Family Matters
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Unexpected Guests (ILs...)


Re: Unexpected Guests (ILs...)

  • image liviakaos:
    ivybug that's terrible! I'm sorry you had to deal with that. That's a bit creepy to have them peeking through windows and banging on windows.

     I agree creepy!!!

  • I agree with others, take that key away pronto!  I swear this is how my in-laws are (but not quite as bad).  Ever since DD was born they want to be around every week, which is why I quickly declined it when they offered us a rental property that was two houses down from them, Thanks, but NO thanks!

    Unexpected guests drive me nuts!  Even my neighbors whom I love drive me nuts but just stopping by sometimes.  Its really a hassle to stop everything you're doing and just jump to somone's whim especially if it's on a regular basis.

  • If DH won't get the key back, go to the hardware store and buy one of those chain locks for the door. They can unlock the door, but can't get in! Yes, I did this. And every time MIL stopped in I would say "I am feeding the baby, so I can't get up to unlock it. You should have called first." Well, she calls now!
  • I wouldn't bother trying to get the key back, I'd just change the locks. And honestly, if my DH treated me the way yours is, I wouldn't be giving *him* the new key either.
  • The others have addressed the dropping by unannounced issue.

    I'd like to know why your DH thinks it is okay for you to abandon your guests, in the middle of a meal, no less, for uninvited guests.

  • Change the locks pronto. And since the door was already open to them - follow the previous poster's advice and tell them NICELY that you are changing the rules.

    Also - don't let your DH be the go-between. Present a united front.

  • image katorigasuki:

    your H is wrong about this.  you BOTH live there.  and you BOTH need to be comfortable in your own home. 


    It's your home. You get a say. It doesn't matter if you ARE being unreasonable about something (and in this case, you're not), if you pay rent/mortgage etc, you get a say.

    DD 2.9.10 DS born sleeping 12.2.12
  • Some questions:

    What did your DH say to his parents when they complained about you? 

    Why were you the one who was left to deal with your inlaws and the freezer? Why wasn't DH dealing with them?

    When he originally told them to call before coming over, did he make it clear it was a request from both of you or was it delivered like, "Wife gets upset if you drop by without calling"?


    image Lucy, 12/27/2009
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Wow!  This would make me truly nuts.  I like to walk around in my pjs, clean the house, etc.  When I lived alone, my parents had a spare key.  It was never an issue until one morning they decided to stop by.  It was 8am and I wasn't home.  I hadn't told them that I was dating someone.  It was an awkward conversation.  Luckily, bf was to become my DH but not really the way to have him be introduced to their lives. 

    They make comments from time to time that they don't have a key to my house.  I reply with "why do you need a key?"  My mom has all the emergency what-ifs which we already have covered.  We still have this conversation every few months.

    Could have the OP unexpected visit been a power play between parents?  Your in-laws way of telling your family that they are closer to you with the key, baby things, food, etc. 

    Your DH has to speak with them.  As a mother, I would be so anxious having an unexpected visitor in the house with my child.  What if there was a burglar but you assumed it was MIL/FIL and didn't react?

  • whoa. you are NOT in any way overreacting. you are being completely reasonable. there is no way that your H should expect you to be totally comfortable with them--or anyone at all--just dropping by and letting themselves in.

    and while yes, it WAS thoughtful of them to pick up things for you that does not in any way mean you should feel obligated to take time away from entertaining INVITED guests and spend time making sure they have room to put something away. had they called ahead you could've made room yourself...but for them to re-organize YOUR freezer is crossing the line. my mil brought us some crystal stemware once and i had a house FULL of guests--it was for a housewarming/bridal shower--and my aunt found her snooping through every cabinet in my kitchen with her excuse being "i'm just looking for somewhere to put these glasses i brought them" and my aunt suggested asking ME since it was our house.

    there is a huge difference in being welcome at someone's house and making yourself welcome. maybe you should be the one to sit down with your ILs with your H present and have a discussion about it. let them know "sometimes i'm not prepared for company...and i appreciate the thoughtful things you do for us, but if no one answers the door and you haven't called ahead try calling or ringing again...if we haven't answered, there's a reason and i might not be dressed or ready for you to let yourselves in" if that doesnt work, take the key. my ILs have a key as well as my parents, my ILs live an hour away so we dont have this problem, and my parents know they had better call ahead or have permission to use our key and it hasnt been an issue. it just sounds like you are going to have to be the one to set ground rules here and enforce them. clearly your H isn't considering your feelings at all and he should lose the right to make the rules about this.

  • put a chain lock on your door
  • Wow!  The doorbell rang and your ILS walked in...does that mean they don't even wait for you to answer the door?

    I would talk to them yourself (with dh present and supporting you).  "DH told me you were upset that I didn't have time for you when you stopped by on Sunday.  While of course we appreciate everything you do, you came at a really bad time for us.  That's why we ask that you call first."  I wouldn't apologize, and put the blame for their "hurt feelings" squarely on them.  They know what they are doing is wrong (if in fact your dh DID talk to them -are you sure they did?). 

    My mom often will walk right in the house if the door is unlocked.  I ALWAYS make a comment "there is a doorbell for a reason."  Of course, it is very hard....she doesn't answer her own door when I ring the bell to their house, she WANTS me to walk right in." blah!  I lock the door as much as possible (we don't lock it if we are running in and out of the house, like in the summer).

    But you definately have a dh problem!  There is no way he should tell you you are over-reacting b/c you prefer privacy.  Install a chain lock (you can buy them at a hardware store) and use it!!!  Also, changing the locks in your house should cost less than $250 (that's what it cost us when we moved in).  It might be $ well spent.  Heck, I wouldn't even give your dh a key!  If you really have $, I would install an alarm system.  Nothing like having the police come to your house guns ready to be fired for your ILS to get the idea that no, you DO NOT like drop in guests!

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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