Edit: sorry for the crazy graphics, I pasted from Microsoft Word
Backstory: MIL is a passive aggressive person with me, but DH has actually gotten her to stop for the most part. She enjoys making plans for us, but not telling us until the last minute so we can?t go/end up going and changing our plans. MIL has never liked my mom as she is too ?independent? (She snowblows every winter, gardens, cuts her own grass, takes care of the house alone, since my dad has emphysema, and fixes things that need to be done) and has always been jealous my parents live 2 minutes away, while she lives over an hour away.
The issue: My mom died on July 14 from an aneurysm. Mom was my best friend. We talked every day and DD and I would go visit her almost every day as my mom loved seeing DD and spending time with her.
Since my mom died, MIL has been back at her old tricks. The first being the day after Mom had her aneurysm. She was still on life support while we waited for the doctors to determine if she could be an organ donor, as they determined she had no brain function. DH had come to get me at the hospital (which is over 2 ? hours away) since I had stayed the night with my mom so my dad could go home and get my sisters to say their good-bye?s to mom. DH had taken DD home the night before and MIL had come over to sit with DD so he could come back up to get me. As soon as I walked in the door MIL started in with her ?I know how you feel?, ?It?s a terrible loss?, etc. (FIL passed away 4 years ago) I just nodded, since I was still numb, and went to sit with DD before I went to my parent?s house to let their dogs out/find insurance papers, etc. DH went outside to get my bag out of the car and MIL comes in and says to DD ?I?m your only Grandma now?. I started bawling and had to leave the room. I took a bath and DH came up and asked what was wrong, I told him and he said he would talk to MIL. Soon after I left and didn?t see her again until a week later, for DD?s birthday.
MIL shows up at the house for DD?s birthday and immediately begins pestering me about going to their family reunion the next week. I was still unsure if I wanted to go, since I was still hurting and it would be a mess of people asking what happened, etc. Since I am pregnant, I knew I couldn?t handle the questions without breaking down, etc. and I didn?t want anyone else to have a bad time due to me being in a funk. I told her I didn?t know if I was going and to drop it. If I showed up, I went. If not, I didn?t. She then launches into how she knows what I am going through, etc. I told her, no, you don?t. Your mom is still alive (she only visits her once a month, even though she lives in a nursing home about 10 minutes away), your husband died of cancer and you had a year to come to terms with it, I had literally minutes. I thanked her for her sympathy but asked her to not talk about it anymore, since it was DD?s birthday, let?s think of her. DH spoke with her again and she stopped for a week or two, then back at it again.
MIL was upset that she wasn?t invited to the viewing we had for my mom. It was immediate family and my mom?s best friend only. Nobody else went. We had a family party at the house the weekend after she died. MIL was upset she wasn?t invited. Again: family only/Mom?s best friend. We buried Mom?s ashes on August 17th at the farm where her best friend lives, where her horse was buried. (we chose the 17th because it was 2 years prior that her horse had been put down, so we knew mom would have liked to be buried that day) MIL was upset nobody told her we were doing it and she wanted to go. Again: family only with Mom?s best friend. I explained this to her, and she got all p!ssy with me over it. So I told DH to handle it, and he told her the same thing.
Since then MIL has again announced that she is DD?s only grandma (in front of my dad, nonetheless), asked me why I haven?t opened up to her like I did my mom (since she?s gone now) and told DH?s family that I ?need to get over this, since I am pregnant and need to worry about that baby and DD?.
My question is: How do I handle this? DH has talked to her, so she doesn?t do it in front of him anymore (again), but I can?t handle this at all. I?m having a hard enough time dealing with my best friend/mom being gone, not to mention trying not to strangle his mother when she comes over/calls. Can I just not talk to her/ignore her? I hate to have DD not have a relationship with MIL, but since DH is working out of town, it?s usually me that deals with her, unless it?s the weekend. I really can?t handle any more of her stressDH has tried handling it, but it seems MIL just hides it from him and makes me out to be an emotional-pregnant-woman that blows stuff out of proportion, which DH knows is not true. . What do you ladies suggest?