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I'm Nervous!

Our counselor says we should have a sit down with the IL's and for us to tell them how we feel and try to just smooth things over ( not for things to be like they were before but to help us get over it )

She suggested to either call them on speaker phone or sit down face to face. DH decided it would be better face to face so she can't hang up.

So dinner is scheduled at their house for Saturday, they refused to come to our house. I'm so nervous that they are going to completely attack me and shred me up.

The counselor suggested DH try to stay out of it if I happen to get in an argument with someone, she thinks I rely too much on DH to stand up for me and I never get to say what I need to say...which is why I have so much resentment towards them.

Anyways, just wanted to share how nervous I was.

 

Re: I'm Nervous!

  • I would be nervous as well. Don't know the background of your story. I will say this, people can't read our minds. Just communicate clearly and directly exactly how you feel while being tactful and gentle whenever possible.
  • What does your counselor think this will solve? improve?


  • I find people behave best in public.
  • I don't want this to sound rude, but from what I have gathered from your past posts you are more the domineering person in the relationship.  I don't really see how you are relying on your DH, but then again I haven't ever heard his side of the story.  I do think that you have a tendency to overly dramatize things, so please just try not to stress yourself out about this too much.  Remember you can't fix everything and some things you just need to let go.  Close your eyes and breath deep, repeat as necessary.  (really do it now) 

    Can you share exactly what your counselor thinks you are going to get out of this?  or any other information you have gotten from your counselor that pertains to this situation?  I just don't totally see the point in this.

  • I told her things that have still bothered me from 5 years ago about them. She thinks the reason they still bother me so much is because I never got to talk to them directly about it and tell them how much they had hurt me ( of course I will only be talking about the most recent issue with them which is also the biggest ).

    She says once I learn how to talk to them and open up, it will be easier in the future to stick up for myself instead of being p!ssed about it and holding it all in.

    I always counted on DH to do the talking while I never got to say " You know that comment really hurt me and I'm very confused as to why you would try to hurt me? type of thing.

  • Ah... OK, I kind of see what the point is now.

    Make a list of things that she/they have done that has been hurtful to you.  Write everything you can think of down, take some time and really think about it.  After you have a complete list, wait.  Try to wait for a day not paying attention to the list and not thinking about the list.  Then go over the list.  Figure out what was really hurtful and what might have gotten blown out of proportion.  Try to narrow the list down as much as possible.

    When you go to meet your IL's, bring the short list with you.  This will give you a game plan of what you want to talk about, and planning makes everything easier.  Remember that you cannot control them, only yourself.  Also remember that you do not deserve to be abused or insulted, and you should not tolerate it.  If she says anything hurtful, call her out on it.  If she can't control herself, I wouldn't waste my time trying to talk.

  • image ictoana:

    I don't want this to sound rude, but from what I have gathered from your past posts you are more the domineering person in the relationship.  I don't really see how you are relying on your DH, but then again I haven't ever heard his side of the story.  I do think that you have a tendency to overly dramatize things, so please just try not to stress yourself out about this too much.  Remember you can't fix everything and some things you just need to let go.  Close your eyes and breath deep, repeat as necessary.  (really do it now) 

    Can you share exactly what your counselor thinks you are going to get out of this?  or any other information you have gotten from your counselor that pertains to this situation?  I just don't totally see the point in this.

    It wasn't rude at all! I am definately not the domineering one in the relationship, at all. I tend to hold a lot of my anger inside ( I've always been like that, so the counselor wants me to start talking to the people I have problems with, starting Saturday ). We've only been there 2 times and the first was basically an intro ( why are you here, what do you wish to solve, etc. ). The first time we went was the one that I posted about and our 2nd was yesterday.

    I really appreciate your comments, you always give it to me straight and make me realize I am over reacting when I go into drama mode, thank you!

  • GL to you.  From what I gather about your MIL- I wouldn't have very high expectations for this meeting. 

    My IL's have refused to respond to our letters to them in regards to our "situation" and asked us to call to set up a time to get together instead.  Sooo I can understand your nervousness about it.  I am NOT interested in or ready to get together with my IL's. 

    I would be interested to hear how your meeting goes.  PM me about it if you would like- I really appreciated your comments to me about me IL's on my post a few weeks ago.  Good luck to you- I hope that it goes well and that some resolution comes from talking with them.

  • This is a lot of drama for a teenage relationship.
  • Put things into perspective - they only want to see you on their own turf.  They refuse to go to your house, even if it is to discuss your problems and work towards solving them........please don't think you will resolve much (although it may make you feel better to get things off of your chest).

    In the future, I would suggest meeting them at a neutral spot - a coffee shop or diner. That way either party could leave, but there is also less chance for shoting, tears, drama.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image Wahoo:

    Put things into perspective - they only want to see you on their own turf.  They refuse to go to your house, even if it is to discuss your problems and work towards solving them........please don't think you will resolve much (although it may make you feel better to get things off of your chest).

    In the future, I would suggest meeting them at a neutral spot - a coffee shop or diner. That way either party could leave, but there is also less chance for shoting, tears, drama.

    Thats a good idea, a PP suggested that earlier too but I didn't get a chance to respond. I think I'll tell DH to see if they would be willing to go out somewhere. We'll see what happens

  • I would absolutely second (third?) the idea to go out.  You are on "their turf" so to speak and obviously they understood that enough to reject your home.  Def. get yourselves into neutral area where you can leave if you want.  I also disagree with the counselor's recommendation to your DH.  Although he shouldn't step in to say what you need to, I do think it might be a good idea for him to be prepared to say "Mom, Dad, The_Good_witch isn't done speaking.  Please wait just a few more minutes until your turn."   "Mom, please do not speak to my wife like that.  She was not yelling at you, and I will not allow you to yell at her or us.  Please stop.  Good Witch, do you want to respond?" etc... more like a ref.  He needs to keep it from gettiing out of hand, and allow you a chance to speak.  Good luck.  I wish you all the best.
  • Good luck.  I'm surprised your counselor would suggest this.  We have been in marriage counseling for the past year to deal with issues regarding my MIL and (perhaps because our counselor recognizes but will not verbalize that my MIL has a personality disorder - for fear of alienating dh - just my theory because it is clear to me he recognizes her inappropriate boundaries) I don't think my counselor would ever suggest a sit down with dh's mother.

    What does he think the meeting will accomplish?  Does he truly think it will be effective? 

    I like the suggestions about meeting on neutral and public ground.  Less room for creating a scene.

     

  • i am somewhat new here and i don't know exactly what has happened with you and your ILs...but good luck. and i know what you mean about not getting to be the one to talk to them when they upset you. i try to let DH do the talking b/c it is HIS mother that upsets me...but i'm learning that i have to address things myself b/c she doesn't listen to him. she just says i am putting ideas in his head (which he knows for himself isn't the fact, but no matter how many times he talks to her, she just ignores it). you have to stand your ground with ILs like that. otherwise they will continue doing the same things because they think you dont have the backbone to stand up to them yourself. and having hard feelings is only wasting your own energy and time.
  • image The_good_witch:

    I always counted on DH to do the talking while I never got to say " You know that comment really hurt me and I'm very confused as to why you would try to hurt me? type of thing.

    Just a few points of strategy form a person with a bit of training in conflict resolution.  Words like "why" put people on the defensive and tend to lead to arguments.  Also telling people what "they know " is seen as aggressive and leads to arguments. 

    So I'm alittle alarmed that your intent is to say both of these things.  It may make you feel better to unload this on them .. but I'm cautioning you to use phrases that won't actualy spark an explosion.  If its your intent to have a fight, have at it .. but if its your intent to speak your peace, resolve some hurt feelings and kindle a better relationship with your ILs, then I wanted to point our that the phrases you chose were "fighting words".

    Think of it this way:

    "You know that coment really hurt me" ... Are you making the point that they knowlingly hurt you?  That they were being deliberate and vicious?  Are you noting that this has been discussed and established, as a point of reference?  

    The backlash leads to them say something like " No I didn't" - pointing to the fact that they didn't 'know' or mean it or anything like that ... which diverts from the point that YOU WERE HURT.  Now no one's talking about that.  Now its all about what they "knew" what they meant and how sensative you are.  You'll get frustrated that they are making it all about them ... but really you set it up that way. 

    Just talk about yourself and you and how you feel. "I was hurt" "I am hurt" is so much more effective.  It also makes them respond to you, your feelings, YOU.

    "why would you hurt me".  -That one is just loaded.  Really loaded.  Why statements almost never lead to an open dialogue.  It really puts people on the defensive.  If you find yourself wanting to say why, change it to "how come" ... or better yet, articulate your question better.  Becuase asking 'why' is really accusing them of doing it.  "Why did you hurt me" - is an accusation that they wanted to do it, saw a way and did it on purpose. 

    A better start would be "The comment about xyz hurt me. I felt very hurt." And let them respond. It doesn't flare their defenses.  It's a fact.  And you are owning your feelings. 

    Then if you still feel unresolved you can say something like "I am very confused." (Again, owning your feelings, stating a fact, being clear.) "How did we get here?"  And ultimatley if things go well "How do we get to a place where we both feel comfortable with each other again?" -That's an awsome question - full of power and mutual respect and forward momentum.

    Do you see the difference?  Do you see how you put things will make the conversation more productive? You have quite a bit of power. If you re-think what you want and what to say, you may even feel less nervous about having the conversation, which is where your post started.

                                                                                             Wink

      

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I noticed that you posted this on 1/29 and I'm guessing you had dinner with your IL's this past Saturday.  How did it go?  I hope everything went well and that you were able to work out some issues. 
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