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I need to get some things off my mind

I have been lurking for a little while and thought that it was time to post. Appologies in advance for any grammatical errors or typos.  

My DH and I just got married this March. I don't know if I have post wedding blues, but I am really unhappy.  Right before I married him I moved away with him out of state.  We're about 400 miles from where I used to live. Anyway, the problem all started with his mom.  After a couple months after our engagement (last May), she went to him, started crying, and asked him why I didn't call her mom.  She said that I should call her that by now since I've known her for 3 years. So he came to me and told me that I needed to start calling her that. I told him that I didn't know that she wanted me to even call her that and I wasn't really comfortable.  He wanted me to do it anyway to make her happy. Whatever, so I did, and I HATE it.  I feel like such a fraud when I call her that. Then, a few months later his dad confronted me  and said that I needed to call more often (at least three times a week). I call about every other week. I also needed to come over more, with or without DH and go shopping and spend time with his mom. He said that it was my responsibility since their son doesn't call them and I needed to make sure that he does. I needed to tell him to go visit his parents.  His dad said I moved away and left my family, now they (DH's) were my family and I needed to act like it.  He said he will let me know how I am doing in 30 days.  Seriously I thought I was going to sh*t a brick. I looked over at my DH and he is nodding his head in agreement with his dad!  

Anyway, I told DH after we left that it was not my responsibility and he was a big boy, that he could call his parents and I wasn't going to remind him like a child. I told him that he really upset me that he didn't stand up for me. He said that whatever his parents ask, whatever family function that was happening, I have to do it and I have to be there.

 There are other things that are piling up quick and I think I am going to be really depressed if I don't  leave for awhile. Things like, he got extremely upset with me for registering at Bed Bath and Beyond. Even though I asked him in advanced where did he want to register and if he would like to come with me.  He said he didn't care, and he did not want to come. It was all up to me. So I spent almost 3 hours in that store registering by myself and after the wedding when we received our gifts he complained that nothing was for him.  So I told him to pick out things that he doesn't want and we could return them so he could get something he wanted.  Then I find out he spent 1300.00 of our wedding money on his car! He refuses to help out with anything in the house cleaning wise.  I told him to pick a room to clean and he freaked out and said he has never cleaned a toilet in his life. Then stormed up the stairs.  He said that he works outside and I do the inside.  I told him that wasn't fair since we both pay the HOA for our lawn to be mowed.  All he does is water the flowers.

Sorry, I was really random, and kind of blurted everything out.  I just felt like I was going to explode if I didn't say something. I haven't slept in a long time and I am really upset at how my life is starting out.  I hate confrontations.  It's a horrible trait of mine.  I try not to say anything, but I am getting a little better at standing up for myself. I just don't know if I should get an annulment or not. I am just scared I guess. I don't want to make the wrong choice, but after typing all of this out, I think think that the cons are out weighing the pros now.  I feel like I have made a ton of sacrifices.  I know he has made some, but I just feel like he wants me to be his mom and not his wife. I feel like I am no longer number one in his life and his family's feelings and demands come first.

 Thanks for reading.

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Re: I need to get some things off my mind

  • Honestly, if all of what you posted is true, I'd probably just leave. He sounds controlling, if not emotionally abusive. You deserve better than that. I'd like to suggest counseling, but my gut says he probably wouldn't agree to that anyway.
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  • It sounds like your DH is not ready to be married and have to support his wife.  You guy are not on the same page and therefore this is causing problems because he expects you do what MIL and FIL decided you should.   

    I think you need to find out if your DH is willing to change and it might be helpful to go to counseling to see if you will be able to work these problems because I know for me if he isn't willing to change at all, it would be a deal breaker.

  • Whoooaaahhhh!!!!!!!! ok------first you ARE his wife, NOT his mother. its obvious he wants you to be him mommy and its your responsiblity for everything....omg, i'd *** a brick if i were you. His parents are weridos if you ask me..his mom wanting you to call her "mom" is weird to me. his dad demanding a phone call.....wtf! ive been wtih H for 10 1/2 yrs (married for a month now) and ive NEVER called his mom "mom" i call her by her first name!

    your H nodding his head agreeing with them is out of the question! you and him are one now, he's not a little boy anymore even though he's clearly acting like one...how long have you been together? you didn't live together before you were married?? omg......im sorry you're experiencing this!

  • Oh. my. word.

    I think I would just leave. It would be super hard, but seriously . . . his family is nutty and he isn't much better, if not worse.

  • image susiederkins:
    Honestly, if all of what you posted is true, I'd probably just leave. He sounds controlling, if not emotionally abusive. You deserve better than that. I'd like to suggest counseling, but my gut says he probably wouldn't agree to that anyway.

    This.

     

    You seem like you already know the answer.  I don't know if you can get an annulment, but I'd start with a legal separation ASAP.  It is clear that you are in way over your head.  Cut ties, start over.

  • And you had absolutely no warning signs whatsoever of all of this before you married him?

    He sounds like a douche and a total mama's boy.  And he can order you to bend to his parents' wishes all he wants, but he can't force you to go against your instincts or nature.  You can't force a relationship between ILs, and this sounds like a bad start to your marriage.  But again... I find it hard to believe you had absolutely no inkling this was on the horizon.

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  • Indifferent

    Oh, honey, no wonder you feel the way you do. You're overwhelmed. You've moved somewhere that's completely unfamiliar to you to start a new life. All of these unreasonable expectations are being dumped on you, and you're not getting your H's support.

    The thing is, your IL's supposed 'rules' would just be really annoying at most, IF your H was backing you up. Clearly, he's not, and that's where your real problem lies.

    The other thing I wanted to say, is that you talk a lot about what your IL's and your H want from you. Well, what do you want? What would make you happier? What do you feel would be a realistic relationship to have with your IL's, and what do you feel would make you happy in terms of how you and your DH run your house? 

    If you haven't already, I think you really need to sit down with your H and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. A few sessions with a counselor may be beneficial as well. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Good Luck. 

  • This is disgusting and manipulative:

    His dad said I moved away and left my family, now they (DH's) were my family and I needed to act like it.  He said he will let me know how I am doing in 30 days.  Seriously I thought I was going to sh*t a brick. I looked over at my DH and he is nodding his head in agreement with his dad!  

    And I am NOT just talking about his father's behavior.

    Huh? His parents are "your family"? These people have it wrong: you HUSBAND is YOUR FAMILY.

     And that your H agreed with them? Wow, how old is he? about 10?

    Your H has a lot of problems: he's got no concept of what the marriage dynamic is and to boot he's lazy and manipulative and a mamma and daddy's boy BOTH.

    He is also highly dishonest -- he did what with thirteen hundred bucks?! Sorry, but that kind of monetary decision is to be discussed first by BOTH of you and then an agreement that is satisfactory to you both is to come next.

    I don't see much hope here for you. Anybody who lets his parents do the talking for him and lets his parents manipulate his wife is no husband -- or man -- at all.

     

  • Yeah I know it's hard to believe that I didn't know that this was on the horizon. My regret is that I should've lived with him near his family longer before we married.  The problem was that... this never was a problem.  Honestly.  We were both living 400 miles away from his family and then he got a job where his hometown was with his BIL.  That is why we moved. I have a feeling that his parents are putting pressure on him to get control of me.  Just a gut feeling. His family is a different culture and he has never taken interest in it.  Never forced me to be a part of their ways.  He was more against it than I was.  Now that we are living close to his family, his feelings have changed. His actions definitely have anyway.

    You are right.  I know what I need to do.  I did talk to him about his behavior and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them. I am going to talk to him more and then if he is unwilling to come back to his senses, then I am out of here. 

    Thanks for reading.  I know I am not crazy or selfish for feeling this way. I think I just wanted to be sure... 

     

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  • image margaritagirl:

    Indifferent

    Oh, honey, no wonder you feel the way you do. You're overwhelmed. You've moved somewhere that's completely unfamiliar to you to start a new life. All of these unreasonable expectations are being dumped on you, and you're not getting your H's support.

    The thing is, your IL's supposed 'rules' would just be really annoying at most, IF your H was backing you up. Clearly, he's not, and that's where your real problem lies.

    The other thing I wanted to say, is that you talk a lot about what your IL's and your H want from you. Well, what do you want? What would make you happier? What do you feel would be a realistic relationship to have with your IL's, and what do you feel would make you happy in terms of how you and your DH run your house? 

    If you haven't already, I think you really need to sit down with your H and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. A few sessions with a counselor may be beneficial as well. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Good Luck. 

    Ditto.

    I also think, though, that he isn't going to go to counseling.  He will likely discuss it with his parents, they'll collectively decide that the problem is you, not him, and that will be the end of that as far as they're concerned.  Personally, I would leave.  Even if you don't wind up divorcing him, I think you need some space and to do a lot of soul searching to find out what you really want.  If this is your idea of marriage, then stay, but if you aren't happy about this now, know that you may very well be sitting in the same boat 20 years from now if you stay and get out while you can.

  • and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them.

    I'm sorry, but this ^ is bullsh!t. Total, complete bullsh!t. Age and/or mortality does not give anyone the right to be an asshat towards you. You know that, right? And I'm sure your H knows that, too. This is just a lame excuse. You deserve better. 

  • image dreamlover129:

    Yeah I know it's hard to believe that I didn't know that this was on the horizon. My regret is that I should've lived with him near his family longer before we married.  The problem was that... this never was a problem.  Honestly.  We were both living 400 miles away from his family and then he got a job where his hometown was with his BIL.  That is why we moved. I have a feeling that his parents are putting pressure on him to get control of me.  Just a gut feeling. His family is a different culture and he has never taken interest in it.  Never forced me to be a part of their ways.  He was more against it than I was.  Now that we are living close to his family, his feelings have changed. His actions definitely have anyway.

    You are right.  I know what I need to do.  I did talk to him about his behavior and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them. I am going to talk to him more and then if he is unwilling to come back to his senses, then I am out of here. 

    Thanks for reading.  I know I am not crazy or selfish for feeling this way. I think I just wanted to be sure... 

     

    Good for you.  Make sure you keep this in mind.  Refer back to it if need be.  You deserve to be loved and respected in your marriage and you're not currently.  If he can't love and respect you (actions speak louder than words, and his actions are screaming that he can't) than it's in your best interests to get out.

    Feel free to come back for support.

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  • This makes me sad for you, I think I'd be really frustrated and depressed in the same situation.  Becuase a lot of this seems to have popped up since moving, you might want to try marital counseling.  But if he isn't willing to go or participate, then I would also leave him.
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  • In your OP I had wondered if there was some kind of cultural issue going on.  WIth an eye to that- I would consider pursuing a marriage counselor that specializes in cultural differences.  

    I would also make it very clear to him how very close you are to leaving- and honestly, the situation as it is now is not one I could live with, so be very clear that this is more than a hypothetical, it's a definite and at this point likely choice.  Right now, his parents are treating you like their obedient child and he is treating you like his new mommy.   I'm curious about what is really behind this supposed sudden change of heart that he needs to now embrace his culture and obey his parents- and demand your obedience to them as well.  I have to believe there's more going on with him than what he told you with that.  I'm also curious- this bit about him apparently deciding he wants to radically change his beliefs and values and lifestyle and insists you go along makes me wonder if he had some streaks of "my way is the only way and you WILL do things my way" before this.  

    DId you say what was behind the move? Was this the beginning of his, "I want to be closer to my parents" bit?

  • image margaritagirl:

    and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them.

    I'm sorry, but this ^ is bullsh!t. Total, complete bullsh!t. Age and/or mortality does not give anyone the right to be an asshat towards you. You know that, right? And I'm sure your H knows that, too. This is just a lame excuse. You deserve better. 

    Ditto. And if he's that concerned with his parents' mortality - perhaps he should work harder to make sure that he has a loving support network to carry on with after they're gone. He's full of crap and you are being completely bullied. He pulled a bait-and-switch on you. He's not who you thought he was. I'd pull half the finances and head for the door - and tell him about it 3 days later, when I was 400 miles away. There is no happy ending to this where you, his family, and him all get along.

  • image margaritagirl:

    and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them.

    I'm sorry, but this ^ is bullsh!t. Total, complete bullsh!t. Age and/or mortality does not give anyone the right to be an asshat towards you. You know that, right? And I'm sure your H knows that, too. This is just a lame excuse. You deserve better. 

    Ditto 1000xs...they arent much older than they were last year and NOW he is worried about them. Im sure they have told him that and he is just passing it on  to you.

    He looks weak in front of them because he doesnt have total control of you (yet) and he is trying to gain 100% control.

    Honestly he sounds like a 2 year old, and you need to do something ASAP! Youll get sucked in if you dont!

     



  • I think it's your fear of confrontation that got you into this mess.  You should have called off the wedding.
  • (1) You shouldn't be forced to call his family or call your MIL mom if you aren't comfortable yet.

    (2) He should have asked you before he spent $1,300 in wedding money. Do you have seperate accounts or joint?

    (3) You need to tell him how you feel. If he doesn't shape up and start acting like a husband, then file for an annulment. You should not have to be his mother. Running away from toilet cleaning is ridiculous.

    (4) Only you can make decisions about your life, but understand that being that unhappy is not normal. Only you can change that.

  • Oy.  His family sounds like a bunch of peaches.  Hmm

    I don't know what words of advice to give, except to say that PPs are all pretty spot on.  If you love him and want to work on the marriage, I'd inform him of just how close you are to leaving.  But if you don't want to work it out, then take your half of the finances and get the helllllll out of there.

     

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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    Every moment you get scared of doing what you KNOW you need to do in this situation... take a moment and think.  Think about the future and what your life will look like if you stay in this situation.  Can you imagine having to be your H's mommy for the rest of your life?  Can you imagine teaching in your kids that this kind of behavior is normal?  Can you imagine your daughter going into her relationships and kowtowing to the wishes of the man? 

    You sound like a smart chick with a good head on your shoulders.  Trust your gut and do what needs to be done.  Any man that doesn't even care to show you common respect doesn't love you as you deserve to be loved.

    Good luck and come back (here or to TIP) if you need any advice or if you need to vent!

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  • It's a mess and really, I think that because his parents support him and gang up on you and he doesn't stand up to them, you're in for more trouble than the situation is worth.
  • You married a child. He wanted a mommy and a fuukbuddy. Not a life partner. Screw him and dip out, baby. You deserve better than this.



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  • Wow...this situation is actually a little scary. I would get out or at least tell him you cannot live like this at all.  The fam sounds crAzy....the fact that he goes along with it is not a good sign at all.

    I am so sorry. Keep us posted.  

  • Oh honey this will only get worse.  Imagine your life if you do have children with this man.  Your IL's will get a say in everything including who is in the delivery room with you and gets to see your hoo ha while you poop, fart and pee all over yourself.  They will have a say in how to take care of and discipline your child.  They will have a say in where you spend the holidays.  Everything.  Oh and if your husband is of a chrisitan persuasion I would just remind him that this is exactly why the bibile says you leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife.  Exactly.
  • The manipulative crap about them getting older and how much longer is reason enough to pack your bags. You gave into his Mom by calling her Mom when you did not want to, and now you know it was just the beginning of their tyranny.

    While you still have some faith in yourself and the ability to leave get out. Your H likes the way you are treated by his family, so he will never stick up for you. He isn't going to change. Please as PP mentioned do not think of having a child with him. I am sorry this is happening to you, but let this be your past and not your future.

  • I wondered when I read your OP whether there was a cultural issue going on.  I'd find a counselor that specializes in cross cultural issues stat.  And if he won't go, well, just ask yourself -- can you really live with this for the rest of your life? 
  • I also wondered about the cultural thing.  The whole "you're part of our family now" is somewhat familiar.  HOWEVER, that whole way of thinking is super old school in my culture.  As in, my great-grandparents old.  No one I know really takes that literally anymore.

    There must have been some hint of this before the wedding.  I agree with going to counseling.

  • and he basically said that he just realized his parents are getting older and that he wants to give them whatever they want right now.  He feels like he doesn't have much time left with them

    He's acting like they're at a very very advanced age and he's the only one they have the he can depend on. This is also nothing but a big fat copout.

    It's also emotional blackmail, a heaping ton of guilt put upon you and manipulative.

     

     

  • image dreamlover129:

    Then, a few months later his dad confronted me  and said that I needed to call more often (at least three times a week). I call about every other week. I also needed to come over more, with or without DH and go shopping and spend time with his mom. He said that it was my responsibility since their son doesn't call them and I needed to make sure that he does. I needed to tell him to go visit his parents.  His dad said I moved away and left my family, now they (DH's) were my family and I needed to act like it.  He said he will let me know how I am doing in 30 days.  Seriously I thought I was going to sh*t a brick. I looked over at my DH and he is nodding his head in agreement with his dad!  

    Wow. I would have lost it if this happened to me. I have never called my in-laws in our eight years together (4.5 of them married) and I certainly don't think it's my responsibility to remind my husband to see them.

    Honestly, your husband and his family sound very controlling. You need to "act like" they're your family? He's going to give you a progress report in 30 days? You're not a misbehaving child, you're a grown woman for goodness sakes and you don't need to be told who to call and when to do it.

    I would have a serious Come To Jesus talk with my husband and if that didn't change things, I think I'd have to consider ending the marriage.

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    And next time, marry a feminist :(

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