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My very second post...a RANT about my MIL

Alright.  Before I begin this, I'd like to note that I thought about the following situation for two (2) days as I had my thenest.com waiting period (incidently it is the same as a hand gun, I think?  Should this tell me something about this board?) it still upsets me and I'd like to rant about it.

 My husband and I were visiting my MIL and FIL, as was my SIL.  The 'boys' were in the living room, watching, what else, basketball.  I was in the kitchen with the MIL and SIL, ya know, pretending to help peel potatoes or apples or some crap that, as a woman, I am expected to help out with.  I don't have terribly much in common with my MIL or SIL, so the conversations are strained, to say the least. It gets pretty desperate sometimes...in any case, we get on a topic that seems fairly safe and banal: the topic of baby names, as my husband and I are on what I like to call the 'baby cusp' (i.e. We've got the house, we're working on the dough, and within the next couple of years a baby should show up, God willing and all that...anywhoo)  I have not discussed this 'baby cusp' with my MIL or SIL, but it is getting rather obvious at this point in our (hubs and mine's) relationship that a baby may show itself in a couple of years.  SIL casually asks if I liked any baby names in particular--she throws out a few, MIL throws out a few, and I mention a few, which, I note, I DID NOT TELL THEM THEY WERE ACTUAL NAMES MY HUSBAND AND I HAD DISCUSSED AT ANY POINT.  Much to my dismay, both my MIL and SIL make disgusted faces and say 'yuck' and 'ew' and 'haha, you little jokester' things akin to that when I reveal our names.  As the coup de grace, my MIL pronounces "We better not let YOU name the children!"

I can't help it, I am pissed.  Those are names we've really discussed and I have to be honest, I had to dismiss myself to the powder room to have a little cry over it.  I'd like to point out that many of the names were names of my deceased relatives on both my side and my husband's side...

 I'm not asking for any advice, really...just wanted to vent.  I'm a noob so I will accept my newbie intiation of the flame-wedgie with good nature...I promise...I'll just dismiss myself to the powder room and have a little cry over it, as is my custom...

 Viola

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Re: My very second post...a RANT about my MIL

  • Ignore them. You'll never be able to please everyone with your name choices, go with what you and your husband want. They'll live. If you let them bother you this much over the names of your future children, how much will their teasing you over your parenting choices bother you?


  • What are the names?
  • BTW - No one has ever chosen the perfect baby name that all of the world admired with no dissenting opinions. 

    Px

  • They are rude people. ?No one with any couth would make fun of someone's name choices so blatantly. ?(Most people would say "Oh, that is unusual." or "That is an interesting name.") ?Ignore them. ??
  • I reserve my right to flame depending on what the names are.
  • Try as you might, you will never pick a name that everyone will like. Still, it sounds like they were rude, which was definitely unnecessary. Try to ignore it.
  • Okay, the names....

     Apple, Harlow, Pilot, Banjo, Moses...

    Just kidding.

    Some of the real names? Pearl, Clara, Frances (my middle name, my mother's name, my grandmother's name, HIS recently deceased Grandmother's name...this one really hurt), Alice, Victoria, Opal (my MIL's grandmother, for goodness sakes!) Gillian, Florence (my great-grandmother's name)

    For boys we're talking Alan (my husband's middle name), Joel Jefferson (my great-grandfather's first and middle name), Elliot, Duncan (my grandfather's name), Winston (as a middle name, I am a British citizen..soo...), Gregory

    I guess I just don't get it.  I realize they're old fashioned (I have a PhD in history, so I will give you that, absolutely.) 

     Flame away, you can't be any meaner to my non-existant babies' than their non-existant schoolmates...

     

  • They sound like a hoot.  Personally, I wouldn't keep my mouth shut if it bothered me that much. 

    BTW, I like your names.

  • Thanks, Fishballs. (Erm..never thought I'd write that phrase)

    I suppose that one reason why it hurt so much is that it has been extraordinarily difficult to come up with names that both my husband and I enjoy and agree upon, given that we have a rather large cultural gap between the two of us. (I was brought up in London, Wopping, and he was brought up in Montana, middle of bumfvck, so we have very different opinions upon names, as you might imagine.  We just worked sooo hard to come up with just those!)

  • I think the fact that they made fun of them so blatantly is a sure sign you're on the right track. :)

    Baby names are sensitive to any parent, and it's unfortunate your female ILs didn't realize the proper reaction for your suggestions, even if they hate them.  Bottom line - these are going to be YOUR kids, so it really only matters if you & your DH like them (and, of course, if they're not lining up your child to be ridiculed endlessly - i.e. Hitler would be a bad first name). 

    I do think your ILs have now relegated their baby-name-opinion to the very back burner, so if they ever ask again, you can just say, "Oh, thanks for asking, but we've decided to keep the name a secret until little Junior is born.  Guess you'll just have to be surprised!"  I like your names - I think family names are awesome to pass down (it's what we did with both kids).

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • eh, shake it off. ?As pp, you won't be able to please everyone.

    Usually when I am in that situation, I say the most random names possible to throw people off. ?I told my mom that we were naming dd Petunia...she almost died, the look on her face was great. ?This time around we are just starting to tell people what we are naming our son. ?It isn't anyone's business but you and your H's.?

  • I can feel your pain... but it is my husband that hates all the names I think about.  Then again I HATE the name he wants to give a boy.  But it is a family name and I'm willing to compromise.  (Like he gets the family name as his official name, but we call him something else)

    Anyway, just ignore them.  They had no idea that you were seriously considering those names for you child(ren).  They just thought those were names you pulled off the top of your head that you might think about naming your child(ren) one day in the future.  Yes the comments were a bit much, but getting this upset because someone doesn't have the same preferences in names is overreacting a bit.  Next time if they ask what names you like say "DH and I have already picked out a few names we like.  He is a big fan of (insert names here) and I am a big fan of (insert names here).  I think if we have a little girl, her name will be ___; and if we have a boy he will be ___." 

    Until then relax, they are just words until a baby is attached to them.

  • As far as dealing with the issue, hubs and I have agreed NEVER to discuss 'the b word' with my MIL/SIL/FIL/SIL/BIL until the concrete and fabled 'second trimester.'  However, weirdly, as if by ESP, my MIL just called and, amongst the regular conversation, she said "You weren't serious about those names, were you?  It's like naming your child Beulah..."  Oooh, slam, because my other grandmother's name is...yeah, you guessed it.  (And NO, we are not considering that name, we have old-fashioned taste but are not inherently cruel to children.)  Le sigh, isn't it weird how they just *know* how to push your DIL button?  What's up with that?  If I have a darling Gregory or Winston, will I suddenly develop the ability to hurt his wife's feelings?  ARGH!!! (Don't even ASK about what the wedding was like...)

    Sorry...you just gotta vent some Fridays...

    I'm also disappointed that I will just have to wait for my flame-wedgie...I had the fire extinguisher all ready to go and everything...guess it'll wait until next post...and oh yes, there'll be a next post...I guarantee it!

  • Oh your names are so beautiful!  I think its best you do not discuss this type of stuff with them.  I don't have children so I have always been confused when my pregnant friends "pick out" a baby name but don't tell anyone until the child is born - and the reason why is because they don't want to hear anyone's opinions on the names they have chosen.  The baby situation really is a private matter between you and your DH and I am sure you felt you could confide in them as a way to make a connection with them. Just ignore them and in the future do not share anything with them.

    (and again, those names are GREAT)

  • I would honestly not have discussed this topic with my ILs at all.  Makes them think they get some input.  Once you have the baby, you and dh "announce" what the name is.  Or at least, that's my view.

    We have discussed naming a son after my FIL, which I like.  I like the name and love my FIL.  We have discussed naming a girl after my mom, who died when I was 22.  Dh loves my mom's name (it's his best friend's wife's name also, coincidentally).  But I'm also working on him as to a few girls' names I have always loved.

    Discussing this topic with my in-laws?  I would not have done.  Anything I don't want their noses in, I try to keep private.

  • I would just be honest and say that it is hurtful when they make fun of the names you have chosen because they are family names. That should make them feel like crap (hopefully).

    Or, you could always reply "well, at least I'm not considering naming her (insert MIL's first name here). That's a horrible one!"

  • Not knowing your ILs at all, I don't know if it was a really bad attempt at a joke or if they were intentionally being rude.  In either case, you need to steel yourself against others' opinions about the names you choose for your children.  I'll bet if you shared your name choices with people other than your ILs, you could get the same reaction from some of them.  I'm not excusing their rude behavior, but it sounds like you are hurt that your ILs don't like the names, and you can't control that.  I can guarantee you that some people will like the names you pick and others will hate them, regardless of what the names are.  Some may be more vocal about their opinions while others will keep them from you.

    At least the ILs have a bit of warning about the possible names.  I get a feeling you would have received the same reaction from them once you actually named your baby.  At least now, they won't be so shocked at the name nor you to their reaction to it!

  • Lol. This kinda happened to me recently too except the opposite (MIL, SIL, and I were in the kitchen cutting & peeling too!). I told them a few names and FF a few weeks, SIL announces out of nowhere that if she ever has another child (WTF. She said she was done) she wants it to be a girl and wouldn't ya know it, but she picked the same exact first and middle name as DH and I did for our top pick. I just silently made fun of her and let it roll of my back. Whatever. Just ignore them.

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/8wgzv8.jpg[/IMG] Zombie apocalypse? I got this!
  • Viola - I think your inlaws are idiots.

    The names you picked are very nice.  I really like Clara, Alice, Victoria and Florence.  I do prefer Ruby to Opal and Pearl, though.   

  • Thank you so much oupinkkitty...you've got no idea what that means to me after all this.
  • image Viola88:

    ??As the coup de grace, my MIL pronounces "We better not let YOU name the children!"


    ?

    This would have been the perfect time to laugh and say, "MIL, you're so funny. ?Who in the world besides DH and me would ever make decisions about our children?" ?::shake head in disbelief and chuckle at your MIL's crazy joke::?

  • americanrumba:

    I adore Ruby, that's a really lovely one!  Thanks for the suggestion.  To respond to an earlier post: sadly, my female in-laws were not joking, they seem to enjoy having a laugh at my expense frequently and have said such terribly negative things to me that I've had to have my hubs discuss with her that she needed to tone it down.  Yes, I am foreign.  Yes, I am a big dork.  Yes, I prefer reading books to watching television. 

    I have very little family, and those I do have are a eight hour plane ride away.  We wanted to have a very small wedding in our local church (and by small I mean me in a grey dress suit and hat, he in his best suit on a Thursday afternoon, followed by lunch at a nice restaurant with my best friend and his family.)  He's the eldest, so my MIL insisted on the 'whole enchiladia wedding' (as my husband so elequently put it).  We pay for the whole bloody thing ourselves, complete with SIL bridesmaids and 100 people that we didn't know, you know, the works.  As my MIL was waiting for the wedding to begin, she said to my husband: "This is such a pain, why didn't you just elope to Las Vegas?"  Let's just say my MIL almost missed the wedding because my husband wanted to put her in the hospital so badly...

    In other words, she has a history of both intentional and unintentional comments that sting, to put it mildly.

     

  • Sorry you went through that. When I told my mom the name we had picked if we have a little girl would be Lena Grace (After my Gran and husband's Gran) My mom informed me my Gran would roll over her in her grave if I named my child that. Her name was Lena and was my mom's mom.

    You just have to ignore it :) My comment was she can't roll over in her grave she was cremated. Then she told me she would come back and haunt me, I just turned around and said well at least I would get to see her. I haven't heard a peep since about the names we've choosen.

  • That's our plan--not a word about it to the fam until a baby is born and the certificate is signed--too bad, so sad, MIL!

    Again, our lips are zipped, as they say.

  • Frances was my grandmother's name - I'd love to use it for our next DD but DH vetoed it.  I thought Frannie would be an adorable nickname for a little girl.  Now I'm leaning towards Margaret...

    I personally love "old-fashioned" names.  All of your boy picks are great too.  When I'm considering names, I think of what will look good on a resume in 22 years.

    Just remember, you're the one that fills out the birth certificate!  And they are being rude about it.

    [url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lb3f.lilypie.com/CGACm5.png[/img][/url]
    [url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lb5f.lilypie.com/Gyfwm6.png[/img][/url]
  • You know what I learned when I was PG?  I really hated discussing baby names with anyone. Really. Hated. It.

    Everyone had an opinion, usually some negative spin or such. Good friends and family members would feel free to make faces andsay negative things about my choices.  Openly.   A good friend ruined Erin for me by saying "Oh, I don't like it. I had cousin named Erin and every St. Patrick's Day we'd say "Erin go bragh ... Ering go braless."  I'm Irish, know lots  of Erin's and have NEVER heard that. It just spoiled it for me.

    You know what I learned? Stop telling people names you like. You thought you found a nice, safe topic.  Based on my experience, you stumbled ontothe BIGEST most volitile topic on babies ever.

    Its not you.  It the whole world.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    First of all, there is no reason for you to be in that situation.  If "the boys" were watching basketball, you should have been watching basketball.  Help at your mom's house, not your MILS.  That's your dh's job.  Stay by your dh's side if you don't like "the girls."

    Second, I'm sorry this happened.....but you only set yourself up for failure.  You know what they are like.  Why did you throw out "real" names at all?  After all, they were only baiting you - your MIL isn't having another baby! 

    And if she cracks about Buela again, tell her tersely "that is my grandmother's name." and just leave it at that.

    They were TRYING to set you up, TRYING to get a rise out of you, and they did.  Next time, let your dh peel the potatos and make up false stories about your lives so that you aren't giving the ILS any real information to hit you with.  If your dh later says to you "why did you tell my mom we were naming a daughter Harlot?" then tell him you didn't feel like sharing the real names with your mom.

    And if they bring up names again, I'd tell them "oh, we're not thinking of Ruby anymore, we both like Apple"

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • The next time they ask about baby names tell them you were thinking of Tiara, Elvis, Peen, or Butthead. That should shut them up.

    Otherwise, tell them your names are NOTB and they can shove it. Your names aren't horrible. I personally dislike my sis's baby names, but I'd never tell her that. It is her decision in the end.

    Have fun....sounds like your IL's are just critical in general.

    CALM DOWN though...ignore them and move on.

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