Family Matters
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Parents getting divorced as we're planning wedding

We got engaged June 21 and set the wedding date for July 31, 2010. On July 25, my parents announced they are getting a divorce. As things between them have deteriorated over the past two months, I, and my wedding have been thrown more and more into the middle. The first month we were engaged my mom was so into the planning that she drove me crazy wanting to talk about it all the time. Now (understandably) she wants nothing to do with it and has flat out told me she's dreading my wedding. On top of that, she and my sister (who is my MOH) are both furious that I'm still talking to my dad and trying to remain neutral. They want me to cut him out of my life completely.

 I feel selfish for worrying about my wedding while they're dealing with so much but it's something I only plan to do once and I am afraid it's going to be ruined. Part of me wants to just call it off until things calm down but that's not fair to my fiance, we would lose several deposits and, most importantly, it's hard enough waiting that long, let alone even longer. I've thought about making it a smaller day but we'd still have our families there so the issue would remain the same.

 ANY advice or help would be appreciated.

Re: Parents getting divorced as we're planning wedding

  • It's not selfish to want your family to be able to behave like adults at a happy function.

    For now, as it's still very raw, just don't discuss it with your Mom. 

    Why are they so adamant that you have to choose sides anyway?  Was there abuse?

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It is your life and your wedding, and you get to make the decisions.  It is unfair of your parents to expect you to rearrange your life to revolve around their drama.

    I think you need to sit down with your mother and tell her "Mom I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now.  If you cannot help me with my wedding planning, I understand.  However I am not going to postpone the wedding because of your pending divorce."  She will either help you plan your wedding or she won't.  It isn't going to kill you either way.  If she can't help without making snide comments about how much she is dreading the event, I think you need to stop involving her.  Let her throw her pitty party, you don't have to go.

    For the Dad situation... I'm going to assume they are divorcing because neither of them were being as nice, loving, and attentive as they should have been.  If this is the case I would tell your mother and your sister that "He is still my father and I am not going to cut him out of my life because your/their marriage fell apart.  I am sorry that you/they are getting divorced, but that doesn't mean I have to give up my relationship with him.  Please stop trying to put me in the middle of your/their drama.  It is really none of my business and I don't care to involve myself more than absolutely necessary."

  • First of all, I'm very sorry you're having to go through this with your family.

    Secondly, I guess I wouldn't let my parents' decision have control over my own nuptials, if I were you.  It kind of sucks - your mom is in the very midst of her own marital crisis, so I can see how it'd be hard for her to muster up excitement for yours.  However, that's no reason for her to verbalize to you that she's "dreading" your wedding - way to pour a cold bucket of water over her own daughter trying to be excited about her own coming marriage, right?

    As far as them being furious at you for not cutting out your own father - I'd tell them (nicely) they can shove it.  They can choose how and to what extent they are angry at your father, but they have no cause to dictate to you that you need to follow suit.  He may very well deserve anger, but even if you weren't getting married, it's absolutely up to you to decide what your relationship with him is in the wake of the divorce announcement.  Your mom, at the very least, needs to keep you out of it. 

    I guess if I were you I'd do two things:  press forward with wedding planning but be prepared to do it without your mom and/or your sis, and get into some counseling STAT.  Divorce of one's parents is tough enough as it is, but it's happening during such an uproarious time, it certainly can't hurt to find an objective and wholly-unrelated sounding board and seek counsel on how best to proceed.

    GL!

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • Honestly, how dare your family pull this on you.

    They would rather be miserable with themselves than happy for you.  They would rather make your wedding about all the problems in their life than about the happy times in your life.  They can't put aside their own anger for half an hour to help you plan your wedding.

    Are you paying for the wedding yourselves?  If so, I'd stop relying on your mother and your sister right now, and start relying on your friends, your MIL, anyone else for help planning.

    OH, and let your mom and your sister that you're sorry, but you're not taking sides, and that if they can't put aside their anger for the sake of your wedding, then they can keep themselves, and their anger, at home.

    I'm sorry for your troubles.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • I'm really sorry that you're in this position.

    This situation is not just about your wedding, although weddings do tend to bring out the crazies in ppl. You need to set boundries with you mom and your sister. What they're demanding is unreasonable. You're an adult and have your own relationship with your dad. Make it clear that you won't get drawn into their drama. Tone down the wedding if you can, out of sensitivity to your mom. And trust your own judgment and don't let anyone bully you into doing things their way. There's not much you can do besides hoping that your mom and sister will come to their senses and act maturely. If they don't then it's their problem, not yours.

  • Well, first of all, I'm sorry this is happening to your family.

    I don't know the circumstances behind your parents' divorce, but the fact that you, your mom and your sister are so divided on how to handle your father is unfortunate, to say the least. During a crisis, some people believe that a family as a whole needs to have a united front (and therefore make all of the same decisions) out of some kind of loyalty. But the truth is, you need to do what is right for you. If having your father in your life while trying to stay neutral is what you want/need, it's what you should do. Your sister and mother have a right to their feelings and their decisions, just as you have a right to yours. But I do think that if this continues to be a source of tension, you may have to make the topic of your father and your relationship with him off-limits. They don't have to like your choice - but they do have to respect it. You may want to refuse to engage in these conversations about what you 'should' be doing, since you're not likely to change your mind.

    I also think that if you choose to go forward with this wedding, you will have to accept that your mother is just not equipped to be there for you in the way that she or you had initially planned. Do you have many friends outside of the situation who can be there for you/support you through the planning? If you don't, you may want to consider postponing the wedding, so that it can take place at a less emotionally charged time. I know I'm not much help, but these are some things for you to consider. Good Luck.

  • image sprky79:

    Honestly, how dare your family pull this on you.

    They would rather be miserable with themselves than happy for you.  They would rather make your wedding about all the problems in their life than about the happy times in your life.  They can't put aside their own anger for half an hour to help you plan your wedding.

    Are you paying for the wedding yourselves?  If so, I'd stop relying on your mother and your sister right now, and start relying on your friends, your MIL, anyone else for help planning.

    OH, and let your mom and your sister that you're sorry, but you're not taking sides, and that if they can't put aside their anger for the sake of your wedding, then they can keep themselves, and their anger, at home.

    I'm sorry for your troubles.

    THIS

    They should all be able to step up, be adults and separate the two events.  I understand that?s it heart wrenching for your mom, but she needs to forget about her own stuff for a few hours a week and be your mother; the mother of the bride.

    My mom sort of did this to me.  I got engaged while my parent?s divorce was still raw (well, it?s been 6 years now and it?s STILL raw) and my mom?s attitude really ruined so much of that lovely time for me.  It?s so hard to get excited about finding the perfect wedding dress when your mom is looking at you like she wants to burn the dress and she?s mad to even be in the dress shop.

    Anyway, I feel your pain.  Try to look elsewhere (friends???) to share the excitement with. 

    Do you think your mom/dad/sister will boycott the wedding because they refuse to be in the same building with each other??

     

  • Been there done that.  My parents were going through a divorce when I was planning my wedding.  My mother couldn't stand my fathers side of the family that she actually told me that if any one of his family members make one false comment about her, she was going to call the police(on my wedding day). 

    Family members were taking sides and fights were breaking out to the point that I was like..."lets go to the courthouse", but like you said "It wouldn't be fair to DH"

    She also knew that my dad was helping me and DH pay for the wedding, so she told the judge that she didn't have enough money to live on her own and wondered if he could render her early alimony payment from my dads retirement pay.

    My advice, stay neutral. 

    Don't take sides. 

    Keep communication lines open with both parents.

    Plan your own wedding

    Don't let anything or anybody get in the way of your big day.

  • I understand what you're going through! I havea mess on my hands thats very similar & I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it myself. My husband's mother decided to file for divorce in the middle of our wedding planning. We got engaged Sept. 08, & just got married Sept. 25. 2009. Around April she decided one day she was going to get up & leave & move to her mothers & to be surrounded be ppl. "who care" about her? Since that day, she has said nothing to me except a quick hello one conversation she was having with my husband & has only talked about her issues. At my wedding she NEVER said one word to me, like congratulations, or welcome to the family - nadda! And now "suddenly", she's having a change of heart & wants to work things out w/ the Dad & move hm.

    I think she's bi-polar & toxic. Its the most bizarre situation ever! There have been so many issues she has created that I can right a sm. novel! I really don't want to even see her. She has hurt my husband tremenously & I am very hurt as well.

    I don't understand how ppl. can be so selfish & take this once in a lifetime time away, it will never be back!

    I always would ask myself - why couldn't they seperate & talk about their differences amongst themselves & if they want to continue with a divorce AFTER the wedding than do so?

    I tried saying that to my new FIL when some negative words came up about her in conversation. I tried saying its not fair to us to involve us. We're trying to be positive right now! Have you tried that with either of your parents?

    I don't think it's selfish of you one bit that you're concerned with your own wedding. God willing it only happens once, & its supposed to be the happiest time of your life! I feel as though my husband & I were robbed of that time, & I think if you don't speak up, you will be too. Open communication is the best!

    Good Luck!!

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