Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap.

Sorry ladies for hitting a sore spot and getting defensive (and sounding crazy b/c I didn't use the 'quote' button)  Embarrassed

I hope that most of you didn't get upset and can instead laugh at the crazy that was me (cold meds and PMS don't mix well with me I guess)

I'll try again a different way.  How do I handle being invited to stay the weekend at SIL's new house (housewarming/belated turkey day) when I don't feel comfortable there?  Anytime I am around her she goes out of her way to alienate me.  I do try to ignore it and instead pay attention to the other family members, but it can be difficult to say the least, especially since her family is aware of it when she's doing it, tries to force her to include me and/or giving me sympathic/apologetic glances.  I have asked DH to stay at his parents instead that weekend (down the street from SIL) but he feels this will upset SIL, and I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to be uncomfortable/unwelcome where I am sleeping.  I don't think that not going is an option. Is there a middle ground that I'm not seeing?  A way to please her and feel comfortable where I'm at?

TIA

Re: Sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap.

  • You dont like each other, so ignore her. She is already ignoring you, so you dont have to interact with her. Its only awkward if you let it be.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Ok, glad to hear that you have stepped back and thought about it some.

    Given the nature of your relationship, I think less is more. Stay at his parents or a hotel. So what if she is angry about that? Let her be - the world won't end if she is mad and she already dislikes you.

    Be civil and polite. "Hi Martha, Happy Thanksgiving."  :: polite smile inserted ::

    If she picks a fight, ignore her or walk away. Really.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image ZestofLime:

    Ok, glad to hear that you have stepped back and thought about it some.

    Given the nature of your relationship, I think less is more. Stay at his parents or a hotel. So what if she is angry about that? Let her be - the world won't end if she is mad and she already dislikes you.

    Be civil and polite. "Hi Martha, Happy Thanksgiving."  :: polite smile inserted ::

    If she picks a fight, ignore her or walk away. Really.

  • You have two issues here: 

    1) Your actively rude SIL.  Use this slightly passive-agressive response that I have used with actively rude people for the past 15 odd years.

    EVERY SINGLE TIME she makes or does a rude comment/action - calmly reply, loud but sweet enough for others to hear "SIL, why did you just say/do that?"  Look truely confused and genuinly concerned (practice in the mirror if necessary)

    Because others are looking at her for her reply, she will have to either explain her reasoning or pawn it off as a joke OR make an either meaner reply (which gets the same reply "now why did you say/do that?" 

    She will either stop being actively rude to you because of the peer pressure (hence the loud enough for the others to hear you and look at you both), stop because she gets annoyed with the constant putting her on the spot or she will get so rude/mean you can finally cut her off.

    2) You have a DH problem if he is choosing to putting his PITA Sis' feelings over yours.  A considerate spouse would/should never force you to stay somewhere you are truely uncomfortable.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I hope maybe I can help you with this one- we actually have been in a similar situation recently.

    First off, in the actual situation- the best word I can think of to describe it is "grace." You don't call attention to her poor behavior (she's doing a fine job of that on her own, I promise you) but you also don't spend the evening acting as her doormat.  I.e.  You say, "Hi Molly, Happy Thanksgiving!" and move along smiling to greet the other people in the room, instead of standing awkwardly while you wait for the acknowledgment you know she's not going to give.   You make pleasant conversation with the other relatives there.  If she says something outright rude, you use Ilumine's excellent line "Now why would you say that?".  Essentially, you choose to have a pleasant time and to move along with your life, and if she chooses to focus on ignoring you and licking her wounds, as it were, that's her choice- but she's only ruining her evening, not yours.  Do you see what I mean? 

    That said- it may be too late at this point to change it for this occasion, but in the future, yes, I would push to stay at someone else's house or at a hotel.  And if SIL called all crying and feeling excluded because you weren't staying with HER, your husband should reply calmly, "SIL, I honestly didn't get the feeling you would want us to stay in your home, and I still don't.   Being ignored when we are around you sends a very clear message about how you feel, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to stay overnight in the home of someone who couldn't even speak to you.  If you'd like to discuss this calmly and work towards a resolution, I would like that- but in the meantime, I will not put myself and my wife in a situation where we aren't welcome."  And stick to it. 

    I do want to caution you because there were points in both this post and the original post where you or your husband made decisions because you "don't want to upset her"- that's a slippery slope, as you've obviously discovered.  Think of it this way: you know her, at this point, to be someone who gets rather irrationally upset over little things- the hair, the necklace, being there to watch him purchase the ring, having people actually stay at her house.  If your main motivation for decisions is "I don't want to upset SIL"- then that's giving your SIL, and her tantrums, and her behavior, an awful lot of power it doesn't deserve.  Better to make your main motivation values like, "I want to do what's right and fair by my wife/ husband and I," "This is important to me," or even "This is our decision to make, and this is what we choose," - and if she gets upset, it's HER reaction, not a major influence over your decision. 

  • I agree, it is very hard to completely ignore a situation when someone is going so out of the way to make you feel unwelcome. 

    I also agree that you should take baby steps and that your DH should put your needs and wants before his sisters.  I would insist on a hotel, I'm sure you will really need the escape from her by the evening.  If is upsets SIL, it's her problem and she is already crazy and upset with you, so what will this really do to your relationship.

    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    bio
    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
  • Realize that, over the course of the weekend, your SIL is going to have a meltdown about SOMETHING (and of course it will be something YOU did).  When she does, realize, IT IS NOT YOU, it is her. She needs the attention for whatever reason.

    Have a talk with your dh before you go.  Tell him you EXPECT him to stand up for you over the weekend, or this will be your last weekend even visiting the area she lives in (ie you will not "visit her" again, only at a hotel, you will not be near her at all, and that includes Christmas).  If she ignores you, your dh is to call her out "Sis, wife asked you how your job was, and you didn't answer."  then pauses as he waits for a response from her every.single.time.

    I also second the hotel idea.  Sure, your SIL will b*tch and moan about it, but one of you has to be happy - you or SIL, and it may as well be you!!!  Your dh needs to put you in front of his sis. Heck, he doesn't even like his sis that much, why does he bend over backwards for her.

    Oh, and accept that she will never like you.  You are a threat to her being the family princess.  So don't try to get her to like you.  Just be nice and polite and don't do anything you are ashamed of.

     

  • image Ilumine:

    2) You have a DH problem if he is choosing to putting his PITA Sis' feelings over yours.  A considerate spouse would/should never force you to stay somewhere you are truely uncomfortable.

    This is your true issue here. Stop trying to lay it all on your SIL. It's not her fault your H is more concerned with her than he is with his wife.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image Ilumine:

    2) You have a DH problem if he is choosing to putting his PITA Sis' feelings over yours.  A considerate spouse would/should never force you to stay somewhere you are truely uncomfortable.

    While I absolutely agree that most issues on this board are DH issues, I can't help but wonder a bit about the background here.

    The OP admitted that she was a drama queen in her first post and it sounds like both her and the SIL were having meltdowns. So, maybe the DH is just exhausted by all of this and is hoping that since the wedding is done that everyone can grow up and play nice?

    I guess I could go either way at this point on my opinion....

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image SchuylerJane:

    I have asked DH to stay at his parents instead that weekend (down the street from SIL) but he feels this will upset SIL, and I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to be uncomfortable/unwelcome where I am sleeping.  I don't think that not going is an option. Is there a middle ground that I'm not seeing?  A way to please her and feel comfortable where I'm at?

    TIA

    Why do you not want to upset her? Clearly she has upset you in the past, and I dare-say you have upset her in the past. It seems like the opportunity to become "friends" has passed, so it is time to embrace being SILs.

    If you're not comfortable at her house, don't stay at her house. Tell DH that you're going to 1.) stay with M&FIL or 2.) get a hotel. I can only assume that option #1 will win. 

    During the visit, be polite and distant. Don't look for a fight, don't get involved in a fight. And going forward, don't hold onto the notion of a good relationship. Accept that you're not going to have one and move on. She can only upset you to this degree because you care enough to let her. When you stop, her childish behavior will become somewhat of a freak-show joke to you, as I suspect it already is for others. 

    Finally, get your H on the same page as you. This battle will continue until that happens.

  • If he doesn't want to upset his sis, he can stay there and you can stay at your MIL's.  Maybe he will be able to have a heart-2-heart with her about how rude she is to you and say that you two are not coming to stay in her house until there is a better comfort level.

    I would also say to cut the weekend as short as you can.  Go Saturday instead of Friday night ("we have to work late"), leave as late as possible Saturday and go home as early as possible on Sunday.  You could potentially spend less than 24 hours there.

  • image ZestofLime:
    image Ilumine:

    2) You have a DH problem if he is choosing to putting his PITA Sis' feelings over yours.  A considerate spouse would/should never force you to stay somewhere you are truely uncomfortable.

    While I absolutely agree that most issues on this board are DH issues, I can't help but wonder a bit about the background here.

    The OP admitted that she was a drama queen in her first post and it sounds like both her and the SIL were having meltdowns. So, maybe the DH is just exhausted by all of this and is hoping that since the wedding is done that everyone can grow up and play nice?

    I guess I could go either way at this point on my opinion....

    This.  Had I or my DH's sister been acting like this on our wedding day, he would probably have pulled me aside and given me two choices:  ditch the wedding to marry him at the JOP, or he's walking away from both drama queens.  

    I have a suspicion your husband is really just sick & tired of the whole thing.  Doesn't mean you should take her abusive behavior, but if you could realize it's not something to cry/complain about to him every single time, you'd both be a lot happier I'd bet.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • image Ilumine:

    You have two issues here: 

    1) Your actively rude SIL.  Use this slightly passive-agressive response that I have used with actively rude people for the past 15 odd years.

    EVERY SINGLE TIME she makes or does a rude comment/action - calmly reply, loud but sweet enough for others to hear "SIL, why did you just say/do that?"  Look truely confused and genuinly concerned (practice in the mirror if necessary)

    Because others are looking at her for her reply, she will have to either explain her reasoning or pawn it off as a joke OR make an either meaner reply (which gets the same reply "now why did you say/do that?" 

    She will either stop being actively rude to you because of the peer pressure (hence the loud enough for the others to hear you and look at you both), stop because she gets annoyed with the constant putting her on the spot or she will get so rude/mean you can finally cut her off.

    2) You have a DH problem if he is choosing to putting his PITA Sis' feelings over yours.  A considerate spouse would/should never force you to stay somewhere you are truely uncomfortable.

    Thank you for the suggestion, I will try to use it.  I wouldn't necessarily say he's putting her before me, he just fears her wrath and fears damaging their relationship more than it has been for the past two decades or so.  And he knows that we're secure in our relationship, so he doesn't fear losing it.  He wants to mend their relationship as he feels he is partly to blame (which he is, but that's a whole different story and thankfully it is from their childhood and not since I've been around).  He wants to give her this chance, as maybe she'll be different in 'her' home vs. 'our' home.  I do feel however that he should've been more supportive about staying at MIL/FIL given our history.  I'll have someone at least to commiserate with as apparently she's been extremely mean/rude to her mother lately, so I imagine we'll both need nice long walks to get out of the house.  I am planning on making a gin & tonic to help me get through the evenings with grace :-) 

  • image MrsGinger:

    I do want to caution you because there were points in both this post and the original post where you or your husband made decisions because you "don't want to upset her"- that's a slippery slope, as you've obviously discovered.  Think of it this way: you know her, at this point, to be someone who gets rather irrationally upset over little things- the hair, the necklace, being there to watch him purchase the ring, having people actually stay at her house.  If your main motivation for decisions is "I don't want to upset SIL"- then that's giving your SIL, and her tantrums, and her behavior, an awful lot of power it doesn't deserve.  Better to make your main motivation values like, "I want to do what's right and fair by my wife/ husband and I," "This is important to me," or even "This is our decision to make, and this is what we choose," - and if she gets upset, it's HER reaction, not a major influence over your decision. 

     That's actually a really good point that I hadn't heard or thought of, thank you for bringing that to my attention!  Definitely gives me some food for thought...

  • image MKESweetie:
    image SchuylerJane:

    I have asked DH to stay at his parents instead that weekend (down the street from SIL) but he feels this will upset SIL, and I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to be uncomfortable/unwelcome where I am sleeping.  I don't think that not going is an option. Is there a middle ground that I'm not seeing?  A way to please her and feel comfortable where I'm at?

    TIA

    During the visit, be polite and distant. Don't look for a fight, don't get involved in a fight. And going forward, don't hold onto the notion of a good relationship. Accept that you're not going to have one and move on. She can only upset you to this degree because you care enough to let her. When you stop, her childish behavior will become somewhat of a freak-show joke to you, as I suspect it already is for others. 

    Finally, get your H on the same page as you. This battle will continue until that happens.

    Good point, thanks.  I do need to just step back and enjoy her 'show' and stop caring and trying to be 'friends'. 

    Time for a chitchat with DH as we do need to get on the same page.  He's so used to being single (I'm only the second person he's dated - so that's 33 years or so of single-dom behind him) and making decisions on his own - which is something that we've struggled with in the past, but gotten through once he realized he was doing it.  One more little hurdle :-)  What's life without challenge?

  • or u can spill red wine all over her house...that will learn her for insisting u stay over
  • image MoMos:
    or u can spill red wine all over her house...that will learn her for insisting u stay over

    lol - unfortunately she doesn't drink a drop.  One time I was mixing drinks for a dinner party at someone else's house and she was watching me.  I poured literally maybe a tablespoon amount into a cup to see if I had the mixture right twice while making it and she said "you're going to be an alcoholic".  Jay was FURIOUS when I told him after we got home.  So yeah, won't be bringing wine, but I think I will NEED something to take the edge off so I might slip out for a bit and have a Mike's hard limeade or something :-) 

  • Do like me...have nothing to do with her.  I am so happy Big Smile that we do not cross path anymore.  I came to the realization it's not me its definitely her.  For thanksgiving I went to my FMIL.  We had a great time!  SIL1 and 2 was there and we were all chatting laughing and talking, and for a minute I was thinking why can't it be like this when my SIL3 is there.  Oh well she sucks.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards