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Chinese In-law issue - pls help

My husband and I really need some help regarding his parents and are willing to tap all resources and that means sending this out to you gals out there who are reading this.

We have been married for 3.5 years.  Now have an 11 week old boy.  My husband's parents were both born in Taiwan but have lived in the US for over 35 years.  My DH was raised with some chinese values but I would describe him as a fairly typical american boy.  I am caucasian Catholic.  My ancestors have been in the US since about 1900. 

DH and I have had some "cultural" issues with his parents for all of our marriage but it has really boiled over in the last few weeks and led up to a terrible confrontation today.  Here's the jist:  In-laws believe in something called filial piety.  It basically means that children are to take care of their parents, love and respect them and consider them in everything that they do.  My in-laws have taken this to the extreme and have esentially declared themselves dictators over my DH and I.  They claim that all holidays (even Christian events despite the fact that they are not Christian) are to be spent with them.  My DH and I are to never host my family members in our house.  We are not allowed to baptize our son.  The list goes on and on.  They are totally dogmatic in these beliefs and will not budge or compromise on ANYTHING.  According to them, when I married my DH, they became my family.  I no longer have a biological family.  Of course, my husband does not have these beliefs (I would not have married him if he did) and he tried to tell them this but they absolutely do not listen.  We would like to find a way to make our relationship with my in-laws work.  The terminal alternative is to cut them out of our lives.  These issues are causing us a ton of stress and for now, our marriage is totally fine.  For now and God-willing, for always.

So here are the questions:  Is there anyone out there going through something similar with their in-laws (Asain or not)?  Is there a family counselor out there that can help equip DH and I with the tools we need to work through this?  Does anyone know of any other resources we can tap? 

Sorry for the long post.  I really appreciate any insight any of you can offer.

Re: Chinese In-law issue - pls help

  • I don't have anything of any value to say.  However, I am surprised that your DH didn't know any of this before you got married.  none of this should be a surprise to him, should it?

    I think that you should indeed get some counseling - maybe try looking in chinatown ? 

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/mjodh1.jpg[/IMG] Hi Francey!
  • or post on the chinese wedding board on the knot?
    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/mjodh1.jpg[/IMG] Hi Francey!
  • Yes, my husband is completely shocked by his parents' behavior.  If he had known about this and agreed with them, I would not have married him and we wouldn't be in this mess.  He is totally surprised by what they say and their action.  Not once while he was growing up did they ever tell him that his future wife would have to give up her family and religion.

     Do you think a Philly telephone book would have listings for counselors in Chinatown?  I live in montco.

  • I didn't know there was a Chinese board.  How do I find it?
  • go to theknot - you should see it on the left side somewhere.

    as far as yellow pages, well, why not attempt to find a chinese cultural center or something, in chinatown, and see if they can help you find someone to talk to? 

     

     

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/mjodh1.jpg[/IMG] Hi Francey!
  • Wow, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  I heard Council for Relationships is supposed to be a good resource for marital and family counseling.  I'm sure they work with plenty of people who are dealing with cultural family-related issues.  I think counseling might be the easiest way to begin to work through this.  Good luck. 
  • Great idea.  thank you so much!
  • image rumdrinx:
    or post on the chinese wedding board on the knot?

    BANNED!

    image
    Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
  • Just out of curiousity...

    what are their driving skillz like?

    image
    Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
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