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F/U to "My friends don't like my H"

The OP: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/16917297.aspx

 

After talking with my friends, it seems that things run a little deeper than I originally thought.  Two of them who were offended by some of the things my H said to them are step-siblings, sharing a father (whom I also knew growing up) who was pretty abrasive and unsensitive.  Apparently, my H says things that reminds them of their father, which neither of them can deal with.

So, while my H was still in the wrong for saying those things, it was not ENTIRELY his fault, as both of these friends admit that they have deep-seated personal issues that contributed to their interpretation of his behavior.

With that being said, H felt HORRIBLE after we talked about this.  He has since personally apologized to my friends personally, and thanking them for bringing the problem to his attention so he can work on fixing it.  And yes, he had been working on it.   He thinks about everything that comes out of his mouth, what he says and how he says it.  We have talked about seeing a counselor and he plans to - we haven't gotten around to it because we're in the middle of remodeling our kitchen and thus far that has been taking up all of our free time.

I had coffee with the friend who wanted to cut all ties with us, and we have since made plans to have dinner and do other things together.  Her husband (one of the step-siblings) is still not on board, but even she admits it is because he is very avoidant and may never want to speak to my H again, which is now out of our hands since H did apologize.  Nothing we can do about that.  I still feel very wierd about hanging out with a couple who thought my H was abusing me, but I want to repair the relationship as much as I can.

So that's that.  I still don't know how everything will turn out but I'm confident that we're on the right path. 

Due 12/20/11 ~ Lost our Muskrat at 9w2d
4/25/12 ~ Our angel, Persephone James, is here!

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Re: F/U to "My friends don't like my H"

  • After reading your original post and now your follow up I still agree with what some said.

    If one person didn't like him it would be one thing but a group of people who all agree about it to the point where they won't be around him means that the issue is probably with him.

    image
  • I'm glad that you and your H have taken some steps to rectify the situation. GL!
  • It sounds like things have improved a little bit!

    Seeing your post reminded me to check my PMs...I responded to your questions.

     Hope everything works out for you!

  • image mariat1978:

    After reading your original post and now your follow up I still agree with what some said.

    If one person didn't like him it would be one thing but a group of people who all agree about it to the point where they won't be around him means that the issue is probably with him.

    ITA

  • It sounds like something is still off to me. Regardless, actions speak louder than words. Only your DH can fix the problem. Sounds like he did a lot of damage that might not be repairable. GL.
  • Not really believing this...there is still something going on and it is much deeper than one single incident or comment.

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  • Has he been checked out for Asbergers or similar?

     

    image Lucy, 12/27/2009
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Just because your friends have a specific sensitivity to a  situation doesn't mean they are wrong in what they think about your DH, how they feel, or what they choose to do about it.

    My parents were alcoholics, so I have a very particular sensitivity to people who drink a lot.  Just because I am sensitive to this, doesn't mean I can't honestly see when people have a problem with alcohol.  In fact, I may more easily see when someone has a problem rather than laugh it off like other people who only view it as isolated incidents. 

    Maybe you should consider that your friends, BECAUSE they are sensitive to this kind of behavior, should be listened to more rather than discounted.

    No, your DH can't do anything else to repair these relationships, but you both really need to quit avoiding dealing with the problem (this remodling BS) and get into some counseling.

  • I'm really confused as to where I ever said I discounted my friends or ignored the problem, or where I said we weren't going to counseling.
    Due 12/20/11 ~ Lost our Muskrat at 9w2d
    4/25/12 ~ Our angel, Persephone James, is here!

    image
  • image elviebird:
    I'm really confused as to where I ever said I discounted my friends or ignored the problem, or where I said we weren't going to counseling.

     "Apparently, my H says things that reminds them of their father, which neither of them can deal with.

    So, while my H was still in the wrong for saying those things, it was not ENTIRELY his fault, as both of these friends admit that they have deep-seated personal issues that contributed to their interpretation of his behavior."

     "We have talked about seeing a counselor and he plans to - we haven't gotten around to it"

     You discounted your friends as overly sensitive rather than (as I said in my first post) seeing them as potentially MORE insightful than others. 

    And "talking about" counseling isn't going.  It is putting it off. 

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