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I can't accept my sister's new girlfriend.

My sister recently started dating this girl and no matter how I try I just can't find a way to like her.  She seems kind of cold and has an attitude.

When my sister broke up with her last girlfriend our family was devastated, we all loved her like another sister and my mother referred to her as her DIL. She was friendly and funny and just such a great person. I guess it's hard to follow such a beloved person but just the way this new one acts....I can't explain it. I know I'm wrong for it but I can't help it.

Re: I can't accept my sister's new girlfriend.

  • She's the new girlfriend...you've accepted that.  You just don't like her (and you're comparing her to the ex...no one can ever compare to the ex, no matter what)

    You don't HAVE to like her.  You have to be polite to her.  ANd if, in a year they're still dating and you still really dislike her, then you worry.

    But you can' think she's a raging monster--we don't like everybody.

  • Oh, there's not doubt that my inability to like this girl is because she's not the ex. That's why I feel bad about it because my sister seems to be very happy with this girl.
  • Maybe she seems cold and has an attitude because you are clearly not welcoming her warmly into your life as your sister's gf. Even if you don't think your attitude toward her doesn't show, it does.
  • image casmgn:
    Maybe she seems cold and has an attitude because you are clearly not welcoming her warmly into your life as your sister's gf. Even if you don't think your attitude toward her doesn't show, it does.

    Maybe, I don't think I was showing any attitude but then again, maybe I did. That's why I know it's terrible of me.

  • Quit saying things like "I can't accept my sister's new girlfriend" and start saying things like "You know, it's taking me a while to warm up to Francine; I really miss Sally.". The former is giving yourself emotional permission to behave like a twit around Francine, since, after all, you 'cannot accept' her; while  the latter speaks precisely to what is really on your mind without overdramatizing and insulting anyone.

    Honestly. You don't have to like the girl; you have to be polite and pleasant to her. Surely you can manage that.

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  • And yes. You most certainly CAN help it; and for family harmony, I suggest you start trying. This is nonsense.
    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • ITA with Sue_Sue. You're choosing not to accept her and there is a good chance she is very aware of your cold feelings for her. You can't expect her to be warm and sweet with you when you feel the way you do about her.
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    Are you serious???
  • You are all absolutely right and just so everyone is clear, I would never let my sister know how I feel and I would never be nasty to the girl. She does seem cold and distant but that could just be how she is. My family is very big and huggy-kissy-touchy-feely so I can see how some people can be put off by it. I only met her once so I will have to see what happens as the holidays come and she spends more time with us.
  • She may very well be just a big honking bittch on wheels, too. That said, not your problem.
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  • Yeah, I'm with Sue_Sue.

     

    You can't help how you feel.  Honestly if she were that great, you'd probably like her more, even if you miss the ex. 

    I'm glad your sister is happy, but hold onto and file away for now those feelings you have about the new GF...they may come in surprisingly accurate at some point down the road, or you may laugh at them later.

     

  • image TupeloChick:
    You are all absolutely right and just so everyone is clear, I would never let my sister know how I feel and I would never be nasty to the girl. She does seem cold and distant but that could just be how she is. My family is very big and huggy-kissy-touchy-feely so I can see how some people can be put off by it. I only met her once so I will have to see what happens as the holidays come and she spends more time with us.
    You've only met her ONCE?  And you "can't accept" her?  Seriously?  ALL because she isn't the ex?

    As much as you want to say you aren't putting off an attitude.  I will bet you a million bucks that you went into that first meeting w/ a chip on your shoulder.  You went into it saying "She isn't the ex - I don't like her".  And I can GUARENTEE that the feeling she got from you all was not "huggy kissy" but "cold and distant".  There is NO WAY, w/ everything you have said here, that you did not come off as anything but "cold and distant" w/ her.

    Get over yourself and follow Sue_sue's advice.  She's spot on.

     

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  • image EastCoastBride:

    image TupeloChick:
    You are all absolutely right and just so everyone is clear, I would never let my sister know how I feel and I would never be nasty to the girl. She does seem cold and distant but that could just be how she is. My family is very big and huggy-kissy-touchy-feely so I can see how some people can be put off by it. I only met her once so I will have to see what happens as the holidays come and she spends more time with us.
    You've only met her ONCE?  And you "can't accept" her?  Seriously?  ALL because she isn't the ex?

    As much as you want to say you aren't putting off an attitude.  I will bet you a million bucks that you went into that first meeting w/ a chip on your shoulder.  You went into it saying "She isn't the ex - I don't like her".  And I can GUARENTEE that the feeling she got from you all was not "huggy kissy" but "cold and distant".  There is NO WAY, w/ everything you have said here, that you did not come off as anything but "cold and distant" w/ her.

    Get over yourself and follow Sue_sue's advice.  She's spot on.

     

    Completely agree with ECB - I can't believe you have only met her once! I figured you met her a bunch of times! You are absolutely ridiculous.
  • image GBCK:

    She's the new girlfriend...you've accepted that.  You just don't like her (and you're comparing her to the ex...no one can ever compare to the ex, no matter what)

    You don't HAVE to like her.  You have to be polite to her.  ANd if, in a year they're still dating and you still really dislike her, then you worry.

    But you can' think she's a raging monster--we don't like everybody.

    This, exactly.  Especially the ribbon.

  • image TupeloChick:
    You are all absolutely right and just so everyone is clear, I would never let my sister know how I feel and I would never be nasty to the girl. She does seem cold and distant but that could just be how she is. My family is very big and huggy-kissy-touchy-feely so I can see how some people can be put off by it. I only met her once so I will have to see what happens as the holidays come and she spends more time with us.

    Yes give it a chance definitley, from my experience my hubby and my bro did not get along in the beginning at all and now they are best friends i even get a little jealous.  :-)

     

  • I had to come back to this.  You've met her ONCE.  Have you never been nervous meeting people for the first time?  Do you think there is a chance that maybe, just MAYBE, she was nervous?  And wasn't 100% herself? 

    Cripes.  Talk about not giving a person a fighting chance.

    I'm sure your sister will really appreciate this glowing support she's getting from you.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Unless new g/f is blatantly rude to you or your sister in your presence, you can't do much about it without looking like a possessive a-hole. ?So try not to worry about it too much and try to stop thinking about the ex-girlfriend.
  • The good news is that you don't have to like her, only your sister does.  Most of us have family members or friends of friends with whom we don't "like" but spend time with.  It's important to be polite and open but you don't have to like everyone. 

    Could it impact your relationship with your sister?  Sure.  But that's within your control, too.  Don't let it and you'll survive. 

    And give this new one a break.  Coming into a new family is tough enough without being seen as the replacement to a beloved DIL.  "Beloved" is a pretty strong emotion.  That has to suck balls for her.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Give it some time.  See if you have a common interest you could talk about.  If it turns out that she's just not a nice person or you have nothing in common, just be polite to her.  It's okay not to be buddy-buddy with everyone in the family. 
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  • You know, my sisters last gf stabbed her in the shoulder. But my sis didn't break it off with her for months afterwards b/c she "loved" her. If I could be nice to that b*tch for 6 months to maintain access to my sister, you can damn well be polite to this chick.

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  • She is probably well aware of how much everyone loved the ex and was just very nervous.

    My IL's wanted DH to date my best friend and thought she was the best.  When DH and I started dating, I was well aware of these feelings and was very nervous and didn't know how to act because I knew they didn't like me but I didn't want to give them an actual reason not to like me.  I had no idea how to act and I probably came across as cold because everytime I entered a conversation, everyone would get really quite and kind of look at me and then pretended I didn't exist, so I stopped talking.

    Things got better once they actually made an effort to make me feel comfortable and realized that DH was very happy with me.

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  • I think after meeting her once that you are rushing it. you are putting expectations on her that are really unfair. give it some time and try not to be so closed minded. She will never be the prior gf that you all loved but equally she could be someone you love just as much. your family needs to move on from the notion of the ex gf and move on like your sister has.

    the final outcome you want your sister to be happy? then you need to give this a chance.

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