Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Was he cheating

A few months ago i found out that my husband had been emailing with an ex girlfriend. The emails were sexual in nature. When I confronted him about it he just got angry with me and turned the whole thing into my fault. Because I'm not a great wife he had no other person to turn to her.  I was so scared of losing him that I didn't fight hard enough for myself. Now looking back I'm angry at him and myself. How do I move past this?

Re: Was he cheating

  • You don't.  You talk to your DH about this and if there are issues in your marriage, start working on them.  This isn't something you just ignore and pretend didn't happen.

    He was corresponding w/ an ex and he very clearly said there are issues in the marriage.  Now- that doesn't absolve him at all.  AT ALL.  And the fact that he won't own that he was wrong is concerning.

    But you need to talk to him.
    short+sassy
  • edited February 2016
    JeslynB said:
    A few months ago i found out that my husband had been emailing with an ex girlfriend. The emails were sexual in nature.


    You should have stopped right here and told him goodbye.

    No decent man -- and no happily married decent man --- acts like this.

    His behavior is inexcusable and no doubt he's either looking to get a little action ffrom her or he will seek it elsewhere.

    Not to mention what he can expose you to, if he had sex with her or with somebody else other than you.

    When I confronted him about it he just got angry with me and turned the whole thing into my fault.

    Why you should have told him to take a walk.

    And sure he is going to make this look like your fault --- this is his way out of it. It's childish and its juvenile. Don't stand for this nonsense.

    And as for you thinking you didn't do "your job" as his wife: nonsense, too --- don't blame yourself.

    This has been a shaky marriage from the start -- you have been having problems with him since you got married. He's a little schoolboy --- who takes crumpled up clothes and throws them on top of a dresser??? How old is he? about 12???

    This isn't a grown man you've got there.

    Because I'm not a great wife he had no other person to turn to her.  I was so scared of losing him that I didn't fight hard enough for myself

    What have you got to lose? Somebody to clean up after? somebody to argue with because he won't do his share of the housework? Somebody who evidently never called it off for good with this girlfriend he's got? Why in hell's bells did he even get married??? Why did he waste YOUR time???

    This is already "breach of contract" --- when you married him, you made a contract with him --- yes, you did -- and he is not upholding his half of the contract.

    The biggest breach of the contract is "forsaking all others" --- huh? an email to who and it is sexual in nature??? All bets are off....

    Get rid of this bum and do it tomorrow.

    Now looking back I'm angry at him and myself. How do I move past this?

    You mean you are still with this guy???

    Nope.

    The only thing you should move past is HIM --- get rid of him tomorrow. As I said, all bets are off.

    Show him the door; this is inappropriate behavior. As I said, if he did not have sext with her he will with somebody else; it is a matter of short time. (and say he's been physically involved with her the entire time you've been married and the entire time you were dating. Their relationship is not over, not by a long shot)

    His behavior has zero to do with what kind of spouse you "are."  You are married 4 years and I will bet you he has been seeing her on the side, before you were married and past the date you got married and he's been seeing her all along. Evidently, in that case, he never ended their relationship.

    And she is a pig and no lady. She knew full well he was marrying -- and then he GOT married -- and she thinks it's fine to keep him as a boyfriend???

    Where do they get these people???

    Do the right thing for yourself. You need him like a fish needs a bike.

    Tomorrow, get to an attorney and get your finances in order. When the finances are all set and ready, file for divorce.  You do not need a husband who is not 100% fully committed to you and you alone.
  • edited February 2016
    From nearly 2 years ago; here is a post of yours:
    My husband and I have been married for two years.  In this time, the lack of affection between us has continued to bother me (we will go days without hugging or kissing, at his doing not mine).  I have always just attributed this to lack of affection in his upbringing; where I came from a family that continuously showed affection.  Additionally, I am really struggling with our lack of understanding in acceptable living conditions.  We are adults, we are not in college anymore, and I believe that our home should be neat and organized.  I feel like I am constantly picking up after him (socks is one of the bigger issues, I find socks everywhere).  Recently, my husband has started leaving his clothes on top of the dresser we share (not folded, just thrown on the dresser).  This evening, I saw the clothes and put them away in the closet (it's a walk-in with plenty of space).  My husband completely freaked out when he saw that I put the clothes away claiming that he put them on the dresser so he could wear them tomorrow.  He is so upset with me that he took everything he needs for tomorrow and is sleeping in the guest room.  If this fight goes as the others, he will go about 2 days without talking to me.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.   We both work full-time, stressful jobs.  However, I am the only one who cleans around the house.  In our two years of marriage, my husband has never cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor, done all the laundry, etc.  Even asking him to take out the trash can be a hassle.  Sometimes I feel more like roommates than husband and wife due to the lack of affection in our marriage.  I believe that contributes to the issues we have with cleaning.  

    How have you reached a happy medium with your husband?


    This guy was never ready for marriage. He can't manage for himself and he is not responsible.

    Honey, you should have seen what was coming back then.  He cannot communicate and he was never ready for marriage.

    A lack of affection and this was 2 years into the game? I will bet you he emotionally checked out of the marriage then and/or he was still seeing this ex girlfriend you mentioned.

    I can imagine what your sex life was like before you married this guy.

    Where did you find this prize???

    Get rid of him based on the fact he cheated. YES, he cheated, even if it was *only* a sexual email. A married men do not share that kind of communication with somebody who is not his wife.

  • edited February 2016
    VOR said:
    You don't.  You talk to your DH about this and if there are issues in your marriage, start working on them.  This isn't something you just ignore and pretend didn't happen.

    He was corresponding w/ an ex and he very clearly said there are issues in the marriage.  Now- that doesn't absolve him at all.  AT ALL.  And the fact that he won't own that he was wrong is concerning.

    But you need to talk to him.
    Holy hole in a donut:

    He is disclosing what is HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL to another person????

    Positively wrong!

    What damn business has he got repeating that you and he have "issues"??? And what business has he got telling his girlfriend???

    For that alone, get rid of him. Who knows what else he's told her.

    And isn't it funny: "the marriage has issues" translates out to "I have issues and because of that my marriage is on the rocks." Classic case of "he who tells people not to look behind the door...has a problem with what is behind the door."

    You should be livid he told anybody anything!

    Willing to bet he never broke it off with this other woman ---- this was his girlfriend before he met his soon-to-be-treated as a doormat "SO" and was his girlfriend when he got engaged, got married and it is still his girlfriend now.

    You would be surprised how often this happens -- I know of a couple of real life cases.

    Lack of affection?  That was 2 years ago -- married 2 years and already he is a cold fish? Most likely because he is getting his fun and games from that girlfriend he has on the side.

    What red blooded woman is going to put up with this? She gets no affection --- not even a hug or a compliment or a kiss? Then you can bet their sex life dried up, too. 

    In return for this bullshit, she gets to be his maid his cook, his laundress, his go-to person for the ironing, his concierge and his cook.

    OP: is this what you signed on when you got engaged?  I don't think so.

    He's overstayed his welcome by about....let's see, 6 years. In other words, you should have dumped this jerk when you had perhaps 6 months' worth of dating him. I am sure you saw how lazy he was, what a slob he was and I will bet you he was still living iwht his parents; if he was straight out of college, that's no problem...

    BUT you can see that they did it all for him.

    By gentlemen's agreement, he should have picked up the ball and started to clean up after himself, help with the household chores and so forth, after they got married...

    But that never happens.

    She needs to light a fire under this guy to get acknowledgement and affection????

    NOT what you sign on for when you get married.

    Nothing was ever here for the OP at all, not even when she met this guy.  When you date somebody, give it a cautious YEAR, not 6 months ---- and if you don't like what you see or what you see is not your view of your future plans, say goodbye to the person.

    OP: Don't play second fiddle or be a standby to somebody else who has the lead role in your spouse's life: his alleged ex girlfriend.  Do not be a doormat, do not play the fool and stand up for yourself: Put yourself first. He's nullified the contract!

    Imagine if they had kids:

    "Honey, I just got a call from Jimmy's teacher; he's acting up in class and he spoke out of turn...whats that? I have to go to the parental conference alone, because you don't want to go? Okay; I'll go instead..."

    "Wow, Jimmy's got quite an idea for a science project; let's the 3 of us sit down and go over specifics and then we can take him shopping for what Jimmy needs for his project...oh. You don't have time to go? Fine; I'll go...."

    "The school nurse called; Jimmy is running a high temp; since you are closest to the school, honey, can you go pick him up...oh. he's not answering his phone....this is the 5th time I tried him and I'm over an hour away at a conference for work. Let me see if Mrs. Smith can do it; if not, I will run over there...."

    He will leave you hanging in the lurch for everything. You will essentially be a single parent and sure he's a poor example for the kids...he is a slob....great; now try to get your kids to pick up after themselves:

    Or, no....

    YOU can do that, too!!!!

    Kids will also know when things are shaky between Mom and Dad.

    And this is another reason why you should get rid of this bum today.

    No affection and he likely isn't putting out in the bedroom, either --- likely as not he is getting his share from his girlfriend.

    (aw no there won't be any bambinos....because you need to have sex for that and since her H doesn't seem up to it anymore  [or so to speak anyway] there won't be any kids, not ever.]
  • You go to therapy alone, and worl on getting so self confidence and self respect.
    Then you will understand that you are married to an asshole and nothing you can ever do or say will change that. You will learn to understand people treat us only as we allow them to.
    Fix yourself and then you will have the answer!


    TarponMonoxide

  • You go to therapy alone, and worl on getting so self confidence and self respect.
    Then you will understand that you are married to an asshole and nothing you can ever do or say will change that. You will learn to understand people treat us only as we allow them to.
    Fix yourself and then you will have the answer!
    And if you're spiritual or religious, see your clergyperson. Any cleric worth his or her salt will tell you that "forsaking all others" is the big problem here, along with a nice hefty case of adultery. He or she will also see that this whole mess is just not good.
  • Yes, he probably was cheating.  She might not be the only one either.  

    No matter what you do, you need to get tested.  You know deep down you have know idea what kind of diseases this man has exposed you to.  You don't gamble with your health.  You don't hope for the best.  You certainly don't put your trust in a person who has a history of being untrustworthy. Do not put this off because if you do have something, then you need treatment as soon as possible. I can't emphasize this enough.  Make an appointment and get tested this week if possible.

    I m so sorry this happened to you.  You have my sympathy as I couldn't imagine. 
  • Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I do really appreciate it. One on hand I see what you are saying and how this must look from the outside-in. I really don't think he was actually physical with the ex-girlfriend.  We live several states a part and he hasn't taken any long trips without me and we have never gone to the state where she lives.  I see that the emails were wrong, but I know it was just the emails and noting physical in person. I also know that things are not always bad between us. There are good times. How you just throw away the good that you know is there?
  • JeslynB said:
    Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I do really appreciate it. One on hand I see what you are saying and how this must look from the outside-in. I really don't think he was actually physical with the ex-girlfriend.  We live several states a part and he hasn't taken any long trips without me and we have never gone to the state where she lives.  I see that the emails were wrong, but I know it was just the emails and noting physical in person. I also know that things are not always bad between us. There are good times. How you just throw away the good that you know is there?

    Yeah and what if she lived 20 min. away?
    What about the next woman who lives 10 min. away?

    There is that low self esteem again!


  • edited February 2016
    JeslynB said:
    Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I do really appreciate it. One on hand I see what you are saying and how this must look from the outside-in. I really don't think he was actually physical with the ex-girlfriend. 

    But the sexually oriented messages to an alleged ex girlfriend? STILL WRONG!

    He's got NO business being in contact with her. I do not think she is "down to being" a bona fide friend.

    He is still with her inasmuch as he is still sexually orienting his messages to her! He has never discontinued "seeing" her.

    I smell a rat here...and you do not send your female friends (yes, lots of guys have them) sexually oriented messages. Period.

    If any of my male friends did that, he'd be history in 5 seconds flat.

    However, this is a rat I am smelling and your H is having an affair with this young woman.

    And do not discount the fact "oh she is far away" -- where there is a will there is a way, sis, belive me.

    We live several states a part and he hasn't taken any long trips without me and we have never gone to the state where she lives. 

    How do you know for certain that he has not??? He could have ventured there on the downlow --- unless he is with you during all accountable hours, do not rule out the fact he could have travelled there.

    She also could have moved and moved to a locale not very far from where you and he live.

    Discount nothing. Discount nothing at all.

    And even if she lived on Mars, do you think he is going to stop contacting her any time soon? He could tell you "it's over" and he could still be in contact -- and if he ends it with her, the damage is done: he cheated. YOu need to bid him adieu asap.

    And even if she lives in Timbuktu, what he did is wrong.

    He has no business communicating with her sexually and he's got less business than that giving her highly confidential information. This alone is infidelity of the highest degree. What happens between you and your mate stays between you and your mate. You don't tell other people; it just is not done!


    I see that the emails were wrong, but I know it was just the emails and noting physical in person. I also know that things are not always bad between us.

    HOney, things have been bad between you and your H from the start -- go back to what you posted 2 whole years ago!!!

    There was no affection THEN!!!!

    And that above statement translates out to "Oh he sent them and I am not crazy about it he did but an email is an email so that's not really cheating."

    Why are you justifying him? that's exactly what you did by making that statement.

    He's a first class shithead, not husband material, a cheater, a middle schooler, a slob and he doesn't put out in your bedroom.

    Tell us again why you want this pig of a cold fish.

    (and hey, why should he leave! he's got it good: you do it all for him so he can still live his life like a single guy.... and cheat  on you with this girlfriend he's had since the start of your relationship with him!)

    And as for this...this is denial indeed:

    There are good times. How you just throw away the good that you know is there?
    Get rid of him and do it today. This is a lose-lose proposition for you.
  • Sweetie, he is a not a good man.  HE just isn't.  This isn't how good men behave, this is how bad men behave.  You just can't see it because you have really low standards for yourself. 

    Look, you have no idea what life has in store for you.  No idea.  That is why the most important thing to look for in a husband is someone with strong moral character.  HE doesn't have any and I am being completely honest when I say you are wasting you life away.  
    TarponMonoxide
  • Sweetie, he is a not a good man.  HE just isn't.  This isn't how good men behave, this is how bad men behave.  You just can't see it because you have really low standards for yourself. 

    Look, you have no idea what life has in store for you.  No idea.  That is why the most important thing to look for in a husband is someone with strong moral character.  HE doesn't have any and I am being completely honest when I say you are wasting you life away.  
    Listen to Disneygeek -- she knows of what she speaks.
  • He has something with her. Probably they have sex or they will have sex again. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards