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meeting the bfs exfiance

my boyfriend and i were very good friends before we got together. he would bring this woman up fairly frequently (once or twice a month) even though they had been broken up for about a year. he told me at one point she was the love of his life. or he would reminisce about how much he loved looking over at her in kindergarten (they have known each other for about 25 years) and loved her big blue eyes and how shy she was. okay so i learn all of this about the ex before we started dating. weve been together a year now. he says he wants to marry me. that im the one. but we have an event to attend this upcoming tuesday. and he warned me she will be there. (i have a problem with him and her talking because he lied to me about the contents of some emails i honestly accidentally saw he had recieved from her and no i didnt snoop and read him, i just asked him when they had started talking again. he lied about what they talked about. i could tell when he told me so yessss i know this is inmature but i did sneak on his email and read them, we had this huge fight and almost ended things. not only cuse its the ex "love of his life" but because he lied straight to my face about it..) goodness if youre still reading thankyou.. basically i feel like shes a threat to me and the stability of the relationship in a way. am i just being overly paranoid? i know im sounding very insecure. but thats because for some reason when it comes to thought of this chick i am..HELP!! please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid and remain calm and confident.
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Re: meeting the bfs exfiance

  • The woman is not the problem your boyfriend is.
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  • image ana.autopsy:
      i honestly accidentally saw he had recieved from her and no i didnt snoop and read him,

    but i did sneak on his email and read them, we had this huge fight and almost ended things. not only cuse its the ex "love of his life" .

    Ok..So lets establish that you did SNOOP (you contradicted yourself here) in his emails. You do sound insecure, but thats because obviously he isnt trustworthy (if he isnt trustworthy, then you shouldnt be with him). You all definitely need some sort of counseling BEFORE you marry, there is some serious baggage that you all need to deal with.

  • So your BF talks about this woman regularly, says how she was the love of his life, lied to you about communicating with her, lied about what they were talking about and you needed to snoop to find all this out.  After all that you think SHE is the problem? 

    Yeah, ditto the PP who said you have a BF problem.

    Personally, I believe life is too short to be with someone who lies to me and spends so much time reminiscing about another woman. 

  • image karome:

    So your BF talks about this woman regularly, says how she was the love of his life, lied to you about communicating with her, lied about what they were talking about and you needed to snoop to find all this out.  After all that you think SHE is the problem? 

    Yeah, ditto the PP who said you have a BF problem.

    Personally, I believe life is too short to be with someone who lies to me and spends so much time reminiscing about another woman. 

     

    he doesnt talk about her anymore. only when we were friends. but it was like that up until a week that we got together. and yes i wasnt clear with what i ment about snooping. what i meant to say was that the way i found out about the emails was an accident it hadnt even crossed my mind that he and i had any trust issues before this even. it was after i could tell he was lying about their contents that i went all nancy drew..not my proudest moment.. 

  • goodness yall. i know what yall are saying is right. if there is no trust you cant expect to go much further. but im head over heels for the guy. and 95% of the time i love him completely. it just seems like he wishes i was her. she and i are complete opposites. shes think punk rock chick who loves to party and has no real priorities other than getting messed up. and i work for a government contractor. i love orginizations and volunteering. im the girl next door type. do you think its a case of he wants to settle down with the "safe" one but is really longing for the wild and crazy times they use to share?
  • Can I point out that he is with you, not her?  I am not sure why you are spinning things up in your mind.  
  • hes with me because she left him for another guy. she waits a few months and then starts trying to worm her way back into his life so she can string him along.
  • image ana.autopsy:

    basically i feel like shes a threat to me and the stability of the relationship in a way.

    Your lying, not-over-his-ex BF is the threat to you and the stability of your relationship, not this woman.

    hes with me because she left him for another guy. she waits a few months and then starts trying to worm her way back into his life so she can string him along.

    How long were they apart before he started dating you? Because based on this, it doesn't sound like it was very long. It sounds like you're the Rebound Girl.

    please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid and remain calm and confident.

    Send Mr Wrong packing and find a guy who isn't hung up on his ex. Really, there are millions of them out there. You're only 24; why tie yourself down to a liar who has made it crystal clear to you that he would rather be with somebody else?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • If you dont trust him now you never will.

    Go find a guy who didnt get dumped by the love of his life! Maybe then youll become the love of HIS life.

    Tell him his #2 is dumping his ass as well....notice a pattern!



  • I'm sorry about this...it sounds like he is not over his ex. If you stay with him, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of wondering about the ex, does he really love you like he did her, etc. At least he stopped talking about her when he got together with you, but the problem is that when you were friends, you heard all of his thoughts about her. That's hard to forget, and if you put that together with the lies about their emails, I think you're probably doomed.

    If I were you I would walk away. He needs to choose you, not fall into a relationship with you after hanging out. I get the feeling he did that partly to try to make his ex jealous, I don't know. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • image zitiqueen:

    image ana.autopsy:

    basically i feel like shes a threat to me and the stability of the relationship in a way.

    Your lying, not-over-his-ex BF is the threat to you and the stability of your relationship, not this woman.

    hes with me because she left him for another guy. she waits a few months and then starts trying to worm her way back into his life so she can string him along.

    How long were they apart before he started dating you? Because based on this, it doesn't sound like it was very long. It sounds like you're the Rebound Girl.

    please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid and remain calm and confident.

    Send Mr Wrong packing and find a guy who isn't hung up on his ex. Really, there are millions of them out there. You're only 24; why tie yourself down to a liar who has made it crystal clear to you that he would rather be with somebody else?

    Yup...

  • Another vote for ditching him; he's got too many strikes against him.

    You seem like a nice person who has her sh!t together. You can do a lot better than this guy.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image ana.autopsy:
    hes with me because she left him for another guy. she waits a few months and then starts trying to worm her way back into his life so she can string him along.
    Rebound.  That's what you are.  A rebound.

    Honey- you've only been w/ him a year.  And there are a HOST of issues here. 

    As others said, your problem is your BF, not the ex. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image ana.autopsy:
    hes with me because she left him for another guy.

    You seem very sweet, and intelligent about what is going on here. I don't think you need us to tell you that you need to get rid of this guy as much as you need to know that we think that's a good decision. That's ok, even very confident people sometimes need affirmation about what they do. So, if you start doubting that moving on w/o this guy is the right decision, please just read the sentence above, and remember that this is what you said about why your BF is with you.


  • He will dump you the second she asks him to, even if you're married.  He wants HER, he's settling for YOU until she wants him again, despite being the current gf, you're not the primary woman in his life.

    It's harsh, but I've been here and done that, he'll never get over her, and the fact that he's already lying, not a good sign.

     

  • image DysonWife:

    He will dump you the second she asks him to, even if you're married.  He wants HER, he's settling for YOU until she wants him again, despite being the current gf, you're not the primary woman in his life.

    It's harsh, but I've been here and done that, he'll never get over her, and the fact that he's already lying, not a good sign.

     

    This is exactly what I was trying to say, but Dyson did it much better. I've been there too, I know it's so hard but I promise you that if you end it, you will move on and find someone who leaves you in no doubt that you are THE ONE for him. You'll be so glad you didn't stay with this guy. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • He's not over her, that's obvious.  He's lied to your face, you snooped in his email, you don't trust him, you are a rebound, SHE was the love of his life

    But its ok that you have a completely dysfunctional relationship which is not at all built on a solid foundation of the very basics...because you are head over heels.

    You are too young to get maried.  You don't understand what a good relationship is.  I'll give you a hint:  This ain't it.

    It isn't going to get better.  

    I predict you will either DD, or spend the rest of this thread defending your douchbag BF, telling us we don't understand, he's so great, we don't know you and your love etc. 

    Heard it all.

  • image ana.autopsy:

    HELP!! please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid

    Too late.

  • so... you're with this guy. A guy who wantsto be with you.  EXCEPT, if this other girl wanted him back, he'd drop you in a red-hot second.

    You don't trust him.

    Of course, you don't trust him because he lied and is untrustworthy...

     

    Loving someone 95% of the time is NOT ENOUGH>

    You know what I have to love?  I havae to love myhusband when he's being the biggest moron on the planet.  (which doesn't mean I have to like it--I may well want to kick him in the head. But I still love him).

    And you know how much I have to trust my husband?

    all.  Because tomorrow?  I have to trust when he's not with me for 12 hours that he'll not put himself in circumstances where he'll hurt me.

    Your man?  your man is ALREADY putting himself in circumstances, by talking to his 'ex' where he hurt you.  And the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

     

  • (1) Admit to yourself that you're a desperate woman willing to settle for less than what any decent person deserves.

    (2) Figure out how and why you got yourself into the situation of being so desperate.

    (3) Dump this guy and leave him to live out his unfulfilled dreams on his own.

    (4) No, really. He's not going to just wake up one day and be the devoted man you fantasize he will. Not going to happen, and you know this.

    (5) Move on to something better.

    (6) Live a dignified life relieved of the burden of living in the darkness cast by another's shadow.

    (7) Never think of degrading yourself in this way ever again in the future.

  • You are 24, your writing skills are horrible, and you are in an immature relationship with a guy who is in to someone else.

    Dump him, continue your education and move on.

  • So...is the ex with someone else right now?  You mentioned that she takes up with a guy but then tries to come back and get attention from your bf.  During the time you have been going out with your bf, has she been single?

     

    I know the "DTMFA" line is popular in this thread, but I would try a different approach.  I would sit BF down and have a long talk.  It is obvious that he has an idealized version of ex in his head -- romanticized by their long acquaintance.   That fantasy is a strong one.  This is where the idealized version of romance trips so many people up -- if you were "meant to be together", then you would be together.  I also think that you have a bit of an obsession with it as well.  You feel that he doesn't love you like he "loves" her and that somehow your relationship comes up second best.  

    I would sit down and talk to him about how his dishonesty has really undermined your faith in your relationship.  Point out to him that the torch he is carrying for her is damaging your lives together.  Show him that her attempts at reconnecting are manipulative and self-serving -- she is using him to boost her ego when things aren't rosy in her own life, but that she obviously has no sincere interest in being with him.

    Tell him that he needs to figure out what he wants -- his illusions about his ex or his real life with you.  Tell him that counseling is mandatory, otherwise you are leaving.   If he doesn't give you a hearty, "Oh honey, I absolutely love you and couldn't imagine being with anyone else", you need to leave and find someone who does feel that way about you.

  • I don't think the point is to look calm and confident, the point is to BE that way.  Either you feel solid in your relationship or you don't.  If you can't think of his puppy love kindergarten crush with warmth, then you shouldn't be investing your future into a relationship with him.

    You don't trust him.  I'm not sure if its b/c of the emails and the lying or something deeper.  I don't even know if he can regain your trust or what he would have to do. 

    But I sure do know that I have a very deep trust with my husband and you deserve to be with someone you feel that way about.  I'd make it a priority to get that before you get married.  B/c nothing else matters.  And I mean nothing.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image AlisaS:

    You are 24, your writing skills are horrible, and you are in an immature relationship with a guy who is in to someone else.

    Dump him, continue your education and move on.

    Well aren't you miss sweetness.  

  • image DaringMiss:

    You feel that he doesn't love you like he "loves" her and that somehow your relationship comes up second best.

    Because he TOLD her that the other woman was the love of his life.  When a man says he loves someone else and always will, believe him. 


  • image DysonWife:
    image DaringMiss:

    You feel that he doesn't love you like he "loves" her and that somehow your relationship comes up second best.

    Because he TOLD her that the other woman was the love of his life.  When a man says he loves someone else and always will, believe him. 


    If I am reading the OP correctly, the bf has not referred to the ex as the "love of his life" since they became a couple.  

    Plus, the bf doesn't actually *love* the ex, he is infatuated/obsessed.  Actual love is mutual, not one sided and manipulative. 

  • image ana.autopsy:
    my boyfriend and i were very good friends before we got together. he would bring this woman up fairly frequently (once or twice a month) even though they had been broken up for about a year. he told me at one point she was the love of his life. or he would reminisce about how much he loved looking over at her in kindergarten (they have known each other for about 25 years) and loved her big blue eyes and how shy she was. okay so i learn all of this about the ex before we started dating. weve been together a year now. he says he wants to marry me. that im the one. but we have an event to attend this upcoming tuesday. and he warned me she will be there. (i have a problem with him and her talking because he lied to me about the contents of some emails i honestly accidentally saw he had recieved from her and no i didnt snoop and read him, i just asked him when they had started talking again. he lied about what they talked about. i could tell when he told me so yessss i know this is inmature but i did sneak on his email and read them, we had this huge fight and almost ended things. not only cuse its the ex "love of his life" but because he lied straight to my face about it..) goodness if youre still reading thankyou.. basically i feel like shes a threat to me and the stability of the relationship in a way. am i just being overly paranoid? i know im sounding very insecure. but thats because for some reason when it comes to thought of this chick i am..HELP!! please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid and remain calm and confident.

    He lied to you about the content of the emails?

    Adios and au revoir. Why do you want to marry a liar??

     

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    image ana.autopsy:
    my boyfriend and i were very good friends before we got together. he would bring this woman up fairly frequently (once or twice a month) even though they had been broken up for about a year. he told me at one point she was the love of his life. or he would reminisce about how much he loved looking over at her in kindergarten (they have known each other for about 25 years) and loved her big blue eyes and how shy she was. okay so i learn all of this about the ex before we started dating. weve been together a year now. he says he wants to marry me. that im the one. but we have an event to attend this upcoming tuesday. and he warned me she will be there. (i have a problem with him and her talking because he lied to me about the contents of some emails i honestly accidentally saw he had recieved from her and no i didnt snoop and read him, i just asked him when they had started talking again. he lied about what they talked about. i could tell when he told me so yessss i know this is inmature but i did sneak on his email and read them, we had this huge fight and almost ended things. not only cuse its the ex "love of his life" but because he lied straight to my face about it..) goodness if youre still reading thankyou.. basically i feel like shes a threat to me and the stability of the relationship in a way. am i just being overly paranoid? i know im sounding very insecure. but thats because for some reason when it comes to thought of this chick i am..HELP!! please give me some advice on what to do so i dont look stupid and remain calm and confident.

    He lied to you about the content of the emails?

    Adios and au revoir. Why do you want to marry a liar??

     

    This.

    Also, your OP was hard to read. Some appropriate capital letters and taps of the enter key to produce paragraphs would help immensely.

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  • Thank you to everyone for their responses. Forthose of you who had a problem with my grammar/typing, I do apologize. It waslate and I had had a few drinks. Also I was wrapped up in my head so it allcame spilling out. I promise I don't always type like a 13 year oldhaha! As far as the BF, I'm going to sit down and talk to him. Ask him where isheart is really at. If he says it truly is with me, and then see ifhe would be willing to see a counselor to work on our issues. If he says heisn't sure where his heart lies, than it will be adios. Once again, thank youfor the support and advice. Really I just needed to hear from people what wasalready in my head. I think this has helped me to fully realize what it is thatneeds to be done. 

  • Thank you to everyone for their responses. Forthose of you who had a problem with my grammar/typing, I do apologize. It waslate and I had had a few drinks. Also I was wrapped up in my head so it allcame spilling out. I promise I don't always type like a 13 year oldhaha! As far as the BF, I'm going to sit down and talk to him. Ask him where hisheart is really at. If he says it truly is with me, and then see ifhe would be willing to see a counselor to work on our issues. If he says heisn't sure where his heart lies, than it will be adios. Once again, thank youfor the support and advice. Really I just needed to hear from people what wasalready in my head. I think this has helped me to fully realize what it is thatneeds to be done. 

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