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I guess I'm the jealous type

Would you be ok with your spouse/bf maintaining a friendship with an ex they were serious with at one time? I would not like it.

Re: I guess I'm the jealous type

  • Hard to say. It would depend how much I knew about the girl and quite frankly if she was hot or not.

    I maintain a sort of friendship with one of my ex's and my fiance doesn't love it be he knows that a. if he was the type to tell me I can't talk to someone he'd be gone in a hot minute, and b. that my ex can't hold a candle to him.

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  • I am on good terms with most of my exes.  I was a bridesmaid in my ex-fi's wedding.  None of them live within 1000 miles and our contact is the occasional email, phone call or wedding invite.

    Fi doesn't care.  He just laughs and tells me that he is glad they were all stupid enough to let me go. 

  • Ideally speaking, it would be great to not have this person in our relationship. (And I say our, because as in the 'platonic friendships' post below, this person should be a friend to both parties in a relationship). It would just make for a somewhat awkward setup.

    But if they ended on amicable terms, it wouldn't be unthinkable that they would be friends afterwards. I see nothing wrong with that. PROVIDED both parties had worked through their feelings and the past was just that, the past.

    If they're not over eachother, perhaps you shouldn't be with that guy/girl anyway and that would be all the red flag you need.

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  • No.  We don't do this and I have a very hard time seeing any benefit from remaining friends with exes. 

  • We both have friends that are ex's, though it may not be threatening because both our ex's have all gone downhill in the looks dept and live a hundred miles away.  Me being okay with it depends on how the communication goes...if it's a lot of bar hoping private time then it would bother me.  Phone calls, emails, etc. are just fine as long as they're not hushed in a bathroom with running water, etc.
  • Casual friendship, I wouldn't mind at all. Such as friends on facebook, saying hi how's it going when they come across each other in day to day life. Being friendly.

    Being best matey - I would mind, I couldn't help it. Calling each other all the time, texting, going to dinner...eh it's too much like dating isn't it? 

  • No, of course I wouldn't be okay with that.  Someone you were once intimate with and in love with is pretty much the antithesis of a platonic friend, IMO.
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  • My H's closest girl friend is his ex-girlfriend-which I still can't believe they dated-they are so different. They dated for two years in HS-which was 10 years ago. They are completely platonic. She came to our wedding, they talk every now and then, she asks him for guy advice and he asks her for advice sometimes with our issues-which actually helps becuase she's on my side most-if not all the time! lol. No biggie. Her and I talk every now and then too. I could care less.

    Again, it goes back to the trust issue you have with your mate. Who am I to tell him who he can and can't talk to?

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  • I don't think it's an issue of trust or control, more an issue of compatibility.  If a guy defines "platonic friend" in a completely different way from me, such that it includes attraction and past intimacies, then he's not for me, and I'd be in for a long life of shifting boundaries and confusion with him.
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  • Yes.  As long as I knew the ex and we could all hang together and H wasn't constantly contacting her.

    I'm friends with some exes and it's NBD to H, as he's met them and it's also easier because they have SOs.

  • image boredinuk:

    Casual friendship, I wouldn't mind at all. Such as friends on facebook, saying hi how's it going when they come across each other in day to day life. Being friendly.

    Being best matey - I would mind, I couldn't help it. Calling each other all the time, texting, going to dinner...eh it's too much like dating isn't it? 

     

    I agree with this. 

  • He doesn't so I can't really say how I feel.  I do stay in touch with an ex of mine. I feel bad though.  I had lunch with him when he was in town and didn't tell my H.  I don't have feelings for this guy and know I wouldn't do anything.  But I know my ex still has feelings for me.  I know I need to stop talking to him.

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I don't know. Luckily my H went on a lot of first dates and nothing more... so no serious relationships. And I only dated him. Cool
  • image srgw:
    I don't know. Luckily my H went on a lot of first dates and nothing more... so no serious relationships. And I only dated him. Cool

    This is me...so H really has nothing on his end to worry about--Him on the other hand, had several gf's in HS, and a couple right before we started dating in college. Like someone already said--how can you be "platonic" with someone you were once intimate with?

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  • No, I'm the one... if they were an ex let them be an ex.  The term is there for a reason.  Because casual talking leads to bringing up the past and then casual flirting and blah blah blah.  Yes, some may see as a jealous tendency but I dont see the point of befriending an ex - there are so many more people out there to be friends with.  If you want a friend of the opposite sex, befriend a coworker, nine chances out of ten you'll be able to befriend someone of the opposite sex there.
  • I think I'm a little bit of a jealous type, but to clarify, I don't like it that he has friends that are female but I don't forbid it either. I do however think it would be inappropriate for him to hangout with a girl without me present. The same goes for me. I do have some male friends. BF says I can go out to dinner or something with my guy friends, but I won't without him, or at least it has to be in a group setting. I feel it's important for each of us to be as transparent as possible. Also, if I did go out to dinner with one of my male friends, maybe my friend could get the wrong idea. Or...I have had guy friends want to come hang out at my apartment. NO WAY! First of all, I have very nosey neighbors and they could just in passing tell BF another guy was in my apartment even though it was perfectly innocent. Second, even though I know he'd believe me, part of me thinks it would plant a seed of doubt. 

     I don't maybe I'm more careful about these things than I need to be, but I've been cheated on twice. I have a great guy and I want to keep it that way! :) 

  • Um.... That would not be an ideal situation for me either.
  • It would depend on the situation:

    If I knew she was over her feelings for him, then I'd be fine with it.

    If I thought or suspected that she was still crushing on him then no.

    It's not that I don't trust him, I just really don't see the point of one party looking for a relationship and one person looking for friendship..it would never work out.  

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  • No! Definitely not. I make sure my husband knew how it made me feel, and if he wanted to keep me happy, she would be gone.
  • When I see this question, I think of specific women and my answer is no. Even though my husband doesn't think either of them are all that special anymore, I wouldn't be keen on the potential drama that they could cause. Both of his exes are unhappy with their lives and (in the past) tried to engage him in emotional or physical affairs. Since the come-ons weren't very subtle he just said "no" and told me what they tried... because he was kind of annoyed.

    We decided that since his exes can't or won't act like adults, and maintain a platonic relationship, he shouldn't pretend to have mature adult relationships with them.

    If his exes fit the imaginary profile of someone who was happy with her life and had no intention of causing drama in a marriage to cure boredom, then, yeah... I'd be ok with it.

     

     

  • It totally depends on the situation. One of SO's best friends - S - is a girl. SO used to be in love with S. She was actually his first love. Anyway, they're still best friends and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. The only times that I see myself having a problem with it is if (1) the girl hates me. That would just be weird and awkward or (2) if the girl tried to come onto SO knowing that we're together.
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