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Husband relies on parents too much

My husband relies on his parents way too much to make his decisions.  I'm trying to make him realize that we are adults now (almost 25, young but old enough...) and are capable of making decisions together without the input or criticism of our parents.  he has a hard time doing this...especially since they live nearby.  how can i help him realize that we do not need their opinion on all of our decisions?  i don't do that with my parents so i think it's weird that he does...any suggestions??

Re: Husband relies on parents too much

  • Well you should have married a self sustaining adult in the first place... really.

    You aren't ever going to be able to convince him he doesn't need his parent's advice.  I'm confident that you have told him a thousand times already that you don't want to consult his parents when making decisions.  Maybe with time he will get over this, maybe with counseling he will get over this, but then again maybe not.  This wasn't a surprise to you, you knew this before you said "I Do" and you married him anyway. 

  • Tell him it is effecting your marriage. And if he still feels the need to go back to his parents with blatent disgard of you, You have huge problems.

    You should be the only one who's thoughts matter to him.

  • Telling him what to do and expecting him to follow it becuase you've given good reasons is a lot like his parents telling him what to do.  You really haven't broken the mold.

    To be effective you have to respect him and his decisions .. even if his method pisses you off.  The more you expect him to make his own good decisions and choices .. the more you allow him to disagree (even with you!) the more he is going to be able to find his own voice.

    And finally, is this more about following the advice of parents or getting input?  Becuase my parents love to give advice, too.  It doesn't mean I follow it.  Is your complaint really about setting your own direction even if it counters what his parents view as "best".  Becuase THAT's a different problem. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • This seems weird to me too.  Maybe you could compromise - are there certain things you wouldn't mind his mom's opinion on (paint color, new curtains?) but that DH might agree to not discuss your upcoming vacation with her?
  • Is it EVERYTHING, or only certain issues? 

    If his dad is a financial planner or really into the stock market, for example, your dh might feel comfortable talking with him, esp. if you really don't know too much about investing.  But if its about....when you should have a baby, what color carpet you shoud put in the living room, where to invest, which job offer he should take...yeah, you have a problem.

    Maybe the best thing to do is wean him off slowly.  Tell him he can tell them anything about HIMSELF that he wants, but anything that has to do with the TWO OF YOU is off limits.  So, he can't tell them how much your house will cost (b/c that is your business to keep private), how much you make combined, how much $ you have in savings (b/c that is a joint account).

    The less info they have, the less they can guide him.  But then you're left with them having input on decisions that don't really matter - like eggshell or ecru for the wall trim.

  • What sort of things does he ask advice about?

    I don't think that asking parents' advice is necessarily a bad thing.  However, there are two caveats to this:

    1) When you're an adult, you should be able to make certain decisions on your own and shouldn't need your parents' advice.  Involving your parents in every single decision is extreme.

    2) If he's simply asking his parents' advice as you might ask friends for advice (e.g. "what do you think of this wallpaper pattern / carpet / paint color?"), I don't see that as a problem.  But if he immediately adopts their opinions, or if he sides with his parents when you and his parents have different opinions, that's a problem.

     

  • This doesn't bode well for you and your marriage and it doesn't bode well for your future together.

    How long did you date him before you were engaged?

  • We've both asked our parents for input on some major decisions because we value their wisdom and experience, but it's more along the lines of "Hey, this is what we're thinking -- are there things we haven't considered or something we're missing?" 

    There's a big difference between asking people you trust for advice in situations where they have more experience than you do and being unable to make a decision about anything until you've cleared it with mommy and daddy, though, and it sounds like your husband is trending toward the latter.  Was he like this before you got married?

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I disagree with the PP's that say you should have married someone different, or that you are out of luck, that it isn't going to change.

    I have the exact same problem as you - to a tee. 25 yrs old, recently married, I am very independent (may ask my parents for advice on huge issues), and DH is on the phone with his parents for almost every choice he makes. I am sure it's the same with you, it isn't little things, but the bigger things (what TV to buy, what bank to go with, etc.). I talk to DH about it everytime it happens (the last time was when were adopting kittens and he wanted to call his mother and ask her what she thought), I told him that there was absolutely no reason for his parents to be involved in this decision). He's a great guy and is smart enough to make his own choices, but has been programmed not too without "checking in first". It's not thier fault and yes they can change.

    You need to be honest about how it makes you feel (I say it makes me feel like my opinion as his wife is not valuable enough). Remind him that he is married to you now and that you make decisions together as a couple, not with either of your parents. The next time he wants to call his mom or dad, tell him to discuss it with you first, make a decision together, and then he can tell his parents what that decision was.

    He wont go cold turkey, but you can wean his off - IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise, every time is less and less. 

    "Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great events." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~ Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • I disagree with the PP's that say you should have married someone different, or that you are out of luck, that it isn't going to change.

    I have the exact same problem as you - to a tee. 25 yrs old, recently married, I am very independent (may ask my parents for advice on huge issues), and DH is on the phone with his parents for almost every choice he makes. I am sure it's the same with you, it isn't little things, but the bigger things (what TV to buy, what bank to go with, etc.). I talk to DH about it everytime it happens (the last time was when were adopting kittens and he wanted to call his mother and ask her what she thought), I told him that there was absolutely no reason for his parents to be involved in this decision). He's a great guy and is smart enough to make his own choices, but has been programmed not too without "checking in first". It's not thier fault and yes they can change.

    You need to be honest about how it makes you feel (I say it makes me feel like my opinion as his wife is not valuable enough). Remind him that he is married to you now and that you make decisions together as a couple, not with either of your parents. The next time he wants to call his mom or dad, tell him to discuss it with you first, make a decision together, and then he can tell his parents what that decision was.

    He wont go cold turkey, but you can wean his off - IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise, every time is less and less.  Good

    "Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great events." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~ Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thank you!  We dated for 5 years before we were married so we know each other very well and I knew this was an issue long before we were married.  The thing is, I definitely agree that we should talk to our parents about decisions that they have more expertise in, like investing or car issues.  Little issues come up here and there that he automatically calls his Dad on instead of thinking, what is the best way to solve this?  I am very independent and he is not so independent, and many people are opposites and that's why they get along.  I take pride in solving problems on my own, and learning from them if they maybe weren't the right decisions.  When I ask my parents for advice I am much like you in that I like to hear their input but I may not do exactly what they would do.  It's more of a personality conflict if anything, not any major dealbreaker.
  • You know exactly what I am talking about so thank you for your insight!  I don't think I am "out of luck" or married the wrong person!  Little things are what drive you the most crazy. I know everyone's parents have a hard time letting go and always want input but I use my discretion with asking for it.  He doesn't necessarily do that.  We have very similar instances that you have with your husband.
  • image hhodges02:
    You know exactly what I am talking about so thank you for your insight!  I don't think I am "out of luck" or married the wrong person!  Little things are what drive you the most crazy. I know everyone's parents have a hard time letting go and always want input but I use my discretion with asking for it.  He doesn't necessarily do that.  We have very similar instances that you have with your husband.

    He'll get there. You just have to tell him how it makes you feel - you want to to be a unit with him. You love and respect his parents, but they are their own unit and you want to make decisions between the two of you. You value his opinion and you want him to value yours as well.

    He will get there - it's not perfect for us yet either, but 100 times better from the beginning. Smile

    "Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great events." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~ Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • I can really relate to this- except it's me and my parents that have the issue!

    The only difference is that I recognized it early on and have tried to put up boundaries. That caused tension and critiscm that I don't know about life "little girl". yea, that's what I was called up until age 26. Mostly my dad is the one but, my mom has picked up on it too.

    I've tried to establish my independence as soon as I moved out of their house. It was a struggle and still is. I don't ask for advice and often times don't let them in on what goes on in my life. My husband and sister in-law don't understand sometimes. If I do talk about something socially with them at dinners and stuff... they suffocate me with their opinions and "this is what you should do" scenarios. I really try to avoid that if possible. It's difficult for me b/c my dad is also verbally abusive. I walk on eggshells alot of the time.

    It's not easy, but your doing a great job of trying to make your husband aware of this and making small changes. He will come around. Does he have a healthy relationship otherwise? Unlike me, unhealthy relationship with my dad... people on here will tell you to cut them off... but in all honesty I will not do that to my mother and family just because of my dad.

    Good luck with this! He will man up eventually. :)        

        

     

     

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • hm, this was hard on me to, my lesson though was not to nag him(I would always complain which would only push him further and further away instead of pulling him in towards me.) Its really over time that he will be able to stop, took almost a year for my hubby to stop with his step-mom. Took a lot of praying, ultimitally he needs to realize that your his family now, that at the end of the day its YALL living with the consqeuence what you do or not do( not his family.) One thing I learned as well was to makes sure he always knows your on HIS side. Never make it seem like your blamming or acusing him for listening to his parents, Its tough and its hard, I know. But It will get better :)
    -Elayne Ds Brown
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