Family Matters
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Update: mom visiting (super long)

First, thank you to all of you who have responded.

I really thought about what happened and I realized, like many of you said, my getting upset at my mom for not coming to dinner could have been easily resolved if I had correctly communicated this to her, even when she called saying she wasn?t going to make it, I could still have let her know how I felt then ?Mom, I had already planned dinner for us and I am cooking now. It would mean a lot if you come, bring brother over if he?s like.? I understand this and I admit that it was a lack of communication on my part.

 

The next day my mom DH, my cousin and I meet my mom after work at my brother?s place. She asks me about dinner last night and I tell her ?Dinner was good mom. I wish you would have been there because I had planned dinner for us.? She asks me if I was hurt that she didn?t go and I said, that yes at first I was upset but that I realize that I didn?t communicate with her exactly how I felt so it?s not a problem now and I?m over it, we will have dinner again some other time. My mom flips out, starts crying. I ask her ?Mom, why are you crying? I don?t understand why you are crying. I?m not upset or angry with you. I hope you are not angry with me either. It?s not a big deal.? She then starts a speech, crying, about how she doesn?t know ?what to do with me? anymore, that when she?s around me she feels like she has to walk on eggshells, that everything she does offends me, and other crap I don?t even remember at the moment. Mind you, she?s saying all of this, while crying, in front of DH, cousin and my brother?s girlfriend. She then starts to bring back ?issues? of years ago when I was still in high school, that since then I have ?lost my morals and values?, that I didn?t want to be part of the family and would hang out with only my friends and not go downstairs for family dinners, she said that I?ve changed and this and that.

 

Honestly I don?t even remember a lot of it. It?s all a blur now. She then looks over to DH and says ?welcome to the family?. WHAT? Anyway, DH then offers that instead of going over hurt feelings and things that are in the past why not set a date where we can all have dinner together again.  We left my brother?s with plans for everyone to go to the movies later that night together. Also, my mom then decided that she was going to stay at my brother?s for the rest of the week. Side note: she had already picked up her suitcase from my house and left it in her car that day. I had no idea about this. When she said that she?d stay at my brother?s for the rest of the week I asked her to please stay with me, that that wasn?t necessary and besides she still had all of her things at my house. And that?s when she informed me that she had already gotten her suitcase from my house.

 

Side Note 2: I?m just going to give a little background on something that will come up later. My mom and stepdad moved abroad for work about 5 years ago.  At the time I was 18 and just starting college. My brother was 16. My sister was already married and living in a different state with her husband. Anyway, at the time that was a ?family? decision and it was thought to be the ?BEST? thing for everyone. When my mom and stepdad moved abroad, I was living in college and gone from home already. However, my 16 year old brother went to live with my newlywed sister and her husband. They did not take him with them. He was there for six months, came back to TX and finished high school here.  Anyway, when I was visiting my sister and her baby up north, my mom was there. She had been staying with my sister for a while then helping her out. While I was there we were talking about my mom and mine relationship. (it?s a favorite topic I guess). My mom asked that I open up my heart and tell her how I feel. I told her that while I am very happy with my life now and happy with DH I felt that the ?happiest? time we had as a family was before she and my stepdad moved abroad. That since then I have felt things changed.

 

The night I was over at my brother?s place that got thrown back at my face. My mom said I accused her of ?abandoning? her kids, that I offended her once again, that things did not change, that I changed ever since I had this boyfriend (high school/college phase in which I wanted to go out with friends and not go downstairs for dinner. I must admit this ex-boyfriend was a loser, it was a very bad phase of my life and I made a lot of mistakes. However I have apologized for this over and over again and still it is brought up every time there is a problem.)

 

Anyway, this all happened that night. Still, we made plans to put it aside and meet up later for dinner and the movies. 9:00 pm rolls around and no call from my mom or my brother. I call my mom and ask her if we are still going or what, she says they are going to stay home that night, that she?s ?not in the mood? to go out after everything. OK. DH, cousin, and I go out by ourselves that night and have a great time.

 

The next day I call my mom I tell her I want to see her, that I don?t want to talk about hurt feelings, or what?s happened in the past, that I want to start from ground zero and enjoy her time here. She agrees that we have to meet, but that we must meet to talk about ALL of the issues we have, how she feels I?m this angry person now, how I?m not this happy and sweet girl people love anymore, how I have issues and traumas I must deal with because she will no longer be my punching bag, how since I was little I have always been stubborn and done my own thing and I can?t blame my misery on her for giving me good advice, that we need to talk about how come I have a great relationship with my dad and not one with her. She even brought my brother into it saying I have problems with him too. I told her please stop, I don?t have a problem with my brother. He and I get along just fine and if he had a problem with me he could come and talk to me, but that this is not about the relationship I have with my brother or my dad, it?s about my relationship with her. She told me I need to seek help for my issues and traumas. Oh and that she couldn?t meet me that day because she was going to go to the storage facility with my brother but how about tomorrow?

 

Anyway, I decided all of this is not worth it. I will go insane if I constantly have to deal with this. So I talked to DH a lot that day and decided I do need to see a therapist to learn how to deal with my mom and not let her affect me so much.  I love how she just blamed everything on me. All of the sudden, I?m the only one with problems, issues and traumas?. She?s perfect, and she?s done nothing wrong. Unbelievable.  I can?t keep going like this. I?m terrified of having a daughter and having the same relationship with my mom. I need to understand why I get so upset with her so I can learn how to react to the things she says and does.

 

For now, I?m just playing along with her so I can keep the peace and enjoy her time here. So I called her yesterday and told her I would only see her if we spent time together doing something, but hat I would not go sit down with her to talk all about my issues and traumas. I told her that I would see a therapist and I didn?t want to talk to her about it anymore. So we are ok right now. It?s still a little awkward around each other but I?m making an honest effort to enjoy my time spent with her.

 

Thank you if you?ve read so far. I know this is a super long post/vent.

There are a lot of more things that happened between my mom and I that I could explain. So if you want to know more details let me know. I figured for now I?ve overloaded you enough. If you have any insight/advice I?d love to hear it.

 

Thanks.

Re: Update: mom visiting (super long)

  • I don't see why you're "keeping the peace" while she's here.  Just tell her to go stay in a hotel if she's going to be a b*tch to you.
    image
  • I think therapy to deal with your mom is a great idea. Her behavior does not sound normal or healthy. I'm sorry you had to deal with that drama.
  • I'm sorry your mom's visit has turned into such a stress-fest. Your mom is a big fat drama queen, and you shouldn't have to feel like you're always playing defense or trying to keep the peace. I'm glad you decided to get therapy, because it sounds like you have communications problems and boundaries problems with your mom. 
  • No offense, but she sounds super insecure and guilty and is trying to shove it all off on you. I think SHE is the one who needs therapy. Good for you for trying to have as much of a normal relationship as you can. Now that you know she has all that baggage, try not to take her behavior personally. Maybe someday she will be able to get over herself.
  • I kinda understand how she feels like she has to walk around on eggshells when she is around you.  Each post that I remember about this visit was you being overly sensitive about something she did/said/didn't say.  I don't think you are hiding this from her, and I can guarantee that it isn't a pleasant situation to be around.  I don't like being around people who are always expecting things out of me and make me feel like I don't do anything right.

    No I do not think that she has acted as well as she could have during all of this drama.  It sounds like she has avoided dealing with a tricky situation until it blew up in her face and she just couldn't do it anymore.  This isn't healthy and it ends up causing giant issues (like what is going on now).  I do think that you need to sit down and talk about the issues (real or imaginary).  Take notes while you are talking, and be honest with yourself about what your responsibilities are in this situation.  (Take notes because you will want to re-hash the conversation a few times in your mind.  You cannot twist things if you have concrete proof about what was said.  I know it sounds crazy) 

  • You know what - your mom is a damn hypocrite.  She wants you to be totally frank and honest with her, and then she beats you down when you are!  That's a really nice way of trying to resolve conflict when you can't take the honesty you so badly beg for.  /sarcasm

    I'd seek counseling for yourself, but let her know that since she can't seem to take your honestly when you present it, you won't be discussing your feelings with her anymore.  She sounds like a master manipulator if you ask me - and you don't need that heaping pile of guilt she keeps trying to toss onto you.  No thanks.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • Indifferent Oh, wow.

    So, because you chose to answer honestly that yes, you were disappointed that you didn't see her at dinner that night, she got hysterical. And somehow, everything is all on you and this made it necessary for her to also bring up all of her complaints about your past behavior. This is not a healthy or normal reaction, no matter how your visit with her was going. She could benefit from some therapy herself.

    I hope that the counseling for you will be beneficial when you go, and that you can learn new ways to deal with your mom's visits in the future. GL. 

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker
    image ictoana:

    I kinda understand how she feels like she has to walk around on eggshells when she is around you.  Each post that I remember about this visit was you being overly sensitive about something she did/said/didn't say. 

    This.

    Regardless though, your choice to talk to a professinal and figure out how to deal w/ this in a mature way = wise.

    And I'll also put myself in the "you don't have to kiss up to her and make her visit pleasant"--she's choosing to make these issues a problem too--this can easily be bed.  made.  lie.  If she wans to make things awkward, so be it.  Go w/ the flow, talk to the counselor, and set good boundries.

  • image margaritagirl:

    Indifferent Oh, wow.

    So, because you chose to answer honestly that yes, you were disappointed that you didn't see her at dinner that night, she got hysterical. And somehow, everything is all on you and this made it necessary for her to also bring up all of her complaints about your past behavior. This is not a healthy or normal reaction, no matter how your visit with her was going. She could benefit from some therapy herself.

    I hope that the counseling for you will be beneficial when you go, and that you can learn new ways to deal with your mom's visits in the future. GL. 

    I agree.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Could your mom be going through menopause?
  • image Libby33:
    Could your mom be going through menopause?

     haha. was considering the same too. btw, i'm sorry to say this but i think your mom is behaving inappropriately. she's kind of insecure. seriously you have to do something about that.

    image 

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