Family Matters
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more mom drama. (long)

My mom has been pretty terrible over the past few months, but it has just gotten ridiculous lately!

 A little information: My FI and I don't live together. We had planned on moving into a 2 bedroom apartment (we both have one bedrooms and want something bigger) come this October or November. We also moved our wedding date because we were tired of my mom holding the money over ours heads, she offered to pay for the entire thing. We've now decided to pay for the entire wedding ourselves, but this means moving our plans quite a bit into the future. My mother has convinced herself that I am immoral and skanky because I'm going to be "living in sin" and that my FI will never make good on his promise to marry me now that he can "fvck me whenever he wants". And that was a direct quote from her.

 I had come to visit my parents the other day and she laid all this on me. Telling me how wrong I am and that I'll most likely end up pregnent and everyone will think I"m a whore. WTF? She went on and on insluting my FI, and I left telling her that if that's how she felt, then wonderful. When she wanted to treat me with some respect then we could talk.

I guess I'm just not sure where to go from here. My mom is bipolor and sometimes I'm not sure if she is truly responisble for how she acts. I do know that she's making my dad and younger sister miserable with how she's going on about me and my FI. She keeps calling me saying she wants to make up, but it just turns into her telling me how slutty I'm being.

Do I just ignore all this? Pretend it didn't happen? I love my mom, but this is just f*cking ridiculous. She's never accepted that I"m an adult and I'm going to livemy life and do what's best for me.

Re: more mom drama. (long)

  • Personally, I'd cut her off. No more contact or phone time. You certainly don't deserve to be treated like this.

    You can maintain a relationship with your dad and sister without her in it. (I did the same with my dad, so I realize how hard this is.)

    Maybe a session or two with a family counselor would give you some perspective and allow you to sort out your feelings.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • You definitely don't deserve to be treated like this. No one does. I would say take some space for now. Distance yourself from her.

    If you wish to maintain a relationship with her, you need to reset the boundaries for your own well-being. IMO, this would mean that when you're on the phone with her, and it starts to deteriorate to her yelling and putdowns, END the conversation. "Alright...I have to go/can't talk right now. Love you." Then, hang up. If you make that your pattern, she will hopefully learn that you will not be treated that way. If that doesn't change things, you may have to just not talk to her.

    I am just beginning to work on this myself with my own mother, so I know how painful it can be. Good Luck to you!

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    The bipolar part is not the problem, it's just an excuse.

    Your mom tried using $ to control you and that didn't work, now she's trying to (crudely) control you using morality.

    She wants to make up because she can't try to control you if you're not speaking to her.

    I'd keep my distance for a while.  In a few months, tell her you expect an apology and you expect her to treat you and your fi respectfully, and she must understand that it's not her place to comment on your relationship.

    If your dad isn't sticking up for you, he's useless and you shouldn't feel bad about cutting him off, too.  It seems as if your mom has treated you badly for a while, while your dad just sits on his hands.  You deserve better from both parents.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I would give her the cold shoulder. It sounds pretty immature what she is doing, that said I think it is a good idea that you and your FI are going to pay for the wedding yourselves. While it may be hard financially you wont have to worry about pleasing your mother 24/7.
     I agree with PP about setting boundries. Next time she starts in about you or your FI either say "mom I'm not going to stand here while you disrespect me and FI" get up and leave, or if its on the phone hang up and dont answer when she calls back. If you keep letting her walk over you, she always will. Whats going to happen if you have children? I can bet she will critique your parenting techn. so set boundries now. Something I've learned (and still am) is that you can not make everyone happy, it will never happen. Just because your mom doesnt approve-doesnt mean your brother/sister/aunt/uncles all do. You are an adult, capable of making your own decisions.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I disagree that your mothers bipolar is an 'excuse', she needs to be getting proper treatment & support.

    You don't deserve to be treated this way. Do try to remember that bipolar is called a disorder for a reason. Although she is your mother, do your best not to take it personally.

  • My dad has issues with my husband and I living together before we were married. He never acted like your mom but he did get over it and actually helped my husband and I out a lot. We rented a duplex from my dad and he discounted the rent. He knew we were going to live together against what his beliefs are so he figured he would do what he could to help us. My younger brother is going through the same issue with my dad because he wants to live with his girlfriend. I keep telling my brother don't worry about it because he will get over it.

    Good luck. I can only hop things turn out for you the way they did for me.

  • I'm with Wahoo. 

    I also commend you for paying for your own wedding.  Definately the way to go.  Do what you want when you want to , but you may want to scale down the scope of it and invite fewer people and not have to save so much and wait so long.  When all is said and done, it's a day for you and the groom - not all of the people you 'have' to invite. 

    And most of all, you don't have to pretend it didn't happen.  It did.  And its okay to get mad about it, even if she'd bi-polar.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • This is abuse not love. It is about control and nothing to do with your ultimate happiness. I was raised with an abusive father and the best thing to do is walk away from their judgement until they can be civil and supportive. My mother isnt being supportive of my marriage either and it hurts me so much but I keep trying to remember these are her issues not mine.

  • image alabaster_angel:

    I disagree that your mothers bipolar is an 'excuse', she needs to be getting proper treatment & support.

    You don't deserve to be treated this way. Do try to remember that bipolar is called a disorder for a reason. Although she is your mother, do your best not to take it personally.

    I don't think anyone doubts that bipolar is a very real disorder, but I do think it has nothing to do with the mom cursing out her daughter and calling her a slut. 

    Do you think the mom curses her boss or the neighbors and calls them whores?  If she does, then the moms actions towards her daughter are caused by her mental disorder.  If not, then she's just an abusive b*tch who happens to be bi-polar.

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