Family Matters
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Mother's Day?

For the last several years, Mother's Day has been all about DH's mom, since I wasn't a mother yet and my mom lives out of state.  I had absolutely no problem with that -- if I couldn't be with my own mom, I can't think of anybody I'd rather celebrate with than MIL!

But now I am a mother, and I'd kind of like to have some celebration that's not tied into the big family let's-all-have-lunch-after-church-and-spend-the-whole-day-at-the-inlaws'-house thing.  I'm not opposed to going out to lunch with everybody to celebrate with MIL; I just would like some solo time with my family (DH and DD) and a couple of hours to relax in my own house.  DH feels the same way, but we aren't quite sure about how to approach this with his parents.  We don't want to come off like we're angry about anything or rejecting them; it's just hard for us to spend all Sunday afternoon and part of the evening over at their house because we don't get anything done at home before we have to go to work on Monday and we don't get to relax in peace and quiet (when the whole family's together at their house, there are seven adults and three kids, minimum). 

My thought was that we could just say, "Hey, we'll come to lunch, but we've got plans afterwards" and leave it at that, not mentioning that we're going to have our own little celebration.  Is that fair, or am I just way overthinking this because I really don't want to hurt MIL's feelings inadvertently?

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

Re: Mother's Day?

  • That sounds perfectly reasonable.  Surely they'll understand since it's your first Mother's Day as a mommy?
  • I think that sounds fine.  But why do you seem to feel bad about having some time to yourselves afterwards?  Even though I don't have children yet, I'd never spend the whole day on Mother's Day with my mom.  It's a Sunday, and as you said, there are things that need to be done on the weekend before Monday rolls around.  I don't have the luxury of spending the whole day with my mom when I have other things to do, and even if I did, I'd want some time alone to recharge my batteries. 
  • I've thought about this myself as this is my first Mothers Day too.  In the past, we've always taken both our moms out (or hosted brunch at our house) in one big group.  It's just one meal, not an all day affair, so I know that won't infringe on anything else we do.  But at the same time, I'm also like "They should do something for ME this time around - I'm the newest mom.".  it's nothing I'm going to make a stink over - but I have thought about it!  It would be nice for this year to be about me! :-) 

    ANYHOW- to your specific issue:  don't overthink it.  It sounds like it's  brunch at their house and it's expected that you'll all hang out all day, correct?  If so, I think what you said is fine.  I also think it's entirely valid for your DH (and yes, let your DH deal w/ this!) to say "As it's Scherza's first Mothers Day, I'm going to do something special for her that night.". 

    If his mom takes offense to THAT, then you're dealing w/ an completely irrational woman who not matter what you all say - she's going to be upset! :-)  

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think you're over-thinking it.  It's nice of you to not want to hurt her feelings, but you deserve some time with your family on Mother's Day.  I would go for lunch, then politely leave and spend the rest of the afternoon relaxing and/or preparing for the upcoming week.

    I'm certain that she'll understand, unless she's a selfish wench, and it doesn't sound like she is.

  • I think your approach is just fine.
    Hope is not a strategy.
  • "As it's Scherza's first Mothers Day, I'm going to do something special for her that night.". 

    That is exactly what I was going to say.  Your DH should say that he has something planned for his wife, being that she is a new mom, this is her first Mother's Day and wants to make it special.

    This way there will be no room for an oversight.  (I can see his mother or any mother thinking that Mother's day is all about them, and totally forgetting that you are newly the mother of his children, and that is VERY important!)

  • image oakvik07:

    "As it's Scherza's first Mothers Day, I'm going to do something special for her that night.". 

    Ditto this, but I wouldn't say "first mother's day" because he should do something special for you EVERY mother's day. 

    "We'd love to meet you for brunch, then we're going to have a special celebration at home."

    I think its very important to celebrate on your own.  My first mother's day was all about my mom, and it really didn't seem like mother's day to me.  Now, I make sure that dh and the kids and I have special FAMILY time for just us on both mother's and father's day.

  • I have dealt with the same thing, also with a MIL whom I adore.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I really like ALSO being celebrated on Mother's Day.

    I think you can just simply say, "Hey, we'll come to lunch but then we've got plans after."

    My DH explained it to his mom by saying, "Mom, it's important for the kids to get involved in doing something special for their own mom, not just having a family get-together at their grandparents' house, so for part of the day the kids and I are doing something special for Mommy."

    My MIL could not argue with that.


  • I would have DH tell his mom that lunch is a good idea, but that he has separate plans after that so you can't stay.
  • I don't think you have to tiptoe around it that much.  If your DH smiled and said something like "We'll see you for lunch, but now we have to start splitting time between celebrating two mothers", would that work?
  • For mother's day my mother has always appreciated a plant.  That's it.  I LOVE that about her.  She's usually not that drama-free.  But she is for m-day.  Did I mention how much I love her for that?

    You're a mom.  Honor your MIL accordingly.  Even if that means discretely leaving after lunch and celebrating as you wish.

    After all, isn't she expecting you to make your own traditions?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Thanks for the input!  DH and I talked and he's going to tell his dad (FIL is in charge of making plans for Mother's Day lunch) that we're coming to lunch and then going back home instead of over to their house for the afternoon.

    Part of why I'm overthinking this so much is that DH's sister and BIL recently found out they're moving for work and family events have taken on a much greater significance than they normally would since everybody feels like we should be making the most of the time they're still here.  Any other year, I don't think it would have been an issue!

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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