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ILs are trying to turn my family against me...

So H and I have been together almost 5 years, and much of that time his family ( who live nearby) spent really working hard to drive me and him apart - to the point of trying to introduce him to other women AFTER we were married.  BIL/SIL even stormed out in the middle of our wedding ceremony, later claiming that they "just couldn't watch." 

This is the Nest, so a preemptive "why do they hate you so much?"  1. My ethnic and religious background don't match their idea of human perfection; 2. My H has a child with his ex-GF, and they feel it was inexcusable that he brought a stepparent into that child's life.  In short, they're a few french fries short of a happy meal.

My dad lives a few states away (which is a sore spot for him). He met my ILs for the first time at our wedding, which wasn't a positive encounter.  Our families seen each other since; that was 2 years ago.

I recently was crushed to get a (seemingly unexpected) email from my dad a few weeks ago saying he dislikes my husband and does not support our plans to adopt. 

The other day, I learned that the reason for my dad's email was that my BIL, as well as my H's uncle (uncle has a diagnosis as mentally ill, and I bet BIL prob would too if he but down the damm Bible and got the medical attention he needs) took it upon themselves to google my dad's place of work, and call him there to tell him the most off the wall lies:  DH is physically abusing me to the point of putting me in the ICU, he was married when I met him, he abandoned me by the side of the road late at night in a bad neighborhood, etc (much of this stuff that can be disproven legally).  Completely baseless BS, but really, if more than one person was telling you this about your only living child, it's so serious that you can't really laugh it off. 

My dad has had a very UGLY confrontation with my husband over this; H is so hurt and upset that someone would believe this stuff about him that he can barely talk to my dad.

My dad thinks I am in denial, etc, and (can you blame him?) is disgusted with me for staying in what he thinks is an abusive marriage.  My a-hole inlaws are driving a huge wedge between us; it's like if they can't split up me and my husband, they can turn my dad against me.  And he's choosing to take the word of these silvertongued sociopaths over his own flesh and blood.  I am gutted.

We have not had contact with either BIL or H's uncle and aunt for a very long time, due to their negative attitude towards me.  Unfortunately, they're spinning a very different story to my dad.

Advice, wisdom, solutions?  I've already lost enough family members, I'm not about to let some douchebags drive a wedge between me and my dad. 

Re: ILs are trying to turn my family against me...

  • Why is your dad taking their calls?  Doesn't he know what nutbags they are?
  • image LongLiveKuus:
    Why is your dad taking their calls?  Doesn't he know what nutbags they are?

    Ditto!

  • I would sue the family members that spoke to your father for slander.  Really.  They have ruined your father's relationship with you and your husband.  This can never be erased.
  • This really is pretty sick. The second he got this first bizzare call from the ILs, why didn't he call you immediately to ask you what the story was? He should have been highly concerned and upset for your well being. 

    He also should reported these calls to his supervisor; this is pretty much harrassment on your IL's part. Your father could have had their calls blocked. (not to mention what type of hot water your father could have gotten into at work for phone calls like these.)

    You and your H should cut ties with these horrid people; they sound mentally ill. That's pretty much the only thing you can do as far as getting away from them for good goes.

     I don't know how you're going to rectify the situation with you and your dad. It sounds like they did a pretty good number on him. I am sorry for your troubles.

     

  • Even in this crazy situation, my father would still believe ME over anyone.  Even though 2 people called him and told him these crazy lies, I'm confused why your father believes then.  If 10 people - who my father doesn't even know - told my dad something and I told him something else, he would believe me.

  • I second the pp who said to get an attorney in on this and sue them for slander.

    Hope you get this mess rectified.

  • image rori11:

    Even in this crazy situation, my father would still believe ME over anyone.  Even though 2 people called him and told him these crazy lies, I'm confused why your father believes then.  If 10 people - who my father doesn't even know - told my dad something and I told him something else, he would believe me.

    Ditto.  My dad would believe me over crazy in-laws any day.  Talk to your father.

    1) Press charges for slander (meets the criteria) if you wish.

    2) Have Dad block their number at work for harrassment.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • This is also going to cause quite a rift between you and your H.

    I'd call these horrible people and rip them to shreds over what they've done to your relationship with your father -- and why did he not call you when he got that first phone call? How was it that this entire mess snowballed into the clusterf!ck that is is now?

    I too am wondering why he believes them over you.

  • I'm wondering why your h is so angry.  He knows his family is mean and hateful towards you - can't he just accept the fact that his families' lies have poisoned your dad's view of him?  Does he have a problem believing that your dad loves you and wouldn't want you to be married to someone who is abusive (even though obviously your dad is wrong due to the misinformation). 

    Obviously, there are huge problems if your dad believes these people vs. you. 

    I would not call Uncle or BIL.  They want to cause drama.  If you phone them, you validate them. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image TarponMonoxide:

    I too am wondering why he believes them over you.

     

    My guess is that maybe the OP's dad truly believes that she's in denial. Women who've been abused have been known to defend their husbands, for fear of retaliation amoong other reasons.

    OP: I agree that you should consider slander charges.

    [IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/21e5kef.jpg[/IMG]

    [url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lb1f.lilypie.com/F4OFm4.png[/img][/url]
  • I, too, question why your dad even gave these crazies the time of day, particularly in the middle of a workday.

    You know your dad -- would your going so far as to bring a lawsuit for slander against Uncle and BIL be enough to convince him that they were lying through their teeth?

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • Your DH got ugly?

    What's that about?

    Your DH got mad that someone believed the lies that someone (his family) said about him?  So he gets to be offended?  That's convenient. Instead of dealing with the the very real issue before him, he gets horrible with your dad.

    He needs to APOLOGIZE. Sincerely.  Your father is the innocent victim in this.  He's being played and used.  And your DH is making it all about him.  When he should be showing compassion and a sincere willingness to sort this out. 

     

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image livinitup:

    Your DH got ugly?

    What's that about?

    Your DH got mad that someone believed the lies that someone (his family) said about him?  So he gets to be offended?  That's convenient. Instead of dealing with the the very real issue before him, he gets horrible with your dad.

    He needs to APOLOGIZE. Sincerely.  Your father is the innocent victim in this.  He's being played and used.  And your DH is making it all about him.  When he should be showing compassion and a sincere willingness to sort this out. 

     

    I agree with this completely.  And actually I don't think your father is off base for not believing you given your DH's reaction.  Perhaps if your DH didn't react like that your father would have viewed the situation differently.

  • Have you and DH considered marriage counseling? 

    Problem 1: his inlaws

    Problem 2: your DH isn't defending you

    Problem 3: your dad believes the IL's over his daughter (why?)

    Problem 4: your dh is mad at your husband instead of his parents who caused the drama

    You'll never be abe to control the IL's or your father.

     If you and your husband can't get on the same page and be supportive of each other (instead of attacking each others families) then you have some serious marital work to do before bringing another child into your home, be it IVF or adoption.  Stop talking about the families and start talking to your HUSBAND and get your team built up so anything thrown your way won't rattle and shake the world.

  • image livinitup:

    Your DH got ugly?

    What's that about?

    Your DH got mad that someone believed the lies that someone (his family) said about him?  So he gets to be offended?  That's convenient. Instead of dealing with the the very real issue before him, he gets horrible with your dad.

    No, my DH didn't get ugly.  My DAD got ugly with him (can't really blame him, given the gravity of what was said).  I overheard the conversation, and the way that my dad started off talking to my H was ugly.  My H handled it without insulting, cussing or raising his voice, and vented his hurt and frustration to me in private after the fact.  H's feelings were hurt because, well, wouldn't yours be hurt if someone accused you of being an abusive adulterer?

    And yes, my H has explained to his family that their behavior was unacceptable and that this is the reason we do not have contact with them.

  • image ElizabethD:

    Problem 3: your dad believes the IL's over his daughter (why?)

    Problem 4: your dh is mad at your husband instead of his parents who caused the drama

    You'll never be abe to control the IL's or your father.

     If you and your husband can't get on the same page and be supportive of each other (instead of attacking each others families) then you have some serious marital work to do before bringing another child into your home, be it IVF or adoption.  Stop talking about the families and start talking to your HUSBAND and get your team built up so anything thrown your way won't rattle and shake the world.

    I don't understand how I'm attacking my in-laws.  While I do not speak positively of them here, I think that given their history of trying to interfere with my marriage and now poison my dad against me, I'm within my rights to have hard feelings. 

    My husband is very upset with his family - as I have stated several times, this is why we really don't have a relationship with them.  He is also upset with my dad for listening to these people instead of me.  My husband and I are solid, it's just our relationship with our families of origin that's strained.  As strong as our relationship is, though, I personally need to maintain friendships, relationships with my family... just because I got married, doesn't erase my need for a connection with the other people I've loved all or most of my life.

    And Tarpon - what you said, is why my dad isn't listening to me.  Between the uncle and the BIL we have a private investigator and a psychiatrist...  they're masterminds at manipulating people.

  • image ictoana:
    I would sue the family members that spoke to your father for slander.  Really.  They have ruined your father's relationship with you and your husband.  This can never be erased.

     I'm interested to hear if one of you who's mentioned slander is a lawyer... I thought you could only sue for slander if you could prove the lies had caused financial hardship?

    Not trying to be snarky; believe me, I'd sue them if we could... 

  • I don't think it's so crazy that your dad would believe your ILs.  Thus far, your ILs have hated YOU.  It's a whole other type of crazy for them to accuse your H of domestic abuse.  And if you were being abused, it wouldn't be unreasonable for your father to believe that you and your H would lie about it (you out of fear or denial, your H for obvious reasons).  I would think your father wouldn't automatically assume that your H's family would make up crazy lies about him.

    I would try to meet with your dad in person to talk to him about all this.

  • I found this as a general query on a chat board from a law firm in CA:

    Although we only practice law in California, you may find the following summary of libel and slander law useful. I strongly suggest you contact a local attorney for detailed legal analysis and discussion about whether or not you have a legal case that should be pursued.

    What Constitutes Libel and Slander in California?

    As you may already know, to be deemed libelous under California Civil Code Section 45, the defamatory statement must constitute a false and unprivileged publication by writing, printing, picture, effigy, or other fixed representation to the eye, which exposes any person to hatred, contempt, ridicule, or disgrace, or which causes a person to be shunned or avoided, or which has a tendency to inure a person in his or her occupation. Although not indicated in the statute, case law in California also requires a plaintiff to plead and prove the requisite degree of fault.

    If not defamatory on its face, a plaintiff is required to plead and prove special damages. If the statement is libelous per se, the court will presume general damages and special damages need not be shown. The test for libel per se is whether a defamatory meaning appears from the language itself without the necessity of explanation or the pleading of extrinsic facts.

    Libel per quod issues may exist (a reader is able to recognize a defamatory meaning only by virtue of his or her knowledge of specific facts and circumstances extrinsic to the publication, which are not common knowledge).

    Slander (in California)

    Slander is a false and unprivileged publication, orally uttered and communicated by radio or any other means, which charges or imputes that a person has committed a crime, has an infectious or loathsome disease, or is important or unchaste, or which tens to directly injure a person's business or professional reputation, or which causes, by natural consequence, actual damage. See California Civil Code Section 46.

    If the slander is per se (no additional information is needed to understand the slanderous meaning), then damages are presumed. In this instance, a plaintiff may recover for hurt feelings, mental suffering, and humiliation without proving any out of pocket loss. If not defamatory on its face, the plaintiff must plead and prove its defamatory meaning.

    Related causes of action might include libel, slander, trade libel, slander of title, false light, publication of private facts, intrusion, fraud, deceit emotional distress. In California, the statute of limitations is one year from the date the defamatory matter is published. (Civil Code 340(3). Governmental claims must be properly presented without six months after the accrual of the cause of action per Gov Code Section 911.2. The public entity then has 45 days to respond.

    The above information is provided for discussion purposes only.

    This is for California, which might be different than your state.  Unfortunately the search engine for your state's Code is down for maintenance for at least the next hour and I'm not waiting up.  I have laundry to do, a kid's bedroom to clean and a birthday party to go to.  So why the heck am I up anyway?  I can possibly look it up later if you remind me.

    It's probably going to be an hourly-fee case and not a contingency case.  Still, if you can do something as simple as finding an attorney willing to write a Cease and Desist letter it might get some feathers ruffled.  Wink

     


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  • Ignore your IL's, and advise your father to do the same.  Case closed. 

    I wish you the best of luck...your IL's sound like a$$hats.

  • H is so hurt and upset that someone would believe this stuff about him that he can barely talk to my dad.

    uuuuuuummmmmmmmmm HELLLOOOOOO....HIS family are the ones taljking all this *** to your DAD....why isnt he ripping them a new one<? why is he blaming your dad?



  • I think your DH should ignore your ILs. They're looking for confrontation from you and to get reactions. You have to let them think that they had no affect over you and your dad, and that they can't "get to you."

    As for your dad I don't really know anyways to convince against being abused besides somehow proving to him how crazy they are. Society has become hyper vigilant to domestic violence, which normally is great, but not for you right now.

  • You could always meet with an attorney to discuss a lawsuit.  It's usually a free consultation. 

     Slander would be tough though.   I believe you have to prove that what was said was a lie, and that the people spreading it KNEW it was a lie and MALICIOUSLY did it anyway.     At least, I think those were general requirements of slander. 

    They could try to argue that they didn't say it, or they didn't mean it, or they thought it was true, or that they were joking around, etc.   Without financial harm, it would be difficult to collect.  

    But, I think you should still see an attorney to discuss it. 

    About your dad, I think you need to have a frank face to face.  "Dad, I cannot believe that you would believe these freaks over me.   I am telling you the truth, and they are just trying to get at me any way they can.   If you cannot believe me over them, then I have no choice but to sever contact with you."   And do it if you have to.   Your dad wants what is best for you, and I doubt that he would want to sever all contact when he doesn't have all the facts or didn't witness any of the "bad stuff" your DH supposedly did.   

  • image magsugar13:

    H is so hurt and upset that someone would believe this stuff about him that he can barely talk to my dad.

    uuuuuuummmmmmmmmm HELLLOOOOOO....HIS family are the ones taljking all this *** to your DAD....why isnt he ripping them a new one<? why is he blaming your dad?

    Your H should be livid. The lies are implicating him.

    I don't know what you can do about your dad and I hope these sick people are no longer calling his workplace. If they are, these calls need to be stopped: he can have his work extension changed and his name taken off the company directory (the kind you get when you dial a certain number or letter when you get the phone labyrinth)

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