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Ready to move forward

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 yrs (living together for 2 yrs).  I've recently found myself wanting to move forward in our relationship, that is; buy a house, get engaged, get a dog.  We talked about buying a home several months back so I did a ton of research and created a portfolio of houses in our area that were in our price range so on and so forth.  He never said anything about it again!  I've tried talking to my boyfriend about our problems and how I want to move forward but he just says we have different outlooks on life.  I don't know to do!  I love this man, but is just doesn't seem like he will ever be ready to step up and be "the man"!  I need to him to start proving to me that he can do this and will do what it takes to provide for a future family but he is happy living pay check to pay check.  What do I do?  Is is time for me to move on and look elsewhere for someone who desires the same things I do?  I'm so confused and lost!
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Re: Ready to move forward

  • I think it is fair that you tell him what your expectations are, and that you tell him if he cannot meet these expectations you are going to end things. 

    Do not let yourself fall into the "We've been together for 5 years and I don't want to just give up" trap.  You are not married, and the entire point of dating and having a relationship with a person is to determine if you want to marry a person as they are at that moment in time.  Love is NOT enough.  You have to be able to work together, you have to have similar morals, values, and expectations in life.  Keep in mind that as you have children, these things will be more important to you.  So you have to be realistic.

  • You may have different outlooks on life.  What is his outlook, and how does it differ from yours?  Does he ever want a house or marriage?  If not, this is important for you to know.
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  • Ditto ictoana.

    Also, if you guys are living paycheck to paycheck, you really can't afford to be buying a house, incurring the extra expense of a wedding or a dog.

    I think you need to sit down and figure out what your expectations are together, and see if you're on the same page.  Then go from there.

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  • We don't live paycheck to paycheck, I just meant he would be okay living that way.  He doesn't understand that value of saving like I do.  I save every month and I try to spend my money very wisely.  He just gets through the bills and doesn't really care from there.  He says he wants to buy a house and we have to means to do it but when it comes down to actually going out and looking he ignores the issue. 
  • I always thought this would be the man I would marry.  It just seems that lately he's gotten comfortable and doesn't really have any real desire to move forward.  I think that's my biggest issue!  I feel like I shouldn't have to settle for "comfortable" and that I want more out of life.  It's just hard to make the right decision.
  • When the two of you talk about this, why does he say he's not interested in getting married in the near future?
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  • He says it's because I told him when we first started dating that I didn't want to get married until I was settled in my career and felt comfortable financially.  I just think that's smart.  But I'm very comfortable in my career and I feel financially stable and I talk about marriage all the time!  I drop hints and I've even looked at rings in front of him.  I've even gone as far as to ask him when he thinks we'll get married and he just says "whenever you're ready to."  I mean I moved my entire life to a new city in a new state so that we could stay together and not have to do long distance.  I think that's a pretty big commitment on my behalf.  I don't know why he wouldn't think that I'm ready to move forward.
  • That says it right there.  He doesn't have to move forward because he knows you aren't going to leave him.  You are going to bend over backward to do anything you can to stay with him.  Including settling. 

    I think the best thing you could do for yourself right now is to move on.  It is going to suck for a while, but you will get over it. 

    BTW, how old are you?

  • I was afraid that was going to be the response.  That's what I've been thinking for a while now but was too afraid to say it out load.  It's been so hard since I've been in this new city because good friends are hard to come by and I don't have anyone besides him that I feel comfortable talking to about personal relationship issues.  I don't like to air my dirty laundry if you will. 

    I'll be 26 in December.  I just feel like I'm at that point where I want to start thinking about a family.

  • You have spent your entire adult life with this one guy.  I understand your fear and hesitation, but I think you know deep down what you need to do.  The person you wanted to be with when you were young and dumb at 20 isn't necessarily the person you should be with when it is time to settle down and start a family.  God knows mine wasn't... ugh, what a looser. 

    Besides, wouldn't you rather do this now then in 5-10 years when you have a couple of kids together?

  • He's had 5 years to prove to you what kind of man he is.  He's sending you a very quiet, non-confrontational message.  In case you can't figure out what his message is, I'll help you:

    "I like living with you and sleeping with you.  I even pretty much like hanging out with you most of the time, but I do not want a committed relationship with you.  I'm not planning on marrying you."

    He doesn't want to come right out and say that to your face, because he knows that's not what you want to year.  But that's what his actions (or lack of them) are saying.

    DTMFA.  Good luck to you in finding a guy who is more in keeping with what you want.

  • Thanks so much for the advice!  It has really given me a lot to think about and has for sure given me that extra something to make a decision.  I just hope it will all work out for the best!
  • I've been in your shoes, at about the same age.  I just watched my sister live through the same thing. 

    I can promise you that if you end this relationship, you'll look back from a few years out and think, "Whew!"

    If you don't end it, you're pretty much experiencing right now what the rest of your life will be like.

  • When he says this, and you say "Okay, I'm settled in my career right now, and am ready for marriage", what is his response?  I'm not saying everyone else isn't right about his intentions, but I think there's a communication problem here too.
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  • That's what I'm afraid of!  I have never been one to settle for less than what I feel i deserve.  I don't want this to be it for me.  I guess I've tried so hard to change him and never realized that's what I was doing until a few months ago.  It's hard, but I know I can make it through it.  It's just getting the guts to pack it up and leave. 
  • His response is always, "We have different out looks on life."  I have no idea what that means!  And he doesn't know how to explain it.
  • I see.  Yeah, then he's saying his outlook is that he doesn't want to marry you.
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  • His response is always, "We have different out looks on life."  I have no idea what that means!  And he doesn't know how to explain it.
    Yeah... he just isn't in to you enough to marry you. He's comfortable, so he's not going to break up.  He's fine w/ the status quo.

    I can't ditto enough the person who said something about "don't let "I've been w/ him for 5 years, I have to make this work" keep you w/ him for no other reason" enough.  Being together a long time is NOT a reason to force a square peg into a round hole.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I always thought this would be the man I would marry. 
    Also, what does this really even mean? 

    I'm going to be kind of blunt here - early 20's seems to be a time when many girls start really dreaming about getting married because they are an "adult" now, and the first guy that comes along, they jump on, start dating, start getting serious, and then it's "he's the one I'm gonig to marry" - and I think 1/2 the time it's more about the dream of the big wedding than it really is about the reality of marrying THAT specific guy.

    I really have to wonder if this is where you may fall.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • His response is always, "We have different out looks on life."  I have no idea what that means!  And he doesn't know how to explain it.

    He doesn't have to "explain" it, he's actually being pretty obvious.

    You are telling him that you want to be and are ready to be married.  His answer is that he has a different outlook on life. 

    That's a passive-aggressive, beat-around-the-bush way of saying "I'm not ready/don't want to get marrried".

    So you need to decide what YOU want for YOUR life.........would you be happier to stay with this guy even if it meant continuing things exactly the way they are right now?  Or would you be happier being with a man who wanted to marry you and buy a house with you and have a family with you?

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  • I think the title of your post says it all.  You're ready to move forward.  Your BF isn't.  This is how exBF's get created.  Sorry.  You'll feel much better once you've decided to move forward (and on with the rest of your life).
  • End it and find someone that actually wants to be with you.  And, for the love of jeebus, do not enter into any financial contract with this man (buy a house together, etc).
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  • first of all, GET YOUR E MAIL ADDRESS OFF YOUR SCREEN NAME!  This is the interwebz, there are crazies here.

    He's not ready. You are.  Wait around or leave.  There really aren't other options.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • I would definitely move on. I understand that feeling of being with someone so long that you feel there must be a reason, and you don't want to give up. But, if you can see NOW that there are major differences of opinion, you need to stand up for yourself and go. I unfortunately couldn't see these things years ago (due to serious depression), and am dealing with similar issues in an 11 year relationship. It's not nearly as easy of a decision now.

     

    Good luck. 

  • It sounds like he probably takes you for granted.

    Say that you need certain things in your life or you can't stay with him.  Painful as it is, he probably doesn't realize how much you NEED those things.  If he can't give that to you, he can't, and nothing YOU do can change that.  I know that is harsh, but it wasn't until my SO and I almost broke up did he realize that he had been taking me for granted, and took for granted everything I brought to his life.  He had been freaked out about committing to a future, and once he faced losing me, he realized that he didn't want to go through life without me.  He's now really content and excited to spend our lives together, but it took something extreme for him to realize it or come to that conclusion.  If he can't give those things to you, there isn't anything you can change in him unless HE comes to that conclusion himself.  Sucks I know, I thought I'd lose my SO, and now we're talking about marriage, kids, and the rest of our lives in a really positive way.  Good luck.

  • I have been there. Especially since I loved him and it could have been great. But our goals and values really were different. I was so scared that by giving up him, I would be missing out. Turns out about a year later I met my current H who is wonderful and a much better fit for me! Good luck with your decision, I know how hard it is!
  • everyone's responses have been so amazing!!!  thank you so much for all the advice!  I def feel more comfortable knowing that so many of you have been in such a similar situation and have come out on top and met your true match!  I think I can now make a much better, more educated decision about what I want and where I need to be so that I can be happy!
  • I just want to ditto PPs but also share something my stepdad told me when I was in your same situation, at around the same age.

    He said something to the effect of, "When I met your mother, I couldn't stop telling her how much I loved and appreciated her. I remember wanting to ask her to marry me so much that I couldn't wait to hear her answer. When she said yes, I couldn't wait until the day came that we would be married. And now, I thank God every day for bringing her into my life because I think she is the most wonderful, caring, beautiful woman in the world, and I think I'm the luckiest man in the world. If [XBF] doesn't feel that way about you and let you know that, maybe he's  crazy or stupid, but either way you deserve better."

    XBF and I had broken up within a month after that conversation. Soon afterwards, I met DH and realized what I had been missing!

  • You definitely need to sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend about all of this.  Talk to him about your goals, hopes, concerns, etc., and ask him to tell you his.  See if you guys are on the same page or not.  If you both seem to have different goals, etc., it may be time to re-evaluate your situation with him and decide for yourself what will make you happy.
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