Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Living with the In-laws....

2»

Re: Living with the In-laws....

  • I think that if the OP said, "We've been married for five years and recently my DH lost his job, then I lost my job, and we couldn't pay our bills and cover the cost of living on our own so we had to move in with MIL....." the reactions here would have been very different. In this case OP & her DH got married and moved in w/ MIL. 

    OP just proves that we live in a time where so many want everything right now, economic situation aside. They want a house, so they're willing to sacrifice their marriage, freedom, and their relationship with ILs to have it. They could, though, rent a one bedroom apartment for very little money, forego everything but the necessities in life (yes, I mean no cable, no internet, no movie & dinner dates) and safe like he!! for some money to buy a house.

    The women on here aren't mean, they're realistic. Notice that the only people playing the "you're all mean" card are the people also living with their parents? Doesn't that say something? The PPs have given this woman advice : MOVE OUT! I don't think there is another option here really...

  • I'm sorry that things are this way for you. My only suggestion is to move into an apartment for awhile. If you stick to a budget, you should be able to save enough to buy a good home. Good luck!
  • The economy stinks =/= have to go mooch off of my parents.

    To the extent that you let somebody else support you, you have invited that person's commentary into your life.  If you wish to be treated as independent adults, live like independent adults.

    And to the OP -- you are a GUEST in HER HOME.  Behave with a modicum of grace and don't you dare complain to the woman who is generous enough to feed and shelter her grownass son and daughter-in-law that you don't like the way she's doing it.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • image beloved21:

    Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? How do I  handle her constant opinions, nagging, commentary and all together depressing attitude...please help!

    Thanks!

    Step 1: Double or triple up on birth control--adding a third freeloading child to the mix will not make things better.

    Step 2: Make a choice--a) Move out and become independent adults, save up for a house like normal independent adults do--while they are taking care of themselves, or b) every time you get frustrated and want to scream, repeat the following words: "We have made the choice to be dependent children. We are imposing on her home and life because we are choosing to not take on the responsibilities of independent adults. This was my choice, if I don't want to deal with the consequences of this choice; I have the ability to change it myself." Repeat as necessary.

     

  • You can find a super cheap efficiency studio which would be fine for just your DH and you until you both are financially better off.  My DH and I were not the best financially off when we got married but we made it work by sacrificing many luxuries (since we viewed our new marriage as more important).  For example, we rarely went out to eat, shopping, etc.  It is doable but you have to be willing to sacrifice but in the end your marriage is more important. 
  • image Velvetshady:

    Step 2: Make a choice--a) Move out and become independent adults, save up for a house like normal independent adults do--while they are taking care of themselves, or b) every time you get frustrated and want to scream, repeat the following words: "We have made the choice to be dependent children. We are imposing on her home and life because we are choosing to not take on the responsibilities of independent adults. This was my choice, if I don't want to deal with the consequences of this choice; I have the ability to change it myself." Repeat as necessary.

    This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read here. Crying

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • that's easy move out
  • My fiance and I are in the exact same boat, right after we got engaged, we lived with my mother, which actually wasn't too bad. About a year ago, we moved in with his parents, since they have a finished basement, but now we're within months of buying our first home. I can totally sympathize with the comments, and the depressing attitude, my FMIL not only has a tendency to make below-the-belt comments, but will badmouth my fiance to me! She has told me to my face that I would be miserable and alone if I married her son. Not to mention get-togethers with his father's side of the family are awkward with her; she accuses them behind their backs of thinking they're better than her, and pulls me along into it if my fiance doesn't happen to be around at that moment. I know that this is just the beginning; it will get worse once my fiance and I move into our own place, I'm already prepared for some fallout out of sheer jealousy since my fiance is her only son. The best advice probably anyone can give is to let the comments go right over your head, try to find something about her that you like, and focus just on that. Make sure you know where your husband stands between you and your MIL, it's important that he be on your side, and lets you confide in him when things get rough. There's no easy fix for the "poor-me" attitude that MIL's seem to love, the best thing is just to find some kind of solo hobby to keep your mind distracted, and your positivity up. Just think of it this way; once you and your husband have your own place, you can throw out all the comebacks to her comments that you want since you're not living under the same roof. Good Luck! It gets better, promise!
  • image lnzylou:
    The best advice probably anyone can give is to let the comments go right over your head, try to find something about her that you like, and focus just on that.

    Umm, no. The best advice has been given here a few times already if you bothered to read--move out.

    image lnzylou:
    There's no easy fix for the "poor-me" attitude that MIL's seem to love...

    Umm, there is a really easy fix. Stop imposing on your MIL (actually in your case, it's your FMIL or in other words, someone currently completely unrelated to you that you are freeloading off of) by moving out. Here's a helpful little mantra for you to start reciting: "We have made the choice to be dependent children. We are imposing on her home and life because we are choosing to not take on the responsibilities of independent adults. This was my choice, if I don't want to deal with the consequences of this choice; I have the ability to change it myself." Repeat as necessary.

     

     

    Where are all these parasitic non-adults coming from?

  • image Velvetshady:

    image lnzylou:
    The best advice probably anyone can give is to let the comments go right over your head, try to find something about her that you like, and focus just on that.

    Umm, no. The best advice has been given here a few times already if you bothered to read--move out.

    image lnzylou:
    There's no easy fix for the "poor-me" attitude that MIL's seem to love...

    Umm, there is a really easy fix. Stop imposing on your MIL (actually in your case, it's your FMIL or in other words, someone currently completely unrelated to you that you are freeloading off of) by moving out. Here's a helpful little mantra for you to start reciting: "We have made the choice to be dependent children. We are imposing on her home and life because we are choosing to not take on the responsibilities of independent adults. This was my choice, if I don't want to deal with the consequences of this choice; I have the ability to change it myself." Repeat as necessary.

     

     

    Where are all these parasitic non-adults coming from?

     

     

    seriously, I really hope you never loose your job or hit a rock along the way and have to "freeload" off your parents or inlaws or anybody for that matter.. Life is hard sometimes, just because you and a few of these other people think life is grand and the ones living with family are the worst people in the world doesn't mean you won't be there one day. It is a fact that a child as an adult will move back home at least once after moving out and being on their own for years..

    So with all these comments being that people living at home (or inlaws whatever) are non-adult and dependent on the parents and are childish and this and that. I guess this means you will never allow your child as an adult move back home when they hit a hard spot in the world you rather have them out in the cold in the winter under a bridge.. That is just lovely to think about. That is the perfect way to do things.


    Maybe it's just because more then HALF of the "nesties" are RICH, SNOBBY women that never got a hand in being helped or in learning how to help others in time of need.
    There is a true difference between a 25 yr old living off his/her parents, and the 25 yr old that is working hard, and paying bills even paying to live under the parents roof, that just can't make it in the "real world" at this moment in time.
    Weather this be one person or a couple. Just because the one isn't stable enough to live in their own means they can't be in a realtionship.

    I pray that you all see the light in helping and just because a married couple or a girlfriend/boyfriend couple live with parents does not mean they are the worse people in the world and does not mean they are taking advantage of the people they are living with.  One day you all will see weather it is you personally or a loved one, you will see that people hit rock bottom and still can share love.

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • image playtnteppg27:

    seriously, I really hope you never loose your job or hit a rock along the way and have to "freeload" off your parents or inlaws or anybody for that matter.. Life is hard sometimes, just because you and a few of these other people think life is grand and the ones living with family are the worst people in the world doesn't mean you won't be there one day. It is a fact that a child as an adult will move back home at least once after moving out and being on their own for years..

    So with all these comments being that people living at home (or inlaws whatever) are non-adult and dependent on the parents and are childish and this and that. I guess this means you will never allow your child as an adult move back home when they hit a hard spot in the world you rather have them out in the cold in the winter under a bridge.. That is just lovely to think about. That is the perfect way to do things.


    Maybe it's just because more then HALF of the "nesties" are RICH, SNOBBY women that never got a hand in being helped or in learning how to help others in time of need.
    There is a true difference between a 25 yr old living off his/her parents, and the 25 yr old that is working hard, and paying bills even paying to live under the parents roof, that just can't make it in the "real world" at this moment in time.
    Weather this be one person or a couple. Just because the one isn't stable enough to live in their own means they can't be in a realtionship.

    I pray that you all see the light in helping and just because a married couple or a girlfriend/boyfriend couple live with parents does not mean they are the worse people in the world and does not mean they are taking advantage of the people they are living with.  One day you all will see weather it is you personally or a loved one, you will see that people hit rock bottom and still can share love.

    When did wanting to save money become an emergency? When did not being able to save money quickly to buy a house become equal to "hitting rock bottom"? If they had come on saying that they had lost a job, or had severe medical issues and couldn't afford rent and to pay their bills, or that they had been responsible adults and then life bit them in @$$, the answers would be very different--because the answer wouldn?t be as easy as MOVE OUT. These people got married when they couldn't yet be responsible for themselves and they willingly made a choice to sponge off their parents, ILs, FILs and are now complaining about not liking living with the very people they are sponging off of. These people haven't suffered an emergency or "hit a rock in life"--they WANT something faster than they can save for it themselves, so they are sponging off others to get it--NOT AN EMERGENCY BUT A CHOICE.

    Bad things do happen in life, but from everything these people posted here, not to them. They made a choice to live with people out of want not need, and now aren't happy with the consequences of their choice--the easiest fix is change the choice they made.

    And no, my parents wouldn't allow me to move in just to avoid the responsibilities of being an adult. They would greet me with open arms if I actually needed their help. And I would do the same for them. Saving faster for a house isn't a true need or anything close to an emergency or hitting rock bottom. There is a huge difference between helping out a family member in need and enabling an irresponsible parasite.

     image playtnteppg27:
     
    Just because the one isn't stable enough to live in their own means they can't be in a realtionship. But it does mean they shouldn?t be taking on even more responsibilities if they can?t handle the ones they have now.

     

    Oh, and I think the words you are looking for are "lose" and whether".

  • PP, you are correct there is a difference of helping out a family member, and the want or need.
    I was stating about all these comments toward anyone that lives at home. The Op mentioned the basics, and was just asking, and yes "move out" is the best solution, however, when others mention they live at home, not mentioning their reasoning everyone is jumping to that they too are just doing it to want to, and not the need.

    (almost)Everyone is so judgemental on the little information they have. Then when some ask questions, the way they make fun, and not directly ask is just not right, Some just act as if, the OP and others are the worse loosers in the world. Get over it already.

     

     

    "thanks for the correction, I know I'm not the smartest in spelling or grammar, so sue me, that means I don't belong on boards huh?"

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • We moved... and just as an fyi I was never rude to my MIL.... I always respected her because it was her house. We were perfectly capable of finding a shitty ass apartment but knew we wanted / deserved better. We are two perfectly capable adults..so there is no need for growing up...thanks for the advice though. Just two people down on their luck because of job loss...was a little irritated when I wrote this...I am very grateful for the gift they gave us...and yes we should have never moved in...but at the time it was just what needed to happen because my husband got a new job in a different state....we wanted to find the perfect place to live in the new city....

    Thank you to those who gave polite and kind advice. 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards