Trouble in Paradise
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Should I stay or go?

Husband and I have been together 12 years married 10. Lately we have been having huge arguments about household responsibilities and outside hobbies. Husband was gone 5 nights a week and I was always doing house stuff taking care of the kids and working full time. We have been trying to work things out been it has been hard. Last night we got in an argument and he told me that while we were engaged he was with someone else. He never told me because he was afraid I would have left him. I now feel so betrayed and if he would have told me our lives would be in total different directions and we wouldn't be in the state we are today because I would have left him. I already have so much anger and resentment toward him and I feel like this was the final straw. Part of me though believes he hasn't cheated in our marriage and that was over 10 years ago so maybe we should try to work it out. So conflicted I am not sure where to go from here.

Re: Should I stay or go?

  • I think it depends on where you are with your relationship right now. I think if things were going well, it would be something easily worked out. However, it sounds like things are already strained, so I'm thinking you may not being able to move past it. I think anything can be saved if BOTH parties are willing to work on it. However, it sounds like that might not be the case. 
    [IMG]http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb286/dauger13/Decorated%20images/Dark_Side_of_the_Moon_by_megaman-2.png[/IMG]
  • It takes 2 to make a marriage. If you BOTH want to work on it get yourselves to a counselor.
    If you dont then cut your losses and go.




    VORshort+sassy
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    It takes 2 to make a marriage. If you BOTH want to work on it get yourselves to a counselor.
    If you dont then cut your losses and go.


    All of this.  At the point you're at, you need outside help if you want ANY chance of saving your marriage.  If either of you aren't willing to get that help, well then, the writing is on the wall.

  • JL2003 said:
    Husband and I have been together 12 years married 10. Lately we have been having huge arguments about household responsibilities and outside hobbies. Husband was gone 5 nights a week and I was always doing house stuff taking care of the kids and working full time. We have been trying to work things out been it has been hard. Last night we got in an argument and he told me that while we were engaged he was with someone else. He never told me because he was afraid I would have left him. I now feel so betrayed and if he would have told me our lives would be in total different directions and we wouldn't be in the state we are today because I would have left him. I already have so much anger and resentment toward him and I feel like this was the final straw. Part of me though believes he hasn't cheated in our marriage and that was over 10 years ago so maybe we should try to work it out. So conflicted I am not sure where to go from here.
    He told you this NOW???

    What dirty pool -- what a rotten thing to say to somebody!

    Ugh....the both of you need to cool off and then sit down like adults and have a good long talk.

    I don't know what got into the mix here but all of a sudden there is discord over who does what around the house? Something else is afoot, I think.

    Have a good long talk. And you see a counselor alone and bounce this whole thing off that person. He or she will probably tell you to see her or him, together as a couple, which I do not think would be a bad idea.

    The arguing and the backbiting below the belt has to stop. That was childish and uncalled for. And not to mention it probably shattered what trust you had for him -- and who knows if it is even true??? Maybe he made that up ont he spot just to get to you -- that sucks, too.
  • In a way, I'm more bothered that he told you NOW...in the heat of an argument...about the cheating, than the cheating itself.  The whole point of telling you about the cheating, would have been way back when it happened so you could have made an informed decision about still marrying him.

    But to tell you now...10 years later...is nothing but getting the secret off his chest to assuage his own guilt.  It is a hugely selfish move meant to do nothing but hurt you.

    I like the other PP suggestions of marriage counseling...if the two of you want to try and salvage this marriage.  Maybe you don't.  And that's fine also.  But it sounds like you are still unsure.

    As for the other issue...household chores.  My H and I had a big argument on that issue years ago when we were living together, but not married yet.  It sounds silly, but we found working together on a chore chart helped immensely.  We didn't do it forever...just for a few months...but it made us both aware of how little/much the other one of us was doing.  Before the chart, we both felt like we were doing SO much and the other person was doing SO little.  The chart gave us a more exact perspective.  And it also focused us more on "who prefers which chores" and then those specific chores became largely that person's responsibility.  That last part is still true to this day.

  • Hi JL2003. It must be very hurtful for you to find out your husband was unfaithful before you were married. I think it is very natural to still feel a sense of betrayal and even have a tendency to question the direction your lives have gone since then.
     
    I think that conflict is inevitable and unavoidable, especially in marriage. I also believe that if you can learn to resolve conflict in healthy ways, your relationship can actually grow stronger. Have you considered making a determined effort to have a clear, big-picture conversation with your husband about all you’ve mentioned in your discussion? If you’ve already tried this without coming to a solution, please consider marriage counseling. Marriage is worth fighting for, especially when children are involved.
     
    I hope you don’t mind but I will be praying that you and your husband can mend your relationship and experience the love and closeness that you once shared. 
     
  • In a way, I'm more bothered that he told you NOW...in the heat of an argument...about the cheating, than the cheating itself.  The whole point of telling you about the cheating, would have been way back when it happened so you could have made an informed decision about still marrying him.

    But to tell you now...10 years later...is nothing but getting the secret off his chest to assuage his own guilt.  It is a hugely selfish move meant to do nothing but hurt you.

    And how --- this is dirty pool, as I said and a rotten rotten thing to say.

    Think before you speak. Thanks a lot, buddy; you just blew your wife's trust of you clear out the window.

    And he should have been honest. Even if he told her 5 minutes before it was go time on the wedding day!

  • JL2003 said:
    Husband and I have been together 12 years married 10. Lately we have been having huge arguments about household responsibilities and outside hobbies. Husband was gone 5 nights a week and I was always doing house stuff taking care of the kids and working full time. We have been trying to work things out been it has been hard. Last night we got in an argument and he told me that while we were engaged he was with someone else. He never told me because he was afraid I would have left him. I now feel so betrayed and if he would have told me our lives would be in total different directions and we wouldn't be in the state we are today because I would have left him. I already have so much anger and resentment toward him and I feel like this was the final straw. Part of me though believes he hasn't cheated in our marriage and that was over 10 years ago so maybe we should try to work it out. So conflicted I am not sure where to go from here.

    I read your other post first, and replied, but after reading this? There are so many issues here. I answered in the other thread based on things being fine and dandy aside from the 10-year-late reveal. If you're already having issues, and he threw this out in the middle of an argument? There are some serious issues here, and if you want to stay, it's going to be a VERY difficult road. You will definitely need couples' counseling (and I still stand by my suggestion that individual therapy would be good for you to sort out how you're feeling).

    As for the friend who was making you feel guilty? Drop that person like a hot potato! What a jerk for making YOU feel bad about the fact that your husband is (and was also back then) being a complete douchenozzle!
    image
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