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Miscarriage woes

I found out when I was 8 weeks pregnant that I only had a placenta and no baby.  After I found out and with poor circumstances, my DH and I got in an argument.  Horrible things were said and I did not stay at home for three nights.  I was emotionally able to come back and DH did not appear sad or upset at all. 

My dad and M/FIL were the only family and friends to know about the pregnancy and so they were the only ones I was able to talk with about how I felt.  When ever I talk about it I still cry and get depressed.  It's been a month and a half since my physical miscarriage (which I never want to experience again or have anyone else experience).  I cannot get past this.  DH and I are trying again, but I still feel sad about the past pregnancy.  My DH said he is over it, but I am not.  How can I move past this great sadness that goes through me all the time?

Re: Miscarriage woes

  • Therapy. For you individually and for you both as a couple.  I am sorry for your loss.
  • Men do not handle these things the same way.  It seems that H didn't get used to the idea of becoming a father yet so therefore, it wasn't as real to him as it was to you.

    If you are still this upset, maybe you should put off TTC for a little bit and talk to someone.

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  • Therapy. Lots of it for you. Maybe some marriage counselling too; but you really do need some help. 
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  • I'm very sorry you're going through this.  I also had a difficult time  after my miscarriage. Plus my h was not at all sympathetic, sometimes men don't 'get it'.  Years later we have two beautiful kids but I realize now I should have sought therapy at the time, it would have helped so much. 

    If you don't feel up to finding a therapist yourself, maybe a family member who knows what happened can help you.

    Also, I really don't think you should be ttc when you're still dealing with your loss.  You should take a break from trying until you feel better.

    Good luck.

  • image babEcakes:
    Therapy. For you individually and for you both as a couple.  I am sorry for your loss.

    Ditto. You need counseling, this isnt something thats easy to get over.

    Sorry again for you loss...

  • I'm very sorry for your loss. It's only been a month, give it time. The pain does get easier in time. Don't rush yourself and don't allow your DH to rush you either.
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  • 6 weeks is not a long time to grieve a miscarriage, for either you or your husband. I had a loss at 9 weeks, and it took me a few months to grieve to the point that I wasn't still sad and angry every time I thought of that loss, and even after that I still felt sad about it occasionally.

    Also, men grieve in very different ways and he might say he's "over it" but that's not exactly true. My H seemed to get over it and told me we should move on within a few weeks; however, after I pleaded with him to please talk to me he admitted that for him it was just too painful to think about anymore. He did care, but it hurt him too much to let himself feel that. This is very common for men dealing with pregnancy loss.

    I urge you to go to the Bump.com's Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss board. The thing that helped me most of all was talking to other people who had been through what I'd been through, and realizing that ALL of my emotional experiences and also my H's were very, very normal parts of grieving a pregnancy loss. I want you to know that yours are too.

    Certainly therapy can be very helpful too. But I do not want you to feel that you need therapy because you are somehow dysfunctional in how you're dealing with this; I think on the contrary what you're going through is very common.

    All my best, please feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk off the boards. 

  • I am replying to this kind of late, but I just wanted to add how much I agree with ibis.  I had a m/c at what should have been about 10 weeks in June.  I don't think i'll ever be over it, but it wasn't until 2-3 months later that i managed to get control of my emotions.  i know that may seem like a long time but losing a baby, no matter how far along you are, is incredibly difficult, because to you, the minute you find out your are pregnant you start thinking about it like it was a baby--your baby.  I'm not against therapy by any means, but you are not in anyway abnormal for still being emotional only 6 weeks later.  please do check out the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board on thebump.  you'll find out how truly normal what you are going through is on there and be able to get and give a lot of support to women who are going through the same thing as you there.  

    (hugs)

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  • Just wanted to offer some support. I've had two losses, and I was a mess after my last loss, despite the fact that we have a healthy child and DH and I have a great relationship. It was at least 3 months before I felt like I was truly emotionally stable again, and even after that, there were moments I just felt like crying all over again. Don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to feel. You ned time to grieve and to heal.

    I agree w/ a PP, that men tend to handle these things differently, and it can be really hard for them to understand the emotions that are involved for women. My DH was of course very upset about our last loss, but couldn't understand why I was still so upset months later. I also agree that therapy can be really helpful, either for both of you together, or for you individually. I'm sorry for your loss, and best wishes.

    m/c 10/2003 @ 10 wks, missed m/c 1/7/09
    DD born 2/19/2007, BFP 5/12/09, DS born 1/18/10
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  • I have had a few losses and you never truly get over it.  Pregnancy loss will forever change you.  It is a part of your life experience that you will carry with you and it will shade your perceptions hereafter.  Grief is not linear it is circular--meaning one day you will feel great and at peace with things and then the next day you will feel lonely and sad. It often strikes at inopportune times.  Like when you see a pregnant woman at the store, or see kids running around at the park, and when you get your period it will feel like another loss all over again.

    My marriage too took quite a beating because no matter how sympathetic or empathetic we perceive our husbands to be, they just grieve differently and that is hard for us to deal with.  My husband is a very caring and loving man, who never intended on causing me more pain but his need to "move forward" and not dwell on the loss, hurt me very much.  It made my loss seem inconsequential. As if it didn't matter.  I don't think that is what he wanted to portray, but it was the way I perceived his distance.  Men like to fix things and when you experience a loss such as a miscarriage, there is nothing they can do and it causes them so much pain to see us in so much anguish and they cannot do anything to fix it.  They are powerless.   So they often withdraw and don't want to talk about it too much.  Which just makes us feel more isolated and alone.  

    After four losses, my DH finally has learned how to support me but it took a very very long time.  I think counseling is a good recommendation because if you don't deal with the core issues and establish communication then it is much harder than it has to be.  We had a very difficult time and when I did get pregnant again, he was fairly uninvolved in the process, I struggled with PPD and our marriage began to disintegrate.  We eventually worked out our issues but not without some help from the church.

    When I experienced my more recent losses, we were much better equipped to handle them and talk through our emotions and grief bringing us closer.  

    I am so sorry for your loss and please PM if you want to talk.  I recommend the TTCAL board as those ladies are awesome! 

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    ? BFP Chart ?

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  • First, I'm so so so sorry for your loss. secondly, Ditto IBIS on the DH thing. Talk to him, and be there for him. Fathers to be usually dont get support like a mother to be does when there's a loss. It's likely he's trying to be strong for you, MH didn't break down until he got super drunk one night and that's when he confessed he wanted to be there for me and thought he couldn't be if he showed sadness. If you want to talk to a therapist go for it, I never did but I will say that the Pregnancy Loss board and all the steps of graduation from there(TTCAL, SAL, PAL) have been way more support than I could ever have imagined! Feel free to PM me anytime if you'd like to vent, talk, or hear a story of success. Lots of the girls that have experienced a loss will offer the same.
  • You don't need therapy yet. Trust me. My loss was in January of 09 and it took till June to have a semi-positive outlook on life again. I'm now 6 months pg and I STILL get depressed and cry about my lost little one.

    I found great comfort talking through things on the Bump boards TTCAL, and SAL. Those girls were all the therapy I needed, but I don't think I'd have done very well without them.

    Hugs for your loss. Come join the bump boards, you'll get so much more support there than you will here.

     

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  • I agree with the previous posters.  It took me up to a year to work through my losses (2 over 2 years), which of course are never completely gotten "over".  There is no set time limit to grieving and each person will handle it differently.  With the second, I had the help of a counselor that called after the D&C to check on me.  Even though we only spoke once over the phone, it did wonders to know that someone was just there for me.  I did not know this was available from the hospital when I had my first loss as it was a natural m/c that I ended up going to the ER (not scheduled).  Most hospitals have loss/grief nurses that are there should you need someone to talk you through.  For me the nurse wasn't there that much with the losses.  However, I had asked if she could be there (well if I could call her) for the next time I was KU as doctor's appts put me in near panic attacks. 

    As for DH, agreed they all handle it very differently.  My DH ALWAYS tells me, it will be fine, blah blah blah, which I think is crap.  However, I was shocked to hear from his co-workers wife that he had told his co-worker what a difficult time it had been (news to me from him!).  So I think he just wanted to appear strong for me, which could be the case for you as well.  I wish you the best of luck and like me D&C doc told me right before my D&C....Do not EVER blame yourself for this happening as it is NOT your fault.  There were times I sat at home and cried and just repeated this to myself.   We are here for you!

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  • Have you considered posting on the loss board of the bump? I did after my loss and it was really helpful. There are also groups where you can go and talk to people. Honestly a month and a half isn't that long. Most OB's think the average grief cycle is over 3 months. You'll probably wounder about the child that might have been all of your life. That is OK. It is normal.
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