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DD seriously?

I just replied and went to look and it's gone... Was that seriously a DD? Stupid if it was... Nothing bad was even said!
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Re: DD seriously?

  • Of course something bad was said- she was being told that the issue might actually be mroe HER than her MIL.  And instead of coming back and perhaps trying to give us more insight, or even to say "thanks for the advice- it's a lot to think about", she took the chicken way out and DD'd. 

    For a newbie, bad move because it's not going to want me to be too eager to help her out the next time she posts because she might just delete that too!

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  • MIL & Vacation Issues: Need Advice

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    Okay for starters my MIL and I don't see eye to eye, the drama from the wedding has carried over and I still have resentment.  For example, she didn't make an active effort to hug me once during the wedding day, she blew off email questions about rehearsal, she fought me on a number of wedding issues (and I caved :( ), now she has an attitude with DH.  DH and I are heading out for vacation in a few days, visiting my parents at their summer home (my parents live in the middle east for work, and this is their vacation time as well).  MIL lives about 40 min from my family's summer home and works in the same city. 

    I asked DH this morning if we had plans to meet MIL for lunch during one of the days she is working in town or if she wants us to drive to her home to do something, his response was, "MIL just wants to come to your parents home for dinner some night."  I was fuming!  A) She feels that she can ask to come over as if we extended an offer, B) My parents are on vacation, back in the US for a select few weeks of the year, I am not going to ask them to host! 

    On top of it, MIL has been to the summer house twice, once when my parents were there and we invited her for dinner so our parents could meet.  The second time was after DH and I got engaged, my parents were not there and I hosted dinner.  Both times she mentioned, "Wouldn't it be great if your parents would rent me this house so I didn't have a 40 minute drive to work?"  Really!

    So I can't figure out how to handle this invitation to our summer house for dinner?  Any suggestions???  I know that I should be a perfect daughter in law, but I just think she over steps her boundaries! 

     

    08-28-2009 at 12:42 PM
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    aug6_05bri...
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    Invite her to a restaurant for dinner. Easy solution. No one hosts then... The rest of it - you need to work on not holding a grudge. You could have hugged her just as easily as she could have hugged you.
     

    08-28-2009 at 12:45 PM
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    kristenjas...
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    The restaurant for dinner is a good idea, I'll see if I can pass it by DH.  I'll try on the grudge thing, DH thinks that there are some things that she needs to get past, like how we moved out of state for my new job.  But thank you for the advice!!!
     

    08-28-2009 at 1:16 PM
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    EastCoastB...
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    Trust me ? I know that you can?t fully get across every last nuance of your issues w/ her.  I do not doubt you have true boundary issues.  However, I am going to say that it seems like you are LOOKING for things to be mad at.  Nothing you?ve written really strikes me as ?Oh my GOD ? the horror!?.

    She didn?t hug you?  Really?  As a PP said, you could have made an effort to hug HER instead.  For all you know, she?s steaming mad at you for the exact.same.issue. 

    For the dinner- she simply stated her wish to your DH.  I see nothing in there as demanding, or acting as if an offer was extended.  She is, as you say, ASKING.  Is there really any harm in that?!   Your parents don?t live in this country, they are only here for a short time ? I don?t really see how horrible it is that she actually wants to see your parents. 

    I have a feeling, a STRONG feeling, that if this were the reverse- if you had extended an offer and she had said ?No ? I?d rather not drive that far.  Can?t we just meet for lunch??, you?d be ?fuming? about that too.   ?I can?t believe she doesn?t want to spend time w/ us and see my parents!  They are important to me, and as her DIL, I?d think she?d want a chance to get to know them better!?. 

    And wow, the HORROR of her dreaming about ?it would be great if I could rent this house!?. 

    You really are LOOKING for things to be pissed at, and I?m going to give you the ?little boy who cried wolf? warning speech, which I learned first hand.  Be REALLY careful about finding ?wrong? in everything she does.  If you keep finding stuff that is so horrid and wrong, eventually your DH will get tired of it and one day, a TRUE issue will arise, one where a huge boundary has been crossed, and your DH is going to look at you and say ?Why does it even matter?  She can?t do anything right by you anyhow?.?.

    I think you need to back down and start examining what you?re getting mad at and why.  And start separating the REAL issues from the stuff that are simply petty annoyances. 

    As for this dinner request ? it?s not about being the ?perfect? DIL.  It?s about maybe being a good WIFE.  What does your DH want to do?  Does he want to invite her over?  And what about your parents?  You?re assigning  frustration to them, but maybe they would like to have her over.  Put aside YOUR attitude on this and think about the other people.

    Now- if it really is an issue, and if your parents have no desire to host anyone, then you simply say ?we?d love to do lunch/ dinner at ___ restaurant?.  If she brings up coming ot their house again, your DH needs to just say ?Oh, normally we?d love to do that, but as this is their vacation too ? they really aren?t up for hosting a dinner party.?. 


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    Cool dude.


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    08-28-2009 at 1:24 PM
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    LaurierGir...
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    image EastCoastBride:

    Trust me ? I know that you can?t fully get across every last nuance of your issues w/ her.  I do not doubt you have true boundary issues.  However, I am going to say that it seems like you are LOOKING for things to be mad at.  Nothing you?ve written really strikes me as ?Oh my GOD ? the horror!?.

    She didn?t hug you?  Really?  As a PP said, you could have made an effort to hug HER instead.  For all you know, she?s steaming mad at you for the exact.same.issue. 

    For the dinner- she simply stated her wish to your DH.  I see nothing in there as demanding, or acting as if an offer was extended.  She is, as you say, ASKING.  Is there really any harm in that?!   Your parents don?t live in this country, they are only here for a short time ? I don?t really see how horrible it is that she actually wants to see your parents. 

    I have a feeling, a STRONG feeling, that if this were the reverse- if you had extended an offer and she had said ?No ? I?d rather not drive that far.  Can?t we just meet for lunch??, you?d be ?fuming? about that too.   ?I can?t believe she doesn?t want to spend time w/ us and see my parents!  They are important to me, and as her DIL, I?d think she?d want a chance to get to know them better!?. 

    And wow, the HORROR of her dreaming about ?it would be great if I could rent this house!?. 

    You really are LOOKING for things to be pissed at, and I?m going to give you the ?little boy who cried wolf? warning speech, which I learned first hand.  Be REALLY careful about finding ?wrong? in everything she does.  If you keep finding stuff that is so horrid and wrong, eventually your DH will get tired of it and one day, a TRUE issue will arise, one where a huge boundary has been crossed, and your DH is going to look at you and say ?Why does it even matter?  She can?t do anything right by you anyhow?.?.

    I think you need to back down and start examining what you?re getting mad at and why.  And start separating the REAL issues from the stuff that are simply petty annoyances. 

    As for this dinner request ? it?s not about being the ?perfect? DIL.  It?s about maybe being a good WIFE.  What does your DH want to do?  Does he want to invite her over?  And what about your parents?  You?re assigning  frustration to them, but maybe they would like to have her over.  Put aside YOUR attitude on this and think about the other people.

    Now- if it really is an issue, and if your parents have no desire to host anyone, then you simply say ?we?d love to do lunch/ dinner at ___ restaurant?.  If she brings up coming ot their house again, your DH needs to just say ?Oh, normally we?d love to do that, but as this is their vacation too ? they really aren?t up for hosting a dinner party.?. 

     Ditto this. I used to have some MIL and FIL issues, so i went to a therapist to talk things out because they are quite intrusive and i wanted help. And lots of things i had legitimate concerns about - but my therapist (rightly) pointed out that sometimes i TRY to find things to be mad at just because i dont really like them. Once I was aware of my own behaviour, I realized how many times they weren't necessarily at fault, I was just reacting poorly. Now its much easier to separate the real issues from the pretend ones.

    Set boundaries - but remember that this woman is your husbands mother, how do you want him to treat your mother? Better than you treat her, id imagine.

     

     

    08-28-2009 at 1:24 PM
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    Sunsh1ne
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    Just suggest meeting at a restaurant instead.  Suggest a restaurant she might like, "Why don't we meet at X place?  They have great Italian and we know that's your favorite."

    If she presses: "My parents have been traveling a lot this summer and aren't up for hosting, but we'd love to meet you at X restaurant."

    I do think you're letting some little stuff bother you.  She didn't hug you at your wedding?  Maybe she's not a huggy person.  (I am not at all.  I certainly wouldn't be hugging someone I don't yet know very well - like in-laws.)  You caved on some of her wedding pressures?  Don't cave if it's important to you.  She comments about your parents renting their house to her?  Don't respond.  She'll get the hint.


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    08-28-2009 at 1:26 PM
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    margaritag...
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    I vote for just meeting her at a restaurant.
     

    08-28-2009 at 1:28 PM
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    RasberryBr...
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    ITA with EastCoastBride.

    While I'm sure there are issues, it is true that it seems you're searching for things to be mad at.


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    PersonalMilestone 

    08-28-2009 at 1:37 PM
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    I agree - meet her at a restaurant.

    And I have a feeling if you are firm about your boundries, you will be a lot less angry at your MIL!  So FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, be firm about meeting MIL and NOT hosting her in your parents home.  The more you allow her to push you around, the angrier you will be at the "little things."


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    There is no strong coffee. Only weak men. 

    08-28-2009 at 1:37 PM
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    image EastCoastBride:

    For the dinner- she simply stated her wish to your DH.  I see nothing in there as demanding, or acting as if an offer was extended.  She is, as you say, ASKING.  Is there really any harm in that?!   Your parents don?t live in this country, they are only here for a short time ? I don?t really see how horrible it is that she actually wants to see your parents. 

    I have a feeling, a STRONG feeling, that if this were the reverse- if you had extended an offer and she had said ?No ? I?d rather not drive that far.  Can?t we just meet for lunch??, you?d be ?fuming? about that too.   ?I can?t believe she doesn?t want to spend time w/ us and see my parents!  They are important to me, and as her DIL, I?d think she?d want a chance to get to know them better!?. 

    This is exactly what I was thinking.  Your poor MIL is in a no-win situation.  Had she asked you to come to her house for lunch, you would have gotten all pissed off that she was taking time away from your parents who you don't get to see often.  She asks to meet up with your at your parents' house, and you're pissed about that. 

    I have a feeling that you just don't like your MIL and are desperately reaching for anything you can find to use as an excuse to be mad at her.  I feel sorry for your MIL, to be honest.  And your DH for having to listen to you badmouth his mom over nothing.

    Oh, and the joke about renting your parents' house - what was so bad about that?  I'm sure it's a joke that I'd make if I knew someone who had a house closer to my workplace that sat empty for 2/3 of the year.  She wasn't being rude, she wasn't demanding that they rent it to her.  She was making a joke, one that anyone who didn't hate her would find totally fine.


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    08-28-2009 at 1:40 PM
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    notapetroc...
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    Ditto ECB in entirety.

    And did it ever occur to you that your MIL might be trying to do something nice FOR YOU rather than be self-serving in every little thing? Perhaps she was affraid to get something on your dress at the wedding (esp if she was wearing a corsage or makeup). Perhaps she thinks that on your vacation, you'd rather relax than do a 40 min drive each way to meet her.

    And unless your arms are broken - you're perfectly capable of hugging the woman. It's pretty likely that she feels like she's walking on eggshells around you all the time as it seems you're looking for reasons to find fault with her. I'd not be inclined to hug someone that made me hypersensitive about every little step I took less it be taken the wrong way.

    Lighten up. The woman may not be as evil as you think if you relax for a second.


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    08-28-2009 at 1:43 PM
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    ReturnOfKu...
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    I've found that once you admit that issues with a family member are more of an "I don't like you" problem than a "you wronged me" problem, it immediately becomes easier to be cordial with that person.

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    08-28-2009 at 1:45 PM
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    Did you think that maybe she wanted to go over your parents house to 1) not take away time from you & your parents and 2) use it as a way to visit your parents.

    I realize the 2nd may not be the case but some families do enjoy getting to know each other.  My parents & DH's parents make an effort to get to know e/o.

     The hugging thing is ridiculous.  I didn't know I should be mad at my MIL for that!

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Thanks ziti!

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
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