Trouble in Paradise
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Canceling wedding thoughts...

Okay, I am about to be married in 30 days and last evening my FI threw such a fit that I am seriously re-questioning what the heck I am doing.  We definately have a communication problem but the other night escaladed highly-I left my house even. We have been together 5 years and I am now wondering what am I doing...we love each other but are we doing the right thing?

I know no one can really give me direct advice but thoughts?

Re: Canceling wedding thoughts...

  • Have you done any premarital counseling?  Do you have a priest/pastor/etc. who is marrying you that you can talk to?
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  • Wedding jitters is one thing, but if you are truly questioning whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, call off the wedding for now. Your divorce will be much more expensive than losing the money you've already spent on the wedding.

  • Better to lose a few deposits in the short term and really figure out if this is right, than jump in and realize you've made a huge mistake.  Honestly if your asking this question seriously you should call it off. 

    From the secondhand experince of my sister it was the best decision she ever made. 

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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    Can you expand on "threw such a fit" entailed?
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  • I don't know, jitters can cause doubts sometimes too and can cause us to over-react or even question whether or not we want to spend the rest of our lives with our s/o.

    You say you've been together for five years; is this the first time you've noticed the communication problem to the point it's making you question your relationship? Communication is a really important component in a relationship...

  • What was the fit about?

    Can you give us some more backstory?

     That you said you and he have a communication problem isn't great -- let's say for a second there was no incident where he had a fit and (I guess) blew up and lost his temper: communication problems have to be addressed and on the way to resolution before you're married.

    (It could be a case of both of you have differing styles in conveying information itself: example: maybe you grew up in a house where everybody was quiet and kept on the DL to themselves whenever a conflict or issue came up -- and he's the louder, more verbal type who says it and says it anyway he wants, no matter how brusque or blunt it is. The both of you need to more or less, in this case, meet on a common ground and discuss whatever issues there are in a rational manner: you'd need to speak up and become more verbal and he'd have to calm down and be less blunt.)

    If we can also have background on what type of communication problem it is, that would be good too.

  • image imoan:
    Can you expand on "threw such a fit" entailed?

    Agreed. ?That's something I'd like to know before I open my mouth.?

  • I doubt you'd regret postponing the wedding and then working things out later. 

    I am sure you'd regret going ahead with the wedding and not working things out later. 

    It can't hurt to take the time to figure out your communication and if this is the right thing for you both.  Take the pressure off your relationship and postpone things.  You'll feel better if you aren't under the stress to make a decision in 30 days.  A few lost deposits are better than a divorce.

     

  • Go to www.theregoesthebride.com.  Lots of good advice there.
  • Postpone it.

    It will give you time to think about what you want.

    Go to counseling together and wait at least another year to get married.

    If it was bad enough to leave the house over, you need to wait.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I definitely can't tell you that 'you are doing the right thing' without knowing more info.  However, I can tell you that it is very common to wonder if you are doing the right thing 30 days before the wedding.  I think that you know if you are doing the right thing or not.  I imagine that canceling a wedding would not only be expensive, but embarrassing but I am sure a divorce a year down the road would be worse. 
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  • image albl508:
    IHowever, I can tell you that it is very common to wonder if you are doing the right thing 30 days before the wedding.   

    Actually, no, I don't think this is common.

    I certainly didn't feel this way and neither did my happily married friends.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • well, the arguement is due to the fact he is insecure-i went out after work with friends (at least that is what he told me that he is insecure) I have never given him a reason to be jealous ever and really don't understand the insecure thing now....anyway-he got home started drinking (this is day after I went out for happy hour), I left him at home to head  to my alteration appointment, came back he is drunk- rude and telling me that our home is in fact HIS house and yadda, yadda, yadda..then even called the cops on me and claimed domestic because I turned the radio down and he wanted it left up......dumb and embarrassing

    I do love him and just lately I have been getting nervous and wondering if in fact this is for me...I have exactly 30 days until our wedding

    hope this info helps

  • So he yelled at you while drunk and called the police. Nice.

    I think you need to postpone and move out.

    And consider calling it off.

    Do you have a friend, sister, aunt, etc, whom you can talk to about this? Someone that wont judge you - just listen and help you decide that not getting married in 30 days is the best thing for you?

    ETA  - Please say that you realize that you deserve better than this. Real men don't do this to their wives.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • the cops even told me to re think any wedding thoughts....

     Ugh-i am sick over all of this. Sick and nervous and ..... lost

     

    Thank you for your honesty

  • There's a big difference between reasonable insecurity eg. I love you and trust you but I just need a quick little kiss for reassurance once in a while because I think you're hot and that any man would want you.

    And crazy unreasonable insecurity involving alochol, verbal abuse and the police.

    One is sweet and human nature.

    The other is the beginnings of what could become a very controlling relationship.

    You are feeling big hesitations and you should listen to them.

    The worst that will happen from postponing the wedding is that you lose some deposits and end up marrying him somewhere down the track.

    I think you know the right thing to do is postpone so talk to someone you can trust who will support youa nd not guilt you or pressure you into getting married whenit doesn't feel right.

    Also be prepared for when you tell your FI you want to postpone/cancel that he will beg and plead and tell you how sorry he is, how great you are, how much he loves you and that he'll never do anything like this again.

    Good luck.?

    ?

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  • image ZestofLime:

    image albl508:
    IHowever, I can tell you that it is very common to wonder if you are doing the right thing 30 days before the wedding.   

    Actually, no, I don't think this is common.

    I certainly didn't feel this way and neither did my happily married friends.

    I can't agree strongly enough! 30 days before I married XH, I had what I thought were "cold feet".  I was DREADING the thought of getting married to him, but told myself it was normal pre-wedding jitters. God, I wish I had listened to my gut!

    With DH, I had absolutely no doubt that this was the right thing to do. With your strong negative feelings, and FI's douchetastic behavior, I would strongly advise you to postpone the wedding for now.

    ETA: From my experience (and I may be way off on this one), the personality that comes out when someone has been drinking is a pretty true one. I don't claim to be an expert, but I did spend 20 years in the Navy, and everyone knows how sailors like to drink!

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  • image soon_an_elbert:

    the cops even told me to re think any wedding thoughts....

    If the police are telling you to rethink your wedding plans and that is your gut feeling...then cancel the wedding.

    As many a poster on this board has said, lost deposits are a LOT less expensive than the cost of a divorce.

    And if my DH had pulled a douche move like your FI, I would have kicked him to the curb so fast.  I have no patience or tolerance for a man who doesn't treat me with respect.

  • image ZestofLime:

    image albl508:
    IHowever, I can tell you that it is very common to wonder if you are doing the right thing 30 days before the wedding.   

    Actually, no, I don't think this is common.

    I certainly didn't feel this way and neither did my happily married friends.

     Ok, I agree that it's not common along HAPPILY married people.  But it is common.  I hear about it all the time.  That's probably why the divorce rate is so high. 

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  • image soon_an_elbert:

    well, the arguement is due to the fact he is insecure-i went out after work with friends (at least that is what he told me that he is insecure) I have never given him a reason to be jealous ever and really don't understand the insecure thing now....anyway-he got home started drinking (this is day after I went out for happy hour), I left him at home to head  to my alteration appointment, came back he is drunk- rude and telling me that our home is in fact HIS house and yadda, yadda, yadda..then even called the cops on me and claimed domestic because I turned the radio down and he wanted it left up......dumb and embarrassing

    I do love him and just lately I have been getting nervous and wondering if in fact this is for me...I have exactly 30 days until our wedding

    hope this info helps

    He got po'd because you wanted to go out with friends? Controlling behavior.

    And then he remedied this problem by getting loaded and then saying your joint home was HIS house.

    I agree: call this wedding off. There's already too many red flags here.

     

  • image soon_an_elbert:

    the cops even told me to re think any wedding thoughts....

     Ugh-i am sick over all of this. Sick and nervous and ..... lost

     

    Thank you for your honesty

    If the cops are telling you to call it off, listen to them.  They observed the situation. 

    I've been through a broken engagement -- the wedding was called off less than 3 months beforehand.  Yes, it was somewhat embarrassing, and yes, I lost some money.  But I found that the vast majority of my friends and family were very supportive. 

    It is far, far better to have a cancelled or postponed wedding now than a divorce later.   As the old saying goes, "marry at haste, repent at leisure."  If I had married my ex-fiance, we would have been divorced within a year.  He was a cheater with anger and control issues.  I deserved much better.  And you deserve much better, too.

    Here's my advice:

    1) Postpone the wedding.  You don't have to necessarily call off the engagement altogether just yet, but definitely postpone the wedding and don't continue to plan to get married in 30 days.

    2) Get some therapy.  Lots of therapy.

    3) Then figure out whether you should in fact marry this man in the future.

     

    Please postpone the wedding.

  • I postponed my wedding and it was the best thing I ever did.  We went to counseling and now have a better relationship than we did before.  Yes every couple has bad days but what you described would make me want to postpone if not cancel.  I strongly suggest counseling, it may take a while but is worth it.
  • I think you know what you need to do.......listen to your gut! Good luck.
  • image soon_an_elbert:

    well, the arguement is due to the fact he is insecure-i went out after work with friends (at least that is what he told me that he is insecure) I have never given him a reason to be jealous ever and really don't understand the insecure thing now....anyway-he got home started drinking (this is day after I went out for happy hour), I left him at home to head  to my alteration appointment, came back he is drunk- rude and telling me that our home is in fact HIS house and yadda, yadda, yadda..then even called the cops on me and claimed domestic because I turned the radio down and he wanted it left up......dumb and embarrassing

    I do love him and just lately I have been getting nervous and wondering if in fact this is for me...I have exactly 30 days until our wedding

    hope this info helps

     

    Are you Shiitting us? RED FLAG!!!!!!! He is one azzhole. I would call off the wedding period. If he's doing this now, wait until your married and it will be worst, BIG TIME.........

  • Mrs.H.Mrs.H. member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    all I have to say is that things will NOT change after you are married, so you need to think long and hard about what your life will be like.

     

  • he is drunk- rude and telling me that our home is in fact HIS house and yadda, yadda, yadda..then even called the cops on me and claimed domestic because I turned the radio down and he wanted it left up......dumb and embarrassing.

    After a stunt like this,  you couldn't pay me to marry this guy.    There is no excuse.   This is not a case of the wedding jitters.  Wedding jitters do not lead to getting sh!tfaced and calling the cops on your SO.   Unacceptable, and a huge red flag.   

    I think it's also worrisome that he gets drunk in the first place, just because you went to happy hour with friends.   You don't want to have to deal with someone else's insecurity your entire life.   It'll ruin your marriage.  Even if you stop going out with friends, stop seeing your family, stop going to the grocery store, stop talking on the phone....an insecure spouse will STILL think that somehow you're being unfaithful (by the way, the above examples are escalated examples of an abusive/controlling spouse).  

    You have a golden opportunity here to get out before you're stuck.    Who cares about the embarassment or the money.    Personally, if anyone asked, I'd tell them exactly what happened.    You have nothing to be embarassed about if you decide to make such a smart decision. 

    I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I think marrying this guy would be a HUGE mistake. 

  • While under the influence he said Our house is My house?

     Remember: alcohol is a hell of a truth serum.

     Trust your gut on this. This guy's not worth your big toe.

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