Trouble in Paradise
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Does age really matter?

There is this boy at work, whom I adore. He is a total sweetheart, super hot and plays the bass. *swoon*

Downside, he is 20. Turns 21 in October. I am 23 and for some reason it makes me nervous to date him. 

Am I just over thinking it? I know if our sexes were reversed it wouldn't bother me but for some reason it does. 

Thoughts? 

Re: Does age really matter?

  • Right now I think age is the least of your concerns. You JUST got out of a relationship not that long ago. You need to figure out who YOU are without focusing on the next guy you're going to date.
  • I don't think a 2-3 year difference in your 20's is a big deal.  But I also agree with JDD that you shouldn't be so quick to jump back into another relationship.
    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • I don't think age is a huge difference between 20 and 23, but I think if you really wanted to date this person, you wouldn't be worrying about the age. Maybe it's your internal warning that this isn't something you really want?
  • Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

  • image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Well if your last relationship taught you to listen to your instincts, and your instinct is to worry about the age difference with this new guy, then there really isn't a question now is there?

  • image MKESweetie:
    I don't think age is a huge difference between 20 and 23, but I think if you really wanted to date this person, you wouldn't be worrying about the age. Maybe it's your internal warning that this isn't something you really want?

    That's what I am wondering. I usually date guys 4-6 years older than me. So it's weird. I guess my biggest annoyance is he can't go to a bar with me. LOL.

    And who is to say that this will turn into a relationship. We may hang out outside of work and decide it's only fun flirting at work. Who knows. I've known the kid for a year and half, so it may or may not pan out into anything. 

  • image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Do you even hear yourself?! You didn't know to listen to your instincts with that relationship. You knew he had been a drug addict. You guys even discussed letting each other get high a certain amount of times a year for God's sake! You should have known right then that there was something very wrong with this relationship and yet you continued on in it until you were confronted with the truth that you just couldn't ignore. Only then did you break it off. You are not ready for another relationship right now.

  • I'm a bit of an age-ist so it would make me uncomfortable, but if he's cool, I don't see a big deal with hanging out with him.  It's not like you're attempting to get married tomorrow.  He may turn out to be a really good friend and/ or really fun.
    [url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lb3f.lilypie.com/fLG9m4.png[/img][/url]


    [url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lbdf.lilypie.com/Or18m4.png[/img][/url]
  • image DulceDeLeche:
    image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Well if your last relationship taught you to listen to your instincts, and your instinct is to worry about the age difference with this new guy, then there really isn't a question now is there?

    See that's my confusion. I don't feel it's instincts so much as I feel like a cradle robber. Which I am not. I think I am just over thinking it. Hmm...

    Maybe it is instincts, that I don't like younger guys. Or maybe I just feel "oh so superior". :::shrugs:::

  • image blissful_frenzy:
    image DulceDeLeche:
    image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Well if your last relationship taught you to listen to your instincts, and your instinct is to worry about the age difference with this new guy, then there really isn't a question now is there?

    See that's my confusion. I don't feel it's instincts so much as I feel like a cradle robber. Which I am not. I think I am just over thinking it. Hmm...

    Maybe it is instincts, that I don't like younger guys. Or maybe I just feel "oh so superior". :::shrugs:::

    What was that comment about not excusing your instincts away??? 'Nuff said.

  • image JustDuckyDancer:
    image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Do you even hear yourself?! You didn't know to listen to your instincts with that relationship. You knew he had been a drug addict. You guys even discussed letting each other get high a certain amount of times a year for God's sake! You should have known right then that there was something very wrong with this relationship and yet you continued on in it until you were confronted with the truth that you just couldn't ignore. Only then did you break it off. You are not ready for another relationship right now.

    No, I didn't know he was a drug addict. He never told me, he hid it from me. What we discussed was getting high on mary jane. I was always open to him about my past and what I went through with my previous relationship. I let him know that I wasn't ok with drugs on a daily basis and while I still smoked weed occasionally. The hard core stuff I wasn't ok with. (I don't think, I explained it very well the first time around.) 

    He still denies anything and still doesn't understand why I broke up with him. He hid it from me. And I didn't trust my instincts b/c I thought I was just scared b/c he was such a nice guy and blah blah. It was only 4 months, that I really wasn't emotionally invested in. I thought I was but I really wasn't. 

    And like I said, who knows if anything with this guy will go anywhere. I don't think there is harm in hanging out to see what happens. 

  • image blissful_frenzy:

    image MKESweetie:
    I don't think age is a huge difference between 20 and 23, but I think if you really wanted to date this person, you wouldn't be worrying about the age. Maybe it's your internal warning that this isn't something you really want?

    That's what I am wondering. I usually date guys 4-6 years older than me. So it's weird. I guess my biggest annoyance is he can't go to a bar with me. LOL.

    And who is to say that this will turn into a relationship. We may hang out outside of work and decide it's only fun flirting at work. Who knows. I've known the kid for a year and half, so it may or may not pan out into anything. 

    It just seems to me (and maybe I am wrong) that you're finding a lot of reasons and ways to excuse what you're really feeling -- that maybe this is not something you really want to pursue.

  • image DulceDeLeche:
    image blissful_frenzy:
    image DulceDeLeche:
    image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Well if your last relationship taught you to listen to your instincts, and your instinct is to worry about the age difference with this new guy, then there really isn't a question now is there?

    See that's my confusion. I don't feel it's instincts so much as I feel like a cradle robber. Which I am not. I think I am just over thinking it. Hmm...

    Maybe it is instincts, that I don't like younger guys. Or maybe I just feel "oh so superior". :::shrugs:::

    What was that comment about not excusing your instincts away??? 'Nuff said.

    Exactly. 

    Case settled. 

  • Why did you even come here asking about the age difference if you planned on doing something with this guy anyway?

    Sure. Go ahead. Date him. See how it turns out. Then come back here three months from now telling us how you "learned so much" from your failed relationship.

    You're a joke.

    image
  • image blissful_frenzy:
    image JustDuckyDancer:
    image blissful_frenzy:

    Pssh...that relationship was ridic. I was single for a year before I go into that relationship. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know to listen to my instincts.

    Each relationship teaches you something, this last one just reassured me to listen to my instincts. And not try and excuse them away as something else. 

    Do you even hear yourself?! You didn't know to listen to your instincts with that relationship. You knew he had been a drug addict. You guys even discussed letting each other get high a certain amount of times a year for God's sake! You should have known right then that there was something very wrong with this relationship and yet you continued on in it until you were confronted with the truth that you just couldn't ignore. Only then did you break it off. You are not ready for another relationship right now.

    No, I didn't know he was a drug addict. He never told me, he hid it from me. What we discussed was getting high on mary jane. I was always open to him about my past and what I went through with my previous relationship. I let him know that I wasn't ok with drugs on a daily basis and while I still smoked weed occasionally. The hard core stuff I wasn't ok with. (I don't think, I explained it very well the first time around.) 

    He still denies anything and still doesn't understand why I broke up with him. He hid it from me. And I didn't trust my instincts b/c I thought I was just scared b/c he was such a nice guy and blah blah. It was only 4 months, that I really wasn't emotionally invested in. I thought I was but I really wasn't. 

    And like I said, who knows if anything with this guy will go anywhere. I don't think there is harm in hanging out to see what happens. 

    Funny, but if you look in this link you're directly quoted as saying you two discussed harder drugs.

    http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/28760433.aspx

  • Bliss- it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back with you.  I'm so proud of you one minute and think "wow, she's really growing up" and the next minute it's obvious you haven't learned a damn thing.

    Wouldn't you like it if for once you didn't have to learn the hard lesson???  Wouldn't you like to cut yourself off at the pass because you KNOW how it will end up and you don't need to have to prove it to yourself?  Wouldn't you like to avoid the mistake to begin with instead of having to clean the mess up down the road when you wake up and admit to yourself what you knew all along?

    You're better than this, Bliss. I know it.  You know it.  Now act on it!

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image imoan:

    Bliss- it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back with you.  I'm so proud of you one minute and think "wow, she's really growing up" and the next minute it's obvious you haven't learned a damn thing.

    And yet everybody keeps rushing in to pat the little puppy on the head, even though it shows them over and over that it will never learn to NOT pee on the rug. Don't make me break out the definition of insanity...

    You're better than this, Bliss. I know it.  You know it.  Now act on it!

    What has she ever done to give you the idea that she's better than this? This is classic same-sh!t-different-day Bliss.

     

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:
    image imoan:

    Bliss- it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back with you.  I'm so proud of you one minute and think "wow, she's really growing up" and the next minute it's obvious you haven't learned a damn thing.

    And yet everybody keeps rushing in to pat the little puppy on the head, even though it shows them over and over that it will never learn to NOT pee on the rug. Don't make me break out the definition of insanity...

    You're better than this, Bliss. I know it.  You know it.  Now act on it!

    What has she ever done to give you the idea that she's better than this? This is classic same-sh!t-different-day Bliss.

     

    Because I don't think Bliss is a bad person.  I think she's lost...but inherently she's a good person.  And that fact that she has the ability to admit where things went wrong shows me that she KNOWS what is a good path and what is a bad path... it just seems like she actually gets honest with herself after it's too late.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • Imoan, that is very true. Thank you.

    Case has been settled, I won't be dating this guy. The age thing really bugs me and clearly its something I should listen too. I suppose I just think it's an odd reason to lesson to my instincts; it seems silly ya know. "oh, sorry we can't date b/c your younger" just seems odd vs "oh, sorry you're a loser with no job, car etc, we can't date." Does that make sense?  It's almost like "blaming" him for his age. IDK if that makes any sense.

    Also, I am not looking to get married, so if I have a few "failed" relationships under my belt that is fine with me. I have had only 3 (including my last one) relationships while I have dated multiple people. And have all those "failed" I don't think so. They just didn't go forward to a relationship. Now of those 3, 2 of them failed due to drugs and other circumstances. Sure that is 75% of them but I've finally been able to recognize what I am doing to end up in that situation. And it's been an easy fix.  A lot easier than I thought really.

  • You don't have to give anyone an explanation.  If he asks you out on a date, you can politely say no and leave it at that.  If he really wants an explanation (or you feel the need to give him one) just say you think the relationship is better left as a friendship.

    And why do you need a particular reason to listen to your instincts other than the fact that you have supposedly learned the lesson that you should?  It still sounds like you are making excuses to go against what your instincts are telling you.  Stop it now.

  • We've been flirting for over a year and he knows I won't date him b/c of his age. LOL.

    I don't need a reason, any reason silly or otherwise is a reason right? I suppose that I always thought that instincts should be bad, something warning you against something bad or horrible. And this doesn't seem horrible. Does that make sense? 

    Well, there is also positive instincts. But I hope you get what I am saying. 

  • Just because someone is a nice/ good person doesn't mean they aren't an incurable idiot.  I had a friend back in KY that was a really nice, and good person.  Great dude.  Would never hurt anyone.  Never lied.  Never stole.  But he's a hopeless loser who will always date drug addicted girls who have 4 kids from different fathers and he will keep having unsafe sex with them and getting gonorrhea, and he will keep falling back into doing drugs because he's incurably stupid when it comes to doing anything good with his life.  Hence, he was my friend.  But I don't talk to him anymore because it drives me crazy. 
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  • image blissful_frenzy:

    Now of those 3, 2 of them failed due to drugs and other circumstances. Sure that is 75% of them but I've finally been able to recognize what I am doing to end up in that situation. And it's been an easy fix.  A lot easier than I thought really.

    1) 2/3 does not equal 75%.

    2) Don't date guys from work.  

    3) The fact that you've been flirting with him for over a year despite the fact that you were in a relationship is a red flag that you're a train wreck.  

    4) You've referred to him as a "kid" and "boy".  That says a lot about how you see him. 

    5) You insist you know yourself, know what you want, etc...That's not enough.  GO DO SOMETHING with that knowledge.  

     

    Twin boys due 7/25/12
  • image blissful_frenzy:

    image MKESweetie:
    I don't think age is a huge difference between 20 and 23, but I think if you really wanted to date this person, you wouldn't be worrying about the age. Maybe it's your internal warning that this isn't something you really want?

    That's what I am wondering. I usually date guys 4-6 years older than me. So it's weird. I guess my biggest annoyance is he can't go to a bar with me. LOL.

    Eww, well, stop doing that

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