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"Doomed"

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Re: "Doomed"

  • I never insinuated that I was an expert. In fact, I'm going to school so that I can learn, not so I can run around yelling I'm an expert. I only mentioned that so you know that I know a little about basic mental development.

    I'm not missing the point, I understand what you are saying. But I still think it's silly to assume that because a person is under 25 and still growing/learning/developing then they can't possibly know who they are. The only point I want to make is that such a blanket statement "You are still maturing/developing/learning" is misleading and misguided.

    I see your point. But getting married at any age has it's own set of risks and choices. If I were to wait until I was twenty-six you could then turn around and tell me that I hadn't yet finished school, or become established as a professional, so it would be better to wait.

    As far as not knowing what I'm missing in college, I'm still going to college. My decision to get married has not changed that plan at all. And honestly, I could go to a classroom and get different opinions, I can read a book and get different opinions, I can speak with my co-workers and you ladies and get different opinions, and I can talk to the elderly and get different opinions. I don't have to go to college to gain insight on different opinions and points of view. All I have to have is an open mind and a willingness to learn.

     

     

  • image scherza:

    See, I love how the beebees all post that they're SOOOOOOOOO mature and they aren't missing out on a thing in college because the only thing they'd be missing is getting wasted at a party!

    News flash: not everybody in college who isn't married yet goes out and gets trashed and thinks it's cool.  I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I "went out" in college.  The experiences I had in classes studying interesting ideas and things I'd never have discovered on my own, or sitting up late with roommates and friends discussing life and philosophy, or studying abroad and traveling by myself -- those are irreplaceable.  And I would not have had some of those chances had I been married at 20 or 21, because I would have been going home to a husband and spending time establishing my marriage instead of establishing my selfhood.

    You don't know what you're missing because you aren't even old enough to know you're missing something.

    And it is the hell of a lot harder to establish a career and go to grad school when you're married, because you have the other person's needs and career and such to consider.  You can't just drop everything and take that great internship when you're married.  You can't say you'll move anywhere for a job when you have to consider what's best for the two of you.  And you can't assume that marriage isn't going to change your plans significantly.  

    Case in point: my SIL.  She got married at 21 and had plans to go to grad school and pursue a career as a college professor.  At 32, she hasn't stepped foot in a graduate class yet, and the closest she's gotten to teaching is a preschool classroom.  I'm not saying she has a crappy life and her marriage is a wreck, because neither of those things is true, but I am saying that if she'd waited a couple of years to get married and taken the time to put herself on the track she'd dreamed about, she could have had BOTH a career she loved and a happy marriage.

     

    Been there done that with the typical "college" experience. I hated it, it wasn't for me. My H has supported me immensly through school, without his support I don't know if I would have made it or be on the pretty decent career path I am on now.

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  • image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    See- this is what I'm talking about. A spinal cord injury is a terrible thing (my brother crushed C5-6 4 years ago and has been parlyzed ever since), but doesn't automatically make you ready for marriage. It changed his physical form, but it didn't change the core of who he is. He was no more or less mature/immature than he was the day before his accident.

    I TRULY hope your marriage lasts for 60 years (because I'd like to believe there's a great woman out there for my brother, too, who can overlook his physical differences and see his heart), but I still wouldn't want my children to marry at 19/20, regardless of what they and their partners went through together.

  • I'm finding this fascinating - mainly because mine is one of those marriages that you would all have undoubtedly written off as "doomed".

    I married young. I was 20, MH was 23. We're now 30 and 32 (nearly 33). I'd count our marriage as a success. We've generally been very happy, we both have good careers doing what we wanted to do before we married and we are both over the moon about our first child who is due at the beginning of April 2010.

    In the time we've been together I've seen a lot of marriages where people "followed the rules" - waited until they were late 20s / early 30s, were settled in careers, happily living together etc - fall apart. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why ours has lasted and have come up with the following:-

    1. Pure blind luck. We've avoided any real tragedy in our lives. All four parents are still alive. We got pregnant within 2 months of starting trying and (please god) Baby seems to be staying with us. We've never had any serious money or health issues.

    2.  Love. We love each other. Always have. I don't really believe in soulmates but I do think that the two of us are very well suited and for some reason just work. And that is a fact of the two of us whether we married at 20, 30, 40 or 50.

    3. Background. Our parents and family backgrounds are very similar. As a result I "get" his parents and he "gets" mine. Saves a lot of hassle. (All 4 of them are also nice people as well who are seem to genuinely want the two of us to be happy and are determined not to make difficult demands on us that could make that harder.)

    4.  Good old stubbornness. We knew a lot of people disapproved (although all 4 parents were happy) and were determined to make it work. It meant we went into situations with the knowledge that we needed to find a solution that we were both happy with as we were in this for life.

    5. We didn't rush into having children. (Pretty obvious by the fact that we've had our 9th anniversary and Baby isn't yet born!) It would have been so so easy to do so but that wasn't why we got married and we just weren't ready to add that kind of pressure to our lives.

    I don't think I was a particularly mature 20 year old when I married Paul. Or a particularly immature one. We were just in love and didn't see the point in waiting to start our lives until some point in the future
    when the world as a whole felt we were old enough. I also don't think that my list of things are the ultimate in how to make a marriage work but it's the best I can come up with. I don't think that every young marriage is going to end happily but I also don't think they are all doomed either.

    In the end - only time will tell. 

  • IMO, if a woman who is in her early twenties is planning on getting married, a good indicator if whether or not she is ready is how those who know her react.  If friends and family are hinting at the fact that she's not ready, she should consider their views. 

    Your family and friends really know you. They also have a good idea at your maturity level. And if they know the man you're going to marry well, and stand behind you, then maybe you truly are ready.  I know if somebody I knew and loved was jumping into a marriage too soon, I'd let her know.

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  • image wink568:

    IMO, if a woman who is in her early twenties is planning on getting married, a good indicator if whether or not she is ready is how those who know her react.  If friends and family are hinting at the fact that she's not ready, she should consider their views. 

    Your family and friends really know you. They also have a good idea at your maturity level. And if they know the man your going to marry well, and stand behind you, then maybe you truly are ready.  I know if somebody I knew and loved was jumping into a marriage too soon, I'd let her know.

    I agree. If our friends and family had had concerns, we would have sat down and listened to them. We would consider what they had to say, and determine if there was some truth/wisdom in their feelings. We wouldn't have to take their advice or put a hold on the wedding, but we would definately consider their words and their implications.

    It's a fine line, but if your too immature to even listen, then you have no business getting married. On the other side, if you're still going to mom & dad for help on every little issue, or get feelings of doubt/anger whenever someone expresses a concern, you have no business getting married then, either.

    In the end it comes down to the individual. Some people will make it, some won't. And that is regardless of your age, education, racial/ethnic background, religious persuaion, and income.

  • your = second person possessive

    you're = contracted form of you are

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  • image amanjay:
    image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    See- this is what I'm talking about. A spinal cord injury is a terrible thing (my brother crushed C5-6 4 years ago and has been parlyzed ever since), but doesn't automatically make you ready for marriage. It changed his physical form, but it didn't change the core of who he is. He was no more or less mature/immature than he was the day before his accident.

    I TRULY hope your marriage lasts for 60 years (because I'd like to believe there's a great woman out there for my brother, too, who can overlook his physical differences and see his heart), but I still wouldn't want my children to marry at 19/20, regardless of what they and their partners went through together.

     

    Maybe I need to share my story a little bit more. My husband and I met and started "dating" when we were 14. We got engaged 4 years later...then a month later he was in an auto accident. So I was engaged BEFORE his accident. Meaning...just because had had a SCI, didn't mean I thought I was ready for marriage. Obviously..I said yes BEFORE.

     And a SCI does truly change a person  and the core of who they are. My hubby still possesses many of his awesome qualities..but regardless if you want to think so or not...it changes you. Your whole life changes. MY whole life changed too.

     As far as college goes...

    I was in school when DH got into his accident. I was also working full-time. I wanted to be an accountant from when I was 10 years old. And prepared myself for that all through middle school, high school, and my job even. But sometimes, when you love someone unconditionally, you give up something that you wanted, and you create new goals. I quit school, I quit my job. I take care of him 24/7. TWENTYFOUR SEVEN...we are together. I literally am away for maybe an hour or two every month. But I get paid by his Insurance Co...very very well. Enough to take care of the both of us, own a house, cars, pay for private insurance, have a retirement plan, etc. So you can look at me and call me unsuccessful because I don't have a degree...but I think you're crazy for that.

     Who are you to determine whether or not I am successful or ready for marriage. If I feel successful...and I'm happy. What does age really have to do with it?

    <img src="http://tinyurl.com/5zl6rt" width=250><BR>
    May 3, 2008!
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  • image amanjay:
    image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    See- this is what I'm talking about. A spinal cord injury is a terrible thing (my brother crushed C5-6 4 years ago and has been parlyzed ever since), but doesn't automatically make you ready for marriage. It changed his physical form, but it didn't change the core of who he is. He was no more or less mature/immature than he was the day before his accident.

    I TRULY hope your marriage lasts for 60 years (because I'd like to believe there's a great woman out there for my brother, too, who can overlook his physical differences and see his heart), but I still wouldn't want my children to marry at 19/20, regardless of what they and their partners went through together.

     

    Maybe I need to share my story a little bit more. My husband and I met and started "dating" when we were 14. We got engaged 4 years later...then a month later he was in an auto accident. So I was engaged BEFORE his accident. Meaning...just because had had a SCI, didn't mean I thought I was ready for marriage. Obviously..I said yes BEFORE.

     And a SCI does truly change a person  and the core of who they are. My hubby still possesses many of his awesome qualities..but regardless if you want to think so or not...it changes you. Your whole life changes. MY whole life changed too.

     As far as college goes...

    I was in school when DH got into his accident. I was also working full-time. I wanted to be an accountant from when I was 10 years old. And prepared myself for that all through middle school, high school, and my job even. But sometimes, when you love someone unconditionally, you give up something that you wanted, and you create new goals. I quit school, I quit my job. I take care of him 24/7. TWENTYFOUR SEVEN...we are together. I literally am away for maybe an hour or two every month. But I get paid by his Insurance Co...very very well. Enough to take care of the both of us, own a house, cars, pay for private insurance, have a retirement plan, etc. So you can look at me and call me unsuccessful because I don't have a degree...but I think you're crazy for that.

     Who are you to determine whether or not I am successful or ready for marriage. If I feel successful...and I'm happy. What does age really have to do with it?

    <img src="http://tinyurl.com/5zl6rt" width=250><BR>
    May 3, 2008!
    <BR>
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  • And oopsie..sorry about the double post.
    <img src="http://tinyurl.com/5zl6rt" width=250><BR>
    May 3, 2008!
    <BR>
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt13d772.aspx[/img][/url]
  • image scherza:

    your = second person possessive

    you're = contracted form of you are

     

    Oops.  Embarrassed

     Fixed it.  Gosh, that's embarrassing. 

    First Blog! Critique Welcome!
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  • image kdenon01:
    image amanjay:
    image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    See- this is what I'm talking about. A spinal cord injury is a terrible thing (my brother crushed C5-6 4 years ago and has been parlyzed ever since), but doesn't automatically make you ready for marriage. It changed his physical form, but it didn't change the core of who he is. He was no more or less mature/immature than he was the day before his accident.

    I TRULY hope your marriage lasts for 60 years (because I'd like to believe there's a great woman out there for my brother, too, who can overlook his physical differences and see his heart), but I still wouldn't want my children to marry at 19/20, regardless of what they and their partners went through together.

     

    Maybe I need to share my story a little bit more. My husband and I met and started "dating" when we were 14. We got engaged 4 years later...then a month later he was in an auto accident. So I was engaged BEFORE his accident. Meaning...just because had had a SCI, didn't mean I thought I was ready for marriage. Obviously..I said yes BEFORE.

     And a SCI does truly change a person  and the core of who they are. My hubby still possesses many of his awesome qualities..but regardless if you want to think so or not...it changes you. Your whole life changes. MY whole life changed too.

     As far as college goes...

    I was in school when DH got into his accident. I was also working full-time. I wanted to be an accountant from when I was 10 years old. And prepared myself for that all through middle school, high school, and my job even. But sometimes, when you love someone unconditionally, you give up something that you wanted, and you create new goals. I quit school, I quit my job. I take care of him 24/7. TWENTYFOUR SEVEN...we are together. I literally am away for maybe an hour or two every month. But I get paid by his Insurance Co...very very well. Enough to take care of the both of us, own a house, cars, pay for private insurance, have a retirement plan, etc. So you can look at me and call me unsuccessful because I don't have a degree...but I think you're crazy for that.

     Who are you to determine whether or not I am successful or ready for marriage. If I feel successful...and I'm happy. What does age really have to do with it?

    Oh, I definitely think that each individual gets to decide what works for them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't feel disappointed if my own (hypothetical) children/brother/nieces didn't go through certain things (like college and living on their own), just like my parents are allowed to feel disappointed that I don't intend to have kids. I don't think you need to defend your decision---it works for you. It's just not a path I'd prefer that my loved ones take.

  • The OP asked a general questions, but the replies are specific to each person..."i was 22 and I'm fine"..."I was 19 and we are so happy".  Of course there are going to be exceptions to the rule.  And if marrying so young works for you (so far) then that's great for you.  But generally speaking, you're asking for trouble- one that could be avoided by just waiting a couple years.

    You can't begin to prove to anybody here that getting married when you haven't even finished college is a good idea.  You may be making it work because you got yourself in that situation but it's definitely not something you need to be recommending to others.

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  • image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    YAY!  My favorite... someone saying that even though they got married young, their marriage is a success.   And then you happen to take a look into their bio and realize that they've only been married for a year.  Yep--- ONE EFFING YEAR is a sign that you guys have a successful marriage.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image JennyUK:

    I'm finding this fascinating - mainly because mine is one of those marriages that you would all have undoubtedly written off as "doomed".

    I married young. I was 20, MH was 23. We're now 30 and 32 (nearly 33). I'd count our marriage as a success. We've generally been very happy, we both have good careers doing what we wanted to do before we married and we are both over the moon about our first child who is due at the beginning of April 2010.

    In the time we've been together I've seen a lot of marriages where people "followed the rules" - waited until they were late 20s / early 30s, were settled in careers, happily living together etc - fall apart. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why ours has lasted and have come up with the following:-

    1. Pure blind luck. We've avoided any real tragedy in our lives. All four parents are still alive. We got pregnant within 2 months of starting trying and (please god) Baby seems to be staying with us. We've never had any serious money or health issues.

    2.  Love. We love each other. Always have. I don't really believe in soulmates but I do think that the two of us are very well suited and for some reason just work. And that is a fact of the two of us whether we married at 20, 30, 40 or 50.

    3. Background. Our parents and family backgrounds are very similar. As a result I "get" his parents and he "gets" mine. Saves a lot of hassle. (All 4 of them are also nice people as well who are seem to genuinely want the two of us to be happy and are determined not to make difficult demands on us that could make that harder.)

    4.  Good old stubbornness. We knew a lot of people disapproved (although all 4 parents were happy) and were determined to make it work. It meant we went into situations with the knowledge that we needed to find a solution that we were both happy with as we were in this for life.

    5. We didn't rush into having children. (Pretty obvious by the fact that we've had our 9th anniversary and Baby isn't yet born!) It would have been so so easy to do so but that wasn't why we got married and we just weren't ready to add that kind of pressure to our lives.

    I don't think I was a particularly mature 20 year old when I married Paul. Or a particularly immature one. We were just in love and didn't see the point in waiting to start our lives until some point in the future
    when the world as a whole felt we were old enough. I also don't think that my list of things are the ultimate in how to make a marriage work but it's the best I can come up with. I don't think that every young marriage is going to end happily but I also don't think they are all doomed either.

    In the end - only time will tell. 

    THIS IS HYSTERICAL!  Thank you so much for posting this!

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image saoaklan:

    No, I didn't miss the point. I'm going to school for psychology, I know about the changes your brain goes through.

    But recent evidence is beginning to show that your brain really never stops changing. (Don't ask me to quote that, it was in an article about mental health and I don't remember which one) Some people feel that after 25 your brain has changed enough to warrant getting married.

    But my point is why draw the line there? When you know that you are continuing to change and that there is the very real possibility that you could change drastically after you turn 25, why not draw the line later? What is your reasoning for saying "Your 25, your brain has changed enough for you to know who you are"?

    Why does being 25 suddenly make risks acceptable?

    Oh good God.   I knew you were a teenager before I even clicked on your bio. 

    No one is saying you magically stop growing or changing at a certain age.    However, growth in its many categories (physical, mental, emotional, etc.) has sort of a....curve.    Your emotional and mental growth goes through huge spurts in your late teens and early twenties.   That happens to coincide with lifestyle changes you experience (e.g. going from living in a parent's house, to living in a quasi-supervised setting like a dorm room, to living completely on your own and paying your own way).     All of these life experiences have a hand in creating the person you turn into.   You can change so much during those years because you have the freedom to do so.   You have less freedom for total change as you get older.  

    Really it boils down to this.   Why make such a huge life decision when you're that young?   Why not wait a few years, confirm it's still exactly what you want, and then go for it?   There's no good reason to rush into marriage. 

  • image richzep:

    The OP asked a general questions, but the replies are specific to each person..."i was 22 and I'm fine"..."I was 19 and we are so happy".  Of course there are going to be exceptions to the rule.  And if marrying so young works for you (so far) then that's great for you.  But generally speaking, you're asking for trouble- one that could be avoided by just waiting a couple years.

    You can't begin to prove to anybody here that getting married when you haven't even finished college is a good idea.  You may be making it work because you got yourself in that situation but it's definitely not something you need to be recommending to others.

    I don't understand this whole obsession with college. I mean not everyone goes to college, not everyone even WANTS to go to college, so how can it be a prerequisite to marriage?
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  • image donnycornelius:

    Really it boils down to this.   Why make such a huge life decision when you're that young?   Why not wait a few years, confirm it's still exactly what you want, and then go for it?   There's no good reason to rush into marriage. 

     

    Not everyone has the luxury of being able to wait. I didn't. I mentioned this before if I had waited to get married and have children, I'd be SOL right now.

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  • image Hott4Teacher:
    image JillyWtP:

    Now lets have a debate about being young vs immature 

     

    I find THIS debate extremely interesting.  Personally, I just got married and am young.  My H is 7 years older.  While every situation is different, I feel as though my decision to marry was the right one.  However, a friend of mine got married soon after I did, and she is young also.  She is far less mature, and I feel as though her decision was poorly made.  Hypocricy?  Maybe.  But I still think it's interesting that some people can be ready in thier 20's and some people in thier 50's still wouldn't be able to handle being married.

    What do you all think of the age vs. immaturity debate?  Do you think youth automatically pairs with immaturity? 

    wow- this turned into a long thread! I was being kinda sarcastic by saying that, bc in the original post we were talking about younger people getting married, and thats always a debate, and this issue, too, is always a debate.... oops

    I do agree with OP that people are ready at different times, and "mature" at different times. But then we all have a different idea of what "mature" IS, some people think that means everything including: studied many things, traveled places, met many people, dated around, gotten various degrees, achieved certain career goals, balancing a checkbook, starting a family, having a good credit score...

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  • image imoan:
    image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    YAY!  My favorite... someone saying that even though they got married young, their marriage is a success.   And then you happen to take a look into their bio and realize that they've only been married for a year.  Yep--- ONE EFFING YEAR is a sign that you guys have a successful marriage.

     

    Old witch can't even read my other posts...we discussed this. Guess you didn't get around to your college level reading classes yet. You'll get there hunny...you'll get there.

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  • image imoan:
    image kdenon01:

    I hate to say it. But I think I am an exception to this. My husband and I have been through a lot TOGETHER...which is why marrying him at a young age was no big deal to me. I was 20, he was 19.

    We share a special bond that we do not share with anyone else. Although the divorce rates after a spinal cord injury are extremely high...I figured we made it through it, still in love...still going strong. And that's something most couple could not make it though.

    YAY!  My favorite... someone saying that even though they got married young, their marriage is a success.   And then you happen to take a look into their bio and realize that they've only been married for a year.  Yep--- ONE EFFING YEAR is a sign that you guys have a successful marriage.

    Maybe not a successful marriage... but surely a successful relationship after all they've been through.

     

    What would YOU catagorize as a successful marriage? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? Personally I don't think any marriage can really be deemed "successful" until death.  

    Mimi to May Babies: William Gabriel Martin '07, Morgan Ana Terese '10
    [IMG]http://i44.tinypic.com/1z5lzrs.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://sedf.lilyslim.com/Npc2m8.png?4FFbS3Lm[/IMG]
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