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Joint Checking Account Problems

124

Re: Joint Checking Account Problems

  • Lecture him, make him sell everything and take away his debit/credit card, bank card and check book.

    Before we were married and before we had joint accounts we lived together and had a rule that if anything over $100 was purchased the other person had to approve.  He went out and bought a new mountain bike without telling me, because he knew that I would say no.  I walked into our garage one day & saw it - he tried to cover it up then admitted to purchasing it and not telling me.  I made him sell it.  He never bought anything without asking me first again.  It was way more difficult for him to have to sell it after having it then if he never would have had his hands on it in the first place.

  • I'm going to repeat a lot of what pp have said:

    - If you make a threat you have to mean it.

    - Have you talked to him calmly about his plans, goals, the finances etc etc?

    - If he doesn't clean the house when you get back, then what?

    - If he does clean the house, then what, will all be forgiven and fixed?

    - He is mooching off you and you are letting him. No matter what "hard blows" he's had to deal with he's being a child and you are making excuses and taking his crap so what should be his motivation to change?If someone paid all my bills to stay home all day and play then why would I bother getting off my ass? (beyond the fact that I have motivation for myself just for the sake of doing something with my life)

    - He obviously has no sense of solving problems for himself. Scholarship ran out, so rather than get a job, loan, further grant etc etc etc he just jumped to the next "parent" who would make things work around hima nd you reinforce thie with your, "I handed him to the navy" attitude.

    - So at this point you are married to a lazy, unmotivated, selfish, little boy who throws tantrums when he gets told he needs to be a grown-up and who needs someone to hold him by the hand and run his life. Really, what are you getting from this "marriage"?

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • So at this point you are married to a lazy, unmotivated, selfish, little boy who throws tantrums when he gets told he needs to be a grown-up and who needs someone to hold him by the hand and run his life. Really, what are you getting from this "marriage"?

    Indeed -- and what does he expect next? for you to wipe his bum, too?

    Counseling: FOR YOURSELF. You need to find out why you permit somebody to pretty much use you as a doormat because that's exactly what your H is doing.

  • image sunkiss177:

    and he sent her flowers that matched the ones she walked down the aisle with

     

    Well, he might have filled out the card, but she paid for her own flowers.  Since they can't buy food b/c of his spendy ways, I hope they were delicious.

    This is my siggy.
  • image MaryWithoutSound:
    image TarponMonoxide:
    image MaryWithoutSound:
    image lauralf:
    image TarponMonoxide:

    And my bigger question:

    Why didn't it work out with the Navy? What exactly happened that he came home after 2 months?

    That should be a pretty good indicator to what else may be his problem.

    The answer he gave me, was that he dislocated his shoulder and tore his rotator cuff during basic trraining and they gave him the option of staying there for 6 months to let it heal or get an honorable discharge. He took the honorable discharge and came home.

    Thank goodness the US Navy footed the bill for the surgery and rehabilitation to repair this.  I'm amazed at the recovery he's made in only 4 months.  My understanding was the shoulder surgery was a pretty difficult recovery.....

    Something about this story doesn't add up 

    YOu can get a discharge because of a rotator cuff? I've never heard of that.

    (Sometimes you don't even need surgery -- some can recover with physical therapy -- I did and so have others.) 

    I get that shoulders can be rehabbed and not require surgery.  But if that was the case with him, would the Navy really have let him out?  And it's only been 4 months (unless I read it wrong) and it doesn't sound like he's doing anything....let alone physical therapy. I guess my point is just that something seems fishy to me well before the bank account got drained.

    Sounds a lot like my SBIL.  He got an honorable discharge from the Navy during basic training because of a "knee" injury.  They couldn't find anything wrong with him.  He's a lazy fuuck and just wants to mooch off of the system.  I assume the Navy releases these people because what are they going to do with them?  They can't depend on them.  Would you want someone like this next to you in combat?  I would not.    

  • I'm patiently waiting for the DD on this post.  It's coming - I can feel it in my bones.

    This is my siggy.
  • You have a great many more problems than a boychild "H" who is a little loose with the purse strings.

    You need to decide whether or not you wish to be married to somebody so lackadaisical and unmotivated and lazy...and you need to grow up and woman up and start solving problems on your own. Why in tarnation did you involve your supervisor in this??? (I'm suire you came accross as somebody very mature and somebody who has quite a head on her shoulders!)

    You have a tiny bit of a problem telling tales out of school. You do NOT discuss this problem with anybody but your husband. You don't tell anybody else.

     

     

  • You could be married to my exh. If you are get a divorce but if you're not tell him to get an effing job by the end of next month or his ass is out on the grass.
    image
    Time to put on your big girl panties

    I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
    image
  • I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?

    There are many, MANY unanswered questions in this post.

  • He is mooching off you and you are letting him. No matter what "hard blows" he's had to deal with he's being a child and you are making excuses and taking his crap so what should be his motivation to change?If someone paid all my bills to stay home all day and play then why would I bother getting off my ass? (beyond the fact that I have motivation for myself just for the sake of doing something with my life)

    Srsly? He's going to pass the buck and place the blame on his past problems??? Give me a break.

     

     

  • Are you sure he even went in the Navy? That whole story reeks of BS...
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?

    She said he does not try--he says he has a job, which is working for his uncle, but not getting paid.

  • image sunkiss177:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?

    She said he does not try--he says he has a job, which is working for his uncle, but not getting paid.

    Is this a bona fide true fact?

    Or is Hubby perhaps lying to the wifey and pocketing the cash for himself?

    If this guy is working for free, not only is his uncle violating a labor law AND doing his nephew a disservice, her H also has no pride whatsoever. I'd be effed if I worked for free for anybody and that includes working for gratis for an uncle.

  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image sunkiss177:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?

    She said he does not try--he says he has a job, which is working for his uncle, but not getting paid.

    Is this a bona fide true fact?

    Or is Hubby perhaps lying to the wifey and pocketing the cash for himself?

    If this guy is working for free, not only is his uncle violating a labor law AND doing his nephew a disservice, her H also has no pride whatsoever. I'd be effed if I worked for free for anybody and that includes working for gratis for an uncle.

    He is supposed to be getting paid--I guess he tells her her uncle will pay him but she never sees any money come in.  Maybe he spends it on video games and flowers. 

  • image sunkiss177:
    image TarponMonoxide:
    image sunkiss177:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    I'd still like to know if this lazy little worm even has so much as bothered looking for a job. I don't think we ever got an answer on that one, did we?

    She said he does not try--he says he has a job, which is working for his uncle, but not getting paid.

    Is this a bona fide true fact?

    Or is Hubby perhaps lying to the wifey and pocketing the cash for himself?

    If this guy is working for free, not only is his uncle violating a labor law AND doing his nephew a disservice, her H also has no pride whatsoever. I'd be effed if I worked for free for anybody and that includes working for gratis for an uncle.

    He is supposed to be getting paid--I guess he tells her her uncle will pay him but she never sees any money come in.  Maybe he spends it on video games and flowers. 

    The situation is hopeless. Only she can help herself. 

     Show him the door, slam it behind him and don't look back.

  • image MaryWithoutSound:
    image lauralf:
    image TarponMonoxide:

    And my bigger question:

    Why didn't it work out with the Navy? What exactly happened that he came home after 2 months?

    That should be a pretty good indicator to what else may be his problem.

    The answer he gave me, was that he dislocated his shoulder and tore his rotator cuff during basic trraining and they gave him the option of staying there for 6 months to let it heal or get an honorable discharge. He took the honorable discharge and came home.

    Thank goodness the US Navy footed the bill for the surgery and rehabilitation to repair this.  I'm amazed at the recovery he's made in only 4 months.  My understanding was the shoulder surgery was a pretty difficult recovery.....

    Something about this story doesn't add up 

    No sugar coating here...

    You need your own account, you need some counseling, some friends - get back to your old life, just because you're married - don't give it all up for him, he is obviously not doing that for you. You should really take a step back and think about it all. That's why I suggest counseling. My Dh's friend from the Navy got kicked out of the Navy (a story all in it's own self) but he was really depressed and what not, maybe yours is having some of that, also? Talk to him. Heart to heart... suggest counseling for both of you together and seperately.

    He needs to get a job and support the household, just as you do. If he can't seem to do that, then no spending money, period! I would write every bill out and the amounts that you incur monthly... write up a budget. split it in half. do this all in front of him. hand him the paper and show him how much you pay and tell him he needs to contribute half of it. If he gripes about it, and doesn't do something about it... that should say something. You could even go drastic - cut out cable, cut out internet, sell the gaming systems so you can pay bills... in the end you might suffer. You could do that, but more than likely he still wouldn't get it. Sometimes after you allow behavior for so long, it will take a longggg time to hash it out.

    I don't buy the Navy story for a second. If they footed the bill for surgery and repair, I highly doubt they'd let him leave so easily - honorable discharge? I'm going to guess that its under honorable - which probably makes it harder to get a job... If you just get a shrugged off answer on that, I think you should do some investigating and again with the counseling and talk with him. Things don't add up.

    The friends wedding - if it's going to put you in any kind of bad position - don't go. If you really want to be there, then yeah go... but don't do it out of feelings of obligation.

    I'm not going to tell you to leave him based on that, but seriously take a step back and re-evaluate. If he doesn't agree to counseling, please go for yourself alone! I feel for you, I really do. My H and I had some problems in our first year of marriage - it is hard to adjust to lifestyles together, even if you dated for awhile beforehand... Don't make excuses for him. Please don't let someone that isn't going to look out for you run your life to the ground, you deserve more than that. 

     

    image
  • image lauralf:
    While, I do pay the rent I am seriously considering going to Spa Mom tonight and informing him that the apartment better be spotless when I get home from work tomorrow.
    Uh huh.... and what happens if he doesn't?  What are you going to do?  Just get mad at him, then go and clean it?

    Again, back to your threat of leaving- the fact that you didn't has taught him that he can do whatever he wants (which means nothing) and there will be absolutely no consequence for it. 

    I too am HIGHLY suspicious of his story about the Navy.  HIGHLY suspiscious.  Have you seen any proof?  Any documents stating he was honorably discharged?  Or are you just taking his word on it.

    Really..... you can chalk this up to a start marraige.  the fact that you are now basically hiding from your own life is not the solution.  it's not going to make things better.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image EastCoastBride:

    image lauralf:
    While, I do pay the rent I am seriously considering going to Spa Mom tonight and informing him that the apartment better be spotless when I get home from work tomorrow.
    Uh huh.... and what happens if he doesn't?  What are you going to do?  Just get mad at him, then go and clean it?

    Again, back to your threat of leaving- the fact that you didn't has taught him that he can do whatever he wants (which means nothing) and there will be absolutely no consequence for it. 

    I too am HIGHLY suspicious of his story about the Navy.  HIGHLY suspiscious.  Have you seen any proof?  Any documents stating he was honorably discharged?  Or are you just taking his word on it.

    Really..... you can chalk this up to a start marraige.  the fact that you are now basically hiding from your own life is not the solution.  it's not going to make things better.

    Yeah, I'm not buying the Navy story either.  I work for the Navy and there's just no way they will let a recruit go in a time of war for something like a torn rotator cuff.  Something else happened.  My guess is the money issue is but the tip of the iceberg with this guy.

    As for a PP who asked about him working for the uncle: he's not.  He's lying about that too.  He's on the couch when she leaves in the morning and he's there when she gets back in the evening.  I bet he went and hung out with his uncle one day for a couple of hours, maybe helped him clear some brush, and it translated into the lie that he's "working" for him around the house. 

    This is my siggy.
  • image kmap24:

    Look, you seem like a really nice girl who fell for the wrong guy.  It happens ALL the time and there's no shame in it.  There's also no shame in saying "I made a mistake and it's time to fix it".  In your case I think the only fix is to take a day off, find a good divorce lawyer and ask what your rights are and what a divorce will cost. 

    And it's NOTHING to be embarassed about.  HE is the one who should be embarassed, sitting on his butt playing video games while his wife works.  He doesn't even cook or clean for you?  Nothing to indicate he appreciates you supporting him while he's out of work?  No attempts to find work, or apply for jobs or do anything that helps out financially.  His only interest in finances is what he can spend.  He won't care if you're at your mom's - as long as the power stays on and he's not kicked out of the apartment that has his games. 

    You don't need him.  You can support yourself (if you can support the two of you, you can do it on your own).  And you're young enough to find a guy who will be your PARTNER.  Not your grown child. 

     

    Amen and Hallelujah to all of this!

    I know it will be hard for you. I'm going through this right now, but you need to know that you deserve better, otherwise you are signing up for a long life of unhappiness. You never answered my question about what you DO get from this relationship.

    You might want to look into annulments too (since you've been married less than a year). It might be more simple than a divorce.

  • Has anyone looked at her husband's profile?  He just screams "WINNER!"
  • Haha I feel like sucha  sneaky b*tch but really? You married this?

    "Cole became a fan of No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back... ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of I was sleeping. No, I'm not mad at you, upset, dead, or ignoring you. ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of I DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK. ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of If You Don't Like Me, Go F*ck Yourself :). ? Become a Fan

     
    "No, they can't come over, this house is a mess!" "Mom, They Dont Care..."
     
    I mean...wow...never a second thought saying "I do"?  You really have replaced his Mom in his eyes. ew.
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Who else is getting the idea her H is a pathological liar? The rotator cuff thing, the Uncle who doesn't/can't/won't pay him -- and who knows what else he's told stories about.
  • I'm getting the impression that you don't actually intend to divorce him but want to see what you can do to work it out. It may seem optimistic to assume that this is just a season of your life but, maybe he could change for the better.

    First, stop making empty threats to leave him. It's like fighting with a child. If he's acting like a child you need to train him to take responsibility since you don't seem inclined to end the marriage just yet. You got married young and he is immature so you will need to train him to be an adult if you want to stay married.

    Second, restrict his cash flow by taking him off your accounts. (Make sure you freeze your credit so that he can't get a secret card in your name.) Then divide the bills according to who spends what. Make a list of everything that he owes for the month on average ending with a concrete number. This number (probably half of your monthly cost of living) is his responsibility. Explain to him that this is how much he must make per month and you will not help him with it.

    Third, stick to your word. If he refuses to pay his part then, sell his belongings like the video games, movies, and toys. Make it clear that these are the terms for living in your house married to you. If he won't get a job... he doesn't get a car, he doesn't get grocieries and he doesn't get to see you. Cut off the internet at home, cancel your cable and disconnect his cell phone from your plan. Either he will leave you or change. Regardless, you have set boundaries for your marriage.

    Yes, all this will inconvenience you but you aren't happy with your current situation anyways. You're acting like the mom at the grociery store that gives the screaming child anything they want to avoid a conflict. Stop avoiding the real conflict and make him choose laziness or you.

     

  • image lauralf:
    As I mentioned earlier, I am the child of a banker. My mom has an amazing house just a few min away from our tiny one bedroom apartment. Our apartment is filthy because I have been really busy with work and H obviously feels no need to contribute to the household chores. While, I do pay the rent I am seriously considering going to Spa Mom tonight and informing him that the apartment better be spotless when I get home from work tomorrow.

    Now you're the wife of a bank (acct.) robber. This couldn't be me, I wouldn't put up with crap.

  • image Mycrimsonheart:

    Haha I feel like sucha  sneaky b*tch but really? You married this?

    "Cole became a fan of No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back... ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of I was sleeping. No, I'm not mad at you, upset, dead, or ignoring you. ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of I DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK. ? Become a Fan"

    "Cole became a fan of If You Don't Like Me, Go F*ck Yourself :). ? Become a Fan

     
    "No, they can't come over, this house is a mess!" "Mom, They Dont Care..."
     
    I mean...wow...never a second thought saying "I do"?  You really have replaced his Mom in his eyes. ew.

    Surprise

    image

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  • image CottonPanties:

    image lauralf:
    As I mentioned earlier, I am the child of a banker. My mom has an amazing house just a few min away from our tiny one bedroom apartment. Our apartment is filthy because I have been really busy with work and H obviously feels no need to contribute to the household chores. While, I do pay the rent I am seriously considering going to Spa Mom tonight and informing him that the apartment better be spotless when I get home from work tomorrow.

    Now you're the wife of a bank (acct.) robber. This couldn't be me, I wouldn't put up with crap.

    For the child of a banker, you know D!CK about how money should be saved and spent. Huh? You're letting this little worm spend you out of house and home?

    And he sits on his arse and won't even bother with housework. You got yourself quite a prize there, missy. A real home run, we might say.

  • What you need to do -- since nothing is going to change:

    Give this jerk the boot. He's a liar (probably a pathological one), he's lazy, immature, unmotivated and had zero character: he is living off you and thinks nothing of it.

    In no way do I buy that "the uncle doesn't pay him" nor do I buy the story about the rotator cuff. The armed forces are pretty strapped for help; no way would they discharge a recruit over a rotator cuff tear.

    What you are seeing is a preview of your lives together. If you're not liking what you're seeing, make sure it's adios for good. And tell us again what wonderful characteristics made you sooo sure he was the one for you.

     

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    What you need to do -- since nothing is going to change:

    Give this jerk the boot. He's a liar (probably a pathological one), he's lazy, immature, unmotivated and had zero character: he is living off you and thinks nothing of it.

    In no way do I buy that "the uncle doesn't pay him" nor do I buy the story about the rotator cuff. The armed forces are pretty strapped for help; no way would they discharge a recruit over a rotator cuff tear.

    What you are seeing is a preview of your lives together. If you're not liking what you're seeing, make sure it's adios for good. And tell us again what wonderful characteristics made you sooo sure he was the one for you.

     

     

    I don't know if you read my previous post, but yes they will.  I don't disagree with anything else you said.

  • My first reaction would be to cut this guy loose, but then my morals kick in and I say, hey I took this guy for better or worse, sickness and health, rich or poor...so that being said, no one would blame you if you left him - you got married very young in this day in age.  BUT if you want to work it out, here's my thoughts...

     I was also the sole provider while my husband was in grad school so I know how it feels. This guy sounds

    1. extremely lazy (not looking for a job and considering working for his uncle that he hasnt gotten paid for a job??)

    2.  selfish (letting you do all the work)

    3.  immature (no clue about money, bills, surviving on your own, communication with his wife, etc)

    and 4. Depressed. Sounds like he is in a rut.

     Maybe he wasn't ready for marriage & responsibility. who knows.  But you need to freak out on him.  Let him have it for his faults and then leave for the night to your moms. get out for a little while.  I hate to say it and I know there are 2 sides to every story, but the picture you've painted puts a big L - LOSER on his forehead.  How do your own parents and his parents feel about his actions???

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