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When it rains..it pours...Vent(LONG)

Hello ladies, I know I seldom post on here..but I have to get this out.This is LONG, so I'll understand if you don't read it. It just makes me feel a little better to actually type and get it out.

The past four months have been the worst four months of my life. My dad was admitted into the hospital in January for dramatic weight loss, thought to be caused by the salmonella (peanut butter) issue. There were not beds available anywhere but on the stroke floor...and lo and behold, the day he was to be discharged, he was walking to the thermostat in his hospital room and had a stroke and fell. After that, it seemed as though we were on a rollercoaster. He was never completely aware again. DH, my brother and I drove down (he was in Little Rock, AR). He was out of his head, with his sodium levels being at 180-190 (a normal adult's sodium level is 135-145). He was also having trouble breathing, so the day before we all left to go back home, dad was moved to ICU and put on a vent.

 

I went back home, and back to work...I had just been moved to a new position, and the person who was to train me isn't exactly trainer material. My first day was kind of  just watching her and listen to her babble about how she can't stand certain people and whatnot. I am a creature of habit. I have my routine and if it's thrown off, I am on edge and verge of panic attacks. I dealt with this drama for a week (her being angry after ccoming back to find I did nothing but that shouldn't have been surprising as she hadn't TAUGHT me anything), and asked my manager to be moved back to my old position and old hours because of conflicts in personalities and just being stressed about my dad. My mgr assured me that he would take care of this problem.

Fast forward to Easter weekend... The crap with my co-worker has NOT ended, it's just dampered because we're now in seperate rooms, which is subject to change. I am looking forward to spending Easter with DH and DS...I leave work and go home, and my brother calls me out of nowhere, asking me what my decision would be if we were given the option to take Dad off life-support. Supposedly, he was just asking because it had crossed him mind..but later I got a phone call from my step-mom, who said that she was told to start considering this. I spent the entire Easter weekend crying. DH, DS and I went to Easter church service, which kind of made me feel better. The jerking aspect came on Monday when my step-mom called and assured me that after talking to dad's family doctor, that they felt that they could still get him to rehab.

Now, DH is a manic-depressive. We have been battling this since we started dating, and I was such a sucker for him, I let him be. So, one of my issues is that he needs to be on meds or something. He told me he would, had yet to do it yet. So, on TUesday, I get home from work and as soon as I walk in, DH lies down. He sleeps til 9PM. I go to bed, because I have to work again the next morning..well...I get to work, and he texts me telling me he found my missing debit card. I asked him if he was feeling better...and I got the response of "I think we need to start considering a separation or divorce"...WHAT?! I am at work, under a mountain of stress, and I get that?! I was so shocked. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak...I don't remember how, but I made it to my supervisor's office where I passed out. I was sent home, and after calming down and feeling completely numb, I went to church that night. DH and DS were at the in laws. They didn't come home that night. I went in late the next day because I didn't sleep and needed at least an hours worth. I went in, and went straight to my supervisor's office and told him I needed an LOA. I was at my limit and I couldn't do it anymore, I needed to take care of my family issues. They granted me five days off. DH came home that night, and we finally got to discuss the issues at hand. He had a "mental crash", and was so overwhelmed with everything he snapped. I told him that this was the last time. I needed him more then ever right now I am under so much stress...so he agreed to marital counseling and to finally go see a psychiatrist and now has an appt with a psych. Little did I know, that on that Wednesday, my dad's doctors had finally made the decision that he was not going to get any better. He would be on a vent for the rest of his life, etc.

DH and I worked everything out, and two days before I am to go back to work, I am laying in bed when DH wakes me up. He needs to talk to me. I am thinking that he changed his mind, especially when he brings me a stack of Kleenex. He finally tells me that he and my mom have been texting back and forth and that the decision had been made to remove the vent from my dad. I am in such shock. They told me that there was hope for him just a few mere days back. We pack up, take DS to my grandma's home and leave for AR.

Dad's vent was removed at 12PM on the 21st...and he passed away at 1:00AM on the 22nd. My stepmom, my uncle, DH and I were at his side when he left this earth. I am numb..I am still not believing it. I spoke at his memorial service, but it wasn't real. DH and I left Saturday, and in attempt to get my mind off of it, we went to Missouri to do some off-roading. It worked, but I still have a mushy brain.

So, I go to start my car today because I have to go meet with my mgr tomorrow, and my car had been broken into while we were gone. I Locked my car, but they jimmied (sp?) it. Tore my car up, made a huge mess, took my headset (for work, which will cost me $175)....so, I call my mgr and let them know what';s going on. I don't know what they'll do. All I know is that I really want to go back to Arkansas and be with my family down there. We are very blessed as we don't consider our family to be a "step" family...so although we're not technically family anymore, they are still my "Momma" and my brother..

 

Sorry it was so long...but I feel a little better. Thanks for "listening" if you got down this far.

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Re: When it rains..it pours...Vent(LONG)

  • The fact that you are still with it enough to write this post is impressive. ?Give yourself a good pat on the back for holding your act together this well. ?I'm sorry you're going through so much right now - be easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.
  • OMG dear you're going through sooo, sooo much!  First of all big big (((((HUGS)))))

    1) You need some time to process all this. Can your counselor request an LOA from your HR dept?

    2) Keep the marriage counseling to work through your issues, but at this point I would consider having also individual counseling. You're just surviving a traumatic event after another and it's going to catch up with you if you don't start processing soon.

    3) YH needs to stay in treatment, you can't just be "ok" with it, while he's having mental crashes and you put up with it, while you're dealing with the rest of your lives. He's part of the relationship, he needs to do his part.

    Take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of your DS if you're not well. Hopefully things will start to get better soon.

  • Thanks. Again I am sorry it is so long. I have to wait til Tuesday afternoon to see my therapist. DH doesn't quite know how to handle this, and if I show any sign of sadness he immediately asks me what is wrong. This is rough. But I think I'll make it through...I hope
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  • Im sorry things have been so tough for you and hope you continue to see your therapist.

    However when you decided to be with this man you signed up for a lifetime of this crap with him,. This IS how your life is going to be with him.



  • I hadn't thought of asking my counselor for an LOA. I certainly am not ready to go back to work yet, in fact, I am dreading it. I am going to look into the LOA thing tomorrow with my mgr, and also speak with DH about it. It unforunately will not be a paid LOA and I am not sure about the finances. DH and mgr say going bck to work will be good for me to get back to normal...it may be, but I feel like I need to be ready for it, not dreading it...I don't know. Thanks for the helpful advice and kind words.

     DH is seeking treatment. I know that I am not going to do this anymore. I am at my limit and feel completely out of control, and if he doesn't take care of himself and his issues, WE will not make it. I  don't want to live each day wondering how long it'll be until he crashes again and decides he wants out again. He is a great husband, just those crashes are impossible to deal with..

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  • image MrsWilliams2B:
    Thanks. Again I am sorry it is so long. I have to wait til Tuesday afternoon to see my therapist. DH doesn't quite know how to handle this, and if I show any sign of sadness he immediately asks me what is wrong. This is rough. But I think I'll make it through...I hope

    About your DH, talk to him, he's probably feeling like he doesn't know wht to do to make it better. Let him know how he can support you. ( If it's either doing something for you in the house, cuddling with you or leaving you the hell alone). The reason why they ask is because they wish they could magically swipe it away and feel like they can't ( and its true). So talk to him and tell him what he can do to support you during this process.

    Containing your grieving process is not healthy for you, it's going to take time, but you'll make it.

  • I am so sorry you have gone thru all this....I am sure its not easy but I understand when it rains it pours....I have had family issues that come up and it seems like it never ends...

    I am so sorry about your dad....Sending you hugs....

    I am glad to hear that you and your DH worked things out..thats a good thing....

    Don't worry about work...You have to take care of yourself and your family....

    I am also so sorry to hear about your car....

    Again....****hugs your way****

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  •  He is a great husband, just those crashes are impossible to deal with..

    If he were that great he would be dealing with his illness in a positive way.
    But I'm glad to see you do not have delusions of what your life will be like if he doesnt get help, or that you will not live like this playing martyr. Mental illness is out of your control, but he can control it if he faces it head on. The other problem is that once he does get help, get on medication and level off that he KEEPS taking it. The most common issue with this illness is that people STOP treatment after they feel good for a while and then the cycle starts all over again for BOTH of you.



  • I get it about hating your job and dreading going back to work.    But, I think it may be good for you to do so. 

    I know what you're going through.   My dad died last year.   I had just turned 27 (my little sister was 23 and my little brother had just turned 18).     I kind of went through the same roller coaster.  He had cancer, but was responding to treatment.   Then out of the blue, the doctor stopped treatment and gave him only a handful of weeks left.    It's hard to have that hope jerked away from you.    So, I totally get what you're feeling. 

    My dad died on a Sunday, and I took the entire week off.   Going back to work was weird.   It was a distraction.   Did I start crying out of nowhere?   Yes, but not nearly as much as I thought I would.   I was actually able to hold it together pretty well.   Oh, and I LOATHE my job.    Can't stand it.   Dread every day.    I think a LOA would just make you sit and dwell on how overwhelmed you feel, and the dread of returning to work would only add to your stress. 

    Now about everything else, I'm happy to hear that you're receiving counseling.    And definitely that your DH is in treatment.   I would only put up with one of his "crashes" once.   The next time he says he wants a divorce, I'd throw him out on his butt faster than you can say "alimony."    You don't pull that crap in an adult relationship.   Oh, and it makes it even worse that he did so over text message.   That by itself is on the verge of being unforgiveable.   So, his continuing to get treatment is absolutely essential.  

    As for your coworker/trainer, you need to be more proactive.   If she's not training you, you need to file a complaint with your manager or HR office.    If you don't, it becomes a "he said, she said" issue when there is a performance issue.    I would document everything that happens there, and if it's a real problem, I'd take it to your boss.  

    I'm really sorry you're going through so much, but I find the best way to combat the "out of control" feeling is by taking absolute control of everything you can.   It makes you feel like you're making progress. 

  • The other problem is that once he does get help, get on medication and level off that he KEEPS taking it. The most common issue with this illness is that people STOP treatment after they feel good for a while and then the cycle starts all over again for BOTH of you.

     

    I understand that. I am not blind to it, I can assure you. I have taken the steps for myself as well. I am on medication, and working with a therapist, so I know what I am up against...I'm not going to play it off anymore like I used to before we married. I brought this onto myself, and I realize that. He is open-minded to this and understands the circumstances. He is a good husband, he provides for DS and I, and is emotionally there. Nobody is perfect, and the Lord knows that DH isn't...but I am just thankful he is willing to seek help, for him and for us.

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  • As for going back to work, I am going to play it by ear. I am going to discuss this with my managers and see how they think they want to handle all of this. They have been very gracious about this whole situation and quite frankly I believe if I worked anywhere else, I would already be gone. My job performance was crap when I left, which is why they gave me five days off. I don't know what they'll want to do.

     DH and I have been through hell and high water together. I trust my instincts with him. I am not going to stand for it, but at the same time, my reasoning for divorce would not be biblical. I know that sounds stupid, but my faith is very important to me, and to DH. So, we're working through this...I guess it was a "scare" to him to realize that he almost threw away everything we had built together...and for him to step up and agree to do this is progress.

     I sincerely appreciate all of your help and everything. You guys are a breath of fresh air.

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  • I think you are stronger them you realize you are. This is a lot to deal with all at one time. I think you need someone to help you work through each one on it's own. I strongly suggest you doing some individual counceling particularly dealing with the loss of your father. Hugs and stay strong.
  • I've never really posted on this board, but was lurking and read your post and cried.  I'm so sorry for your loss and I really hope things with you and YH work out.  Hang in there hon! :: HUGS ::
  • This is a full plate and then some. God, it's a wonder you haven't gone crackers.

     This reeks of a lost cause right here and a big mess in itself:

    I had just been moved to a new position, and the person who was to train me isn't exactly trainer material. My first day was kind of  just watching her and listen to her babble about how she can't stand certain people and whatnot. I am a creature of habit.

    I am sorry for all of your troubles.

     And wow, he sent you a TEXT? He didn't even have the balls to tell you face to face. He's lucky you didn't lambaste him for that one. (I would have, and will...lemme have your address...hehe)

     

  • You and your family are in my prayers
  • I am just glad I was able to get it out. I have been hanging on by a thread, and if it weren't for my meds, I honestly think I would have fallen apart. I am very grateful for everyone's advice and support. You ladies are a great help :)
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  • Wow.  You've been through a lot ((HUGS)).

    Take it one day at a time.  That may be all you can manage right now, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

    Long term - you promised you'd stand by your dh in sickness and in health, but I believe part of that vow is a responsibility on HIS part to stay as healthy as possible.  You don't "owe" him your unwavering support if he's not helping himself.  If your dh was an alcoholic or a drug user, you wouldn't stay with him even though he refused to kick the habit - in the same way, you aren't obligated to stay with your dh "because of your vow" if he isn't doing everything possible for him to stay healthy. The relationship is a two-way street, and he's not meeting you 1/2 way.

  • I am *really* impressed you are keeping things together as well as you are.

    I am also impressed that you are realistic going forward with your DH, given his text message. He doesn't get to treat you like that.

    So sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a great board to vent to, so keep us posted.

    (( big hug ))

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • "DH and DS were at the in laws. They didn't come home that night."

    I would like to know if this was done with your knowledge and consent. ?

  • I'm so sorry you're going though this.  Big hugs to you as well as my sympathies on the loss of your father. 
  • I understand that my marriage vows were "for better, or for worse, in sickness and in health". I am standing by the fact that DH is now deciding to get help. I know most women wouldn't stand for this...but my religious beliefs, my morals and my love for him are what I keep in mind. He is getting help, and it's not going to be a smooth drive to Happiness...but it's a start.

     Yes, I knew he was going to take DS to the ILs, that was a pre-planned arrangement as DH had some work to do on their home. But going through the night not knowing what was going to happen is what it impossible to sleep. I also have GAD, and apparently since I am so used to having DH next to me at night, being by myself freaked me out so I would wake up with panic attacks.

     You guys have been very supportive and given me a shoulder to lean on. I return to work tomorrow, so cross your fingers that I can keep it together. I am determined to make it through the day, but will be on the phone with my psychiatrist at first break, to see about getting a med that doesn't knock me out for my anxiety. Thanks ladies!

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