Sex & Romance
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Selfish Husband DD

So my DH and I have been together for over 10 years.   We used to both have kind of lower sex drives.  We had sex maybe 4 or 5 times a month for the 1st 7 or 8 years of our relationship.  

When I got to be 32-ish I started to get way more sexual.  I want it all the time.  he has not changed.   Then-- to make matters worse, I needed medically to stop taking hormonal birth control. 

He hates sex with condoms (always has).   he has always rathered not to have sex than to have it with a condom.

He really wants to have a baby (I do not yet).  He always says he will have sex with me with no condom as he wants a baby.. but I don't want that so it has as of today been 3 months with no intercourse.   I have given him oral at least 6 or 7 times and we have made out, etc (I do not like oral).  

Anyways-- before you ask, I have tried everything.  I have done sexy undies (and BTW I am 108 pounds and work out all of the time so not overweight or let myself go in anyway), stripped, talked dirty.  I have tried talking to him about it at times not around sex , I have tried igoring. 

He says he is so happy and loves me so much and just does not understand wy I want it so much.

How do I handle this?  I can masterbate a lot I guess, but this is starting to make me upset.


OP - You say you DD'd because of too much personal information in this. I don't really see anything identifying. I took your SN off. No one will know who you are unless you let the cat out of the bag.

Therefore, you can keep getting advice on your awesome husband and there's no need to worry about the "personal" information because it's non-existant.

Re: Selfish Husband DD

  • this is fine to post:)   I tried to delete the follow up post I made within in the post that discussed the reason behind why I am scared of pregnancy that quite frankly I just did not want all over the internet.   I hit delete and somehow deleted the whole post.  

    I was not upset with the advice.  I totally agree that we need to do something.   I also think he is being selfish on this.    We will work together to fix it. 

    thanks again!!!  

  • NW - I agree with him being selfish, and also missed the other posts. To me it sounds like he is using sex to get what he wants. He really wants a baby, you really want sex. He will not wear a condom, so he is holding out until you cave and have sex with no condom, with hopes you will get preggo. You may have already answered this, but why not use another form of non-hormonal BC?
  • I am thinking of getting a cooper IUD.   the issue is that 1) I have never had a baby and my personal gyno won't put one in me (I could go to Planned parenthood or something, but my doctor does not do this and 2) I am old enough that if I decide to want kids, it will be likely next year or the year after as getting much older than that is not for me.  

    There are some very good reasons why I am scared of geting pregnant (regarding health) that my mom had before she passed away. 

    Anyways-- it is just one of those things that I am not sure I want to get an IUD (it hurts and is expensive) for 12-24 months.

    Diaphrams I just do not trust.   I have a tipped urterus and I have known too many people that have got preggo on them.  

    Condoms have never broken for me and if used perfectly only have a 10 or a 12% fail rate (at worst).   It would not be horrible if I got pregnant, I am just still scared and not quite ready.

    But yes-- I totally think he is being selfish and we need to work through this.    It is very frustrating. 

    Are there other husbands who hate condoms?  Honestly even years ago (when I was on the pill) he used to hate condoms (and preferred no sex to sex with them) and that was before he wanted kids.   Now he wants kids and I agree that this is immature for him to use it like a prize that I want to get his way (which I am not caving on), but the question about condoms is still there.  Is this really weird to hate them this much?

  • I put this in my response to the "tmi" part of your post....

    The main issue here is that your H thinks it's ok to withhold sex because you aren't ready to have children.  He's using the condom thing as an excuse.  Calling you a "baby" because you don't feel ready to have children is also re-damn-diculous.  You can use a diaphragm as a non-hormonal method of BC if that's what you need and that in conjunction with spermicide, should give you a pretty good amount of protection. But seriously your H is being a turd.

    He needs counseling to work out his issues and you need counseling to work out the fear issues (re: your mom).  I would bet both individual and couples counseling would work wonders for the both of you.

    And as far as the disliking condom issue...

    Generally speaking, men would choose no condom over wearing a condom in a situation where that is an option.  When the choices are wear a condom vs. no sex, I don't know a single man that would choose no sex.  I find that incredibly odd, and is probably something he should get checked out.

  • Apologies if my advice has been said before. ?I didn't read the earlier post and responses.

    ?

    Since he doesn't want to use condoms (and since I am not a fan of them, I can't honestly blame him), and you don't want to use hormonal birth control (again, a reasonable request) what about an IUD (without hormones)? ?This option meets both requirements. ?The whole topic of having another baby is one that will have to be addressed in an environment that is not sexual- related. ?While having a baby requires sex (in most cases), one partner should not use sex as a bargaining chip for another child.

    And in my gut, I can't shake the idea that your hubby wants another baby because he feels it will tie you to him even further. ?I think he is intimidated by your newfound sexuality and secretly fears that you will stray to get your needs filled. ?He may not have even acknowledged those feelings in his own heart. ?He wants you to have another child because it will drain some of the energy you would have for sex.?

  • Since the Nest ate my edit, I will add it here:

    On the topic of IUDs being too expensive to use for only 1-2 years, I would have to ask: "What is condom-free, hormone-free, pregnancy-free sex worth to you?"

    ?

  • image NewlyWeds13:

    I am thinking of getting a cooper IUD.   the issue is that 1) I have never had a baby and my personal gyno won't put one in me (I could go to Planned parenthood or something, but my doctor does not do this and 2) I am old enough that if I decide to want kids, it will be likely next year or the year after as getting much older than that is not for me.  

    What about the Today's Sponge? Or would that be too much like the diaphragm?
  • image DulceDeLeche:

    Generally speaking, men would choose no condom over wearing a condom in a situation where that is an option.  When the choices are wear a condom vs. no sex, I don't know a single man that would choose no sex.  I find that incredibly odd, and is probably something he should get checked out.

    Her H is probably taking care of it himself. I am not saying this is the case for her H, but SOME men are SO selfish, stubborn and refuse to give an inch when you give them a mile, that they will suffer, make others suffer and play games, JUST to get their way. It's a power trip/control thing... childish and immature I know!!!
  • In addition to counseling so you can work on your communication, my advice was for your DH to see an endocrinologist. He may have low testosterone or some other hormonal problems. As your loving DH, his response to you (or lack thereof) is not normal, not healthy, and may be a sign of some other issue that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE YOU. The answer to his problem can hopefully be found in consultation with MDs and therapists - not on thenest.

  • As I read this post, I felt myself almost physically straining against incredulity.

    If we assume you have given us the whole truth, then I have a couple of questions.  What was the pre-marriage understanding regarding children and timing?  Why does he feel so strongly about having children right now?  Have you stated that you will never have kids?  Is that why he might feel like this is final stand territory?

     And on a more detailed note:  Why give him a bj if he is using sex as a weapon against you?  It makes no sense to me.  Additionally, my entire male experience screams that this scenario is patently absurd and represents no known reality.

    But...I give you the benefit of the doubt.  If it's important enough to him to abstain from sex, you need to consider this kind of a relationship buster, kiddo.  This one needs some hashing out, and stripteases and blowjobs aren't going to solve your problem.

  • it has as of today been 3 months with no intercourse.   I have given him oral at least 6 or 7 times and we have made out, etc (I do not like oral).  

    I don't understand this. He refuses to have sex with you, but you've given him 7 BJ's? Why? I'd cut oral sex out of the menu until vaginal sex is back on again. And of course nobody likes condoms. They suck. But he needs to man up and wear one.

    image

    I wrote this! 
  • I personally am not a fan, but why not use natural family planning. You can determine when you are ovulating and not have sex at that time and have unprotected sex at all others. Some people on here rave about it. I think it's stupid but if you can't use bcp and he won't wear condoms, then it seems to be a logical choice for you.
  • But I thought the point was that he didn't want to wear the cap because he wanted to get her pregnant.  Not just the feeling bit.
  • image thinker23:
    But I thought the point was that he didn't want to wear the cap because he wanted to get her pregnant.  Not just the feeling bit.
    He really wants to have a baby (I do not yet).  He always says he will have sex with me with no condom as he wants a baby.

    I believe you are correct.

  • honestly its both.   the recent refusal is baby related, but he has always for the years I have known him hated sex with a condom. 

    He always loses his erection when he has one on (and I think he gets embarrased) but never does without one and when you combine this with lowered sensation and the fact that he wants a baby now... he point is that he just does not want to.

    I have to get an IUD I think.   I am going to look into where I can get one since my regular GYNO won't put one in a woman without kids.  Urgh

  • I think your husband is being really selfish.  I am 27, got married last year, and am a breast cancer survivor. I can't use birth control because my cancer was estrogen based (I also can't have children but that is another issue). My husband and I always use condoms.  It is the only way we can have sex without jeopardizing my health.  He understands and has never once complained because he loves me and condoms are a necessary "evil" in our lives.  The use of condoms has never interfered with our sex life.  You need to sit your DH down and talk to him, condoms are really a poor excuse for a non-existent sex life.  He needs to work with you on your relationship and if he doesn't then you need to seek counseling together.   

    U/S#1 showed 2 heartbeats! U/S#2 showed Baby A's heartbeat was 157 and Baby B 's heartbeat was 183! U/S#4 showed Baby A is a Boy (heartbeat 161) and Baby B is a Girl (heartbeat 159)!! Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • image NewlyWeds13:

    He always loses his erection when he has one on (and I think he gets embarrased) but never does without one and when you combine this with lowered sensation and the fact that he wants a baby now... he point is that he just does not want to.

    Have you guys tried the Lifestyles brand, type "Ultra Thin?" Whenever women ask about condoms on here, that's the number one mentioned.

    My exes have said in the past that they can barely tell there's even something on. It's thin enough to feel non-existent. So if it's the loss of sensation, you should have him try those.

    As far as the diaphragm goes, it's not as effective without a condom. Almost every OB will tell you that you should use it with both spermicide AND a condom.
  • Your husband is being selfish, because he is not meeting you halfway. So what he doesnt like condoms, he needs to put one on so you can have sexual pleasure. So you been giving him oral 6/7 times. Have you got any oral? Three months without intercourse is a serious problem. Marriage is about give and take, and compromise, there has to be a happy medium. Dont compromise having children until you are ready because that willl affect what kind of mother you will be, let him know this. Tell him being a great mom is one of the most important things to you. For the simple fact that you said you dont want children yet is a reason for him to meet you halfway. Its not like you said not now not ever. I feel for you, you have gone out your way to be sexy, wear lingerie, etc and he cant smack a condom on out of a lil discomfort. I am pissed! He doesnt like condoms! Well you dont like oral! Yet he's been getting it! Give and take! If he knows you dont like oral, and you do it, how does he justify his selfishness. Maybe his penis is broken and he needs to see a doc, there could be a serious reason, because i just dont understand this.
  • The "problem"?

    You've reached your sexual peak! Good for you!

    Women reach their sexual peaks in the early 30s or a bit older....and your H should be thrilled about your new higher sex drive.

    What you need to do:

    First and foremostly, look into getting a diapharagm. That should be the perfect solution to you both.

    Second of all, do NOT do anything more about the child issue: this is something you both need to discuss together and the decision should be one amicable to you both.

     

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards