is the link. Oldest posts are at the bottom, newest posts are at the top. I hope, if you read, it makes a difference to you.

But if it doesn't, that's okay too. Like I said, it's MY struggle. My story. My life.

http://www.doughmesstic.net/betrayal/

Re: I am Betrayed

  • I have been following.  I'm wishing you strength.
  • I read your posts.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  
  • Wow...I started reading and couldn't stop. Your writings are so powerful because your healing yourself as you type... Thats awesome. It sort of sounds as if you blame the other woman more than your DH... Which seems a bit strange. This entire ordeal is your H fault... I hope you see that and stop looking at him as if he is some type of savior and you don't deserve him.... Because he doesn't deserve you :)
  • *** clams.  That entry is awesome.  That woman is a ***.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Stay strong...
    image
    Slowly but surely.
  • So sorry you are going though this. 

    I can only imagine how mad, sad and scared you are.  I hope you are as mad at him as you seem to be at her.  Yes, she is at fault, but he is the one who made the commitment to you.  You seem angrier at her than him.  Maybe I am just reading it wrong.  I am not slamming you, just questioning.  Again, I really am sorry that you and your son are going through this.

    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone
    "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
  • I am so sorry for what you're going through. But please know and understand that this is NOT your fault (I know, alot easier said then done). I hope you can get to a place where you truly understand that.

    You are an amazingly strong woman and will get through this.

    GL

    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/29az2ps.jpg[/IMG]
  • I just started reading. I'm so, so sorry you are dealing with this.

    FWIW, I also think you are a very good writer.

    (( hugs ))

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I've been reading for the past couple of days myself. I'm so sorry you're going through this, hang in there. You're a strong woman and your writing is extremely powerful.

    Sidenote: I'm happy I found your blog, I'm making your Sea Salt Caramel Brownies tonight!

    image image image
  • Why do you still contact the other woman at all?  And I agree with a PP that said you seem to be angrier at her than him.. or even at yourself.  You say you know it's his fault and his fault alone, but you don't seem to get that.  You say your husband's perfect and a wonderful man and father, but honestly, I am married to a wonderful man too - and he has never and would never cheat on me.  Your definition of "wonderful man" seems to be off.  You deserve better for your son and for yourself.  Nothing YOU did could have prevented this... but you seem to think so.
  • I'm very, very sorry for your situation, but you know what?  That man isn't done.  He gave her up because he got caught, not because he wanted to.  He'll do it again, and when he does, I hope it's not to you again.  

    But, there is an offer for steel toed boots and ball kicking from my side.

  • image AmoroAgain:

    I'm very, very sorry for your situation, but you know what?  That man isn't done.  He gave her up because he got caught, not because he wanted to.  He'll do it again, and when he does, I hope it's not to you again.  

    But, there is an offer for steel toed boots and ball kicking from my side.

    This EXACTLY! 

    OP-

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.  You said in your blog that your H wants to work on the marriage and has been completely honest with you.  He felt horrible for what he has done, etc.  In reality, you found out through his mistress's H that he was cheating.  YOUR H didn't come clean until after he was caught.  He wasn't done with her.  He is only "done" with her now because it is out in the open.  He didn't break off the relationship.  YOU made him do it in front of you.  You think that is a relationship that is over?  Not likely! 

    Maybe he will recommit to your marriage.  However, you are placing so much blame on this other woman when your H is the only one who was committed to you.  The other woman is a complete piece of trash, but your H chose to have a relationship with her.  He is the one that you should despise right now, not her.  As I read your entries, I felt like you were angry with him, but that you thought that he really wanted your marriage to work.  Tread lightly my friend.  He never would have ended this relationship (if it is really ended) had HER husband not told you.  Forced endings usually aren't real ending.

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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    Stop focusing on the woman.  SHE is not the one who made vows to you.
    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • I agree with the pp who said he stopped just because he got caught.

    You know why?  Because he's a cheater.  And if it wasn't this woman, it would be another, or another.  She's not a seductress that tricked him into f*cking her, HE'S a douche who doesn't respect or care about you, and this lady just happened to be around.  And that's what you need to focus on.

    She has nothing to do with your marriage.

  • First, I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.  I'll be following as you write.

    Second, I know it's easy to give in to the temptation to blame the other woman.  After all, she seems to be the intruder.  If not for her presence in your DH's/your life, you wouldn't be in this mess.  It's easier to hate her than to deal with the broken trust and shattered image you have of your husband.  I get that.

    However, she's not the one who made vows to you.  Your DH invited her into his bed. He's not innocent in this.  Not only did he make those vows, he broke them.  Repeatedly.  Not just by sleeping with this woman, but by lying to you about it.  He also broke any relationship you might have with her by their cheating and lying.  

    I`m not saying you necessarily have to leave, because frankly, that's not my decision.  What I would or would not do is completely immaterial here.  It's not my marriage. However, it's going to be next to impossible to move on as a complete person, with or without him, without putting this in proper perspective.   Get mad at the man.  It's healthy at this point, and will help you heal, however you decide to move on.  You need to fully realize how big of a breach of trust this was before you can make the best decision on how to deal with said breach.

    Good luck, regardless, and I'm sorry you're going through this. 

  • I left a comment on OP's blog akin (but more in depth and very nice) to what I wrote here.

     She deleted it.  Helllloooooo denial!!

  • image AmoroAgain:

    I left a comment on OP's blog akin (but more in depth and very nice) to what I wrote here.

     She deleted it.  Helllloooooo denial!!

    I'm not surprised. I gather the FB friends she "unfriended" probably said something along the same lines. I have to agree that her anger is misguided; even with her husband's girlfriend's husband. I also think "wonderful Jon" is a douchebag and a half. She needs to keep in mind that her husband only apologized and wanted to work on their marriage because he was caught. For goodness' sake...he accepted that woman's granfather's ring. Sounds like a serious relationship to me. And I honestly don't see how anyone could forgive and decide to work things out with someone who so blatantly disrespected the relationship.
  • image AmoroAgain:

    I left a comment on OP's blog akin (but more in depth and very nice) to what I wrote here.

     She deleted it.  Helllloooooo denial!!

    Yeah, she's very much in denial.  It's well-written denial, but denial nonetheless.  And being that she's less than a week from finding out, with no prior suspicions, she gets to put her head in the sand.  For now.  I think it's a pretty normal reaction.  I know it was in my case.  People seem to go one of two ways in these situations: zero tolerance get-the-hell-out anger or shock-and-denial and grab on for dear life.  I was a grabber.  And it lasted for a little while as I tried to wrap my brain around what was going on.  But eventually I let go and moved on.  I would say it took me 3 months (with therapy).  Anger and grief made appearances in there right on cue of course.  She'll get there too. 

    For the record, I was completely on the hopeful we'll-work-it-out path at the beginning.  My divorce will be final in June.  And yes, I'm the one who filed.

    My heart goes out to her.  No one should have to go through this. Sometimes people suck.    

    This is my siggy.
  • image Hamburglar:
    image AmoroAgain:

    I left a comment on OP's blog akin (but more in depth and very nice) to what I wrote here.

     She deleted it.  Helllloooooo denial!!

    I'm not surprised. I gather the FB friends she "unfriended" probably said something along the same lines. I have to agree that her anger is misguided; even with her husband's girlfriend's husband. I also think "wonderful Jon" is a douchebag and a half. She needs to keep in mind that her husband only apologized and wanted to work on their marriage because he was caught. For goodness' sake...he accepted that woman's granfather's ring. Sounds like a serious relationship to me. And I honestly don't see how anyone could forgive and decide to work things out with someone who so blatantly disrespected the relationship.

    Exactly!  She said in her blog that the woman was in it for the long haul.  Well, so was Jon.  He accepted the ring.  He decided not to call his g/f all day on their anniversary/birthday as a gift to his wife, but he responded to all the the g/f's texts at 12:01 a.m.  I wonder what HE gave HER.  She gave him the ring.  She can't say that she is really naive to say that he didn't give her anything.  She has also said in her blog, "He doesn't love you."  That's what he told his wife. 

    I'd place money that this isn't over yet.  He's not done with this woman.

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  • image Lissa832:

    Exactly!  She said in her blog that the woman was in it for the long haul.  Well, so was Jon.

    Exactly.

  • I think she is starting to see a lot more clearly now. Her latest entry "out to sea" stresses the blame on her husband. I really feel for her. Glad that she is finally seeing the light with this DB.
  • I think Bowies in Space got it right- this is all fresh and new and she's still wrapping her head around it.

    Her most recent entries are heartbreaking :( I remember when I was cheated on and how absolutely damaging it was to my self-esteem. I think she's just trying to figure out up from down at this point.

    image
    Are you serious???
  • Lurker coming out of the woodwork here...I have also been following Doughmesstic's blog, and caught that the first few posts under the Betrayal blog are from 2008.  Clams is the first one from 2010. Is this a technical glitch of some kind??
  • image AmoroAgain:

    I left a comment on OP's blog akin (but more in depth and very nice) to what I wrote here.

     She deleted it.  Helllloooooo denial!!

    It appears to me that she's going through all the classic grief phases--of which denial is one.  It's a process, and she has to go through it.  Whether or not you approve of the manner in which she goes through it is neither helpful nor relevant.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
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