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Advice on IL situation

Brief history.  DH (only child) marries me.  MIL dislikes me from getgo and thoughout 5 yrs. marriage (so far) lets me know that in not so many words/actions.  DH/I have DD 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  IL's watch DD while I go back to work PT despite my judgment otherwise.  MIL has 3rd tangent of ranting @ me on Valentine's Day last year.  DD goes to daycare.  Don't see them for 5 months, invite them to DD's 1st bday.  They don't RSVP, but show up, MIL doesn't talk to DH/I and FIL only hello.  Week after, IL's basically disown son, decide they're moving midwest, gave DH back anything having to do w/him (incl. his own baby books/pictures).  Haven't heard from them again since July.  FIL calls DH and says they're broke, need money.  Can they borrow some from us?  What would you do?

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Re: Advice on IL situation

  • Are you serious? Do you really need to ask this?  Gave back his baby books and now they want money? I'd tell them where to go... seriously - they only want to talk when they need something? Start enabling them now and it will NEVER stop...

    Good luck :(

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  • Well, these folks certainly have nerve. Disowning their son and then calling for money?

    Sounds like a manufactured crisis. How bad do they need how much money? (Are they homeless and starving, or do they need mortgage money).

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • What does your H want to do?  I would do whatever is going to be easiest on him.  If it eases his mind to send them some $ (and you can afford to send it) then do so.  If he doesn't care what their reaction will be if you don't send $, then don't.

    Yes it sucks that they've been bastards, and part of me would love to just laugh at their misfortunes to their faces.  Thank you karma.  I would totally understand if your H still wanted to send $, though.

    But if you're giving them $, consider it a charitable contribution.  Don't put any strings on it, don't expect to get it back, and don't expect it to change your relationship with them.  If H feels they are a worthy cause, then donate. 

    What a sucky situation.  GL. 

  • I think it's bill/mortgage money.  They're waiting to sell their place here.
  • DH does want to help them of course.  And I agreed to, but only half of what they wanted.  What FIL wanted was WAY TOO MUCH and even what we gave was WAY TOO MUCH.  We're talking 5 digits here.  We don't really have it, I even told DH, that's $ set aside for DD so I said we need it back. 

    They're horrible people to me.   

     

  • I would never in a million years lend them money. After what they did you their own son.  That is just awful for a mother to treat her own child like that.  I wouldn't have even answered the phone whenever they called, but thats just me.  Whatever you decide to do.. good luck!
  • I would not give them money.
  • image kmash0705:

    DH does want to help them of course.  And I agreed to, but only half of what they wanted.  What FIL wanted was WAY TOO MUCH and even what we gave was WAY TOO MUCH.  We're talking 5 digits here.  We don't really have it, I even told DH, that's $ set aside for DD so I said we need it back. 

    They're horrible people to me.   

     

     

    I hope for your DD's sake and the sake of her future they give you the money back.. if not its going to be an ugly battle.

  • image kmash0705:

    DH does want to help them of course.  And I agreed to, but only half of what they wanted.  What FIL wanted was WAY TOO MUCH and even what we gave was WAY TOO MUCH.  We're talking 5 digits here.  We don't really have it, I even told DH, that's $ set aside for DD so I said we need it back. 

    They're horrible people to me.   

     

     

    I hope for your DD's sake and the sake of her future they give you the money back.. if not its going to be an ugly battle.

  • image kmash0705:

    DH does want to help them of course.  And I agreed to, but only half of what they wanted.  What FIL wanted was WAY TOO MUCH and even what we gave was WAY TOO MUCH.  We're talking 5 digits here.  We don't really have it, I even told DH, that's $ set aside for DD so I said we need it back. 

    They're horrible people to me.   

     

     

    I hope for your DD's sake and the sake of her future they give you the money back.. if not its going to be an ugly battle.

  • sorry about the duplicate posts my computer went crazy!
  • Thanks for all the advice.  Despite my better judgment I agreed to 1/2.  DH knows how important it is to me that we get the $ back for our DD, but also for me, explain why in a sec.  I will be watching their condo LIKE A HAWK to see when it sells.  I recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, have gone through 2 surgeries and now in radiation therapy in the past few months.  Med bills, even w/insurance are no picnic.  I want the MOST cushion we can have if you know what I mean. 

  • It sounds like it's a done deal and your husband already cut them the check.

    I hope, for your sake, that you got the terms of the loan in writing and you have something (emails, letters, a contract) that you can use in small claims court to get your money back if and when they don't pay you back.

    I don't lend money to family members.  Ever.  And I'm on good terms with everyone in my family.  Mixing family and finances is just toxic under the best of circumstances, which yours certainly aren't. 

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  • Your husband was willing to loan them 5 digit figures of your child's money, when you have cancer?

    What the hell is the matter with him? His folks have nerve, and he has absolutely no spine. I'd insist on a lien filing on their condo, if nothing else, to insure you get that money back; and without it? I'd kiss it good bye, you will never see it again.

    I'm just astounded. Has your husband ever been in therapy? Because he needs some.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • You agreed to 1/2 of what they asked for - - - is it $ that YOU can afford?  I get along well with my parents, they have always been generous with me and I would have no problem lending them cash....but if that meant that my family would be headed towards financial crisis....I would put my H and children first.

    Don't base your loan on what THEY ask for (or a % of that).  Sit down with your dh, say "your parents want our financial help, and I know that's important to you, but I'd like to sit down with you and go over the numbers, so that we both know how that will affect our budget/lifestyle.  This is important for us to do, because with my healt issues and costs for DD, we need to be very careful."

    Then do the #s.

    I would also ask - - have they lowered the price on their condo?  I would call the realtor and ask how many times the price has been lowered.  If they haven't lowered it, they aren't serious about selling.

    IMO, they got themselves into this jam (buying a new home before they sold their own), and you aren't morally obligated to help them out (vs. if one of them was sick, etc.).

    You can also draw up papers, and even tie your loan to the sale of their house.  It will cost $ for a lawyer to draw the papers up (or check out legal zoom), but if it is a significant amout of money, I would do that.  People who declare they want nothing to do with you are the same sort of people who will decide that "they don't really owe you that money after all they've done for you...free child care, paying for college, etc........."

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Sorry, but your husband is a dumb_ass.  So are you.

    These people DISOWN him.......tell him flat out that they want nothing to do with him (after YEARS of treating you like shiit)..............yet you two still give them a large sum of money - which let's be real here, you'll never, ever see again (don't consider it a loan, consider it a gift).

    Kind of hard to feel sympathy for people who are stupid enough to let people crap all over them. 

    I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for.  It sounds like your husband has already written the check and sent it (with no type of contract, I bet.......which means that you'd even have a hard time taking this to court when the ILs refuse to pay you back, since you have no proof of an arrangement).  I doubt that your ILs are going to suddenly do a 180 and become the best parents/ILs in the world in light of your gift, despite what you and your husband were hoping for.  They'll likely continue to be the same people they were and treat you the same way that they did.  And no matter what anyone here says...........the fact that you gave these people money says that you will probably invite them back into your lives and tolerate their awful treatment again.

    So, good luck, I guess.

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  • I crunched the #'s myself.  Believe me, I totally took into consideration #1 priority, DD, then my health issues, then our house/other exps.  I would never have put helping them above ANY of that.  DH told me he wanted to help and it was for me to decide how much.  I told him what we could give and reiterated several times that I completely expect to get it back.  He said FIL said they would once they sell their condo.  The condo price has been lowered once now.  It's been on the market now since Dec 08.  I think we should get a promissory note going and signed between us so we have a legal leg to stand on. 

    Like you all have said, we DID NOT put them in this situation.  MIL's exorbitant spending habits and flighty crap have brought them to where they are now. 

     

  • image Sue_sue:

    Your husband was willing to loan them 5 digit figures of your child's money, when you have cancer?

    What the hell is the matter with him? His folks have nerve, and he has absolutely no spine. I'd insist on a lien filing on their condo, if nothing else, to insure you get that money back; and without it? I'd kiss it good bye, you will never see it again.

    I'm just astounded. Has your husband ever been in therapy? Because he needs some.

    This.  You don't need advice on an IL situation, you need advice on a DH situation.

  • This is why people continue to treat others with disrespect!

    Why? Because a person can treat you like a dog on the street and than you want to help them??? Youve got to be kidding!

    I would have laughed and hung up! They wouldnt get one dime of my families money!



  • You should try to get a promissory note signed, however I doubt they will sign it now that they have the money in hand.  Chances are that you will never see this money again.

    In the future, do not lend out money you cannot afford to lose (to anyone!).  And certainly do not lend money to people who treat you like crap.

  • image kmash0705:

    I crunched the #'s myself.  Believe me, I totally took into consideration #1 priority, DD, then my health issues, then our house/other exps.  I would never have put helping them above ANY of that.  DH told me he wanted to help and it was for me to decide how much.  I told him what we could give and reiterated several times that I completely expect to get it back.  He said FIL said they would once they sell their condo.  The condo price has been lowered once now.  It's been on the market now since Dec 08.  I think we should get a promissory note going and signed between us so we have a legal leg to stand on. 

    Like you all have said, we DID NOT put them in this situation.  MIL's exorbitant spending habits and flighty crap have brought them to where they are now. 

     

    Well, what's done is done.  Moving forward I would suggest:

    1) Getting a promissory note from them, but I honestly wouldn't hold your breath about getting paid back

    2) make sure you and DH are on the same page for the future, ie NO MORE help

    3) I think its just good general advice to never loan anything you can't afford to lose.

    Good Luck!

  • You and your husband are both stupid for loaning them the money.  I'd be willing to bet that you never see a penny of that money back from them.  There will be excuse after excuse and then they will disown him again and disappear until they need money again.

  • I'm not defend ing them, they sound dreadful.

    But giving someone their own baby books is hardly disowning them. My mother gave me mine years ago, she wanted to be sure I got them along with all my little kid stuff. Lord knows she has the storage between her two houses, but she didn't wnat them lost.

     

    If you're lending money, you can put a lien on the condo so you'll be paid back with the procedes from the sale.

  • I would never have agreed to give them any money.  I hope you also realize you probably won't see that money again.  You should never loan money you can't afford to just give away.

    Even if you have a promissory note, I doubt your DH would sue his parents for the money if they don't pay. He was so quick to bail them out now, I'm sure he'll feel sorry for them again when they give him a sob story of why they aren't paying him back.  You definitely have a DH problem!

  • I would have told them to go f?ck themselves, but that's just me.
  • I definitely understand where you're all coming from and if it was solely my own choice, I would have said no.  Believe me, I'm sick over it, my stomach's in knots for 2 days now.  I was stuck in the middle though, what was I supposed to do?  Tell DH no and see what he would do?  I'm going to tell him we will need a promissory note from them and repeat what I said about paying us back.  We are not crushed without this money, however, it doesn't change that I want it back.  Maybe I should meet with FIL and explain it.  Or email him? 

    I do understand all of your anger at this and if I was asked about it, I would be saying the same things you are.  I appreciate the open dialogue!

  • What Suesue said, exactly.
  • Yes, you should have said no.   Why can't you tell your DH "Sorry, but we just can't afford to lend out money right now"? 

  • Why can't MIL just sell some of that crap that she bought in order to raise some money?

    Has she stopped spending so much?

  • I told DH that, that MIL needs to sell all the useless (but pricey) artwork she bought and jewelry, too (not like wedding ring, but other stuff).  She doesn't even wear ANY OF IT.  Plus, there are the I can't even tell you how many collectibles she has that can also go bye bye...there are ways they can get some money.
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