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husband not attracted to me anymore

My husband and I have been married since August 2008....since then, i've gained about 20 pds...a result of stress eating and because I haven't been exercising as much lately. We've been having quite a few issues...this includes our sex life. I've found out that my husband has watched porn at least four times since we've been married and is constantly tempted to watch it...Neither one of us want porn to be a part of our marriage...we started talking about it...and then later on tonight we were sitting on the couch and he blurts out that i need to lose weight because he's not sexually attracted to me anymore.  It made me feel horrible, I wanted to start bawling. I know i've gained weight, I feel bad enough without him telling me that.  I've been trying to start eating better and I joined the gym...I've been trying to work out.  It seems like he's blaming his desire to watch porn on me and the fact that i've gained some weight. Ironically enough, I've mainly been stress eating because of him...he never seems to want to help me with chores or anything around the house. I'm a full time student and i work part time. The newlywed life has been very stressful and he doesn't seem to be much help....now he's blaming our sex life...or  lack of...on me. He got mad at me when I acted upset to his statement about him not being sexually attracted to me anymore. Did I overreact by getting upset? He hurt my feelings and made me feel like crap. I already know that I need to lose weight, I already feel crappy....that just made it worse. Has anyone else had a similar experience? 

Re: husband not attracted to me anymore

  • This is ghastly and this makes me wonder wtf is really happening here:

    and then later on tonight we were sitting on the couch and he blurts out that i need to lose weight because he's not sexually attracted to me anymore. 

    You have gained a measly 20 pounds. You are hardly morbidly obese; you wouldn't even fall into the "overweight" category is my guess.

    What your husband is is a douche. Plain and simple -- and he's pinning the rose on you that you're "not sexually attractive" to him is a copout for something much more greater than this.

    You have only been married since August -- that's seven months. Something is wrong here with this picture.

    I cannot blame the porn for this -- we all know that guys are visual and they like to look; this is why skin mags, soft porn and hard core porn are popular with men. He is using the porn (and your weight gain) as some kind of a copout or excuse why he won't be sexually intimate with you.

    He got mad at me when I acted upset to his statement about him not being sexually attracted to me anymore. Did I overreact by getting upset? He hurt my feelings and made me feel like crap.

    Again, he is a douche and you were damn right to be pissed and upset at what he said: that is normal.

    Something much larger is at stake here and something much more is going on behind the scenes. It could be possible he's emotionally checked out of this marriage or he is having an affair or both.

    Please get down to the bottom of this. Something's funky with this entire situation. Good luck.

    ETA: you can lose the weight -- but he will always be an insensitive douche.

    And what happens when you do lose the weight he claims makes you oh so sexually unattractive?

    You should be livid he said this, not just hurt.

    Studies have shown that men don't mind if women have some extra meat on their bones. Something stinks on ice here.

    What was your sex life like before you were married? (and I am guessing the both of you are probably young 20s)

  • Your husband is a complete douche and an ***. ?I agree with PP, something's going on here. ?I had an ex boyfriend that once told me he thought he wasn't sexually attracted to me because I'd put on some weight. ?I was livid and devastated and never wanted to be seen naked by a man every again. ?A few weeks after he said this to me, he went to the doctor. ?He found out that he had low testosterone and needed to be put on meds for it. ?So, really, it had nothing to do with me. ?That didn't help the fact that he'd made me feel like such *** though. ?Our sex life was completely downhill after that, because I could just never feel comfortable around him.
  • He needs a good slap and a reminder of all the things that make you wonderful. ?You should not put up with that crap. ?He needs to get over it and move on. ?In a relationship there is more than weight that you are attracted to.
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  • Well...I'm sorry if this is taken as being a douche myself, but I don't agree with TM's response at all. Yes, the way he went about expressing his feelings was incredibly insensitive, and blaming you for his desire to do something he feels is wrong (the porn) is a cop out, but 20 lbs is NOT a 'measly' amount of weight. When people try to take it off 20 lbs can feel like an impossible goal, which means it's just as significant when you put it on in the first place, especially over such a short period of time.

    My point is not to harangue the OP about her weight change...it's very understandable that under certain circumstances these things can happen, and I think it's great that she's recognized it and wants to improve things. But to me, this seems like a symptom of a bigger issue. The way he blurted out that comment (like he was afraid to tell you how he felt), and your emotional reaction to it makes me think you guys have a communication problem. If you feel he's causing a lot of the stress, you guys should work together to resolve that issue (by finding ways for him to help out more), and if he feels you've let yourself go a little, he should be able to express that respectfully, and the two of you should work together to try and find a solution (for example, him going to the gym WITH you...most men aren't exactly movie stars themselves).

    To answer your question though...yes, DH hit me with this one once too. It stung like a pack of hornets, but the thing was, once I calmed down I knew what he said was true. I had been making some halfhearted attempts to fix things, but once he said it, it was like it was somehow more real. Knowing that my laziness was affecting our relationship actually gave me a stronger resolve than I had on my own. (Not saying that's going to happen to everyone, though).

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  • Well...I'm sorry if this is taken as being a douche myself, but I don't agree with TM's response at all. Yes, the way he went about expressing his feelings was incredibly insensitive, and blaming you for his desire to do something he feels is wrong (the porn) is a cop out, but 20 lbs is NOT a 'measly' amount of weight. When people try to take it off 20 lbs can feel like an impossible goal, which means it's just as significant when you put it on in the first place, especially over such a short period of time.

    I meant "measly" in relation to the fact that she is not morbidly obese.

    You're over looking the much bigger picture: why did he come up with this critical assessment and link it together with his statement that he no longer finds her sexually attractive? Something isn't on the level here, not by a long shot.

     

  • Well...I'm sorry if this is taken as being a douche myself, but I don't agree with TM's response at all. Yes, the way he went about expressing his feelings was incredibly insensitive, and blaming you for his desire to do something he feels is wrong (the porn) is a cop out, but 20 lbs is NOT a 'measly' amount of weight. When people try to take it off 20 lbs can feel like an impossible goal, which means it's just as significant when you put it on in the first place, especially over such a short period of time.

     

    I'll agree with you that 20 pounds is a fairly significant weight gain for a short period of time, but should 20 pounds influence whether her H finds her attractive or not?  Most likely, 20 pounds hasn't changed her figure that much... maybe she got somewhat pudgier, or had to get new clothes, but it's not like she suddenly doubled in size or became obese.  20 pounds is not all that much when you look at it that way, and if it truly influences whether he finds her sexually attractive, he's an idiot.

    I think there's something else going on here (precisely what, I don't know), and I think him blaming her weight gain is just a convenient excuse.

    OP, I'm sorry that your husband said that.  I'm sure it stung.  You didn't gain the weight overnight, and yet your sex life hasn't been great for a while now.  I think you and your DH need to have some long conversations about how your sex life got to be the way it is -- since it wasn't headed in a positive direction even before you reached your current weight.

  • Sounds like he needs to learn some tact but now that it is out there you can either choose to do nothing about it or do something about it. Obviously there is something bigger going on here if you gained 20lbs in such a short time. perhaps a health issue, depression...etc.  Likely the added weight has changed your attitude towards life and perceptions of yourself. Consequently it probably has made him feel less loved so he chooses immature ways to express it.  Bottom line is that this is not about weight.  This is about  something bigger and you two need to figure that out TOGETHER and not let it drive you apart.  Tell him that his response has hurt you deeply.  I also HIGHLY recommend working out together. It is the best therapy a couple can have.  You are forced to communicate, work together, trust eachother and grow together.  Start there and the rest will follow.
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  • Your husband is a loser! A real man loves his wife no matter what weight she is at and should always find her attractive by what is not only on the outside but the inside as well. It seems like he wants a wife with the body of a porn star. Get a fricken life because that is all a fantasy world.

    For those of you who are criticizing her for gaining 20 pounds - really what is wrong with you all? We have no idea how much she weighs to begin with. If a 130 pound woman goes to 150 or even 170 she is still the average beautiful woman and should never be criticized for it. When I met my husband I was 105 pounds. I now weight 140 and my husband loves my body with curves and never wants me to go back to a stick. My weight goes up and down and my husband continues to love me for who I am and tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world. That is a REAL man.

    My suggestion is to start therapy and work on your marriage. Otherwise you may be putting up with this the rest of your life. No woman deserves that.

     

  • So you have a guy who doesn't pull his weight around the house, looks at you with a critical eye rather than a loving one, substitutes porn for intimacy, and insults you then expects you to just meekly take it without complaint?  Why are you with him, exactly?
  • .

    .There are many reasons why people gain weight, both within and beyond their control.  People gain pretty easily through life issues such as pregnancy, illness, etc.  20lbs?  As pp stated, I didn?t hear that you had ventured into the morbidly obese column. You do have an obligation to your partner to remain in good health however the idea that one will remain perpetually the same physically as they did on their wedding day is ludicrous.  If my DH?s attraction to me rested on something as limited as weight, excluding my personality, sense of humor, intelligence, drive (your full-time student/pt job status), warmth, etc., it would speak much more to his qualities as a husband rather than mine as a wife.

     

    I also don?t hear in your post where he?s gone out of his way to make your life any easier while you attempt to juggle work and school.  Having been there myself, squeezing in even sleep can be difficult.  If I didn?t feel as if my DH had my well-being at heart nor was he behaving in an affectionate, helpful way toward me, it would definitely affect my attraction, or at the very least, how willing I would be to have sex with him.

     

    To echo pp, in sum, he?s a douche.  If you want to feel better about yourself and decrease your own work/school stress, by all means go the gym, YOU deserve it.  He does not. You are under no obligation to compete with an often surgically enhanced porn star. 

     

    Just to anticipate in advance this particular argument-the old stereotype that men are more visual than women is absolute B.S.

  • putting on 20 lbs in 7 months (unless you are pregnant) is significant and a STRONG sign that something is wrong.

     

    my best guess is something is wrong emotionally.  i'm not excusing your H's behavior or excuses, but what is going on with you to cause such a significant weight gain?  sounds like you are overwhelmed, and i'm willing to bet your H has a big part in this.

     please seek therapy for what is really bothering you. 

  • I am so sorry this happened to you! This must be hurtful!  I don't think you overreacted at all. This would upset any girl. If you both decided not to have porn in your marriage, then he should honor that. And many say that guys are going to do that no matter what, but that's not true. My H is not like that at all, and yours doesn't have to be. It isn't fair to you that he has been dishonest about this. Being a full-time student and working part time is difficult and exhausting... I've been there. He should be willing to help you with chores. But don't expect him to do it on his own. Ask for help, because most guys don't get hints or just pick up on things like that. Tell him you need help. Especially if you want time to work out at the gym too. You must be worn out constantly!

    It isn't fair that he doesn't find you sexually attractive just because of 20 pounds, and he has no right say what he said to you when you have been going to the gym. It may be a little different if all you did was sit on your butt all day, but you are busy! He should appreciate you taking time out of your schedule to go to the gym. And whatever happened to using a little tact? What he said to you was heartless, inconsiderate, and stupid. If he felt that way and needed to express it, he should have done it in a more loving, caring, and tactful way. If you could get him to go, maybe some counseling could help you two to deal with this in a healthy way and you might could find out what's really going through his mind because your weight alone is hardly the issue here. I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! :(

  • What Tarpon said. I'd be damn suspicious that he had a gf on the side or, at the very least, that something else major is going on.

    Seriously, what are you getting out of this marriage?

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • This is a hard sucky situation.  It sounds like you're weight gain and his porn watching are motivated by depression and stress.  The lack of communication and intimacy in your marriage have led you both to deal with it in unhealthy ways.  You have every right to be upset about this.  What he said was hurtful and mean, but to me it sounds like a cry for help.
  • TURN THE TABLES!  Tell him he has a couple things you need him to work on too.  Such as, tell him you'll drop a few pounds if he'll drop his bad attitude.  Remind him that you are in this together, and when you exchanged your vows you became one unit.  So work on this together.  Get him out of the house and away from his party of one porn nights by having him get his a$$ to the gym with you so you can make these work-out sessions a fun and romantic ordeal by watching each other's progress rather than doing opposite activities apart from each other with the result of an upset spouse resulting in a depressing situation.  Although I have to say, he's lucky to have someone that cares so much what he thinks, he sounds like a real schmuck.  Best wishes to you both though. 
  • image ZestofLime:

    What Tarpon said. I'd be damn suspicious that he had a gf on the side or, at the very least, that something else major is going on.

    Seriously, what are you getting out of this marriage?

     

    This makes zero sense. It's just a silly statement really.

    If he was getting some on the side he probably wouldn't have said a word to her about it.

  • What your H said was very rude and insensitive. It definitely could have been handled better, but it's already said and done. You already told him how you felt about what he said, so it's time to move forward. You both should sit down and discuss your disapproval of the porn usage and how you are going to shed these 20 pounds. Let him know that you are willing to lose weight, but he needs stop looking at porn and help support you and motivate you to lose the 20 pounds! Don't just do it for him, do it for yourself!!!
  • If my H had blurted something like that out and blamed me for all the issues in our marriage he would have received a black eye and possibly an knee to his nuts.

  • Wow, he's a loser!
  • I agree with what most people have said.  My husband and I both gained like 30 pounds when we were first dating (we've since lost some of it) and we could not get enough of each other.  We were so into each other that neither of us noticed we had gained so much weight until we looked at photos of ourselves!

    I really don't see how you gaining weight has caused all these issues, because weight gain happens.  I think it would be a good idea for you guys to talk to someone and see what the real issues are.  I hope it works out!

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  • Sounds like you guys should get some counseling. If he won't go with you, definitely look into it for yourself.
  • He needs to be more sensitive and realize you are trying.  What is he going to expect after you have a baby some day?  Weight doesn't jut fall off.  If you are trying to lose the weight you should be doing it for yourself, not just b/c he wants you to.
  • Here's where I think the problem lies for her husband. This couple has been married for what, half a year and she's already packed on 20 pounds. He's probably wondering if this is what its going to continue to be like. While they were dating she probably worked harder to stay trim to keep him attracted but as soon as marriage happens, the effort stops? That is a scary thought to men...we want to think our wives are going to keep trying to keep us interested.

    That said, he needs to do more on his part to woo her. Being a lazy ass and not doing anything around the house isn't going to motivate her be sexy for her...he needs to get off his ass and help out and maybe she'll work that little bit harder to get herself trimmed down!

  • I went through a very similar situation after the birth of our daughter in July 2007. I am only 5' fall and was 105lbs when my then-fiance/now hubby and I got pregnant. I gained 55lbs through the pregnancy (I had gestational diabetes) and couldn't seem to lose it after having her. I went from a size 4 to a size 16 after the birth, and it completely affected our sex life. We didn't have sex for a year and a half. It was partly due to the weight gain, even though my now-hubby didn't TELL me it was due to my weight. I didn't feel good about myself and I am sure that translated into our relationship. A lot of the problem with losing the weight was my eating: I am an emotional eater. My now-hubby was working out of town and would be gone for 2 weeks, home for 3 days, repeat. It was stressful trying to manage a new baby, a long-distance relationship on top of everyday things like our fixer-upper house we had bought before our daughter was born and 2 dogs. I found out that my now-hubby was watching pornography on his computer when he was out of town and sometimes when he was home. This is what prompted me to sit down and have a talk. I didn't want him to watch that stuff if he wasn't going to be sexually interested/active with me. He said he'd stop, but never did. Finally, this January after my bday I made a decision to lose the weight and feel better about myself. It has done wonders for our relationship, for my personal well-being (mentally and physically) as well as my activity level with our daughter. I have now lost the last 35lbs from before I was pregnant and I couldn't feel better. My shape is different since having a baby, but I am healthy. My mental well-being is better than it has ever been and my daughter enjoys mom being able to play with her again.

    I don't know if your situation is due to emotional eating, but let me tell you from experience: you WILL feel better about yourself if  you change your eating habits and get a little more exercise in. If you aren't happy with yourself, you can't expect someone else to be happy with you, either. And any unrest in your relationship definitely carries into the bedroom. Ask your husband what he would like to see different in you, your relationship, etc. And then tell HIM what you would like to see change, and you may be surprised at what happens when you both put a little effort into the relationship. Make sure you let him know how he made you feel by telling you that you're gaining weight, too, so he knows that this area is out-of-bounds for verbal attack, since it will only make you want to eat more to relieve the stress.

    HTH!!!!

  • I agree with Arcadian - I think your DH could've been a bit more sensitive, but I don't think he's a douche because of what he said. Men are very visual, and even though it hurts to hear it, he probably would find you more attractive if you lost the weight.  Wouldn't you find yourself more attractive if you did? You said that you already know that you need to lose some.... so it shouldn't be a big surprise that your DH feels that way as well.  I know it hurts to 'hear it out loud' from someone else, though.  And I know it hurts to hear him say he's not sexually attracted to you as he was before.  I would be hurt too.  But at the same time, you acknowledge that your eating/lifestyle habits may not be the best, so maybe it's time to make a  lifestyle change - for yourself, your DH, and for the health of your relationship.
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