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Over Reacting?

Sunday morning I walked into my place of worship, totally shocked to see my cousin and his wife there, formally one of my good friends, but we seem to have grown apart the past few years.

 

I was surprised to see them because we live 2.5 hours away from each other and only get to see them a few times a year.  A little background on this: I?ve obviously known my cousin my whole life.  We spent a lot of summers together and agreeably referred to each other as ?favorite cousin?.  I introduced him to my friend; they got married and have been married almost two years now.  Her parents still live in my town and she moved to his town.

 

Anyways?back to Sunday.  I gave my cousin a huge hug as he was waiting for me at the door and I was like ?I had no idea you were in town!?

 

He gives me a funny look and was like, ?My wife told me, she told you we were in town.  We?ve been here since Friday.?

 

I shrugged it off not pursing it any further and was just like, ?I don?t remember that, but its okay.?  I don?t like to cause problems.

 

Not wanting to intrude on their plans after the service I simply mentioned that if they had time before they left town I?d love for them to swing by our house and see our new place. My cousin was very excited and said they?d most definitely stop by and see it before they left.

 

Later on that afternoon she texted me: We?re gonna play Partini at mom and dad?s. If you want to come over you can.

 

I told her we had a contractor coming by to look at a project for us and couldn?t make it at the time she said.

 

Usually when they come to town her parents are the ones who tell us ahead of time and they are the ones who invite DH and I over.  This has happened probably three times and we?re cool hanging out no matter who invites us.  We always go, but my friend rarely tries to make conversation with me and I?m always fishing for something to talk about because it seems like I?m the one who carries the conversation. It gives me the vibe that her parents invite us over out of obligation.  However, her parents are so friendly and hospitable always. 

 

About 7:00 PM she calls me and says ?We aren?t going to be able to make it; its just too late.  It was just supposed to be a family weekend anyway.?

 

I was nonchalant and said maybe next time.  I live right off the highway on the way out of town.  It seriously would have only taken 5 minutes, maybe ten tops if we visited for 5 minutes.  In our last apartment it took eight months for them to come see our place, and they were probably in town ten times.  I?ve made effort to invite them over when I know they?re in town and they never come. We?ve never turned down an invitation to her parent?s house until this time and we seriously had another obligation. 

 

They?ve visited town before and not seen us and I?ve never been upset about it or given it second thought simply because I understand just hanging out with family.  We didn?t make plans to meet up those times. I was just shocked she told my cousin that she told me they were in town and she didn?t.

 

If they didn?t want to come, they could have told me upfront that they didn?t have time this trip instead of acting excited about seeing our new house.  I wouldn?t even care if they hadn?t stood us up other times back when we lived in our apartment.  Maybe I should just be grateful that they had the decency to call this time.

 

When I got off the phone with my old friend, DH gave me a hug without asking because he already knew they weren?t coming. DH initially said, ?Honey, don?t be too excited.  You know they might not make it over because they?ve said they were coming in times past and didn?t.?

 

When we go visit where they live we always make time to stop by and visit with her, even if my cousin isn?t there (he travels a lot for work).  I have a ton of family to visit in the town where they live and I still make time for her. 

 

I asked her last month when we visited their town if I?d done anything wrong or offended her because she?s been behaving strangely since she married my cousin (I didn?t tell her I thought she was acting strange or the time frame I thought).  Should I ask her again or let it be?  I don?t want to cause any problems, but most of all don?t want to loose the friendship of my cousin.  I really love my cousin. I understnad ppl change when they get married sometimes, but none of my other married friends seem to be so passive about our friendships.

 

I don?t know if I?m looking at this totally wrong.  Am I over reacting? Is it okay for my feelings to be a little hurt? 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

UPDATE: Talked to my friend and it turns out we both had a lot of unresolved issues in our relationship.  I'm glad we talked and I gained my friend back.  I hope we are friends for a long, long time to come.

Re: Over Reacting?

  • Somewhere along the way your friendship has changed. That's pretty obvious. And I think that you need to start accepting it for what it is and start working w/in those new parameters. As in- don't compare.  YOU stop by to see her when you're in town. That's very nice of you.  But that doesn't mean she has to do the same!  And as she doesn't, I think it's another clue that she doesn't feel as close to you as she once did. 

    As far as talking to her - if you really want to find out whats going on, then yes, talk to her. But dont' make it about "since you married my cousin".  Make it about the two of you only.  "Friend- I've asked this before and I dont' want to push the issue- but I really miss you and our friendship.  I really feel like I've done something to upset you.  I really wish you would talk to me about it.  I can't fix what I don't know is broken.". 

    I DO understand why you're feelings are hurt.  That's a natural reaction when you lose a friendship, or lose what it used to be.  There is NOTHING wrong w/ how you feel. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • East Coast Bride, You're right about our friendship changing it seems like night and day.  I would NEVER said anything about, "since your married my cousin..."  You're right-I should just accept the change.

    The only reason I included that I visit her is because I guess I wanted to show that I put effort into our friendship and don't expect more than I'm willing to do, or even as much because I'm fine not seeing her every time she comes to town.

    I might just let it go and not make effort anymore.  I feel like I've been annoyed with this thing for the last year and its getting to be a waste of time and efforts.  I mostly tried to salvage it for my the sake of my cousin and my relationship. I've already approached her about it so maybe see what happens by just treating her how she's been treating me.

     Thanks, I just need to work on the acceptance part. It's weird to have a strong friendship for 6 years and then it change

  • Trust me- I hear you and I understand how you feel.  But it is possible to eventually find acceptance.  And if it only annoys you - that may be a sign that it's time to stop trying!

    You can still be friendly w/ your cousin.  This isn't about creating a stink, it's not about making a stand, or what have you. It's about just taking a step back and actually following HER lead. 

    Other than the effort you put into the friendship w/ HER, dont' change anything else.  When you see them, be yourself, be excited to see them, talk to them - whatever you would do normally.  If you're invited over to her parents house, go if you want to go! 

    I've had friends over the years where once I just said "I can't put in all the effort" and I really did stop - it was almost freeing! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Yes, you're overreacting.

    They didn't do anything wrong or rude. What seems to have happened is that they tried to avoid this exact kind of run-in by coming into town to see other family members without telling you about it, so they wouldn't have to hurt your feelings by saying they didn't have time to come see you. But they accidentally ran into you, so out of politeness they said that maybe they would stop by, then didn't make it.

    I have a lot of family & friends in the same general area. Whenever DH & I come into town, all two dozen of them seem to think that we will have time to not only see them but spend quality time with them, and that they will be at the top of our list. It is not possible to hang out with that many different people in one short weekend and we really don't want to deal with guilt trips, so sometimes we just don't tell some of them that we're coming through - especially the people we feel are going to give us a hard time about it.

    Don't overreact; you are not being mistreated. This is just the reality of busy people with a busy life. Don't burn a bridge here just because they don't have as much time as they used to for you... if you really care about them, accept at face value what friendship they do offer.?

  • Smile
    image ibis:

    Yes, you're overreacting.

    They didn't do anything wrong or rude. What seems to have happened is that they tried to avoid this exact kind of run-in by coming into town to see other family members without telling you about it, so they wouldn't have to hurt your feelings by saying they didn't have time to come see you. But they accidentally ran into you, so out of politeness they said that maybe they would stop by, then didn't make it.

    Don't overreact; you are not being mistreated. This is just the reality of busy people with a busy life. Don't burn a bridge here just because they don't have as much time as they used to for you... if you really care about them, accept at face value what friendship they do offer. 

     

    Personally, I don't think you overreacted at all...you didn't fly off the handle in the church, at the used to be close friend who was supposed to have informed you that they were coming to town (accroding to the cousin).  You didn't react when they called to say they wouldn't be coming over, even though they said they would....and have apparently made a bad habbit out of this in the past.

    ~ibis~        

    I couldn't help but notice how many times you used the word 'they' in your first paragraph.  Remember, her cousin was under the impression that his wife (her old friend) had told her they would be in town.  So there was no 'they' in that, according to the cousin's knowledge.

    Not to mention, surely, the friend wasn't (and the cousin) weren't naive enough to think that they wouldn't end up running into you (poster) when popping in to the same church you attend...thats just a given.

     ...to the poster as well....

    I'm not saying  that they OWE it to you everytime they come into town to stop by, nor do I think you've implied that. 

    The wife needs to consider that her husband and you ARE family, just as the ones they come into town to see on her side are family...

    Whether SHE (the friend) feels as close to you as she used to isn't what its all about. Its not such an off the wall thing for one cousin to WANT to stay close to the other and hope for a good relationship there. 

    They need to understand (your close cousin included) that when you tell someone you're gonna do something...for the most part, unless it can't be helped, you do it....especially when it comes to making plans to visit someone. 

    Who knows what kind of preparations have been made just for your visit...and all b/c it suddenly doesn't fit one's idea of 'fun' or convenient, doesn't give someone the right to be rude & cancel.  And if most of this is stemming from the former friend not feeling as friendly as before...then shame on the cousin for allowing what SHE feels to affect how his relationship gets damaged for no legitimate reason.

    Although, I know as well as the other posters on here that you can't force feed 'friendship' on anyone and you can't make any relationship work since its a two way street...I don't blame you for wanting to know if its 'fixable', so I'm with you on just running things by her again to see whats really going on and being honest about whats taken place in the past and how its made you feel.  If she's as good of a friend as she 'used' to be, she'll be willing to talk to you and work on whatever it is....including doing her part to be a good friend and make time to hang out.  If not, then unfortunately it seems like one of those sad parts in life where for no particular reason, people just change. :(

    You keep your head up and handle it all appropriately & you'll know that no matter how it turns out, you've handled the situation the right way...in Love.

    Good luck!

  • image ChefsWife05:

    ~ibis~????????

    I couldn't help but notice how many times you used the word 'they' in your first paragraph.? Remember, her cousin was under the impression that his wife (her?old?friend) had told her they?would be?in town.? So there was no 'they' in that, according to the cousin's knowledge.

    Ah. I was actually inferring that this was a white lie on his part, again attempting to avoid awkwardness with the OP.

    The OP is assuming, and you seem to be as well, that these other people spend a lot of time thinking about her and when they'll see her, where they'll see her, how they feel about her, when they last talked about her, etc. I suspect that this is just not accurate. More likely, they didn't think about seeing her much at all, and just tried to cover their behinds when they had a run-in.

    And it looks like their unwillingness to deal with her directly is justified, judging by the way she is reacting to this incident. I have to tell you that I would probably avoid confrontation with this person as well.?

    It's a common mistake to believe that the targets of your peevishness are thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them; so many supposed affronts are based upon this misconception.

  • Reply to ibis  (my quote option isn't working properly!)

     

    " Ah. I was actually inferring that this was a white lie on his part, again attempting to avoid awkwardness with the OP.

    The OP is assuming, and you seem to be as well, that these other people spend a lot of time thinking about her and when they'll see her, where they'll see her, how they feel about her, when they last talked about her, etc. I suspect that this is just not accurate. More likely, they didn't think about seeing her much at all, and just tried to cover their behinds when they had a run-in. "

    ~~~~~~~~~

    I know what you were implying by it...I simply meant that to assume (not that its completely a bad assumption) but still, to only assume that the cousin was spitting a little white lie out there wouldn't necessarily be fair to him (but it could still be a fact)...But in man's mind, did he really have a reason to think his wife wouldn't have told the girl she used to be very close to that they would be in town?  If he's anything like some of the men I'm used to being around, they just assume the girls have already talked and know whats going on (even when thats not always the case). 

    I can't imagine them not thinking about the fact they would see her at church.  Thats not implying they 'think about her all the time', thats just simple ...you go to the same place where some one else will be, especially a church)....you'll probably run into them.

    I just think they ought to be mature enough not to make plans and break them on frequent occasion, which seems to be one of the things that has (rightfully) bothered OP.  Thats all

  • image ibis:
    It's a common mistake to believe that the targets of your peevishness are thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them; so many supposed affronts are based upon this misconception.
    This made me LOL because it is SO true!!

    And honestly- I don't know why it should be assumed that they thought about the OP when going to church, or that they should have thought about her. This is at least the wife's hometown - it's feasible that they were focused on coming into town to see her family and weren't really thinking about "Oh- who will we see at church?".

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Yes! That is exactly my point, ECB.
  • I think you're over reacting.  Things can change between friends and even cousins once you get old and married.  I don't talk to a lot of my cousins since I got married and it irritates me that they can come out here on vacation and not even mention that they are in town, but that's life it happens.  I think you just need to suck it up and deal with it.
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt147797.aspx[/img][/url]
  • Thanks for the advice, everyone. I don't feel so bad about it anymore. People grow up and change and I know that.

    My cousin was genuinly suprised that I didn't know that the two of them were in town. I've known him my whole life and know when he is surprised. His reaction was along the lines of, "Are you serious? That explains why I haven't heard from you. That stinks."

    Both knew I would be at church because it's the same place I've gone for my whole life every Sunday. It's actually where I met the friend. She showed up at my church when she moved to town when we were 16. The cousin was actually waiting for me at the door.

    The only people she visits in town here are her parents because the rest of the extended family lives elsewhere.

    My issue was that in past times she's said she'd stop by and see where  l live and in the past she wouldn't show up when she said she was coming without calling.  At least she called to tell me they were not coming this time. I don't care if they see me when they come to town or not. She's told me she'd be in town before, but had other plans and it never bothered me.  It just seems sneaky to evade me by telling her husband, "I called Moshgosh" when in reality, she didn't. 

    I just don't appreciate saying her saying they are going to do "this and that" and then don't. The first time I didn't care, or the second, third, or fourth times, but this time, I see pattern and I get her messge. I'll let it go and still be friendly to them but I'm not going to make a huge effort.

    This one time DH and I were going to meet cousin and her halfway for dinner and she cancelled because she had a "family thing to do". We didn't care DH and said another time. Since we were already on our way, I called a couple of other friends to see if they wanted to go instead and they said they already had plans with cousin and wife for dinner. The friends we called were NOT her family members and the friends actually invited us to come along.  I really didn't feel like going after that.

    My cousin is still very friendly so I didn't loose the more important friend of the two. Maybe contact him directly for plans with him instead of making plans for us with her and leaving it "up to the girs."

  • You sound like you're trying a LOT harder than she is.  Which is okay ... mostly ... but she's just not that into you anymore.

    He's your cousin.  You'll always be in touch.  Stop trying so hard.

    When are you going to get a little irritated by her behavior anyway?  The no-shows, vague invitations, always busy, family-only, weird 'thought you talked to my wife' and the blow-offs via text messaging?

    You don't have to be mad about it.  Just cool down a bit. You're not close anymore.  You shouldn't expect more.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • When are you going to get a little irritated by her behavior anyway?  The no-shows, vague invitations, always busy, family-only, weird 'thought you talked to my wife' and the blow-offs via text messaging?

    I should have listened to DH about this a long time ago! I kept making excuses for her because we'd been so close.  It was like one day, she just didn't like me any more.  I'm too patient and not confrontational at all-my flaw. DH says somtimes I let ppl walk over me.

    I give up on it and understand she's not interested in my friendship anymore.  If she wants to be my friend, she can call me, she can keep appointments.

  • It's always sad when a friendship ends or changes like this. But, it seems to me that you've accepted that, but you'd still like to see your cousin. Well, do it! Contact him every once in a while. Send an email or call and make plans with him.
  • I would just contact your cousin from now on. ?It used to be you could call your cousin or your friend. ?Now, she's not your friend, she's just your cousin's wife. ?
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