Family Matters
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Joint Checking Account Problems

245

Re: Joint Checking Account Problems

  • You really need to stop letting him take advantage of you.

    My FI has been out of work before, so I can understand the stress of being a sole provider.  The difference between my situation and yours is that FI did not revert back to childhood because he didn't have to go into work.

    Tell you H that right now his job is to find a job, and lock up the video games.  If he can't man up, then you'll need to face the fact that you either need to deal with having a child for a husband or get the F out of this one sided relationship.

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  • image lauralf:
    Yes, I talk to my boss. I work for a small law firm. Everyone in the office is friends. We all go out to lunch together. All know what's going on in everyones lives. Its a blessing and a curse. So I don't feel like asking my boss for advice is wrong.

     *off topic*  I used to be in the same position, myself -- small law firm, close knit, talked to each other about everything.  I didn't see the problem with it, until my boss told me I had been talking to her like she was my mom.  I didn't even realize I'd been doing it until she pointed it out.  Be careful in a situation like that.  *butting back out*

  • New update. He just texted saying his dad just wrote him a $200 check for his bday(monday) and my boss is letting me turn in my milage form early this month and is cutting me a check as we speak. That will be good for $269.
  • image lauralf:
    We are a young married couple. We got married right out of college. He quit his part-time job at McDonalds and joined the Navy but got hurt during basic training. So he really has never had a paying job with the responsibilty of paying bills. Yes he knows how much our bills are and when they need to be paid. He just doesnt seem to make the connection that we are barely scraping by on one income and that he cant buy video games if we barely have enough money for food. And no he isnt looking for a job. He does work for his uncle around his house and has been telling me for a month that his uncle was going to pay him. But I have yet to see a dime. Every time I say he needs to get a job he gets angry and says he does have a job(meaning working at his uncles house). He has recently begun telling me that he would go to his uncle's house to work at such and such time(always after I leave for work) and then I come home 9 hours later to find him still sitting on the couch playing the PS3. When I ask what he did all day he merely points to the gamesystem and says "just this". I have even gone so far as to find job openings and tell him about them but he has yet to apply for a single job. He has been home for 4 months.

    Yea....I married a guy like this too. Guess what? We are seperated and soon he will be my EX!!!!!

    The whole "uncle's house" thing is a HUGE red flag.

    Let me ask you this? What DO YOU GET FROM THIS GUY? He is not contributing fiscally...what about emotionally, spiritually, or physically?

    He  needs to grow up ASAP (and you need to communicate this). If he doesn't by a set time, move on with your life. TRUST me when I tell you that you will feel 100 times better when you do. It will be sad, but you won't have to play mother anymore.

  • image lauralf:
    New update. He just texted saying his dad just wrote him a $200 check for his bday(monday) and my boss is letting me turn in my milage form early this month and is cutting me a check as we speak. That will be good for $269.

    Hurray! All of your problems are solved!

    FYI -- from here on out, your DH not carrying his half of the financial load in your house is your fault, not his. I can't believe you just roll over and support him, no questions asked. Just how desperate are you to have a man by your side that you'll put up with this BS?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    So you threatened to leave...

    and made it an idle threat WHY?

    I mean, I assume it went "if you don't do X, I'm gone".

    what was X?  has he done it?

    If he hasn't, why the fluck are you still there?

  • image lauralf:
    New update. He just texted saying his dad just wrote him a $200 check for his bday(monday) and my boss is letting me turn in my milage form early this month and is cutting me a check as we speak. That will be good for $269.

    So this means, what? That you're no longer mad? Do you really think he's going to put the money from his dad toward bills?

  • Serious Question, Why did you marry you H?  I mean besides the obvious "I love him" because that's not enough to marry someone.  Did you have expectations for each other kinda set out? Dreams? Future plans?  And looking at things now, is he holding up his end of the bargain?  Maybe it's time to give him an ultimatum? You're still very young can you honestly see yourself with this guy 5-10 years from now and being happy?

    He sounds like he's completely using you, it already doesn't sound like a marriage at all, it sounds like a mother child relationship, and he, he doesn't even sound like a good kid.

  • It seems like the thing with his uncle isn't working out.  Tell him he needs to go back to Mcd's. 

    I doubt he will though.  I honestly don't think the uncle knows that your DH is "working" for him. 

  • image lauralf:
    New update. He just texted saying his dad just wrote him a $200 check for his bday(monday) and my boss is letting me turn in my milage form early this month and is cutting me a check as we speak. That will be good for $269.

    Well, there--all your problems are solved.

     Except for the being married to lazy child, that is. Why, oh why didn't I find a sucker like you to marry? I'd love to spend my days playing video games instead of working...

  • Leave him until he gets a job.  ANY paying job.  I don't care if it's custodial work, car sales, Mcdonalds, Walmart, or a maid at a hotel.  I know we're in a bad economy, but there are still jobs.  If he's not putting out at least five applications a day, he's not trying.

  • He obviously doesn't respect you whatsoever. He just went on a shopping spree? Without you knowing?

    Does he still play the video games when you get home? Did you notice that anything was new enough to not say anything? 

    Short term: You need to pay the bills. Post an ad for the games and accessories on craigslist. I would even post the game system. Sell it as soon as you can. He's going to throw a tantrum... but he can either leave, or get a job and save up to get a new game system. Maybe then he'll respect what it means to actually work at a job and earn a living, as well as what it means to save up for something like most adults do.

    Long term: If he doesn't leave, seek some serious counseling or leave. Selling his game system/games isn't going to change his behavior, but you need to pay the bills now. After this, it's just as much your fault if he continues these habits as it is his. You can't put up with this anymore. 

  • I think you need to cancel your one-year anniversary trip. You can't afford it.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Honestly, I fell for the hot guy on the college baseball team. He made me laugh, loved the same things I loved and was very motvated. This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later. The guy who came home 2 months later obviously is not the same man. I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.
  • image lauralf:
    Honestly, I fell for the hot guy on the college baseball team. He made me laugh, loved the same things I loved and was very motvated. This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later. The guy who came home 2 months later obviously is not the same man. I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.

    Did he graduate?  Did he get a degree?  What was his major in ?

  • image lauralf:
    My husband and I have been married for less than a year. I am currently the only one with the job. We have a joint checking account. I have online banking and I only check it once ever week or so. I am the primary one making purchases so I know what we are spending. I WAS WRONG. He has drained our account on video games and eating out while I am gone to work. We now do not have enough money to pay our bills. I am thinking about taking his name off the account until he gets a job and is contributing to the account. Am I wrong for doing this? Please I need advice.

    I haven't read all the replies, but here is my advice/take on it:

    1-Didn't you and your H discuss anything at all before you were married -- as in how your money will be saved and spent after you were wed? Willing to bet the subject wasn't touched. Am I right?

    2-Thinking of taking his name off the account blah blah? Wow....are you his mommy or his wife?

    3-Willing to bet that this money's NOT being spent on eating out and video games -- this guy's got a nice little spending addiction going on.

     I strongly suggest you do the following

    1-Safeguard your assets, NOW. Make sure he hasn't got any access to any of your money. This means putting it into an account he knows nothing of and having his name removed from any credit cards you have.

    There's a great deal more to the picture here and I strongly urge you to find out what is happening.

    If you have warned him to get his sh!t together and nothing has happened, show this jerk the door, padlock it behind you and file for divorce. He's living off you and having a good time. Is this the kind of life you want? I don't think so.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    Who wants to wager that she comes home tonight and a new gaming system or $200 worth of games magically appear?
    image
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  • image lauralf:
    This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later.

    So first you and then the Navy are responsible for who your H is? He was yours to hand off to another responsible entity? It's all so clear now......... You have the expectation that your H is a helpless child, and lo and behold, that is what you have gotten.

  • image imoan:
    Who wants to wager that she comes home tonight and a new gaming system or $200 worth of games magically appear?

    you read my mind.

  • image lauralf:
    Honestly, I fell for the hot guy on the college baseball team. He made me laugh, loved the same things I loved and was very motvated. This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later. The guy who came home 2 months later obviously is not the same man. I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.

    If that's the way you feel, why would you keep at it?  Go to counseling, see if he's willing to work at it, and if not, it will probably be better for you to move on.  Don't throw away your life and independance for a lackluster marriage.

    First Blog! Critique Welcome!
    image Buying A Home
  • image lauralf:
    I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.

    Start going again. Seriously. You could use some friends around you.

    I'm hoping he put that 200 in your hands to pay the bills and didn't decide it was his play money?

    If he won't get a job that he is physically capable of doing then he needs to just go stay with his uncle until he figures out how to be more responsible and mature. Doc needs to evaluate him for depression issues and whatever else may need to be checked concerning this injury that took him out of the Navy. 

  • image lauralf:
    Honestly, I fell for the hot guy on the college baseball team. He made me laugh, loved the same things I loved and was very motvated. This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later. The guy who came home 2 months later obviously is not the same man. I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.

    If he wasn't this irresponsible before hand that's a bit different, but now that you know, don't be embarrassed just buck up and try to fix your own life, for your own sanity.  You know what the problems are, and it's really up to him to make must of the changes.  Either way I'd probably move out if I was you (or since it's probably your place ask him to leave until he starts working on his issues)  I'd either ask that he goes to counseling with you and by himself and I'd want to see the effort if you ever plan on moving back in together and having an actual marriage.

    I say to move out mainly because it's a CLEAR sign to him that you're serious, changing your bank account was great, but I'd probably go further if he doesn't start applying to places and contributing to the relationship asap.  and I'd give him a time limit to see some changes after you do move out(if you want to work things out that is) if the changes aren't made then I'd file for divorce.

    You might have made some not so hot decisions in all of it but for the most part, you H is ridiculous and needs to grow up.  Marriage is a contract and he's doing absolutely nothing to keep up his end of all those promises you made.

  • image lauralf:
    New update. He just texted saying his dad just wrote him a $200 check for his bday(monday) and my boss is letting me turn in my milage form early this month and is cutting me a check as we speak. That will be good for $269.

    he text you? hope you have free texting!

    so his dad gave him $ for his birthday? he's not 10..why is his dad giving him money for a bday present. he's an adult---right. Confused

  • image lauralf:
    Honestly, I fell for the hot guy on the college baseball team. He made me laugh, loved the same things I loved and was very motvated. This was the guy I married and the guy I put in the Navy's hands a month later. The guy who came home 2 months later obviously is not the same man. I am so embarrassed by my marriage that I have stopped hanging out with my old friends. I used to sing in the church choir 2 out of 3 services and never missed a rehearsal. I havent been to choir in 4 months and havent been to church in 3.

     I would maybe try counseling if he is even up to it, otherwise, it seems this guy won't change and you rushed into a marrieage becuase he was "the hot guy on the baseball team." Baseball is over, this is real life. In the meantime, let him have his own account and protect yourself.

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  • I am trying to figure out how come the OP saw this problem NOW.

    Here is another good question:

    What were this guy's spending habits like when you were dating? What were they like when you were engaged? And how come he's out of a job -- what exactly happened there? Did he get laid off, did he quit, was he fired -- what's the story?

    And has he even attempted to try and find a job since he's been out of work? if he hasn't, you've got another problem on your hands...and a BIG ONE.

    Willing to bet he hasn't been looking; why should he? life is good and hey, he's got a wife who is footing all his bills!

     

  • You're embarrassed by your marriage and your husband? I think you need those friends and your church now more than ever, you need a support system outside of work to help you figure this out.
  • You for sure need to be taking his name off the account! I also would be selling the games; since he used YOUR money to buy them that makes them yours to sell Stick out tongue

     Seriouly, If my Hubby did this, I would have movers go in, pack his sh!t and that would be the end of him.

  • It sounds as if he has absolutely NO CLUE what he wants to do with his life now that the Navy gig didn't pan out.

    You need to have a heart to heart with him about what he see's for his future, and your future together.  You need to be firm with him that you have given him 4 months to have his "pity party" about getting hurt and not being able to serve in the Navy. Now he MUST get up and find a job with a real paycheck to help support his family. It doesn't have to be his career, or dream job right now. He can take time to figure out want he wants long term for a CAREER but he MUST get something now.

    And I would insist on counseling. If he refuses, I would leave. If he doesn't immediately shape up and start making an effort to look for a job and create a plan, and generally start acting like a grown-up, I would leave. 

    If he wasn't ever this irresponsible with money, or lack of job/time mismanagement then I would say this can be saved, but if he's always been this way and you are just now realizing it, throw the towel in now. He won't change and it's not worth your effort.

    You said you met him in college. Did he graduate? Does he have a degree?

  • Yes I admit I have made some bad decisions. And about the update on my boss letting me turn in my milage early. I wasnt meaning it as an "oh yay our problems are solved" I was raised by a banker and know better than this. I just mean it as "at least I have some money of my own to put into my own seperate account" And yes the anniversary trip is cancelled. And at this moment I will probably go to the friends wedding by myself and drive back all in one day. I cant not go to the wedding; its my best friend from college and he and his soon to be bride made huge financial sacrafices to come to my wedding. 4 hours on the road is cheeper than spending money on a hotel room. We went to premarital counseling and discussed everything before the wedding. Yes our plans didnt work out. We are obviously not living on a Navy base somewhere out of Alabama with 2 incomes. I guess my way of coping with change and his way are two completely different things. I was raised with the idea of when things get bad you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. And apparently he feels the need to sit and mope for months at time. Yes I admitt our life together hasnt gone as planned, I would love to move to a different state(he hates Alabama) but that wasnt what happened. And life rarely goes as planned.
  • image DiveFrog:

    It sounds as if he has absolutely NO CLUE what he wants to do with his life now that the Navy gig didn't pan out.

    You need to have a heart to heart with him about what he see's for his future, and your future together.  You need to be firm with him that you have given him 4 months to have his "pity party" about getting hurt and not being able to serve in the Navy. Now he MUST get up and find a job with a real paycheck to help support his family. It doesn't have to be his career, or dream job right now. He can take time to figure out want he wants long term for a CAREER but he MUST get something now.

    You said you met him in college. Did he graduate? Does he have a degree?

    Whether or not he got a degree and he graduated isn't the story right now -- tons of seasoned professionals can't find jack in the way of a job -- but here's the thing:

    This is a character flaw that her H has -- how come he can sit there and spend their money on pretty much a good time for himself -- and how come he has no qualms with living off his wife?

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