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Overwhelmed (kind of long)

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Re: Overwhelmed (kind of long)

  • See, when you say things like "help out," you're still clinging to the mindset that all of this -- the childcare, the housework -- is YOUR job.  That is going to affect any conversation that you have about it, because that's how you'll approach it, instead of coming at it from the angle of "we're both responsible adults and parents and we both have to make sacrifices and do what it takes to make this household run."

    And when you say you don't want to be demanding on him about housework, and you don't want him to be unhappy about giving up his community involvement, and you don't want to give up your part-time business because it's your passion...then you're making some choices here, and it's incredibly unfair of you to blame the baby for your decisions.  You do have the power to make some changes in your life that will make things easier.  If you're stressed financially, then slash your lifestyle.  If you're stressed for time, cut out nonessential activities and commitments.

    If you're not willing to cut back or have the hard conversation where you tell your DH that he needs to be at home being an active parent instead of leaving it all to you while he runs hither and yon being the boy who can't say no to anybody but his WIFE and CHILDREN (and if you think your kids won't grow up knowing that and resenting it, think again), then that's your choice to continue living this way.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I think you all need to make some sacrifices.  Your dh quits his "community activities" and helps out around the house.  You table your part time business.  And private school is not a necessity either.  I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you have choices and part of this stress is self imposed by your choices.
  • image EastCoastBride:

    And we all know whether you have a mate or not, the majority of the cooking, cleaning, bathing, laundry, grocery shopping, lunch packing, bottle making, & feeding is on the mother.

    Why do you assume this to be the case?  If you think that this is just how it is, then sure, that's how it will be - but there is NO REASON it has to be like this.  Talk to your DH.  Show him this post.  TELL HIM you need more help.  You can't do it all.  These are his children too - he needs to step up and help out.  And you need to TELL HIM to step up and help out. 

    ITA! My DH cooks dinner, often cleans the dishes while I give DS a bath, and helps clean the house. I truly feel that DH and I are partners and we help each other out.

    You mention your DH having community activities...do you get to have time to do such things?? You need to talk to DH and ask him to help you out more!

  • image Sunsh1ne:
    I think you all need to make some sacrifices.  Your dh quits his "community activities" and helps out around the house.  You table your part time business.  And private school is not a necessity either.  I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you have choices and part of this stress is self imposed by your choices.

    This too. switch your DC to public school and put the business on hold for a while.  

  • image esh:
    1 --H def does help out and when possible he tries to take 4-yr old with him to community activities to help me out. But it still a lot since my little one requires ALL of my attention.


    2 -- The talk about him cutting back on extra curricular activities will be a bigger task since he has a problem with saying no to ppl and since he's deeply involved in many things. I also don't want him to be unhappy and feel like he can't do things because of me.  I have to get him to see that its for the greater good of the family. 

    3 -- I so wish it was, but public school is a no-go in my area. Not a bad place, but the public schools def do not meet our expectations.  Believe me, we've checked them out.

    As a working mom of 2 children with a similar age spread, I hear you.  I wanted to respond to some things in your reply and share some of my own experiences.

    1.  First of all, know that things will get A LOT better in a few years.  I cannot believe how much easier things are now, with kids age 8 and 4 than they were just two years ago when they were 6 and 2.  And when they were 5 and 1, it was really tough! God bless infants and toddlers, but they require a TON more time and attention than older kids do!   I almost get the sense that once baby #2 was born, you were thinking the worst was over and it was time to get back to the serious business of your career aspirations.  Now you have SO many irons in the fire with work, home, your p/t business, and two young children that you're freaking out -- with good reason!

    2.  You MUST have a sit-down with your H about all this.  I'm betting he has no clue how pressured you are feeling, and how unfair the situation is.  You both need to sacrifice some things that are dear to you.  For you maybe that's putting your business on the back burner for 2 years.  For him, maybe the sacrifice has to be strapping on the cajones and saying "NO" to some of his community activities.  Your family's happiness and your marriage are probably at stake here!

    3.  I'm a teacher (in the upper school of a private school).  Many of my school's families wait until 2nd or 3rd grade to transfer their children into the school.  The difference between public and private education (at least in a suburban county) is probably not as dramatic in the primary grades.  My own child's educational experience has borne this out.  She goes to public school.  In first and second grade, I wasn't thrilled with the rigor of her education, but she learned important social skills, the basics were covered, and so on.  3rd grade has been the first year I've felt that the public school was really damaging my kid's love of learning. 

    Maybe consider waiting a few years to start private school?  Give your youngest a chance to get out of toddlerhood, give yourself a few more years to get your business up and running? In the long run this might be better than insisting on private school from the outset at the expense of a happy mommy!

    Hope this helps!  Hang in there -- it really does get easier!

  • My stepson works 6 days a week, at least 10-12 hrs a day, plays ball with his friends one night a week, my DIL is a SAHM to 2 toddlers.

    My stepson takes care of the boys every Tuesday and Thursday night, while she goes to class or meetings, does almost all the laundry, takes care of all the bills, outdoor maintenance and bathes and puts the kids to bed every night. Plus 1000 other little things.

    If he can do that and still work 60-72 hrs a week, maintian his friendships and not have an angry resentful wife, then so can your DH

  • image esh:


    The talk about him cutting back on extra curricular activities will be a bigger task since he has a problem with saying no to ppl and since he's deeply involved in many things. I also don't want him to be unhappy and feel like he can't do things because of me.  I have to get him to see that its for the greater good of the family. 

    On the fence about putting my business on hold since its my passion, but maybe I will re-think the approach.  

    Your business may be your passion, but it's jeopardizing another passion in your life - your family.  Do you really want to look back years down the road and realize you put your business above your family and even your own sanity?

    I say this b/c I had a business I tried to build, and in the end I decided it just wasn't worth having to tell my precious toddler he couldn't sit on mommy's lap for more then 5 minutes because I was too busy on a project.  I don't regret that decision for one minute.

    So, you don't want to make your DH unhappy?  Um, aren't YOU unhappy right now?  Do you not think the marriage goes both ways, and he should be helping you prioritize and take things on so YOU can be happy too?

    Counseling, stat.  Not that you have time for it anyway... it's time to drop something.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • image esh:
    H def does help out and when possible he tries to take 4-yr old with him to community activities to help me out. But it still a lot since my little one requires ALL of my attention.


    The talk about him cutting back on extra curricular activities will be a bigger task since he has a problem with saying no to ppl and since he's deeply involved in many things. I also don't want him to be unhappy and feel like he can't do things because of me.  I have to get him to see that its for the greater good of the family. 

    On the fence about putting my business on hold since its my passion, but maybe I will re-think the approach. 

    I so wish it was, but public school is a no-go in my area. Not a bad place, but the public schools def do not meet our expectations.  Believe me, we've checked them out.

    Sorry, but you don't get to complain about how stressful your life is with this kind of attitude. In your first post you seemed like you were at your breaking point but you are rejecting perfectly logical solutions to help reduce your stress.

    If your husband is "deeply involved in many things" while you are getting ready to snap then he is either a giant d-bag or you are communicating to him that you are capable or even want to do it all so he can have his fun.

    Seriously, let your business go. You are hanging onto it because it's your passion but you have no time for it and it's not making you any money. Come back to it in a few years.

    I understand wanting the best for your kids, but I think you are setting your "expectations" a little too high for your financial situation.

     

  • I vote you sell the kids & see how much you can get for the husband if you trade him in.
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