Trouble in Paradise
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The Best Friend....

Ok, so my husband has a best friend. Which is all fine and wonderful. They have been friends since grade school.The best friend is married with two young children. His wife and I don't really have a lot in common, but we are civil. Here is the problem. Over the last 9 months or so, there as been a change. The best friend is here all.the.time.  When he is working, it's every night after work for 3 to 5 hours. Weekends, he and my husband are gone all day, sometimes for the night. When he is not working (both are in a seasonal industry so winters are slow), he is here all day 5 or 6 days a week or my husband is gone with him. It is driving me absolutely crazy. I like his best friend, don't get me wrong, but I feel like there are three people in the marriage at this point. When he is not here, he texts my husband constantly.  If my husband tells him we are spending some time together (movie, going out, etc), he texts AT LEAST 6 times during a 1.5 hour movie.  My husband has tried (weakly) to talk to him about it and he just keeps doing it.  Things like "I'm coming over for 20 minutes" turn into 10 hours later I am grinding my teeth and about to start throwing things unless he goes home. Sometimes he is here until 2AM or he spends the night. 

If I get mad about it and tell my husband he needs to do something to make it stop, he gets annoyed and tells me that I am being unreasonable. I feel like there is no respect given for our marriage at all.  If my husband tells him no, then it is the constant texts and sulking until my husband gives in and lets him come over for "just a few minutes" or lets him tag along to run errands. 

Does anyone have ANY ideas how to deal with this? I feel like sitting them both down and telling them that it stops...today. And they get one day a week to go do guy stuff. 

Oh and on a completely unrelated topic, how on earth do I change my user name?? 
Thanks

Re: The Best Friend....

  • Well if it was me I would tell my husband that he needs to tell his friend to cool it or I will and I promise I won't be nice about it.

    Then tell your husband that you are being very reasonable and then ask him why he is choosing his friends happiness over his wife's ?
    englishtrish1short+sassy
  • Yes, your husband is being forced into this by the other guy. Your husband is choosing this, he isnt "giving in". He is 50% of this bromance. Maybe you should tally all the hours in one week. Write them down on a piece of paper, this includes talking on the phone and texting.
    At the end of the week total it up and SHOW him the amount of hours they are spending together and tell him it isnt acceptable.
    tell him its going to change.
    Come up with a time frame you agree with and make him stick to it. If he doesnt then youve got a bigger issue.


    short+sassy
  • edited February 2016
    Ok, so my husband has a best friend. Which is all fine and wonderful. They have been friends since grade school.The best friend is married with two young children. His wife and I don't really have a lot in common, but we are civil. Here is the problem. Over the last 9 months or so, there as been a change. The best friend is here all.the.time.  When he is working, it's every night after work for 3 to 5 hours. Weekends, he and my husband are gone all day, sometimes for the night. When he is not working (both are in a seasonal industry so winters are slow), he is here all day 5 or 6 days a week or my husband is gone with him. It is driving me absolutely crazy. I like his best friend, don't get me wrong, but I feel like there are three people in the marriage at this point. When he is not here, he texts my husband constantly.  If my husband tells him we are spending some time together (movie, going out, etc), he texts AT LEAST 6 times during a 1.5 hour movie.  My husband has tried (weakly) to talk to him about it and he just keeps doing it.  Things like "I'm coming over for 20 minutes" turn into 10 hours later I am grinding my teeth and about to start throwing things unless he goes home. Sometimes he is here until 2AM or he spends the night. 

    If I get mad about it and tell my husband he needs to do something to make it stop, he gets annoyed and tells me that I am being unreasonable. I feel like there is no respect given for our marriage at all.  If my husband tells him no, then it is the constant texts and sulking until my husband gives in and lets him come over for "just a few minutes" or lets him tag along to run errands. 

    Does anyone have ANY ideas how to deal with this? I feel like sitting them both down and telling them that it stops...today. And they get one day a week to go do guy stuff. 

    Oh and on a completely unrelated topic, how on earth do I change my user name?? 
    Thanks
    I knew of a similar case. I know these 2 guys: Mike and his friend Lou -- they are together day and night and constantly. Lou was with his friend Mike on the night my friend Mary and I met them; each one would later go on to be our husbands.

    (She started dating Mike and I started dating a guy who was in the group with Mike and Lou. She got Mike and I got Stan. And I guess she got Mike and Lou.)

    Mike was bringing Lou along on his dates with Mary -- it was Mike, Mary and Lou, all the time ....and last I heard, Lou, Mary and Mike were all still quite the item.

    It is now 16 years later and things are still the same: Lou and Mike are still together constantly. And Mary is the forever fifth wheel.

    Before they were wed, I told Mary continually that this was not right. She wouldn't listen to me. She married him anyway. And the funky friendship he had with Lou continued.

    Did you read what I said?

    This mess is going on for 16 (one six) years. And no let up in sight.

    Please don't be a Mary.

    Sorry but your husband's friend....

    Cannot spend all of this time with your husband.

    This is excessive and this isn't healthy.

    This is insecurity and this is childish.

    He is also forsaking you for his buddy.

    I would make it clear that the friend is not to be a constant fixture in your lives. Why can't he see Best Friend maybe once a week and talk to him on the phone for maybe an hour a day??? Nothing wrong with that.

    He cannot spend all of this time with his friend and that he vanishes with him for the entire night is just plain wrong.

    Speak up about this and tell your H the facts or you will be a tenth wheel for good.  IF he complains or gives you an argument, you have an even bigger problem on your hands.

    You and your H need counseling and this unhealthy extensive friendship he's got with his friend has to go.  He cannot forsake you and spend all of his time with this friend.
  • So is this "friend" history?

    or what???
  • I had an issue with this about 5 years ago with my H.  Though he was my b/f at the time.  He was unemployed and his buddy was self employed.  They typically didn't go out of the house and hang out just themselves, but we were the ones with the Xbox and the bro was over ALL the time playing video games with H.

    I put up with it for a few months...can't believe I even let it go that long, lol...until I finally said something to H.  I basically said something to the effect of...I like your BFF, but he is over way too much, it's driving me nuts, I feel like I can never relax in my own home, and that we don't spend enough time together, let's find a good compromise.

    Fortunately for me, my H understood and was receptive.  We put a limit of 2 weekday nights/week and he passed that info along to his friend.  Friend understood also and there was no bad blood between us.  In fact, H's BFF was his BM for our wedding.

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