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Did your relationship change when you got married?


Re: Did your relationship change when you got married?

  • image GulfCoaster:

    (But really, expecting floors to be vacuumed/swept/mopped daily sounds like overkill to me.)

    Wait, what??

    Mine are lucky if they get done weekly.  You guys need to come to some agreements, and a schedule that works for you.  Hotel rooms are cleaned this often - not houses.

  • image OMG Guinea Pigs!!:
    image GulfCoaster:

    (But really, expecting floors to be vacuumed/swept/mopped daily sounds like overkill to me.)

    Wait, what??

    Mine are lucky if they get done weekly.  You guys need to come to some agreements, and a schedule that works for you.  Hotel rooms are cleaned this often - not houses.

    Exactly... Her OP made it sound like her husband expects the floors to be cleaned daily.  That's overkill and not necessary unless they're tracking mud all over the place every day.  The OP having difficulty doing certain chores is one problem, but I think the bigger problem is her husband's unrealistic expecations.  We can suggest things like the Roomba or Scooba to make her life easier (and they probably would help), but the bigger problem of her husband's unrealistic expectations won't change just because they have a cleaning robot.

  • My mate moved in with me before we got engaged ... it was while he lived with me that he asked me to marry him (after first asking my dad for my hand in marriage).?

    At any rate, we lived with my folks so I did more work around the house then he did, but that being side he did all the work that my dad was doing, so it was prity gender defined for a lot of it.

    Since we have moved into our own place, I do a lot more work around the apt only because I am the one home, I work from home so I have the time to do so. That being said he does all the lundary once a week and helps out here and there as able.

    ?If it invovles heavy lifting or lots of bending he does it since I have issues with that side of thing and its getting worse, which annoys the world out of me to say the least.?

    I would have thought that you two would have talked about things before getting married, but every couple is different. His reason for doing lundary is because he knows how much I dislike doing it, I'll do it if needed but given a choice for get it.?

  • I think it did in a positive way overall. Like other ladies said, better sense of commitment, we got closer. The only down side for me is that now he slacks on the romance aspect of things, but thats normal.

  • It changed in a positive way. We didn't live together before, either, but we talked about all of this before. There was still a month or two of adjustment time of learning to live together, but it was helped by how much we discussed all of this. How did this not come up before?


    Yes, if you don't work, I understand why the housekeeping is your "job." But expecting you to sweep every day is crazy. What do you all do to your floors to make that necessary? Is your DH throwing peanut shells on the ground at dinner?

  • KaieneKaiene member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    ECB - I agree completely! My H and I lived together for about 1.5 years before we got married, and I think it was one of the best decisions we made.  We learned how to live together and now that we are married, there are only a couple things different:  we both have rings, I have a new last name, and we have nicer stuff.  Other than that, our relationship is still very much the same, although I do feel like it's getting better!
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  • Having a strong work ethic is not the most important thing in the world. As long as there is enough food on the table and happiness, that is what truly matters. What's most important is you and your husband's health. There's always going to be housework... you can clean, clean, clean, and dust is still going to come, come, come. Enjoy your life together. Dust will always be there, but we and the people we care about the most, will one day pass on. Smile


  • My impression from your post and follow-ups is that the root of the issue is that your husband doesn't truly understand the nature and limitations of your disability. ?This is only my impression, but your citing that your husband has a "strong work ethic", makes jokes (!?) about your not cleaning or cooking as often as he thinks you should, thinking that your friend came over just to visit, not to help clean- those suggest to me that your husband thinks this is a matter of you not trying hard enough/ thinking you could just push through the pain and do it anyway/ etc. ?What does he truly know about your conditions? Has he met with your doctors? Has he read books/ pamphlets/ general literature? Does he understand why some movements are difficult and others are not? I have a family friend who has fibro myalgia, and a lot of her pain (and the degree of pain) is dependent on factors like weather, season, recent physical activity- is this also the case for you, and does he understand that the pain is fluctuating rather than constantly the same degree? ?

    I feel like once you two are 100% clear on what these limitations are and what they mean, then you guys will be better able to iron out expectations for who does what. ?At that point, I would explore things like being raised with an expectation that floors should be swept/ mopped daily. ?There's a big difference between "That's what I'm used to" and "That's the only way such-and-such can ever acceptably be done."?


  • Well, as of current I'm doing all the housework.  DH never had to do it for himself, really, because we started dating in college at 18.  He's more than willing, but I get a secret kick out of it.  Plus, I'm better at it.  Have you tried just saying, "sweetheart, I really need you to step up to the plate by doing x, y, and z"?  It may be that he wants to but can't do it correctly.
  • As far as house work goes, I am much more laid back than DH is. He is pretty type-A, while I don't have a problem with dishes being left in the sink for a day or 2 (as long as they don't stink). When we first moved in together, I told him that I understand that he's been doing it on his own for a while, and it's no big deal to him, but we are a team now, and if something needs to be done (that I haven't noticed) he needs to speak up. He says that he doesn't expect me to do the cleaning, but since I am still in school and not bringing in much money, if I am not contributing around the house, I feel as if I am not pulling my weight.
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