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MIL forcing me to call her "Mom"!!??

I know this may seem petty to most of you guys but it is something that is constantly driving me nuts.  My MIL is evil.  Seriously, she is.  She is the type of person that cuts you out of wedding photos, tells everyone that you're a racist (when you're not), she tells you that you're an ugly bride and cant believe her son is ruining his life, tries to ruin your wedding and turn your husband against you.  She comes into your house and takes over, she throws things at you, she breaks things on purpose, calls you names, and treats you like a lowly slave.  That's putting it lightly.

Anyway, she has been insisting that I call her "Mom".  I told her from the beginning that I didnt feel comfortable calling her "Mom", so she threw a fit.  Since then, every time my husband talks to her, she throws a tantrum about how I am such a biotch because I dont call her "Mom".  My husband tells her that she cant force me, and then she belittles him and guilts him into believing he is a bad son, and a wimp because he cant "control his wife".  She used to call me and do the same to me, until I stopped taking her calls.  Now she sends me rude and obnoxious emails telling me I must call her "Mom", still calling me names, saying its part of her culture for the daughter-in-law to call her MIL "Mom".

I always remind her that I am not part of her culture, and was raised completely different, and what should matter to her the most is that I am uncomfortable with addressing her as my "mom".  I dont get how she can completely overlook the fact that I am uncomfortable!!  She says that I belong to her now, since I married her son, I no longer have a mother, she is my mother.  Its just crazy!

I guess the reason I dont just end the crazyness and succumb to calling her "mom" is because I feel its tremendously disrespectful to my own mother.  My mom has been there since the day I was born, and has sacrificed so much, and taught me so much, and has given so much.  My MIL has given nothing, she's rude, callous, vindictive, hatefull, and selfish, I would never want to call someone like that "mom", its just disrespectful towards my own mother!!  Plus, for my MIL this is something she feels if she "wins" at, then she can control me for the duration of my life.  She will always say, "you didnt want to call me mom, and now you do, so why cant you do what I am asking you to do now?".  I know this because I tried calling her mom, and I felt like throwing up every single time I said it, and she throws that in my face all of the time (you called me mom once, why cant you do it now?).

I guess I just wanted to vent.  Im pretty angry at my husband for not growing a backbone and making his mother stop doing this to me.  After she's badgered him for hours at a time, he will come to me and yell at me saying he doesnt want his parents to die before they hear me call them mom n dad.  His mother uses the death tactic on him all the time.  I know that if he cant give her limitations, our marriage will suffer because of it.   There's a lot of cultural issues at play here as well, my H and MIL are from India, and I am from Texas.  My H's family really does believe that I am their property now, as it has been ingrained into their minds for centuries.

Did any of your MILS try and force you to call them "Mom"?  How did you guys deal with it?  Furthermore, how did you deal with a husband that couldnt give his mother boundaries?   I dont know what I should do, but I am DEFINITELY not calling her "Mom".  She doesnt deserve it.

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Re: MIL forcing me to call her "Mom"!!??

  • I've read several of your posts before and your in-laws give you so much grief.  Did any of this happen before you were married?  If so, did you think your in-laws would just magically disapear?

    I don't know what advice to give because if I were in your shoes, I'd divorce a man before ever putting up with crazies for in-laws.  

  • All I can say is WOW, oh and your MIL is a b*itch a** c**t. I can't believe that she is actually forcing her culture on you! Does she realize that she's not in India anymore? With the whole throwing things and such, I would not let her in my house. I also agree with you on how your husband needs to grow a backbone. Put your foot down hard with him. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to treat someone like this. I would think that this is harrassment (sp?)

    I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

  • No, she never forced me, asked me, insisted etc,

    I married a man with balls, I actually have my own set, and I would not tolerate any of the crap that goes on in your relationship. I actually do not know why you have ANY contact with this woman at all.

    No one can make you do anything, no one can disrepect you unless YOU continue to allow them to do so.



  •  Im pretty angry at my husband for not growing a backbone and making his mother stop doing this to me.

    Why dont you grow one of your own?

    How old are the 2 of you?



  • image magsugar13:

    No, she never forced me, asked me, insisted etc,

    I married a man with balls, I actually have my own set, and I would not tolerate any of the crap that goes on in your relationship. I actually do not know why you have ANY contact with this woman at all.

    No one can make you do anything, no one can disrepect you unless YOU continue to allow them to do so.

    This.

    DH would have never talked to his mother again if she said one of the things to me that your MIL has said to you.  I wouldn't have married into a family that treated me like this either.

  • image Soulchild777:

     

    She comes into your house and takes over, she throws things at you, she breaks things on purpose, calls you names, and treats you like a lowly slave.  That's putting it lightly.

     She says that I belong to her now, since I married her son, I no longer have a mother, she is my mother. 

    I guess I just wanted to vent.  Im pretty angry at my husband for not growing a backbone and making his mother stop doing this to me.  After she's badgered him for hours at a time, he will come to me and yell at me saying he doesnt want his parents to die before they hear me call them mom n dad.  His mother uses the death tactic on him all the time.  I know that if he cant give her limitations, our marriage will suffer because of it.   There's a lot of cultural issues at play here as well, my H and MIL are from India, and I am from Texas.  My H's family really does believe that I am their property now, as it has been ingrained into their minds for centuries.

    Did any of your MILS try and force you to call them "Mom"?  How did you guys deal with it?  Furthermore, how did you deal with a husband that couldnt give his mother boundaries?   I dont know what I should do, but I am DEFINITELY not calling her "Mom".  She doesnt deserve it.

     

    OMG This is crazy!

     You hit the nail on the head within your own post- your H NEEDS to step up. This is never going to end until he does. When he sits on the phone listening to his mother belittle you, he is enabling her. When he allows her to come into YOUR home and THROW things at you, he is enabling her. When he listens to her call you her "property", he is enabling her.

    Your H needs to grow a set and tell his mother that: 1) you are not property. I understand that there are some cultural conflicts at play here, but it's not like you were traded for a dowry of a cow and 4 pigs; 2) you don't have to call her "mom" if you don't want to; and most importantly 3) he is not going to talk to her over the phone or communicate with her in any way until she stops demeaning you.

    Tell him the next time she comes into your house and throws something at you, you'll be calling the police.

     

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  • i haven't read any of the post aside from the title, but i have to ask:

    is she holding you at gunpoint or something? ?she can't force you to say something if you don't want to, you know.?

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  • I agree with all of you guys!

     When H and I first started dating, up until we were engaged, his mother was such a sweet woman.  At one point she gave me a tearful story about how she always wanted a daughter and she had always planned on naming her what my name is.  She said that God never blessed her with a daughter until she met me, and she was so thanksful and so blessed and loved me so much.  Prior to getting married, my H and my ILs all got along just fine.  The day of the wedding and afterward is when everything (and everyone) started going crazy.

    She is no longer permitted to set foot in our house, H sticks to this and agrees with it.  I no longer have any type of contact with her.  I stopped communicating with her via telephone a long time ago.  Although I read her emails (I know...I know...eventhough angering they sure are entertaining), I do not write her back. So I did put my foot down as far as her interactions with me, as I refuse to so much as talk to her, email her, or be in the same room as her.  My husband is fine with me not having any contact with her. 

    I guess what bothers me really is that she still does this, and also because my H will let her.  He doesnt see it as such a big deal since its only him and her and only over the phone.  He says he is stuck in the middle, and he is, but I have never asked him to choose between me or his mother.  I just asked him to stick up for me and give his mother boundaries and limitations.  When she cant adhere to these, then she doesnt get to talk to him on the phone (since thats the only contact he has with her, unless she is in the states on holiday).  He thinks that he is being disrespectful to his mother.  In his culture, the mother is the giver of life, and the sons will be forever indebted to their mothers for giving them life.  She lays this on thick, she threatens suicide, she threatens to harm herself, she says my H will be responsible for killing his dad.  My H falls for this crap every single time. 

    I love my H, a lot, he is a really good man, he just thinks he has no right to tell his mother to stop, as thats how the culture is, and how he has beenj brought up.  I wish I would have known all of this crap was going to happen before I married him.

  • image rori11:

    DH would have never talked to his mother again if she said one of the things to me that your MIL has said to you.  I wouldn't have married into a family that treated me like this either.

    Ditto.  No man is worth this sh!t, especially not a spineless Mama's boy.

  • OMG..i didnt even have to finish reading this before my jaw dropped! shes a HORRIBLE woman....im so sorry. i think ive read about your MIL before. you dont have to call her anything! no, i take that back, call her every word in the book! she seriously has some major issues! just cuz shes from india doesnt mean $hit to me! shes in america now!

  • If you dont have any contact with her at all WHY is this even an issue with you?



  •   I wish I would have known all of this crap was going to happen before I married him.

     

    are you saying you wish you never married him cuz of her??

  • My friend's MIL does not think it is appropriate for my friend to call her by her first name, so the choices were to call the MIL "mom" or Mrs. LastName. They have been married 4 years, and my friend always calls her Mrs. LastName
  • Well, your DH doesn't have to stop talking to her on the phone permanently, but he needs to start cutting the calls short the MOMENT she starts in on the mom thing.  "Mom- I'm not going to discuss this w/ you any further.  This is soulchilds choice and I support her.".  SHe keeps at it? "Mom- if you don't stop talking about this, then I'm going to hang up.".  She still keeps at it?  Then he needs to HANG UP.

    ANd he needs to do this EVERY time.  She keeps at this and needling him on it because he sits there and listens to her and argues w/ her.  As long as he talks about this, she will believe there is room for negotiation.

     

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  • Its an issue because she harasses H about it all of the time.  Its an issue because he tells me she harasses him about it all the time.  Its an issue because he allows her to do this.  If he wouldnt tell me this crap, and of course if I stopped reading her hilarious emails, and didnt have to see her ever, then it wouldnt be an issue.

    I say I wish I would have known this before I married him because I probably wouldnt have married him.  He is a good person and all, and we love eachother, but the fact that his entire family hates me, and he doesnt put them in their place, really enrages me.  I am a good person, and I deserve to have in-laws that arent going to abuse me and disrespect me when I haven't given them any reason to.  I am not saying that have to love me and think the sun shines out my ass, but I in the very least deserve civility.

  • image Soulchild777:

    I say I wish I would have known this before I married him because I probably wouldnt have married him.  He is a good person and all, and we love eachother, but the fact that his entire family hates me, and he doesnt put them in their place, really enrages me.  I am a good person, and I deserve to have in-laws that arent going to abuse me and disrespect me when I haven't given them any reason to.  I am not saying that have to love me and think the sun shines out my ass, but I in the very least deserve civility.

    If you're willing to walk over this, and I don't blame you, then it's time to issue an ultimatum.  But ultimati only work if you follow up on them.

  • I wouldn't 'deal' with any of the things you've said your MIL does. If anyone ever threatened me or threw something at me, that would be the end of that relationship.
  • WOW this is just crazy! It's hard to believe that a grown woman acts this way. IYou better be careful this lady sounds like she would do something to physically harm you if she could.
  • image Soulchild777:

    I say I wish I would have known this before I married him because I probably wouldnt have married him.  He is a good person and all, and we love eachother, but the fact that his entire family hates me, and he doesnt put them in their place, really enrages me.  I am a good person, and I deserve to have in-laws that arent going to abuse me and disrespect me when I haven't given them any reason to.  I am not saying that have to love me and think the sun shines out my ass, but I in the very least deserve civility.

    Sweetie, you are only 26! You are so young... you don't deserve to be treated like this. If this situation makes you this upset when his family lives across the ocean, imagine what will happen in 10 years when they get older and want to be closer to their son.

    I agree with PP- time for an ultimatum. Tell your husband that he either grows a pair and tells his mom to STOP doing this to you or that you have had enough. Maybe he will get the point then.

     

  • DItto OMG.  I wouldn't stay in your situation either, and if you are serious about not wanting to be put through this for the rest of your life, I would issue your DH an ultimatum (but of course only if you are ready to follow through on it).
  • Oh and if you do stay, I would not have kids b/c it's only going to get worse.
  • image Soulchild777:

    Its an issue because she harasses H about it all of the time.  Its an issue because he tells me she harasses him about it all the time.  Its an issue because he allows her to do this.  If he wouldnt tell me this crap, and of course if I stopped reading her hilarious emails, and didnt have to see her ever, then it wouldnt be an issue.

    I say I wish I would have known this before I married him because I probably wouldnt have married him.  He is a good person and all, and we love eachother, but the fact that his entire family hates me, and he doesnt put them in their place, really enrages me.  I am a good person, and I deserve to have in-laws that arent going to abuse me and disrespect me when I haven't given them any reason to.  I am not saying that have to love me and think the sun shines out my ass, but I in the very least deserve civility.

    Maybe you should tell your H this--in exactly those words.  And tell him that you can always end this relationship if he doesn't take this situation seriously.  Resolve this now or get out before you have kids--imagine the pressure this crazy woman would put on your H about her grandchildren!  Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

  • I would suggest you to ask your DH to stop telling you anything related to your MIL. And stop reading emails from her. I did this. and its better. Know nothing = no feeling. period.

  • If you never speak to her wth does it matter if you call her Mom?

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  • You can't control anyone - your MIL, your dh.  But you can control your own actions.  I suggest you start.

    Stop reading your MIL's emails.  I cannot believe you are angry about your h's contact, when you still read his mom's emails (for "laughs").  You're not laughing, and it's damaging your relationship with your husband.  Block her emails, or delete them as soon as you see her name/address.  Or change your email carrier and don't tell her - just tell everyone else (who won't pass your email to her).

    Don't allow your DH to discuss his mom with you, or speak with her while you are present.  If she calls and you are home - he has to take the call outside.  Or tell her to call back.  Your MIL is "off limits" for discussion in your home.  If your dh needs to vent - he needs to find someone else to talk with, a friend, a therapist, a family member.  Not you.  Your dh is also not allowed to "pass on" info from his mom to you.  Don't "feel sorry" for your dh, don't feel "it's your job" to help him deal with his crazy mother - it's HIS job, not yours. 

    Do this much - controlling only yourself and what you permit in your home, and you will be happier. 

    Everyone has suggested you get marital counseling that deals with cultural issues - have you even looked into therapy?

  • Did you ever get your DH"s immigration straightened out?  Is he still in this country illegally?

     

    Anyway, I married a man from India. He's pretty new to the states-he moved here in 2001.  The way his mother is treating you has NOTHING to do with her culture, and everything to do with the following:

    1. Your DH is not committed to you fully.  My DH would never let his mother speak to or about me that way.  DH problem.

    2.  Your MIL sounds like a douchnozzle.  My MIL, even if she felt that I should do something, would never be a twatwaffle about it.  Sure, she has moments but your MIL sounds like a narcissist.

    And I called my MIL what amounts to "Respected Aunt" in their language, and if you watch any Hindi channels, a lot of India DILs do the same.  But I'd call my MIL Princess Pretty Pants if she wanted me to becuase she treats me with respect and love. When I had my 2nd kid she came and took care of my house for 2 months and I sobbed the day she left.  Sure, she moved some stuff around in the kitchen, but whatever, she was the one cooking!!  The Sass/Bahoo relationship has words in all the Indian languages.

    There can only be one queen bee in the hive.  You have to assert yourself as that queen.  She is NOT your mother and I think you need to make that clear to her.  Your DH is a pansy so I think it's time to stick up for  yourself.  Otherwise you'll get an ulcer :)

  • You've set some boundaries with your MIL, but you need to set some boundaries with your DH as well.  It is NOT okay that he acts as the conduit for his mother's anger and takes things out on you when she yells at him.
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  • I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

    I have dealt with an evil MIL, and the end result was that she chose not to speak to us anymore.  I agree with everyone else, DH has to step up.  That's what had to be done in our situation.  If she starts saying nasty things to you/about you your DH needs to step up and put an end to it.

    My MIL didn't try to force me to call her Mom.  I think she would have realized there wasn't a chance in he!l that was going to ever happen.  Ever.

    She tried to convince DH he was ruining his life, and I quote, because I am "evil and hate everyone".  I laughed so hard I cried at that one.  The way I look back on it, she was probably just feeling bad because I was marrying her last kid.  Oh well.  

    Now, throwing and breaking things in YOUR house???  He!l no!  That's totally not acceptable.  You need to tell DH that he needs to put an end to that right now or you WILL call the police.  Throwing things at you is looked at as domestic violence.  I know all about this.  I was worried my MIL would come after me when we went to pick up DH's stuff.  I did some research and learned the if she laid a finger on me I could call the police and she'd go to jail for 24 hours for domestic violence.  I wouldn't think that would be the best way to handle things, but if she won't stop that's what you might have to do.

    I wish you the best of luck with all this.  I understand how it is to have a MIL who doesn't deserve the title of "Mom".

  • image Soulchild777:

    I say I wish I would have known this before I married him because I probably wouldnt have married him. 

    You know, divorce IS an option.  And quite frankly, based on all of your previous posts about your inlaws...........I'd say it's a far better option than staying in this hellish marriage.

    I don't have any advice for you, because I have more respect for myself than to stay with a man who didn't love me enough to stand up for me. 

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  • I haven't read the other replies, so sorry if this is repetitive.

    If this were just about calling her "mom", I'd say suck it up.   If it makes her happy, I don't see the big deal.  I don't think it's disrespectful at all of your biological parents to call your ILs mom and dad.    Really, there is never any confusion over who is your real mom and dad. 

    With that being said, under no circumstances would I call THIS woman mom.   Whenever she brought it up, I would remind her that no mother of mine would call me names, throw things at me, break my belongings, etc.    She is the one who created this tension. 

    Now about your DH, because he really is the biggest problem you have.    Try gently reminding him (I'm being sarcastic...you need to bash this point into his thick skull) that it's hypocritical for his mom to call him a wimp for not being able to control his wife, and yet he's an adult letting mommy control him?? That's even wimpier.     I would lay down the law right now.   You are  his wife.   You are his equal.     You will not tolerate this behavior from him or from his mother.   And if he doesn't like it???     Well, direct him to a suitcase and the front door. 

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