October 2008 Weddings
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Parents pushing me to forgive..(long)

They keep calling and trying to get me to forgive my sister for what she did and said.

I am hurt, I hate her for what she said to me. She knew my struggles with having children than to say the nasty things to me about having a M/C because she was afraid I can't afford them and thinks this would be best to lose them.

My parents feel they are caught in the middle, they spent half the night of the fight after I left trying to get my sister to come out on why she is so bitter all the time.

She puts everyone down, she goes anywhere and it's like such a burden and she just is so bitter and unhappy and has to call everyone names ect.. she's 19 and just has no friends, sits in her room at my parents house all summer. Just very unhappy and must bring others down when your around her.

I deleted her off my facebook page, I am still very angry at her words. Yes I was wrong at wanting to beat her head in.. but she did far more damage with her words. 

She won't call and be the bigger person so my parents are trying to push me to call and forgive her and I just can't, It's not that I have a grudge I just hear those words over and over in my head and it hurts and I don't want to be associated with someone like that.

I know whats going to happen and I have told both my parents this, she is going to be sweet, charming.. a new Tory.. than slowly go back to I hate everyone Tory and I don't want to be around that.

They want me to make up with her before she leaves for college on Saturday.

What would you do?

Re: Parents pushing me to forgive..(long)

  • I wouldn't try to make up with her.  Especially if she has been like this towards you for years.  Maybe over time things may get better between the 2 of you but for now you should go your separate ways.  It's too bad your parents don't seem to understand just how badly her words hurt you, not to mention kicking you in the stomach while saying such horrible things, and how long it has been going on.
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  • I would aviod her until my PG is over. She seems very harmful and she is not likely to change. I have a 20 year old sister like your sister. 19-20 yr olds don't give a sh!t about anyone but themselves. They are still children.
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  • I know I might be the only one to tell you this, but I would forgive her. Doesnt mean that you have to been nice to her and be her friend, yet you never know how this might make you feel later on in life. Sometimes it takes other people longer to grow up and realize what they have done was the wrong thing, but it makes you the better person to forgive her and move on with your life and not let it hang over you forever.  Maybe don't do it in person though, since last time it was ugly, maybe a short email or a letter or call her. Be the bigger person here!
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  • I too have a 20 year old sister who is like this. I personally do not like her and whenever I say this people are shocked. I love her because she is my sister but I do not like her because she has been complete witch to me and my family one too many times. And every time she decides she needs us enough to start coming back around, she never has to apologize for what she has done, not to mention that she will do it again and we all know it.

    I am not in your shoes and can not tell you what to do but I would understand if you would not want to forgive her. Give yourself some time and tell your parents to back off. They are just wanting  their family  to be as whole as possible.

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  • I would forgive her but that doesn't mean you have to be bff's. Trust me when I tell you, she might be all you have one day. Family is so much more special then other stuff. Just because she said hurtful words (yeah I'd be pissed too) she is still your sister. Please just think things through before you make that decision. Good Luck!
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  • My feelings are leaning towards forgiveness with a few conditions. You forgive her, and that you love her because she is your sister, but you do not like her attitude and behavior. Let her know that this nasty behavior is toxic to your and your babies and until she can prove that she has changed, you are doing what is best for you and staying out of her life--that you won't be at your parents when she is there, will leave when she shows up at places, etc. I'd also write a letter, keeping it short and sweet--don't call, because it can just blow up in your face, she'd get nasty and you'd get emotional....and that is not good for you or the babies. Good luck and no matter your decision, we're here for you.

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  • None of us can tell you what the right thing to do is. However, I would forgive her but I would also stay away from her until after your pregnancy. I would not make any attempts to speak to her in-person.
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  • Here's my basic take:

    You can't forgive someone who isn't asking to be forgiven.

    Your parents may want you to forgive her, but it doesn't mean anything unless she's sorry, and interested in being forgiven.

    Now, that may take time, or you may never get to that, and just decide to put it in the past, but that isn't the same as forgiveness.

    That said, waiting around for a grand gesture of remorse only makes you self-important, so, that only adds fuel to the fire (not saying that IS what you're doing, but if it's a big "i'm waiting for her" standoff, it will get there).

    As I said the other day, you need to get past it, for the health of you and your babies.  You can do that without forgiving.  Forgiveness, or forgetness, may come after time (not forget that it happened, but putting it enough in your past that it's not the defining moment of your relationship with your sister).  But for now, it should be okay to say to your parents:  "I need time. And she needs time. We may get there someday, but right now, my most important job is taking care of these babies, and dealing with all of this isn't helping with that.  Maybe at some point we'll get there, but I'm going to work on not being actively angry about it, which may someday get us to forgiveness, but (as my smart friend Kathy said), I can only forgive her if SHE'S sorry and wants forgiveness, not because YOU'RE sorry."

    Good luck! 

  • My Opinion 

    Your sister physicaly assulted you, She kicked you in the stomach when she knew there are babies in there. There is something very wrong with your sister she needs help and if I were you there would be no way I would put myself in harms way. She may not be able to help what she does. I would just explain to my parents that you need to think of your babies first.

    I am in no way your shoes so you know what you need to do no one else can tell you what to do.

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  • image GeorgiePorgie101208:
    I would forgive her but that doesn't mean you have to be bff's. Trust me when I tell you, she might be all you have one day. Family is so much more special then other stuff. Just because she said hurtful words (yeah I'd be pissed too) she is still your sister. Please just think things through before you make that decision. Good Luck!

    This exactly.

    My sisters can really, really drive me nuts but the older we all have gotten the better it is and they are all I have now.

  • my 2 cents, from my experience: Tell your parents to MYOB. The worst thing that can happen for them & you is to be in the middle. Help them understand that there's nothing they can do to put you two back "together." They're not necessarily speaking for your sister and communicating w/ them is not necessarily going to get back to your sister. You're just going to backslide in your relationship w/ her if you use your parents to communicate with her.

    You seem really hurt by her words, and anyone would be. But what most concerns me is that she assaulted you. That's not normal or acceptable behavior for anyone at any time. If your parents accept it, that's their problem -- but you don't have to, and shouldn't if you would like to protect your children. I have worked with many survivors of domestic violence over the years, and usually her breaking point is when the abusive person abuses her children. That's usually the last straw for moms.

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