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Adjusting to living together and other things

Well, this is my first post here, so...here it goes.

My fiance and I are getting married in 24 days...we have been officially living together for about 8 months, and unofficially about 6 months prior to that....Prior to getting engaged I relocated with him to his hometown, where his family is, his job is (he works for a family business) and he obviously grew up.  I moved further away from my family, left my friends, got a new job (where I had to take a step down because it is a small town) and on top of it all am planning a wedding.

We have worked well together, I have no doubt in my mind that getting married is the right decision...but I am having a problem adjusting. I havent had time to make many friends, I don't like my job at all and I am far away from my family...I can't seem to get in my groove, on top of that I am planning a wedding and getting used to living with someone. All of this is making me, well grumpy...I am a fairly short tempered individual, where as my fiance is very laid back and easy going.  I come home from work worn out, have no girlfriends to vent to and he tends to get defensive and take things personally. 

What I am looking for is help...I need help adjusting, watching my mouth before I speak, he is an AMAZING individual and I fear I am putting a kink in our relationship because of my ways.  How do I adjust, how long will it take  to get in OUR groove? HELP! I want to make things better!

Re: Adjusting to living together and other things

  • I know you have a lot on your plate, but if you want things to get better, you're going to have to start tackling the things that are dragging you down (one at a time).  Start trying to make friends. Start looking for a new job.

    Regarding living with your FI, what specifically is causing your grief? Is he leaving dishes unwashed? not making the bed? 

    Also, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of this is related to wedding stress.  Try to keep in mind that things may be better when you don't have a wedding to plan. 

  • I can understand. I moved 1500 miles away from my family when we were engaged. I had a new job, no friends and nothing to do as I was getting lost everywhere I went!

    My suggestion is be open minded. This is a good experience! New town, new people, new places. Join a fitness class, see if the local rec department has classes you can join. It is very rough at first, I was going through exactly what you are going through and it's hard adjusting to living together, getting used to a new place, friends and family are far a way and planning a wedding. Those were my issues too!

    H's friends had girlfriends that I have grown to be friends with as well. I am also friends with people at work. The thing is YOU have to be willing and open to the new change in your life. After that, it will be better.

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  • Making friends is HARD. I think it is that way for everyone, especially being out of college and working so free time is a luxury.

    As far as living together I understand you there. My husband and I didn't live together until after the wedding. We have been married about 5 months and are still adjusting. The best advice I received was "don't be such a good accountant". Meaning don't keep track of every time you washed the dishes compared to how many times he did them. Keeping track is just a fight waiting to happen. (Sharing chores is the main source of fights in out house).

    Finally, I get home a good hour before my husband so I have time to eat a snack and relax. I realized if I walked in the house and my husband was immediately in my face I would bite his head off. So roles reversed I decided to give him a solid 10-15 minutes to take his shoes off, sit down for a minute, play with the dog, etc. before I start asking for help with dinner, talk about the day's events, complain about things.  This has really helped us.

    Good luck. It gets easier to live together as time goes on!

  • Well the issues we are having with living together are just that...I need about 15-20 minutes afterwork to unwind and just let my mind relax.  Used to, we lived in a big city and I would have 20 min in the car by myself to do this, now I live close to work and he is ready to be goofy and wants to go go go as soon as we get home. I need the down time. And we just have different living styles, he likes things to "look" clean, so he just shoves stuff in drawers and closests..and I dont know where everything is. As to where I think things should have a place, so sometimes they sit out a while until I can get the to that place.  It is just little stupid things.

    Plus..I keep telling myself (and him) that once the wedding is over things will get better. I havent had time to make friends because I havent had time to do anything but work, eat, sleep and plan a wedding (7 hours away mind you).   I have started playing in a tennis league, but even that isnt going how I had wished (that is usually the thing I can count on going my way..and not here)...it is just hard adjusting!  And not to make excuses...we are ina  VERY small town, and people arent as open to letting you in to thier group...it is hard to find the common ground and that small opening!

     

  • Best piece of advice I can give you is - he is not a mind reader. Talk to him. tell him you need some time when you get home to unwind before moving onto the next task.

    I always find when I am in charge of making change happen in my life, this seem a lot easier. Stop focusing on how small the town is - that is not going to change.Stop focusing on how you are away from what was your home - that's not likely to change either since you chose to move to this small town and marry a man who lives there. You have to get over the small town, far away portion of this or you will resent him. This is a new place - enjoy the change and make it a good change.

    Maybe if you are feeling like all you do is work, eat, sleep and plan a wedding you should take a break from soem or one of those. Interject somethign else into the routine. If you feel overwhellmed by the weddign plans, enroll his help or try to make soem friends involved in the various parts of the wedding and they could be a good ally.

    Do you still have friends in the town you moved from? Call them! Go visit. Skype. You aren't alone out there, you are choosing to feel alone. Change that feeling. Make  yourself happy. And share with him what you are feeling, he doesn't know and he doesn't know how to help you.

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  • Good advice from Gracie.

    And as far as making friends, that will come, after you get through the wedding. It's less than a month away. Enjoy time with your families and the wedding. Then you and your husband can focus on meeting new people. He knows people, right? I would think with his friends, there are sisters, wives and girlfriends to meet?

  • I think you are reacting very normally to some major life changes.  Things will settle down and you'll get into the "groove" of living together.  You will eventually make friends of your own in his hometown.  The wedding will come and go, and you'll have more free time, etc.

    The best way to cope with this is to really talk to your FI about what you are experiencing.   Just talk to him about this in an open, calm, honest way.  Be prepared to listen to what he has to say.  Work together to come up with solutions you can put in place in real life that will help solve some of the things that make life difficult for you.

    True story similar to yours:  Once our DD came along, I began working p/t and was home earlier than H most days.  When he would come home in the evenings, I found myself feeling and acting really defensive and touchy.

    As we talked about what I was feeling, I realized that my feelings partially a reaction to the way my own dad used to go on the offensive when he walked in the door after work, and partially because I felt guilty about being home p/t.

    Once we realized what was going on, we actually changed the way we do things.  He immediately does his workout when he gets home, and other than a quick "hi" we don't say much until he's finished with that.  Also, he was able to reassure me that he wasn't resentful of my being home with DD, and that there was no need to feel guilty.

  • image aggieamber05:

    Well the issues we are having with living together are just that...I need about 15-20 minutes afterwork to unwind and just let my mind relax.  Used to, we lived in a big city and I would have 20 min in the car by myself to do this, now I live close to work and he is ready to be goofy and wants to go go go as soon as we get home. I need the down time.

    How small is this town? He knows (or you are going to tell him) that you need that 20-30 minutes to change gears over to off work status mentally/emotionally.

    So you find yourself a park, pretty pasture area, bookstore or a cafe (not a bar) to relax with maybe some reading material, a soda,, etc. It's your basic routine for your sanity. Some routines are not meant to be broken!

    If he balks at the 'me time' ask him if he'd rather have you home sooner and growling, or 20 minutes later and ready to romp. 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    My H and I didn't live together before we got married but I did move to a new city with no job, not knowing my way around and no family or friends near by. We're still adjusting 9+ months later. Communication has helped a lot! Him knowing where I'm coming from made me feel so much better. Meeting new people through his friends, finding a job I love and figuring my way around has helped a bunch too.

    Oh, and once the wedding was over I could feel the stress just leave me body. It helped immensely to have one less thing to worry about.

  • You have more to adjust to then just living together since you are far from home.  I have a friend that is short tempered also.  She went to see a therapist for this and some other things cause she was always yelling at her H.  The advice she got was when she starts to feel a temper coming on she leaves the room and practices breathing in and out slowly and counting.  She also had to ask her H to help her if he noticed she was starting to lose it to tell her to take a 5 minute break to relax before talking.  So maybe you can try that.

     And when you need to vent...why not call a friend or family member instead of just venting to him all the time.  On the way home from work just call someone and let them know you just need to vent a minute.  Try taking yoga or working out.  You learn to relax and also meet some new friends in the area.  Good luck!

  • Thank you all so much for all the helpful advice, I am going to keep refering to this everytime I need the help. We are working on the communication aspect, I will sometimes go on a small rampage only to later realize it was due to something else...then we calm down and talk about it, and I just explain...he is starting to understand. He really is such a great individual, patient and understanding...but I think the forgets sometimes because he is not in my shoes, he is in a comfortable familiar place...so it helps for me to remind him of this.  We are working on it, and I know things will change and once the wedding has passed..things will get better.  I really appreciate all of the words of wisdom. 
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