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Update on ILs to let go and H to grow up

My H talked to his parents for close to 2 hours last week without me around.  He told them that he has moved out and lives with me in our house!  They dicussed us buying their house and he told them to drop it we were not in the market to move at the moment and if/when we are they can sales pitch us again.  He also discussed us covering their house bills and they said that they would pay them while they were home but when they left H would be responsible again (we may be able change that still)! H also told them that he would help them with major yard work but on our time table and that we know that there is stuff they want done but they need to stop pestering the living daylights out of us.  So we went out for a visit on Memorial Day and they absolutly ignored us.  They needed some dirt for a flower bed so we picked it up in our trailer and brought it out and filled the bed and then basically went home since neither of them were speaking to us.  I thought it was strange and that they are being childish but I am so happy that my H is starting to put his foot downSmile
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Re: Update on ILs to let go and H to grow up

  • He also discussed us covering their house bills and they said that they would pay them while they were home but when they left H would be responsible again (we may be able change that still)!

    Uh, what?  I don't remember this from before. Are you serious?  you "change" that by simply not doing it. Their house = their bills = their problem. 

    It's great that he's making some headway in dealing w/ them, but I think you have a LONG, uphill battle ahead of you.  Especially ifyou are actually still going over there and doing work for them when they aren't even talking to you. 

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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    Are you on crack?  Why would you and your H agree to pay household bills that aren't yours?
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  • srs5624srs5624 member
    image EastCoastBride:

    He also discussed us covering their house bills and they said that they would pay them while they were home but when they left H would be responsible again (we may be able change that still)!

    Uh, what?  I don't remember this from before. Are you serious?  you "change" that by simply not doing it. Their house = their bills = their problem. 

    It's great that he's making some headway in dealing w/ them, but I think you have a LONG, uphill battle ahead of you.  Especially ifyou are actually still going over there and doing work for them when they aren't even talking to you. 

    Ditto this. I seriously hope that you are using their money to pay their bills and you are just a sort of caretaker while they are gone... using their resources, not your own.

  • Wow... if he is starting to put his foot down it must just be his little toe so far.

    I missed the backstory but this is sounding crazy to me. Why would you pay any portion of their bills? Why would you continue to do favors for people who treat you like this? 

  • image imoan:
    Are you on crack?  Why would you and your H agree to pay household bills that aren't yours?

    This. And I don't know why you guys went over there and put soil in the flowerbed if they're not speaking to you. The silence is a pretty clear sign that you guys should leave them alone. 

  • My H always paid the electric bill as his rent and then the trash bill when his parents were gone during the winter.  Plus my H pays for the DISH that is at there place and then they also use in their motorhome (this one is a big issue with me since we don't get to watch it since it isn't at our house).  This is supposed to be more rent payment and was started right after I first started seeing him and is on contract which is coming up for renewel soon. Last winter we turned the heat way down and kept the electric bill really cheap and took our trash out to their place for pick up since we don't have trash pick up.  I want to cancel the trash when they are gone but they can't do that because then their bill will be higher, something to do with locked in rates.  No I want his parents to be responsible for their bills even if it is transfering us $ to pay their bills.  We could use the money else where instead of on two different electric bills and DISH bill that we don't watch.

    They asked for the dirt when they had their big talk.  This was the first time that we saw them since the big talk so didn't know about the not talking thing. 

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  • He doesn't live there anymore.

    I don't get where the gray area is?

    What's going on with your H that he hasn't put a stop to this madness? 

  • If he doesn't live there anymore he doesn't need to pay rent, therefore the "contract" should be allowed to expire without renewal and they go back to being responsible for their own bills all the time (which is as it should be).
  • Your IL's are being punitive and very immature by ignoring you and your DH.

    Poor them...their baby boy stood up to them...the nerve! Hmm

    It is great that your H talked to them, but why did you go over there to do work for them while they treated you like crap? That sets a bad precedent. And why the heck is their house and their bills your responsibility? That doesn't make sense to me. I think you need to get out of this arrangement pronto. They're taking advantage of you guys. GL.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    image tas1883:

    My H always paid the electric bill as his rent and then the trash bill when his parents were gone during the winter.  Plus my H pays for the DISH that is at there place and then they also use in their motorhome (this one is a big issue with me since we don't get to watch it since it isn't at our house).  This is supposed to be more rent payment and was started right after I first started seeing him and is on contract which is coming up for renewel soon. Last winter we turned the heat way down and kept the electric bill really cheap and took our trash out to their place for pick up since we don't have trash pick up.  I want to cancel the trash when they are gone but they can't do that because then their bill will be higher, something to do with locked in rates.  No I want his parents to be responsible for their bills even if it is transfering us $ to pay their bills.  We could use the money else where instead of on two different electric bills and DISH bill that we don't watch.

    They asked for the dirt when they had their big talk.  This was the first time that we saw them since the big talk so didn't know about the not talking thing. 

    Your follow up did not clear anything up.  Your H doesn't live there but you guys feel responsible for paying a portion of their expenses?!  I still have my WTF-Face going on over here!

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image imoan:
    Are you on crack?  Why would you and your H agree to pay household bills that aren't yours?

    Ditto this. I mean, really?

  • Your DH doesn't live there anymore, so why do you keep talking about the rent that he pays them?  You typically don't pay rent for a place that you're not living in.

    And you mention some contract that is coming up for renewal.  What contract?  For the dish?  Honey, your husband can call and cancel that at any time...........you know that, right?

    I get the feeling that you two are either quite young or quite slow in the mental department.  I don't know how else to explain why you're so willing to be taken advantage of.

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  • image imoan:
    image tas1883:

    My H always paid the electric bill as his rent and then the trash bill when his parents were gone during the winter.  Plus my H pays for the DISH that is at there place and then they also use in their motorhome (this one is a big issue with me since we don't get to watch it since it isn't at our house).  This is supposed to be more rent payment and was started right after I first started seeing him and is on contract which is coming up for renewel soon. Last winter we turned the heat way down and kept the electric bill really cheap and took our trash out to their place for pick up since we don't have trash pick up.  I want to cancel the trash when they are gone but they can't do that because then their bill will be higher, something to do with locked in rates.  No I want his parents to be responsible for their bills even if it is transfering us $ to pay their bills.  We could use the money else where instead of on two different electric bills and DISH bill that we don't watch.

    They asked for the dirt when they had their big talk.  This was the first time that we saw them since the big talk so didn't know about the not talking thing. 

    Your follow up did not clear anything up.  Your H doesn't live there but you guys feel responsible for paying a portion of their expenses?!  I still have my WTF-Face going on over here!

    I don't get this either...WHY are you paying rent when your H moved out?  Tell his parents to pay for their own sh^t, and cancel anything they don't move to their name!

  • Cut. the. cord.  They're adults and adults have bills.  Get over it.  Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with them until they are capable of having a healthy relationship.  Your husband is not responsible for their bills.  My mind is about to explode with how ridiculous it is for them to think they're entitled to coast by on your dime. 

    You've got your work cut out for you.  Good luck.

  • WendyGRWendyGR member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Oh wow, every time you post I feel worse for you. I'm glad he's at least making SOME progress. I didn't realize before that you were paying for all this stuff! I think it would be better in the long run if you can do it in one fell swoop. He made a good start, but you need to cut off ALL the financial support, caretaking, and yardwork until they get it through their thick skulls that their son is married now and is not responsible for them. Think of it like taking off a band-aid. It's better to do it fast, completely, and get it over with.
  • Having read this and your prior posts, I have to ask - Is there some contract between your H and his parents where he has agreed to buy the house?  Is the house in his name?  And do you know the answer to any of these questions for a fact?

    I can see paying the DISH bill if he signed up for a service while living there and they didn't want it and are now locked into a long term contract.  But why would it be his responsibility to pay any of the other utilities when he is not living in the house unless it is actually his house?

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  • srs5624srs5624 member

    Unless the bills are in his name, you are under no obligation to pay them.

    For example, he was living at his parent's house and he decided to get a satellite dish installed (I'm assuming here). If he signed a long term contract and the account is still in his name, then yes, you are responsible for that. He should have had the account cancelled and paid the early termination fee, but that's beside the point.

    Again, if the account is not in his name you are NOT responsible for it.

    The solution: Cancel any services in his name, suck it up and pay the early termination fees, and stop paying anything that is not in your name. Of couse this only works if he didn't sign some sort of stupid contract saying that he'll be responsible for all bills while his parents are out of town... does something like this exist? If so, lawyer up and check the validity of that contract.

    If there's no contract, the stop paying! His parents will figure it out when their credit goes to sh!t and they keep getting collections calls.

  • His parents added his name to the deed of the house 6 years ago when they started snow birding so he would have the house incase something happened to them (they have no will or estate planning and don't think they need it).  I don't know if there is a true contact with his parents on his rent paying or not.  Knowing them it is just verbal.  I do know he keeps his boat, ATV, and all his shop tools at there place in the barn.  We live in town and don't have enough room for all his "big boy toys", I am starting to get him to bring some tools in slowly by having him work on projects.  Do I take it into my own hands and call Dish and cancel the service that is in his name or transfer it to our home?  All the other bills are in his parents name. I'm trying to get my H to take action instead of me doing it and then it will always be my wife did it be mad at her. I know it is wrong and that we are being taken advantage of but how do you make others see it?  My parents see it and are trying to stay out of it and let me handle things. Do I take action myself and cancel what I can and not pay the bills and be the bad guy or make my H suck it up and take care of it. 
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  • image tas1883:
    His parents added his name to the deed of the house 6 years ago when they started snow birding so he would have the house incase something happened to them (they have no will or estate planning and don't think they need it).  I don't know if there is a true contact with his parents on his rent paying or not.  Knowing them it is just verbal.  I do know he keeps his boat, ATV, and all his shop tools at there place in the barn.  We live in town and don't have enough room for all his "big boy toys", I am starting to get him to bring some tools in slowly by having him work on projects.  Do I take it into my own hands and call Dish and cancel the service that is in his name or transfer it to our home?  All the other bills are in his parents name. I'm trying to get my H to take action instead of me doing it and then it will always be my wife did it be mad at her. I know it is wrong and that we are being taken advantage of but how do you make others see it?  My parents see it and are trying to stay out of it and let me handle things. Do I take action myself and cancel what I can and not pay the bills and be the bad guy or make my H suck it up and take care of it. 

    Um, wow.  I think I'd have no problem being "the bad guy" (AKA the responsible adult who refuses to be a doormat) if you decide to stop letting some ILs who refuse to speak to you leech off of you further.

    Get your DH's "boy toys" out of there, use the money you've been putting towards their bills to store them elsewhere, and cut these ties NOW.  Sounds like they're going to treat you like crap no matter what you do, so you might as well get your money out of the deal, right? 

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • Your H needs to suck it up and take care of it.
  • srs5624srs5624 member

    image tas1883:
    His parents added his name to the deed of the house 6 years ago when they started snow birding so he would have the house incase something happened to them (they have no will or estate planning and don't think they need it).  I don't know if there is a true contact with his parents on his rent paying or not.  Knowing them it is just verbal.  I do know he keeps his boat, ATV, and all his shop tools at there place in the barn.  We live in town and don't have enough room for all his "big boy toys", I am starting to get him to bring some tools in slowly by having him work on projects.  Do I take it into my own hands and call Dish and cancel the service that is in his name or transfer it to our home?  All the other bills are in his parents name. I'm trying to get my H to take action instead of me doing it and then it will always be my wife did it be mad at her. I know it is wrong and that we are being taken advantage of but how do you make others see it?  My parents see it and are trying to stay out of it and let me handle things. Do I take action myself and cancel what I can and not pay the bills and be the bad guy or make my H suck it up and take care of it. 

    OMG! You need to lawyer up. His name should not be on that deed. The appropriate way to leave something to a child in case of death is through a will. They have totally just manipulated him into being responsible for that house. Wow.

  • Oh, honey...this gets worse the more you post...this is bad.

    Your H needs to deal with this and get out of this bloody mess. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? They get mad? Well, they're there already, so you may as well get your freedom and your sanity back in the process. This isn't worth it. They sound so manipulative. I feel for you.

  • Get a storage unit and a lawyer..... then cut ties. Holy mess. This is why you don't take things for free..... or without documentation..... there are always strings attached that get tangled and cause nasty snarls between parties.

  • I think you need your H to handle this, because if you try to do it before he's REALLY on board... something tells me he will go around you and continue the crazy in some way.
  • srs5624srs5624 member

    image ibis:
    I think you need your H to handle this, because if you try to do it before he's REALLY on board... something tells me he will go around you and continue the crazy in some way.

    Ditto Ibis. You need to talk to your DH. If he doesn't understand what this is doing to you, tell him that you are scheduling an appointment for a legal consultation (they're usually free) to discuss this mess.

    Then, schedule an appointment (oth of you need to go) and lay everything out for the lawyer; don't leave anything out. Ask them what can be done. You are under no obligation to retain the services of the lawyer, you're just getting information.

    If your DH still doesn't get it, then it's time to think of your own future and if you want to be involved in this mess forever.

  • being that I work for an estate planning attorney I understand the whole putting him on the deed (I assume they set it up as reserving a life estate for themselves but that may not be the case) and without a will the house legally would then pass to him. However there are other ways to do that such as a Revocable Living Trust--- not sure about the laws where you are but honestly a will will not prevent probate, it only makes probate easier.

     

    I agree with the other posters- get a lawyer, explain everything, and get the lawyer to help you and your h sort this out. If your h is unwilling to put on big boy pants and deal with his parents then you have more then IL problems!

  • It is vey difficult when parents use silence to punish. It's hard to imagine how painful it is, but it is VERY painful.  I feel bad that your DH made his case and got treated like that.  I hope you feel empowered by all of the shocked responses that his parents are very wrong. Very.  I venture to guess that his parents made it seem like they were doing your DH a favor by letting him live in their home rent-free in exchange for him maintaining a few bills like the electric and trash and DISH .. and doing maintance and yard work on the property.  The truth is, that it was a favor to them, too. They had someone maintaining the property and paying bills on the months they were not in residence and a home they could use at will. 

    It is very odd that they are so out of touch from reality that they don't see how unreasonable it is to pretend he is single and living there and responsible for their property.   Maybe they just got too used to it.  Maybe your DH did, too.  Maybe they aren't good with change.  Or are doing some selective amnesia to cope with reality.

    Your DH did the right thing.  I hope he doesn't cave.  Leaving his parents to their own resources is the RIGHT thing to do, even if they don't want to do it.

    I'll leave you with this thought .... remeber that feeling of guilt and hurt you had while they were ignoring you in the garden? ... remember the sense of power and relief you had when you walked away ... imagine displeasing them in the future and having to STILL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS THEM, THEIR HOUSE.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • If he is using the property then it is not unreasonable to pay something in return.  Dry docking a boat and storing tools can get pricey. It makes a bit more sense that his parents would want him to continue paying bills, if he is using the property.  It does take a bit of thunder out of his arguement to say that he has moved out when he has not, in fact, moved his stuff out.

    You can make a clean break of it by making arrangments for the boat and other toys at propper storage facilities and/or sell them.  

    Less of a clean break, but perhaps mutually beneficial to all parties is to pay for the storage - outright.  Stop with covering this bill and that. Just pay a flat fee.  It may break even.  Who knows, maybe fair market value would have you paying more (lets hope not) - at least it is clear.  Then it is THEIR choice to cut the trash or pay it. THEIR choice to close the house or keep the heat going.   The whole thing is a lot more clear and reflective of an adult relationship.

    As for the deed, it would be good to know your legal and/or finacial responsibilities.  I think he can sign a quit claim fairly easily if he chooses to remove his name.  And his parents should have a will.  Their not doing DH any favors without one. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image Lady Disdain:

    image tas1883:
    His parents added his name to the deed of the house 6 years ago when they started snow birding so he would have the house incase something happened to them (they have no will or estate planning and don't think they need it).  I don't know if there is a true contact with his parents on his rent paying or not.  Knowing them it is just verbal.  I do know he keeps his boat, ATV, and all his shop tools at there place in the barn.  We live in town and don't have enough room for all his "big boy toys", I am starting to get him to bring some tools in slowly by having him work on projects.  Do I take it into my own hands and call Dish and cancel the service that is in his name or transfer it to our home?  All the other bills are in his parents name. I'm trying to get my H to take action instead of me doing it and then it will always be my wife did it be mad at her. I know it is wrong and that we are being taken advantage of but how do you make others see it?  My parents see it and are trying to stay out of it and let me handle things. Do I take action myself and cancel what I can and not pay the bills and be the bad guy or make my H suck it up and take care of it. 

    Um, wow.  I think I'd have no problem being "the bad guy" (AKA the responsible adult who refuses to be a doormat) if you decide to stop letting some ILs who refuse to speak to you leech off of you further.

    Get your DH's "boy toys" out of there, use the money you've been putting towards their bills to store them elsewhere, and cut these ties NOW.  Sounds like they're going to treat you like crap no matter what you do, so you might as well get your money out of the deal, right? 

    Ditto, ditto, ditto.  By the end of June, your DH needs to:

    1. get everything that's his out of his parents' house.

    2. cancel or transfer any utilities that are in his name at his parents'.

    3. find storage for or sell anything you guys can't store on your own.

    4. DH lets his parents know that he no longer rents a portion of their house or is responsible for any bills.

    FYI -- being on the deed does not make you responsible for the note/mortgage on the house.

    Your DH has created this situation where his parents feel they have a claim on him because he hasn't separated his life from them completely.  He probably feels somewhat beholden to them because his stuff is still at their house and he still considers it "home" to some extent.

    Distance and boundaries.

  • You know what?  You should buy the damn  house.  Buy it at a ridiculously low rate- cite the fact that DH is in the construction field and you own a business and money is tight.  Ask that they pay all closing costs and no down payment.  Close Sept 1st; they leave for warm weather from the conference room and leave the key in your hot little hands. 

    Than, sell it. 

    Make an huge profit on it.  Buy your own area to store things.  Also, look at all the advice you have been given: seek marriage counselling, speak up for yourself (FIL cracks a joke, look him straight in the eye, arch an eyebrow and say "Holy inappropriate comment, Batman"), and avoid them like hell.

     GOOD LUCK!  (And double up on birth control unless you want these folks in your delivery room with you- seriously.) 

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