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big fight with DH last night : (

Last night DH and I got into it over the same thing we alway argue about (his failure to help out around the house).  Unfortunately, we've got a super busy weekend...he's graduating tomorrow. So we've been trying to get the house clean and get ready for the invasion of the in-laws and the barbeque we're hosting on Saturday.  I was at work/running errands for 12 hours yesterday and came home to find almost NOTHING done that I'd asked him to do.  I just lost it on him. It got ugly.

I finally just went to bed b/c nothing was getting resolved and I was exhausted.  Normally, I'd go home tonight and we'd eventually hash it out. BUT when I get home today, my house will be filled with DH's family, so that's not gonna happen.  I've got to go home and cook dinner for them. Then when they leave, I've got to finish getting ready for the rest of the weekend and make up for all the stuff I didn't get done last night b/c we were yelling at each other...

I don't know what to do. I'm so angry and tired.  Part of me just wants to tell DH to cancel the party and he can take his family out to dinner tonight. (In fact, I did tell him that mid-fight last night, but I don't think he realized how serious I was.)  I have zero desire to do anything for him or his family after some of the crappy things he said to me last night. But then I feel overwhelming guilt that this is a special weekend for him and I'm being bitchy (which is totally justified).  I wish I could be super-woman. I wish I could work all day and come home and clean the house so he could truly enjoy this special moment in his life, but I can't do it all and it sucks that I can't count on him.  And I really don't want to go home and put a Stepford Wives' smile on my face and make dinner and pretend that I'm a happy little wife.  If this were the first time we'd had this argument, I would suck it up, but it's like the 10th time...so I'm getting a little sick of rehashing it over and over....

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do.  I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.  If anyone has some advice (or some xanax ), I could use it.  Thanks for making it this far...

Re: big fight with DH last night : (

  • If Ihad some Xanax, I would definitely consider sharing Stick out tongue

    On a more serious note, I think a lot of couples struggle with this. DH and I did for awhile, but eventually, I think it just sunk in. Occasionally, I still have to remind him to do little things, but all in all, I'm blessed. I know that doesn't help you. 

    BUT, I have discovered when I give DH a list, he gets so much more done. His biggest problem is he forgets or isn't sure what I need him to do. We had a huge blowout before the wedding because I was overwhelmed and couldn't do everything myself. I didn't want to make a list because I didn't want to demean him (or be his mother), but I asked if that would help and he said yes. The difference was night and day. 

    Good luck! 

  • The last time I did give him a detailed list. I told him I'd rather him call me 100 times at work to ask about something than to just not do it. this time I gave him a broader list, hoping he'd retained things from last time.  I guess not.  It sucks that I have to tell a grown man that "clean the guest room" really means: dust the night stand, dust the tv stand, clean the mirror, dust the head board, wash the sheets, make the bed, put away laundry, vaccum the floors, etc...
  • I am sorry that you have to go through that. Girl, I thought that I was the only one with this problem. I am not sure if your DH is as bad as mine, but sometimes I want to ( fill in the blank). It does get tiresome arguing about the same thing. I don't think that you should feel guilty. I understand that this is his big weekend, but that doesn't get him out of cleaning and doing his part. I would think that he would want to clean up and help out since his family is coming into town. He doesn't get exempt from it because of graduation. Is there anyway that he can make dinner before you get home?
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  • DH and I struggle with this issue A LOT.  It's hard for me not to feel resentful when I work, do all of the cleaning, cooking, dishes, decorating in addition to running after work, reading, baking, etc.  He gets home from work and plays video games.  And then he complains when I ask him to dry a pan or do some yardwork?  WTF?

    But yeah, I agree with Devon with the lists.  DETAILED lists.  You would think its demeaning to spell out the steps to cleaning a bathroom, but surprisingly, otherwise they just don't know...

  • I have no advice because DH & I fight about this all the time too. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone & I understand your frustration.

  • Thanks girls. It's a relief to know that this appears to be something all men suffer from. I thought I just had an idiot husband.  I'm glad to know that it's not just us.

  • FI and I have this problem too.  Before living with me the only other person he lived with was his mommy.  So yeah.. it's a little hard getting him to wash clothes.  It is a plus, however, that he picks up after himself.  He just doesn't like to help clean the bathrooms and stuff like that.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I hope you guys work it out.

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  • image GatorHightowers:
    The last time I did give him a detailed list. I told him I'd rather him call me 100 times at work to ask about something than to just not do it. this time I gave him a broader list, hoping he'd retained things from last time.  I guess not.  It sucks that I have to tell a grown man that "clean the guest room" really means: dust the night stand, dust the tv stand, clean the mirror, dust the head board, wash the sheets, make the bed, put away laundry, vaccum the floors, etc...

    DH and I argue about this all the time as well.  We both work but then I come home to do whatever chores need to be done and make dinner & feed the dogs while he is usually on his laptop catching up on football news...ugh! 

    I do agree with the other ladies that detailed lists are a must!!!  I have found that if we both sit down on like Sunday evening and make a huge list of everything that needs to get done for the week and then cross it off once it is completed, he seems to get more accomplished without me constantly having to nag him to help out.  Like you, to me "clean the guest room" includes all of the stuff you mentioned but men don't seem to think that way.  When I ask my DH to clean the bathroom he thinks that means to spray bleach water on the shower tiles and suddenly the whole bathroom is clean to him.

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  • We both work but then I come home to do whatever chores need to be done and make dinner & feed the dogs while he is usually on his laptop catching up on football news...ugh! 

    I know, right? I'm not sure why it seems right to them to get home and loaf for hours on end when we're clearly doing things that need to be done.

  • Sadly, in our house, I think I am the one who could help out more.  My problem is that I have a tendency to start something, then flit out of the room and into another room and start something else, so one task never really gets finished.

    The bigger problem that we have is that we don't plan our meals.  Often, DH and I will chat about what to have for dinner and then he asks me to stop at the store on the way home, which irritates me because when I leave work, I want to go home, not have to make a pitstop.  I guess it comes down to planning and making sure that what we think we're getting across is the message that the DH receives.

    I hope things work out!

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  • image duncanpowers:

    I'm not sure why it seems right to them to get home and loaf for hours on end when we're clearly doing things that need to be done.

    Seriously!  I feel guilty enough spending some time on the Nest when I get back home and there are chores to be done.

    DH and I never felt like a 1950s couple until we moved in together.  I had always considered him neat, but I guess I never (in the 6.5 years I dated him) realized how much cleaner I prefer things than he does.  Now it's like I do all of the cooking and cleaning - it's so frustrating.  I bring it up to him occasionally, but things haven't really shifted yet.

    I also find DH does better with a list, or one or two things I'll ask him verbally to do while I'm at work for 4-6 hours.  That makes me feel a little better.

  • it's definitely not just you who feels this way.  i went on travel for work recently and all i asked was that DH did laundry while I was gone. guess what didn't happen? 

     i do think though, that it's best to be united and on the same page when family visits.  because even though youre mad, you'll eventually work it out and forgive him.  but family doesn't go through that smae forgiveness process.  so it;s really best for you all to not let them experience the disagreements. 

    you guys can handle this!  i see in your other post how he is making an effort to help you out, which is awesome.  you can focus on how much you love him and support him this weekend, and then after family is gone you can have "the talk" if you feel like you still need it.

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