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Post Wedding Blues

Ok I know women can get depressed after the wedding, but I never figured DH would be like that.  He's been so moody since the wedding; happy one minute and pissed the next.  I've been walking on eggshells for a month and a half.  I try to get him to open up to me, but he brushes it off and calls it nothing.  I've pointed out his behavior ( in a good, concerned way) but he still claims it's nothing.  And he seems to be mad with me most of the time.  And I don't even know what I do to make him mad.  Tonght it was because I whine and didn't move some papers when he asked me.  Last night it was because I forgot that he told me something, which he never did.  When he tells/asks me something I listen.  And he's taken to talking to me like I'm a small child.  He explains everything to me in small words, very slowly.  And I mean everything, even things I already know or could have guessed myself (I am reasonably intelligent)  Most of the time he's angry because I don't read his mind and pick  things up or clean things that he thinks would be common sense stuff.  I've asked him to ask me to do these things, but to no avail.  And he bottles stuff up and only talks about it when he "can't take it anymore"  Ladies, I need some help.  I'm at my wits end trying to keep up with his ever chaning attitude and trying to be Susie Homemaker.  I want the man I was engaged to back, not this confusing, frustrating husband.  Thoughts and advice please!!
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Re: Post Wedding Blues

  • This doesnt sound normal...

    I understand post wedding anxiety's. I have friends that have gone through this, but nothing to this extent...more like moodiness, low sex drive ect.

     But this sounds a little different...Have you tried talking to him about how he is making you feel? You all just got married so this is a little...disturbing.

    It sounds to me there are some underlying issues here, and that maybe this started before the "I do"...

  • Suzy homemaker... really? I don't know what to say besides suggesting that you talk to him about all of this. I don't quite understand how it is even possible for him not to answer you and discuss what is going on in your marriage. I would never put up with that crap. Have you tried calling him on his BS and demanded that he talks with you about these issues? It is not ok for him to treat you like a small child and talk down to you. It is also not ok for him to brush you off and ignore you. It IS ok for you to put your foot down and demand to be treated with respect. Goodluck.
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  • "It's clear from you attitude and behavior since the wedding that you are unhappy with me.  I need a better answer about why than "It's nothing" and I need to know about problems before you "can't take it anymore".  I feel that I'm being treated like I'm stupid because I don't understand what you want, and that's not fair to me- I love you but I am not a mind reader."

    I would say something like that.  And if I didn't like his tone (using very small words and talking like you are a small child), I would look him in the eye and say, "I do not like being treated like a child.  When you are ready to speak to me as one adult speaks to another adult, I will be here and listening."  

    It sounds like there's a fair amount going on where he's expecting that he shouldn't have to explain or say some things to you- similar to situations where people complain, "I shouldn't have to ask him to bring me flowers on my birthday- he should just think of it on his own!" 

    A couple of questions- re: the Susie Homemaker line.  Do you expect yourself to be Susie Homemaker, or are you trying to be Susie Homemaker in an attempt to get him to stop being pissy?  Have you and he lived together before (and if so, why the sudden change in expectations after the wedding)? And is there a difference in what each of you considers "clean" or "organized"- i.e., does he think floors should be vacuumed daily while you think once a week is sufficient? If so, you two two may need to revisit how you split chores based on what your and his strengths are, or come up with a list of household expectations you both think are reasonable (i.e. living areas are picked up before going to bed, dishes are done after dinner, etc.)  

  • Did you live together before marriage?  For how long?  

    Did you have pre-marital counseling?   

    What is the power dynamic/task distribution between his parents?  

    This situation doesn't sound so much about post-ceremony letdown as a serious shift in his expectations of a girlfriend vs. wife.   

  • This isn't post wedding blues. This is a change in attitude and behaviour.  He's pulling the bait and switch.
  • Talking is really the only to get past it. He may not want to, but you'll have to force the issue. Just choose a time when you've got him on his good side and he may be more responsive. He should definitely be treating you a bit better than he has, but something else may be going on to make him act out. If it's just a transition issue, just do your best. It sounds like you know the things that set him off so try to be a little more conscious of picking things up around the house and again, talk to him as soon as he's in a lighter mood.
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  • Are there other factors that have changed since the wedding?  Higher level of work stress, financial worries, family issues? Did you live together before you got married?

    Have your expectations for him or your relationship changed since the wedding?

    If the only change is really the fact that you two are married now, then I would say that this has been brewing for alot longer and he has just now reached a point where he is showing his true feelings.  If that is the case, it's so very unfair to you. 

    You two are just going to have to really talk this out.  He needs to be willing and able to  open up and work through this with you.  No matter what, you do deserve to be treated with love and respect, and standing up to him and telling him that he isn't being nice to you is something you need to do immediately.

  • We lived together for three and a half years before we got married and I've never seen him act this way.  A little moody here and there, but aren't we all from time to time?  But not this depressed-ish and upset.  As for the Suzie Homemaker line...I've always set pretty reasonable house keeping goals for myself and I've yet to let myself down.  Sometimes I get a little hard on myself for watching tv when I know I should be doing dishes or something, but when I'm done indulging myself I get stuff done.  DH doesn't expect me to be Leave It To Beaver's mom, he helps out too, but he holds himself to high standards in everything (job, home, ect.)  I just can't meet those same high goals.  We've had similar discussions where he's said he's not happy with my cleaning habits (that makes me sound like pig, I"m not I promise) and I try to change them to reflect what we talked about.  I've also told him that I'd rather get things done in my own time and that they do get done, just not right now.  I'm not the type to "make waves", waves scare me, but maybe I'll try and grow a little backbone.
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  • It's not making waves its standing up for yourself. You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness and you need to realize that and make some decisions accordingly. I think that if he is unhappy about the way that you keep the house then he needs to step up and clean it his way. It really does not sound like you two do an equal amount of work around the house. What it sounds like is that you do most everything and then he complains about it not being good enough. From what you have said your relationship doesn't sound like an equal partnership at all. It sounds as if your H is the authority figure and you are just trying to please him. That is NOT normal. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? If not I suggest you really try to make some changes in the dynamic of your relationship. I think counseling would be good for you. Goodluck.
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  • Hi I know I am probably responding late to this but I do hope you read my reply.I have experienced this recently. I got married in June and sometimes the adjustment to married life takes longer than expected and it shows in people in different ways. For your husband its grumpiness.  Anyway I would just ignore his moods and not really respond and instigate. I know that is so hard to do but that is what I personally have been doing. My husband is now realizing that his moodiness will not rub off on me and he is actually acting a little less grumpy and short with me. In any event I would just let it all go and see what happens. It is a phase (I hope).

     

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  • I would highly suggest he get therapy.

    and your cleaning isnt good enough?  The first time my FI mentioned that to me I said here you do it.  And from then on he has been super good about helping or doing it himself. (I left him with a huge mess to clean up from ripping out carpet_)  He learned his lesson.

  • I'd suggest just telling him in a more straight out way.  If he's explaining something like you're a child tell him "Please don't talk to me like a child, I'm your wife, talk to me like it, I can always ask for clarification if I don't understand".  If he's complaining about you cleanings let him know that you're not messy but you might not pick up things immediately, he might have to be a little more patient, but if somethign is bugging him he also just has to let you know....I'd try being a little harder on him for the way he's treating you, let him know that it's not right, that you're equals, and let him know how it's making you feel...

    I'd suggest going out on a date night one night soon too (plan a dinner out or by sports tickets, or concert tickets, or go for a movie (anything that's away from the house and just enjoy each other....

  • RE: your latest update.  I would ask your husband to sit down with you and help you draw up a list of household expectations you both agree on and find reasonable.  The point is not to convince anyone of whose standards are better or more reasonable- the point is to honestly ask yourselves this: If it's a highly stressful week for both of you (you have a cold/ reports due at work/ etc. etc.), what do you still expect done around the house? Sheets and towels changed once a week? Dishes done by bedtime? Bathrooms cleaned by Friday? What is your household minimum cleanliness standard?

    Once you two have hammered that out, set that as the household expectations.  Meaning, if those things on that list get accomplished, in that way, you've both done your part.  Anything beyond that is extra.  I.e. if our household expectation is to clean the kitchen on Thursday, and we have someone coming for dinner on Wednesday, and I want to clean the kitchen earlier- that's on me.  That's my standard of wanting the kitchen cleaner for company, so while I can ask for help (and Mr. G probably will), I can't huff and puff around expecting him to feel the same urgency to clean the kitchen earlier, or demand that he help fulfill my expectation. It's an extra, not an expectation.

    It's also nice because we're able to accomplish things as a team and approach the rest as an opportunity to do something extra, or something nice for the other.  When one person is always trying to get the other to meet his or her personal standard, it's just demand, demand, demand and comply, comply, comply (or fail).  With the household standard/ extras system, its more working  together and then having a chance to do something nice or unexpected.  

    Another point- it does sound like you're in an overall pattern of him being unhappy or having expectations of you, and trying to meet them or trying to make him happy.  Don't confuse the idea of changing that pattern to a more mutual one (where you both have expectations of each other, and both try to please each other) with "making waves".  He is obviously not afraid to assert what he wants or expects of you- why are you reluctant to assert what you want or expect of him? 

  • THERAPY - TOGETHER AND SEPARATE

  • image brighteyes888:

    Hi I know I am probably responding late to this but I do hope you read my reply.I have experienced this recently. I got married in June and sometimes the adjustment to married life takes longer than expected and it shows in people in different ways. For your husband its grumpiness.  Anyway I would just ignore his moods and not really respond and instigate. I know that is so hard to do but that is what I personally have been doing. My husband is now realizing that his moodiness will not rub off on me and he is actually acting a little less grumpy and short with me. In any event I would just let it all go and see what happens. It is a phase (I hope).

     

     

    I must admit that my husband at one point got very moody with me and it seemed like he always found fault in me.  It started about a month and a half after we got married too.  I started doing like the poster above did.  I stopped letting his grumpiness get to me.  If he acted crappy towards me I would call him on it (in a calm respectful tone) & continue on like it's nothing.  I made dinner like normal, kissed him goodnight like normal, even carried conversations with him like normal.

    The more you try to coddle him about his moodiness, the more power you are giving him.  If he doesn't like the way you clean, tell him to re-do it the way he likes.  If he wants you to clean something now, give him the option to do it himself or you will do it once you are done watching your TV show.  But everytime you respond to him do it calmly & nice, even smile.

    He'll quickly see that he can stya grumpy all by himself.  My husband's grumpiness has subsided quite drastically once I stopped letting his moodiness affect me. 

       

  • I agree with the previous poster that responding to his moods will probably get you nowhere. It sounds like he is a perfectionist and is now realizing that he can't control one aspect of his life that maybe won't be perfect all the time -- his wife.

    I'd ignore the grumpy behavior and keep living your life the way you did before you got married. If he starts with the down-talk, walk away. And if it doesn't get better, couples therapy or a class on communication in a marriage.

    Good luck!

     

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