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Filing BK and DH buys TV's

I posted this under Money Matters too but really need advice.  Need Help!!  Extremely stressed about money and need advice.

I stay at home with our 5 month old baby.  Husband works very hard for our family.  Were living in Vegas, husband lost home and business and I got laid off.  Moved back to husband's home town and renting house from his parents.

Our rent is always late.  I am juggling credit cards to avoid interest rates.  Each time a bill comes in it gets added to the stack and waits to get paid.  Just about everything for our baby are hand-me-downs.  I have been wearing the same pair of contacts for almost 2 years.  They are month desposables!  I have no health insurance.  Husband is filing for bankruptcy.  We are barely squeeking by with our bills.  I withdrew from my very small IRA to pay off my car to save on the payment each month.  I have one credit card that was zero % until July on 2010.  However, since we did not pay on time, they have called the interest due which is almost 30%!  I went out of town for my sister's wedding and came home to find 2 brand new tv's.  Which I am not surprised.  He had been talking about it and knew I did not agree with him.

I do not know what to do.  Part of me wants to say okay, if he is not concerned about our financial health then why should I be.  But, that is stupid and will further drown us.  But, I can't continue to stress about the money while he makes stupid decisions like this and puts us further in debt.  It's 4am and I am crying and stressed while he is sleeping soundly.  He knows the financial situation we are in and he knows I think that it was not right to buy the tv's but he does not care!

I told him I love him and he works so hard he derserves the tv's but right now there are more important things to spend that money on.  He listened but we still have the tv's and a stack of bills.  I just don't know how to handle this.  Please help !

«1

Re: Filing BK and DH buys TV's

  • No he doesn't DESERVE a TV.  Working hard does not = deserving a TV. 

    Frankly  unless he "sees the light" and changes his ways you are in for a lifetime of this.  If filing BK doesn't get him to see the light then what will?

    You have to decide whether this is how you want to live.  And if not, what are you going to do about it?  Will he go to financial counseling?  Marriage counseling?  If not, that is a big red flag.

  • sooo, why do you still have the TVs?

    I think you both need some counseling--him to find out what is driving him to this and you to find out why you're putting up with it. 

    (and...if, in spite of his hard work, you're drowning, perhaps you *cant* be a SAHM.  Guess what...a lot of the rest of the world has to use daycare, youi may have to join those ranks.

    And I do wonder if that's part of where this is stemming from..."why should I work my tail off and deny myself everything so she doesn't have to work?")

  • I would suggest finding a financial planner. 

    Your husband sounds clueless about money, filing for bankruptcy and then going out and buying 2 tv's? this doesn't make ANY sense...why you even own a credit card does not make sense if you're taking money out of your IRA to pay for your car (I would have paid off the credit card and kept the car payments coming (usually the interest for car payments are at least a little better...)

    Before your husband even files for bankruptcy you should visit a financial planner (I believe you can only file once so you need to make sure that this is the right option) and if you're going to do something so drastic you need to BOTH understand how not to get so indept again.

    Money is HUGE in relationships...if you're both not on the same page about it it could really hurt your marriage.

     

  • and...if, in spite of his hard work, you're drowning, perhaps you *cant* be a SAHM.  Guess what...a lot of the rest of the world has to use daycare, youi may have to join those ranks.

     

    and ditto to this as well...

  • image Sabrina121:

    and...if, in spite of his hard work, you're drowning, perhaps you *cant* be a SAHM.  Guess what...a lot of the rest of the world has to use daycare, youi may have to join those ranks.

     

    and ditto to this as well...

    I ditto as well.  Staying at home is a luxury, not a right.  If you have bills you have to pay and a lifestyle you have to maintain, it's your job to work to do so.  I know you said on MM that your H works inconsistent hours... but you can figure out someway to find a job working when he is home.  Or as others mentioned- you can babysit other kids during the day.   

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • You've been wearing the same pair of contacts for TWO YEARS and he bought two brand new TVs?!? I'm sure the fact that he "deserves" them will comfort you when you go blind from an eye infection. 
  • To me your relationship problems are bigger than your financial problems. I would be both shocked and livid beyond belief if my husband did something like this... honestly for me this would be worth divorcing over. His spending behavior shows that he is not taking his role as father or husband seriously AT ALL. I could never be married to someone who values new televisions more than having proper healthcare for his wife.
  • image imoan:
    image Sabrina121:

    and...if, in spite of his hard work, you're drowning, perhaps you *cant* be a SAHM.  Guess what...a lot of the rest of the world has to use daycare, youi may have to join those ranks.

     

    and ditto to this as well...

    I ditto as well.  Staying at home is a luxury, not a right.  If you have bills you have to pay and a lifestyle you have to maintain, it's your job to work to do so.  I know you said on MM that your H works inconsistent hours... but you can figure out someway to find a job working when he is home.  Or as others mentioned- you can babysit other kids during the day.   

    Honestly though, unless she is making decent money at her job, daycare might end up being the majority (or all) of her paycheck.  A woman I work with is paying $205 a week for daycare for a 3 mo old.  It's not a fancy daycare either...it's a church daycare. 

    While I agree that her working might be necessary, it might also not be worth it if she isn't even coming out ahead dollarwise.

    Ok...I just read the inconsistant hours.  If she can get a job only during those hours, it sounds like that's what needs to be done. 

    How did you get into so much debt if you are renting off of his parents?  You paid off your car.  What expenses do you have?  Is it all unecessary purchases such as TVs?  Or is it stuff like medical bills and necessities?

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  • Also, why in the world did he feel that you needed TWO TVs?  One would piss me off, but 2 would make me rethink my marriage.

    It's like he did it just to spite you.  I have a feeling that there are other marital problems that have nothing to do with money.

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  • Morty- I think you stopped reading my post after "staying at home is a luxury, not a right". I continued on to say that she should find a job on the opposite schedule as her H so someone is always home with the kid.  Or she can take in children to babysit during the day.

    I realize that daycare costs a lot of money.  You have other options to get a job if you can't afford daycare. The people who do it usually are the people who want to enjoy family time.  Which is all great and good--- but this time is ALSO a luxury that these people can not currently afford.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image imoan:

    Morty- I think you stopped reading my post after "staying at home is a luxury, not a right". I continued on to say that she should find a job on the opposite schedule as her H so someone is always home with the kid.  Or she can take in children to babysit during the day.

    I realize that daycare costs a lot of money.  You have other options to get a job if you can't afford daycare. The people who do it usually are the people who want to enjoy family time.  Which is all great and good--- but this time is ALSO a luxury that these people can not currently afford.

    I had added to it after I re-read your first post.  I hadn't realized her DH had the type of schedule where she could get random hours in other than evenings or weekends.

    Still, I don't think it would be worth it to her to work if she can't use her DH (or someone inexpensive) to watch her child.

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  • image Mortomo:
    image imoan:

    Morty- I think you stopped reading my post after "staying at home is a luxury, not a right". I continued on to say that she should find a job on the opposite schedule as her H so someone is always home with the kid.  Or she can take in children to babysit during the day.

    I realize that daycare costs a lot of money.  You have other options to get a job if you can't afford daycare. The people who do it usually are the people who want to enjoy family time.  Which is all great and good--- but this time is ALSO a luxury that these people can not currently afford.

    I had added to it after I re-read your first post.  I hadn't realized her DH had the type of schedule where she could get random hours in other than evenings or weekends.

    Still, I don't think it would be worth it to her to work if she can't use her DH (or someone inexpensive) to watch her child.

    No, I definitely agree.  I would NEVER recommend her seek a job where she needed traditional daycare. I realize that it would negate any income she got from the potential job.  But she needs to figure something out.  I know it sucks... you want to be home at night with your entire family, but there are so many families that just can't afford that luxury.  Eventually the need to do that will go away--- but when you're considering BANKRUPTCY... it's the time to put the luxuries away, put your nose to the grindstone and plow through. 

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • The OP said in her MM post that only the H is filing BK and she has some separate assets (or debts, as it were). I truly think she should cut herself loose from that sinking ship, for the sake of her child at least. I understand that she feels like she has no resources as a new mom, but it's not like the husband is helping her at all.
  • image ibis:
    To me your relationship problems are bigger than your financial problems. I would be both shocked and livid beyond belief if my husband did something like this... honestly for me this would be worth divorcing over. His spending behavior shows that he is not taking his role as father or husband seriously AT ALL. I could never be married to someone who values new televisions more than having proper healthcare for his wife.
    Ditto.  And the fact that YOU are actually trying to justify these Tv's (TWO, not one, but TWO!!!!) by saying he "deserves" them.

    No wonder you all are in the position you're in!  I have a feeling a lot more was purchased over the years w/ this mentality. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Let me tell you my TV story, DH is a TV news nut and watches more than one channel at once. So he went out and bought 2 new TVs without discussing it cos he new I wouldnt think it was a good idea.

    We both work full time, we dont have big time financial issues and could easily have afforded the TVs, but they went back to the store once he got the fact that spending a 5 grand without discussing it first is a real easy way to have marriage problems.

     

  • Did he buy the TVs with a credit card?   Cash? 

    I would call the store and inquire about their return policy.   And I would take them back.   You simply cannot afford them, and if they're on a credit card, you'll be paying even more in interest. 

    Has your DH filed for bankruptcy yet?   I'm guessing he bought the TVs on a credit card, and then thinks he's going to have that debt wiped clean through the bankruptcy so he'll never have to pay for them.   Is that his thinking?  

    Personally,  I'd re-think your marriage.  Your DH just hasn't made one bad financial decision.   He displays a complete lack of financial responsibility and a lack of shame/remorse about it.   He seems to have no inclination to do better in the future.   If you stay, you're in for a lifetime of this kind of crap.   You'll never have a retirement set aside.   You'll never have a month where you're not worried about bills.   You'll always be wasting money on high interest rates and unfavorable loan terms. 

    If you want to save your marriage, you may have to become the money babysitter.   Your DH gets no access to the money.   None.   All the accounts are in your name, he does not get a credit card, and you keep him on an allowance.   He can use his allowance as he sees fit, but doesn't get to buy more than that.    Yeah, it sounds like the kind of rules you'd use on a 13 year old kid, and I don't think a grown person should have to do that, but it may be necessary. 

  • Holy crap hon. I'm not one to throw out the counseling card immediately, but you both need some counseling. Pronto.

  • If he purchases two tvs and is able to sleep soundly while you have no heath insurance and a child, it sounds like he has some deeply rooted issues.  I can't even express how dangerous this situation is--you are in for a lifetime of getting a pit in your stomach every time the phone rings, because it may be a bill collector.  If you can't get through to your husband, you need to leave before he drags you down with him. 

     

  • What have been your conversations like regarding all of this? What does your husband say?

    The reason I would consider divorce here (or at least one of the reasons) is so that your name is not attached to his bad credit and financial problems.

    My dad did something similar (though WAAAYYY worse) to my mom, and because my mom didn't get a divorce right away, all of it stayed under her name and she lost everything (including having to file for bankruptsy under her name).  That stayed with her for 10 years. 

    Had she divorced him when it all happened she would have been able to keep half of everything and we wouldn't have had to go on welfare.

    She didn't know better at the time...but you do.  For the sake of your child, separate your name from this man.

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  • This is what I asked on MM:

    image livinitup:

    What did your DH say when you said he needed to return the TV's?

    Sounds like you need to find some work and child care. At least until you can afford new contacts and new glasses.  Your eyes can get badly scratched for wearing your disposable contacts for so long.

    I am still waiting for a reply.  You mentioned that he had a hot temper on any unpleasant topics.  What did he say when you said the TVs were going back?  Have they been returned yet?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.
  • image Christ-Anna:
    He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.

    I'm sorry to tell you, but I think you have your answer. 

    This man is not a good husband.   I'd see a lawyer if I were you.   

  • image Christ-Anna:
    He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.

    So what are you going to do?

    I've already said what I would do.

  • image Christ-Anna:

    I posted this under Money Matters too but really need advice.  Need Help!!  Extremely stressed about money and need advice.

    I stay at home with our 5 month old baby.  Husband works very hard for our family.  Were living in Vegas, husband lost home and business and I got laid off.  Moved back to husband's home town and renting house from his parents.

    Our rent is always late.  I am juggling credit cards to avoid interest rates.  Each time a bill comes in it gets added to the stack and waits to get paid.  Just about everything for our baby are hand-me-downs.  I have been wearing the same pair of contacts for almost 2 years.  They are month desposables!  I have no health insurance.  Husband is filing for bankruptcy.  We are barely squeeking by with our bills.  I withdrew from my very small IRA to pay off my car to save on the payment each month.  I have one credit card that was zero % until July on 2010.  However, since we did not pay on time, they have called the interest due which is almost 30%!  I went out of town for my sister's wedding and came home to find 2 brand new tv's.  Which I am not surprised.  He had been talking about it and knew I did not agree with him.

    I do not know what to do.  Part of me wants to say okay, if he is not concerned about our financial health then why should I be.  But, that is stupid and will further drown us.  But, I can't continue to stress about the money while he makes stupid decisions like this and puts us further in debt.  It's 4am and I am crying and stressed while he is sleeping soundly.  He knows the financial situation we are in and he knows I think that it was not right to buy the tv's but he does not care!

    I told him I love him and he works so hard he derserves the tv's but right now there are more important things to spend that money on.  He listened but we still have the tv's and a stack of bills.  I just don't know how to handle this.  Please help !

    He's selfish, but I am sure that you know that. Something that really concerned me in your MM post is that you said he gets angry whenever you express something that is unpleasant. How do handle general disagreements? Do you have to walk on eggshells?

    Where did he get the cash to even buy the TV's? Why aren't your contacts his concern as well?

    I really think that you should find someone else to stay with, at least for a time.

    If you would like you can come over to TIP. There are lots of ladies that I am sure would be willing to talk to you about this. I am very sorry that you are going through this tough time.

     

     

  • Can you take the TVs back? I would seriously do this, wuthout him, if you have any way of doing so. Use the money to buy some glasses/contacts and pay off some of those bills. Do you have someplace you can go if you leave him? He's not acting like a husband. I seriously can't imagine staying in this situation with a man who shows so little respect and concern for his family. I really think that, if he is making such irresponsible decisions, won't talk them over with you, etc etc you need to consider divorce.
  • image Christ-Anna:
    He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.

    I wonder if you can return the TVs yourself while he is at work? 

    Do you have anyone you can stay with?   I'm looking at your DD's picture, and she is just so precious.   I think it's terrible that your DH is putting you through this.    He does not have his priorities straight.   He's jeopardizing the future for his wife and baby and he doesn't care.   And to make matters worse, you can't even discuss this with him like an adult because he gets angry!  

  • image Christ-Anna:
    He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.

    This seems like just as good a time as any to take a stand.  Heck, its TIME to say "enough".  You've made it petty clear to me in your post that you two are drowning in debt and the lack of awareness and on-time payments are getting you deeper and your DH is inappropriatley spending while planning a bankruptcy.  You know, more than HALF of bankruptcy filers accrue the SAME debt in less than 2 years.  Your DH is going to be one of those people, withno option to file BK again - then what? You made it clear to ME.  You can get it clear with your DH, too.

    Take your stand now.  And don't cave.  And don't stop until he returns those TVs and prioritizes how to pay down debt, bills, and future purchases (like your contacts).  Unless and until he does that, I think you should NOT let this blow over.  Face his fury with your own. Your CHILD is depending on you to get her out of this mess. This is no kind of home to raise a baby.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Wow... this hurts my heart. My ex used to do the same things and he had me so brainwashed then he blew through MY trust fund left to me by my deceased parents. I finally got the will to leave him before he dragged me any further down into his misery. by this point we were homeless. Please for the sake of your child do not let yourself get in such a bad state. My t&p are with you!
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  • I posted this under Money Matters too but really need advice.  Need Help!!  Extremely stressed about money and need advice.

    I stay at home with our 5 month old baby.  Husband works very hard for our family.  Were living in Vegas, husband lost home and business and I got laid off.  Moved back to husband's home town and renting house from his parents.

    Our rent is always late.  I am juggling credit cards to avoid interest rates. 

    Each time a bill comes in it gets added to the stack and waits to get paid.  Just about everything for our baby are hand-me-downs.  I have been wearing the same pair of contacts for almost 2 years.  They are month desposables!  I have no health insurance.  Husband is filing for bankruptcy.  We are barely squeeking by with our bills.  I withdrew from my very small IRA to pay off my car to save on the payment each month.  I have one credit card that was zero % until July on 2010.  However, since we did not pay on time, they have called the interest due which is almost 30%!  I went out of town for my sister's wedding and came home to find 2 brand new tv's.  Which I am not surprised.  He had been talking about it and knew I did not agree with him.

    I do not know what to do.  Part of me wants to say okay, if he is not concerned about our financial health then why should I be.  But, that is stupid and will further drown us.  But, I can't continue to stress about the money while he makes stupid decisions like this and puts us further in debt.  It's 4am and I am crying and stressed while he is sleeping soundly.  He knows the financial situation we are in and he knows I think that it was not right to buy the tv's but he does not care!

    I told him I love him and he works so hard he derserves the tv's but right now there are more important things to spend that money on.  He listened but we still have the tv's and a stack of bills.  I just don't know how to handle this.  Please help !

    HE DOES NOT "DESERVE 2 TVs."

    I'd have sent those fuuucken TVs back to whence they came and if he didn't like it? TOUGH on his ass.

    I strongly suspect that 1-This guy has no clue what the value of a dollar is or 2-He has a spending addiction.

    He is neglecting your needs to do what, buy some crap that he doesn't need or want? he's got a deficiency in his character, along with a deficiency in how to save and spend a dollar.

    He also went out and did what he wanted to do after you and he discussed the fact that 2 new TVs were not needed; you have a THIRD problem: a jerk who disregards your opinion and does not make decisions in tandem with you -- you are supposed to be A TEAM.

    I don't know how much money he is making but there is a great deal at play here -- this guy's spending money that you and he do not have and he is spending it on material items you and he cannot afford.

    I'd give him exactly a month to get his sh!t together and if he doesn't comply, I'd pack it the hell in -- make it clear that the marriage is over if he doesn't get his financial act together.

     What you are seeing here is a preview of your life together with him for good. There's never going to be any change here; this leech will not only drag you further into debt -- he will also continue to act like you are not in the picture and he will keep on doing what he wants.

    And as you can see, he is indeed doing whatever the eff he wants...

    He said he is not returning the TV's.  I got home late Saturday night.  It has been an issue since and the TV's are still here.

    You return them or your BREAK those effing TVs.

    No way should you be putting up with his bullshit.

    Again: Make it clear that he gets his sh!t together -- both as a husband and a provider -- or you are out the door and you take your child with you. What the hell is here for you? upcoming financial entropy? a "husband" who doesn't care about his wife or child???

    And why don't you have health insurance? WOW...you have a small child, too: what happens if either one of you needs a physician and/or hospitalization is needed????

    There are so many things wrong with this "marriage" that it's mind blowing:

    He's spending out his arse and buying items that are not needed
    He is neglecting YOUR needs; this says a lot about his damn lack of character
    He does the hell what he wants to do; he disregards what you say and ask
    YOU are in denial about his behavior -- wtf do you mean "he deserves the TVs"????

    There is positively nothing here for you; I strongly suggest you ask yourself if this marriage should continue. Should take you all of 5 seconds to get the answer.

     

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